this period of unwonted mildness in a turbulent career was seized by the good ladies of lysterby as a fitting moment for my first communion. it might be only a temporary lull in a course of perversity which would not occur again, and so i was ordered to study anew the lives of the saints. this was quite enough to turn my eager mind from thoughts of daring deed to dreams of sanctity.
i proposed to model my life on that of each fresh saint; was in turn st. louis of gonzague, st. elizabeth of hungary, st. theresa and st. stanislaus of koscuetzo,—for the life of me i cannot remember the spelling of that polish name, but it began with a k and ended with an o, with a mad assortment of consonants and vowels between. st. elizabeth i found very charming, until the excessive savagery of her confessor, master conrad, diminished my enthusiasm. when i came to the barbarous scene where master conrad orders the queen to visit him in his monastery, which was against the monachal law, and then proceeds to thrash her bare back while he piously recites the miserere, i shut the book for ever, and declined upon the spot to become a saint.
nevertheless i made my first communion in a most edifying spirit. i spent a week in retreat down in the town convent, and walked for hours up and down the high-walled garden discoursing with precocious unctuousness to my good friend mother aloysius, who, na?ve soul, was lost in wonder and admiration of my gravity and sanctimoniousness. i meditated and examined my conscience with a vengeance. i delighted in the conviction of my past wickedness, and was so thrilled with the sensation of being a converted sinner that, like polly evans, gladly would i have revived the medieval custom of public confession. contrition once more prompted me to pen a conventional letter of penitence, submission, affection, and promise of good behaviour to my mother, which virtuous epistle, like a former one, remained without an answer.
this was part of the extreme sincerity of my mother's character. she wished her children, like herself, to be "all of a piece," and did not encourage temporary or sensational developments in them. since she never stooped to play for herself or the gallery the part of fond mother, she kept at bay any inclination in us to dip into filial sentimentalism. never was there a parent less likely to kill the fatted calf on the prodigal's return.
and then, in wreath and veil and white robe, with downcast eyes and folded hands to resemble the engraving of st. louis of gonzague, i walked up the little chapel one morning without breakfast. the harmonium rumbled, the novices sang, the smell of flowers and wax was about me, incense sent its perfumed smoke into the air, and i lay prostrate over my prie-dieu, weeping from ecstasy. i fancied myself on the rim of heaven, held in the air by angels. i have a notion now that i wanted to die, so unbearable was the ache of spiritual joy. i was literally bathed in bliss, and held communion with the seraphs.
it seemed a vulgar and monstrous impertinence to be carried off, after such a moment, to the nuns' refectory and there be fed upon buttered toast and crumpets and cake. with such a feast of good things before me i could not eat. i wanted to go back to the chapel and resume my converse with the heavenly spheres. instead, mother aloysius invited me out to the garden, and there spoke long and earnestly, in her dear, simple, kindly way, of my duties as a christian. i was no longer a bad troublesome child, but a little woman of eleven, with all sorts of grave responsibilities. i was to become disciplined and studious, check my passion for reading, take to sewing, and cultivate a respectful attitude to my superiors. she owned that for the moment i was a model of all the virtues, but would it last long, she dubiously added.
wise woman! it did not last long. the normal child is occasionally bad and generally good. i reversed the order, and was only very occasionally good and generally as bad as possible. the period of temporary beatification over, i was speedily at loggerheads again with my old enemy sister esmeralda. would you know the cause of our last and most violent quarrel? lady wilhelmina of the abbey had a little girl of my age, so like me that we might have been twin-sisters. because of this strange resemblance, lady wilhelmina often invited me up to the abbey to play with her daughter adelaide. she was a dull, proud child, whom i rather despised, but we got through many an afternoon comfortably enough, playing cricket with her brother oswald. one sunday after benediction, adelaide and i were walking side by side when we came near sister esmeralda talking to an elder pupil.
"isn't it wonderful that those children should be so alike!" exclaimed the girl. "they might be twins."
"not at all," cried sister esmeralda, tartly. "lady adelaide is far handsomer than angela, who is only a common little irish thing."
the words were not meant for my hearing, but they stung me as a buffet. i flashed back like a wild creature on flame, and stood panting in front of my enemy, while adelaide, pale and trembling, caught my dress behind.
"i heard what you said, and it's a lie. i'm not a common little irish thing. i am just as good as lady adelaide—or you, or anybody else. the irish are much nicer than the english any day, ever so much nicer,—there, and i hate you, so i do."
"oh, angela!" sobbed adelaide, clutching at my dress.
"let me alone, you too!" i screamed, beside myself with passion. "i don't care whether you are handsomer than i, for you're just an ordinary little girl, not half as clever as i."
adelaide, who had a spirit of her own, retorted in proper fashion, and before sister esmeralda had time to shake me and push me in before her, i struck the poor little aristocrat full on her angry scarlet cheek.
i was only conscious of the enormity of my fall on receiving a tender almost broken-hearted note from mother aloysius. "dearest child," it lovingly ran, "what has become of all your good resolutions? what about all those nice sensible promises of gentle and submissive behaviour you made me down here in the garden? is that how st. louis of gonzague, st. elizabeth of hungary, would have acted? tell sister esmeralda how sorry you are; and write, like my good little angela, and tell me you are sorry too."
i penned with great care a fervent and honest reply, which i begged miss lawson, the lay teacher, to carry to my friend in town. "i'm sorry, ever so sorry, because you are sorry, and you are the only person here i love. but i won't[pg 252] be sorry for sister esmeralda. i hate her. she said i was a common little irish thing. it's mean and nasty, for i am only a child and can't hurt her, and she's big and can hurt me. if i am irish, i am as good as her."
