love is the strongest, the most irresistible, the most fatal of chemical affinities, and if potassium can extract oxygen from water, unite with it, light it, and make it burn with a bright flame and conflagration, consider the case of a man who first sees a woman and feels that she is precisely the atom with whom it is his irresistible destiny to unite, in order to kindle the flame of life.
it is no longer a simple electro-negative molecule which seeks, absorbs, [pg 96] and consumes the opposite electro-positive molecule, but it is an organism, an entire microcosm, which attracts another microcosm on its own vortex, so as to live united in the heaven of life, as two stars above live united in a mysterious and eternal marriage.
there are all the cellules of the epidermis, and all the pores of the skin, which seek the cellules and pores of the other organism; there are the inward parts which palpitate, the nerves which vibrate, the feelings which weep and sob, the thoughts that are crowded with all the soul’s expression, and seek those inner parts, nerves, affections, and thoughts, which nature has made kin.
not unjustly was the moment given [pg 97] that applicable french name, coup de foudre.
lightning it is—that gigantic force which draws man and woman together and makes of them one being. in its minor grades we call the force sympathy; a little later, when stronger, we call it love.
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i detest pedantic preachers of prudence, who make it consist of an emasculation of all virility of body and thought; but i also appreciate the need of repeating to you:
distrust the flashes of lightning!
perhaps you will say to me: “that is the same as preaching the doctrine: do not believe in hunger, thirst, or sleep.”
[pg 98]
flashes of lightning are apparently all alike, but they are substantially different, one from the other. some are harmless—give a great light, deafen one with the rumbling of thunder, and there they end. they are momentary eruptions of the senses, and nothing more. but there are others that burn, and cleave asunder all that they find in their way. from these no lightning conductor can save us. either one is dead or is struck by lightning, which is the same as saying, electrified from head to foot by that force, which has emanated from another body which perhaps needs ours, and which perhaps we need ourselves.
reason on it if you will, attempt to destroy the new passion in the [pg 99] crucible of analysis. you belong to another; that other belongs to you, if, as often happens, the lightning flash has been reciprocal.
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the galvanization of love also occurs in another way, not, that is to say, by fulmination, but by small and slow currents which emit no sparks, but have continuous emanation.
first, a slight sympathy which touches the skin; then a deeper irritation like a tremor invades the muscles, nerves, and viscera through the epidermis, and descends until it finds something living; stopping at the marrow of the bones, since there is nothing left to electrify.
[pg 100]
theoretically, this second mode of becoming enamoured ought to be more tenacious and more durable than the first, from the axiom that intensity is equal to extension; but practically we see a man and woman reach the same state either by fulmination or by a continuous current. it is only a question of time, whether we travel by express or slow trains; we reach the same station in safety at last! love is so skilful and powerful a magician that he makes us his prisoners more than once in two different ways. first he strikes us, then he electrifies us slowly, and there is no human or divine power which can cure us of our passion. we are no longer individuals, we are things; we are the perinde ac cadaver [pg 101] of the jesuits, a member of which has conquered us.
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the admirable laws of chemical affinity are well known to us, and we can follow the kindred and repellent atoms which group themselves under the exact law of numbers. but those other laws which repel and attract human hearts and bodies are, on the contrary, scarcely divined by one who has eyes to read the great book of psychology, where the letters are so minute, the writing mysterious, and even the numbering of the pages incorrect.
sympathy should be first physical, then moral, and lastly intellectual, [pg 102] following the highroad which leads from the less to the greater, from that which is external to that which is internal.
everyone knows—even the boccali of montelupo[2] know—that opposite types seek and love each other. the blond attracts the brown, and vice versa; slight, small women please giants and athletes; delicate natures attract bears, and so on. but there are other occult and mysterious sympathies, where it is not a case of a [pg 103] combination of opposites, and where yet the attraction is exceedingly great and irresistible. how often has it been a wonder to us to see an ugly woman adored by a very handsome man, and an ugly man ardently sought after by women, and having witnessed this strange antithesis we begin at once to speculate what impure explanation, what vile or illicit trading with money or lasciviousness can account for it, while really it is a simple fact of elective affinity, the reasons for which escape us from our ignorance and short-sightedness.
[2] montelupo, a village on the arno, is still renowned for its crockery and terracotta. it is highly probable that in the feudal times the mugs and drinking cups, which are called “boccali” even to the present time, were made there; they were exported in large quantities and became so plentiful throughout tuscany that when any news was widespread, it was said to be known even by the boccali of montelupo. hence the proverb.
look around you, and in the small circle of your own acquaintance you will find several such singular and extraordinary facts. for my part i [pg 104] have under my eyes a young man, the perfection of a man, aristocratic as regards birth, mind, and income, who, indifferent to the sympathies awakened in women at his every step, is completely absorbed in a woman who is hardly feminine, neither handsome nor young, and to thousands of others indifferent or contemptible.
i see another young man desperately in love with the ruins of a woman, where not even the compassionate ivy of coquetry covers the decay and deficiencies, and in whom there is a complete wreck of all delicacy of outline. he loved her so much that after many years he made her his wife, without any considerations of money.
[pg 105]
it matters very little to your happiness or marriage whether lightning or inducted current has electrified you, but sympathy ought to exist between the man and the woman. for charity’s sake, for the love of god, do not forget this; do not believe in the common proverb, which has made so many victims: marry if all considerations of income and of age agree. love will come after. no! love will not come after, except by chance, and in exceedingly rare cases. there will come to you, on the contrary, reciprocal antipathy, adultery, a lie in the very surname of your children; there will come all those lively intrigues through which our fine and virtuous modern society moves. if, in the first choice of love, [pg 106] the man and woman do not approach each other with a tremor of holy fear; if their hands do not meet each other intoxicated with the touch; if the first kiss be not a passion, the first embrace a delirium, renounce forever the sweet and fond blessedness of the dual life.
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the physical sympathy between a man and woman is a road which may lead to paradise, but how often may one lose one’s self on the road before entering the field of affection and thought.
the only logical people in the world are those savages who, before giving themselves forever, make a trial on both sides, and separate or [pg 107] marry, according to the result of the experience. but such moral and modest people as we are, must content ourselves with guessing; and woe to us if we make a mistake.
fortunately, the sympathy which is awakened by a mere study of the woman’s outward form nearly always agrees with that deeper one which arises from the agreement of the temperaments, by reason of the solidity which unites the different offices of an organism.
but it happens only too often that the interior is different from the exterior, and a man of ice has taken for his own a woman of fire, or vice versa.
in many codes of law incompatibility of temper is a sufficient cause [pg 108] for divorce, but is not incompatibility of temperament a more prolific cause for domestic discord? legislators and theologians have for some time raised this last veil which hides the shrine of love, but in their verdict or the clauses of their laws, have they contributed or not to the happiness of matrimony?
i believe not, for in modern codes the duties and genital rights of two married people are only confined to the preservation of the race. beyond that they say nothing, and they do well. but of that other unwritten code which guides our individual conduct, do they say nothing, do they teach us nothing? they do not even give us a guide-book, or even only time-tables of fifteen centuries, like [pg 109] those of the railway. after having studied man and woman for nearly half a century, after having dared to raise every veil, to sound every cavity, to feel every pulse that beats, every nerve that vibrates, as physician, anthropologist, and psychologist, this is all i have learnt.
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the ideal of physical harmony between two married people is, that each one should feel the same hunger, and feel it for the same thing.
but as this occurs tolerably seldom, it is better that the man, who is always the leader of the orchestra of two, should give the la; that is, raise or lower the tone so that there shall be perfect harmony. the thing is [pg 110] not so difficult; for if the great masters succeed in making the hundred instruments of an orchestra keep time and tune, should it not be easier to tune two instruments only?
above all, remember that the music has to last many long years, and it is better to accustom your companion from the very beginning, so to proceed that she may not tire, but may reach the end unscathed. if you begin with quavers and semi-quavers, poor you! your companion of the orchestra will accustom herself to that tempo, which will become a necessity for her—for you it may be a catastrophe.
even without supposing an excessive lust in the woman; even if you have been so fortunate as to have found one with more heart than feelings; [pg 111] she will believe she is no longer loved, and in the secret silence of the night-watches will shed tears, measuring your love by the early change in the broken music. notwithstanding what i have written of genital hygiene; notwithstanding that others have followed me in the same road, throwing down the walls which supported the ignorance of the things of love; women are still too often most ignorant, and measure love by the notes of music.[3] think then on the future, which comes quickly, and like [pg 112] a hungry dog devours the miserable present, and from the very first days begin with an andante moderato, and if your means permit, go even to the allegretto; but for charity’s sake do not proceed to quavers and semi-quavers.
[3] whilst writing this, a courageous book on this subject has appeared in germany: “der kampf der geschlechter, eine studie aus dem leben, und für das leben.” (the struggle of the sexes. a study from life and for life).—leipzig, 1892. a volume of 173 pp. it is written by a woman already noted in the literary world in germany, who has published several novels under the fictitious name of franz von wemmorsdorf.
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i find i am treading on the field of the hygiene of matrimony, whilst i ought only to speak of what precedes it. without making the experiment of the savages, you would like to know to a nicety the strength of the appetite for love which your future companion feels? well, then, begin to study her family and, above all, her mother, who bequeaths her nervous system to her children, with all its accompaniments and connections, with sensibility, [pg 113] chastity, or debauchery. nothing is more hereditary than the capacity for love, and i have under my eyes terrible examples of calamities, which occurred from a study of the fiancée alone, without any thought of her father and mother.
i myself advised a dear friend of mine to marry a young girl who appeared to be, and had been up to that time, the goddess of modesty, the angel of chastity; i wrote my milla osta on the passport of my friend, and he, who was good enough to believe me a great specialist in this abstruse matter, embarked trustfully and happily on the tempestuous sea of matrimony. alas! after a few months the goddess of modesty had become a mepalura!—i had [pg 114] forgotten to inquire after the temperament of her father and mother.
having made the hereditary inquiry, and found the young lady with a clean bill of health, you must study her.
on an equality with other conditions, if you desire a tranquil and not exacting wife, seek these elements in her:
light hair, blue eyes, fairly stout, a calm expression, natural movements, little or no nervousness, lips rather thin, no protuberance of the upper lip. great love of children, a sure sign of a great development of the sentiment of maternity, which is the most powerful restraint on exaggerated desires of the flesh.
if, on the contrary, you desire an [pg 115] ardent woman, you will more easily find her with black eyes and hair, dark skin, tumid and thickish lips, a thin frame. she will be nervous, very sensitive, of a capricious character, she will have glances of fire and snakelike movements.
all these physical and moral lineaments are very gross, and only have value as general observations, such as one reads on passports, equally suited to a hundred different people. i myself must make a criticism on these two examples of mine although they are taken from life, and are the result of many repeated observations. as regards the blonde and brunette i ought, for example, to make you at once aware that i mean to speak of those nations [pg 116] in which there is a great mixture of ethnic types, which gives us in the same city, in the same village, women with light, chestnut-coloured or black hair. where all are light, or all are dark, we still find women of ice and of fire, without any change in the colour of their skin or hair.
the fullness of body is of greater importance, for it has a more intimate and varied connection with the general nutrition of the whole organism. it is very rare to find an exacting woman amongst the corpulent, unless they are hysterical, and, from the protuberant lip and bosom, are condemned to sterility. it is equally rare to find a cold woman amongst thin ones.
[pg 117]
the fleshiness of the lip is a good index by which to measure the sensuality of a woman, and it is so sure a one that i have given it an ethnic character, having found it in the most different races of asia and africa, where polygamy is usual, and physical love is the first pleasure and first occupation of man and woman.
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i do not suppose it likely that any of my readers will marry a negress, hottentot, or australian savage, so i need not speak of the hybridism of races, or the consequences of the possible unions. if, before i die, i have the supreme joy of writing my monograph on [pg 118] man, my microcosm; then i shall be able to tell you my ideas about it, confessing to you at once my profession of faith, which is this, that all those who deplore the effects of the union of races, saying it is always injurious to the future generations, are mistaken; as well as those of the opposite school, who always proclaim it to be useful. the crossing of a superior race with an inferior one lowers the first and elevates the second, thus giving a product of medium goodness.
the union of two races equally superior, generally gives an inferior product, but a product different from the two types who have fused their blood in the crucible of love.
the union of a mediocre and elevated [pg 119] race, produces very different effects, according to conditions. these, however, are as yet little known, and must be studied by degrees.
if, however, you will never marry a negress, nor a redskin, and very probably neither a chinese nor japanese, it is easy enough for you to become enamoured of an english, german, or spanish woman: and in the present day, when railways and telegraphs bring nations so near together, and break down barriers; marriage is preparing the way for the future united states of europe, which will certainly become the keystone of a cosmic republic, that of the civilized states of the world.
the differences of type and sympathy [pg 120] between opposite natures easily prompt to a warm love between dark and fair nations. more than one italian has been obliged to fly from scandinavia on account of the excessive sympathy which he awakened in those fair innocent daughters of the edda; and if a fair-haired son of arminius goes into spain or south america, it is very seldom that he returns to his mother country without a wife, or without great spoils won in the mighty victories of love.
is this a good? is it an evil?
for the children it is nearly always a benefit; for married people it is often an evil. the felicity of husband and wife is sacrificed to the species, and it is your duty to set these different, but [pg 121] probable, consequences of union in the balance and weigh them.
the differences which we sum up under the word nationality, are not as marked as race differences, but they approach them; nationality is always and in every way the complex sum of infinite physical, moral, and intellectual elements which make an englishman so different from a spaniard, and an italian so unlike a norwegian.
to be of a different country from that of our companion implies not only the speaking of a different language but the loving different things, the feeling, thinking, hating, and desiring things unlike. we are all living fragments of a long history of many centuries, and to unite and make two beings agree who were born under separate [pg 122] skies, educated with diversity of taste, with different ideals of religion, morality, politics, and customs, is possible, but difficult and uncommon. look around, and you will find that the most frequent motive of these mésalliances is nearly always some pecuniary interest, or else one of rank, unless an all-powerful love has submerged the other incitements toward a reasonable marriage in its tumultuous and furious waves. amongst other marriages those of american girl millionaires, who come to europe to exchange their dollars for shields bearing the arms of our counts, marquises, and princes, are very well known.
the difference of nationality in two married people is just one point lessening the probability of their happiness, [pg 123] and it is aggravated a hundred times if a difference in religion is added to the scale.
there is no great love without great faith, and he who loves much finds the speaking of another language, the following of dissimilar customs, the praying in a church or mosque, but insignificant obstacles. but great love, however long it may last, calms down and becomes a tender and fond habit; and when the sea of passion is calmed one looks through the water, now grown so clear and transparent, and sees at the bottom the points of diversity of faith, taste, and habits, standing up ruggedly, the rocks rising and coming to the surface, and rendering navigation difficult and full of perils. the honeymoon is then hidden behind the [pg 124] dense stormy clouds, and the mariners run into the shallows of indifference, or dash the vessel against the waves of incompatibility and domestic discord.
the calkers may come with their gold and their coats of arms to patch up the wreckage, but it will always be patched badly, and the holy concord of bodies and souls will be lost forever.
