sethe made two fists and placed them on her hips. "you as bad as she is.""come on, sethe.""oh, i am coming on. i am!""you know what i mean.""i do and i don't like it.""jesus," he whispered.
"who?" sethe was getting loud again.
"jesus! i said jesus! all i did was sit down for supper! and i get cussed out twice. once for beinghere and once for asking why i was cussed in the first place!""she didn't cuss.""no? felt like it.""look here. i apologize for her. i'm real — ""you can't do that. you can't apologize for nobody. she got to do that.""then i'll see that she does." sethe sighed. "what i want to know is, is she asking a question that'son your mind too?""oh no. no, paul d. oh no.""then she's of one mind and you another? if you can call what ever's in her head a mind, that is.""excuse me, but i can't hear a word against her. i'll chastise her. you leave her alone."risky, thought paul d, very risky. for a used-to-be-slave woman to love anything that much wasdangerous, especially if it was her children she had settled on to love. the best thing, he knew, wasto love just a little bit; everything, just a little bit, so when they broke its back, or shoved it in acroaker sack, well, maybe you'd have a little love left over for the next one. "why?" he asked her.
"why you think you have to take up for her? apologize for her? she's grown.""i don't care what she is. grown don't mean nothing to a mother. a child is a child. they getbigger, older, but grown? what's that supposed to mean? in my heart it don't mean a thing.""it means she has to take it if she acts up. you can't protect her every minute. what's going tohappen when you die?""nothing! i'll protect her while i'm live and i'll protect her when i ain't.""oh well, i'm through," he said. "i quit.""that's the way it is, paul d. i can't explain it to you no better than that, but that's the way it is. if ihave to choose — well, it's not even a choice.""that's the point. the whole point. i'm not asking you to choose. nobody would. i thought — well,i thought you could — there was some space for me.""she's asking me.""you can't go by that. you got to say it to her. tell her it's not about choosing somebody over her— it's making space for somebody along with her. you got to say it. and if you say it and mean it,then you also got to know you can't gag me. there's no way i'm going to hurt her or not take careof what she need if i can, but i can't be told to keep my mouth shut if she's acting ugly. you wantme here, don't put no gag on me.""maybe i should leave things the way they are," she said.
"how are they?""we get along.""what about inside?""i don't go inside.""sethe, if i'm here with you, with denver, you can go anywhere you want. jump, if you want to,'cause i'll catch you, girl. i'll catch you "fore you fall. go as far inside as you need to, i'll hold yourankles. make sure you get back out. i'm not saying this because i need a place to stay. that's thelast thing i need. i told you, i'm a walking man, but i been heading in this direction for seven years.
walking all around this place. upstate, downstate, east, west; i been in territory ain't got no name,never staying nowhere long. but when i got here and sat out there on the porch, waiting for you,well, i knew it wasn't the place i was heading toward; it was you. we can make a life, girl. a life.""i don't know. i don't know.""leave it to me. see how it goes. no promises, if you don't want to make any. just see how it goes.
all right?""all right.""you willing to leave it to me?""well — some of it.""some?" he smiled. "okay. here's some. there's a carnival in town. thursday, tomorrow, is forcoloreds and i got two dollars. me and you and denver gonna spend every penny of it. what yousay?""no" is what she said. at least what she started out saying (what would her boss say if she took aday off?), but even when she said it she was thinking how much her eyes enjoyed looking in hisface.
塞丝攥起两只拳头，把它们藏在屁股后面。
“你跟她一样差劲。
”
“得啦，塞丝。
”
“噢，我要说，我要说!”
“你知道我什么意思。
”
“我知道，而且不高兴。
”
“耶稣啊。
”他嘟囔道。
“谁？”塞丝又开始提高音量。
“耶稣!我说的是耶稣!我只不过坐下来吃顿晚饭，就给骂了两回。一回是因为在这儿待着，一回是因为问问一开始为什么挨骂!”
“她没骂。
”
“没骂？听着可像。
”
“听我说。我替她道歉。我真的———”
“你做不到。你不能替别人道歉。得让她来说。
”
“那么我会让她说的。
”塞丝叹了口气。
“我想知道的是，她问的问题你脑子里也有吗？
”
“噢，不是。不是，保罗·d。噢，不是。
”
“这么说她有一套想法，而你有另一套喽？要是你能把她脑子里的什么玩意儿都叫做想法的话。”
“原谅我，可是我听不得一丁点儿她的坏话。我会惩罚她的。你甭管她。
”
危险，保罗·d想，太危险了。一个做过奴隶的女人，这样强烈地去爱什么都危险，尤其当她爱的是自己的孩子。最好的办法，他知道，是只爱一点点；对于一切，都只爱一点点，这样，当他们折断它的脊梁，或者将它胡乱塞进收尸袋的时候，那么，也许你还会有一点爱留给下一个。“为什么？
”他问她，“为什么你觉得你得替她承担？替她道歉？她已经成熟了。
”
“我可不管她怎么样了。成熟对一个母亲来说啥都不算。孩子就是孩子。他们会变大、变老，可是变成熟？那是什么意思？在我心里那什么也不算。
”
“成熟意味着她必须对她的行为负责。你不能时时刻刻护着她。你死了以后怎么办？
”
“不怎么办!我活着的时候保护她，我不活的时候还保护她。
”
“噢得啦，我没词儿了，”他说，“我投降。
”
“就是那么回事，保罗·d。我没有更好的解释，可就是那么回事。假如我非选择不可———唉，连选择都没有。
”
“就是这个意思，完全正确。我不是要求你去选择，谁也不会这样要求你。我以为———我是说，我以为你能———给我一席之地。
”
“她也在问我。
”
“你逃不过去。你得对她讲。告诉她这不是放弃她选择别人的问题———是同她一道为别人腾点地方。你得讲出来。要是你这样讲也这样打算，那么你也该明白你不能堵住我的嘴。做得到的话，我绝不可能伤害她或者不照顾好她，可是如果她做事丢人现眼，我不能让人跟我说住嘴。你愿意我待在这儿，就别堵住我的嘴。
”
“也许我应该顺其自然。
”她说。
“那是什么样？
”
“我们挺合得来。
”
“内心呢？
”
“我不进入内心。
”
“塞丝，有我在这儿陪着你，陪着丹芙，你想去哪儿就去哪儿。你想跳就跳吧，我会接着你的，姑娘。我会在你摔倒之前就接住你。你在心里想走多远就走多远，我会握住你的脚脖子。保证你能再走出来。我不是为了能有个地方待才这么说的。那是我最不需要的东西。我说了，我是个过路客，可是我已经朝这个方向走了七年了。在这一带转来转去。北边的州，南边的州，东边的，西边的；没有名字的地方我也去过，在哪儿都不久留。可是我到了这儿，坐在门廊上等着你，这时我才知道，我不是奔这个地方来的，是奔你。我们能创造一种生活，姑娘。一种生活。
”
“我不知道。我不知道。
”
“交给我吧。看看会怎么样。你要是不愿意就先别答应。先看看会怎么样。好吗？
”
“好吧。
”
“你愿意交给我来干吗？
”
“嗯———一部分。
”
“一部分？
”他笑了，“好极了。先给你一部分。城里有个狂欢节。星期四，明天，是黑人专场。我有两块钱。我、你，还有丹芙，咱们去把它花个一个子儿不剩。你说怎么样？
”
她的回答是“不”。至少一开始是这么说的（她要是请一天假老板会怎么说？），可是尽管嘴上这么说，她心里却一直在想，她的眼睛是多么爱看他的脸呀。
