a man lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside and said:

“i am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last proof of your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy religion, a married man seeking admittance at the gate of heaven is required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an unworthy woman. in my desk you will find a crimson candle, which has been blessed by the high priest and has a peculiar mystical significance. swear to me that while it is in existence you will not remarry.”

the woman swore and the man died. at the funeral the woman stood at the head of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it was wasted entirely away.

the blotted escutcheon and the soiled ermine

a blotted escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:

“mr. speaker, i wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. they come of no accident of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of things.”

when the blotted escutcheon had resumed his seat a soiled ermine rose and said:

“mr. speaker, i have heard with profound attention and entire approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to offer a few remarks on my own behalf. i, too, have been foully calumniated by our ancient enemy, the infamous falsehood, and i wish to point out that i am made of the fur of the mustela maculata, which is dirty from birth.”