tuition at the college-on-the-hill is fourteen thousand dollars, sunday brunch included. i sense there is a connectionbetween this powerful number and the way the students arrange themselves physically in the reading areas of thelibrary. they sit on broad cushioned seats in various kinds of ungainly posture, clearly calculated to be theidentifying signs of some kinship group or secret organization. they are fetal, splayed, knock-kneed, arched,square-knotted, sometimes almost upside-down. the positions are so studied they amount to a classical mime. thereis an element of overrefinement and inbreeding. sometimes i feel i've wandered into a far eastern dream, too remoteto be interpreted. but it is only the language of economic class they are speaking, in one of its allowable outwardforms, like the convocation of station wagons at the start of the year.
denise watched her mother pull the little cellophane ribbon on a bonus pack of sixteen individually wrapped units ofchewing gum. her eyes narrowed as she turned back to the address books on the kitchen table before her. theeleven-year-old face was an expert mask of restrained exasperation.
she waited a long moment, then said evenly, "that stuff causes cancer in laboratory animals in case you didn'tknow.""you wanted me to chew sugarless gum, denise. it was your idea.""there was no warning on the pack then. they put a warning, which i would have a hard time believing you didn'tsee."she was transcribing names and phone numbers from an old book to a new one. there were no addresses. her friendshad phone numbers only, a race of people with a seven-bit analog consciousness.
"i'm happy to do it either way," babette said. "it's totally up to you. either i chew gum with sugar and artificialcoloring or i chew sugarless and colorless gum that's harmful to rats."steffie got off the phone. "don't chew at all," she said. "did you ever think of that?"babette was breaking eggs into a wooden salad bowl. she gave me a look that wondered how the girl could talk onthe phone and listen to us at the same time. i wanted to say because she finds us interesting.
babette said to the girls, "look, either i chew gum or i smoke. if you want me to start smoking again, take away mychewing gum and my mentho-lyptus.""why do you have to do one or the other?" steffie said. "why not do neither one?""why not do both?" denise said, the face carefully emptying itself of expression. "that's what you want, isn't it? weall get to do what we want, don't we? except if we want to go to school tomorrow we can't because they're fumigatingthe place or whatever."the phone rang; steffie grabbed it.
"i'm not a criminal," babette said. "all i want to do is chew a pathetic little tasteless chunk of gum now and then.""well it's not that simple," denise said.
"it's not a crime either. i chew about two of those little chunks a day.""well you can't anymore.""well i can, denise. i want to. chewing happens to relax me. you're making a fuss over nothing."steffie managed to get our attention by the sheer pleading force of the look on her face. her hand was over themouthpiece of the phone. she did not speak but only formed the words.
the stovers want to come over.
"parents or children?" babette said.
my daughter shrugged.
"we don't want them," babette said.
"keep them out," denise said.
what do i say?
"say anything you want.""just keep them out of here.""they're boring.""tell them to stay home."steffie retreated with the phone, appearing to shield it with her body, her eyes full of fear and excitement.
"a little gum can't possibly hurt," babette said.
"i guess you're right. never mind. just a warning on the pack."steffie hung up. "just hazardous to your health," she said.
"just rats," denise said. "i guess you're right. never mind.""maybe she thinks they died in their sleep.""just useless rodents, so what's the difference?""what's the difference, what's the fuss?" steffie said.
"plus i'd like to believe she chews only two pieces a day, the way she forgets things.""what do i forget?" babette said.
"it's all right," denise said. "never mind.""what do i forget?""go ahead and chew. never mind the warning. i don't care."i scooped wilder off a chair and gave him a noisy kiss on the ear and he shrank away in delight. then i put him on thecounter and went upstairs to find heinrich. he was in his room studying the deployment of plastic chessmen.
"still playing with the fellow in prison? how's it going?""pretty good. i think i got him cornered.""what do you know about this fellow? i've been meaning to ask.""like who did he kill? that's the big thing today. concern for the victim.""you've been playing chess with the man for months. what do you know about him except that he's in jail for life, formurder? is he young, old, black, white? do you communicate at all except for chess moves?""we send notes sometimes.""who did he kill?""he was under pressure.""and what happened?""it kept building and building.""so he went out and shot someone. who did he shoot?""some people in iron city.""how many?""five.""five people.""not counting the state trooper, which was later.""six people. did he care for his weapons obsessively? did he have an arsenal stashed in his shabby little room off asix-story concrete car park?""some handguns and a bolt-action rifle with a scope.""a telescopic sight. did he fire from a highway overpass, a rented room? did he walk into a bar, a washette, hisformer place of employment and start firing indiscriminately? people scattering, taking cover under tables. peopleout on the street thinking they heard firecrackers. 'i was just waiting for the bus when i heard this little popping noiselike firecrackers going off.'""he went up to a roof.""a rooftop sniper. did he write in his diary before he went up to the roof? did he make tapes of his voice, go to themovies, read books about other mass murderers to refresh his memory?""made tapes.""made tapes. what did he do with them?""sent them to people he loved, asking for forgiveness.""'i can't help myself, folks.' were the victims total strangers? was it a grudge killing? did he get fired from his job?
had he been hearing voices?"'total strangers.""had he been hearing voices?""on tv.""talking just to him? singling him out?""telling him to go down in history. he was twenty-seven, out of work, divorced, with his car up on blocks. time wasrunning out on him.""insistent pressuring voices. how did he deal with the media? give lots of interviews, write letters to the editor of thelocal paper, try to make a book deal?""there is no media in iron city. he didn't think of that till it was too late. he says if he had to do it all over again, hewouldn't do it as an ordinary murder, he would do it as an assassination.""he would select more carefully, kill one famous person, get noticed, make it stick.""he now knows he won't go down in history.""neither will i.""but you've got hitler.""yes, i have, haven't i?""what's tommy roy foster got?""all right, he's told you all these things in the letters he sends. what do you say when you respond?""i'm losing my hair."i looked at him. he wore a warmup suit, a towel around his neck, sweatbands on both wrists.
"you know what your mother would say about this chess by mail relationship.""i know what you would say. you're saying it.""how is your mother? hear from her lately?""she wants me to go out to the ashram this summer.""do you want to go?""who knows what i want to do? who knows what anyone wants to do? how can you be sure about something likethat? isn't it all a question of brain chemistry, signals going back and forth, electrical energy in the cortex? how doyou know whether something is really what you want to do or just some kind of nerve impulse in the brain? someminor little activity takes place somewhere in this unimportant place in one of the brain hemispheres and suddenly iwant to go to montana or i don't want to go to montana. how do i know i really want to go and it isn't just someneurons firing or something? maybe it's just an accidental flash in the medulla and suddenly there i am in montanaand i find out i really didn't want to go there in the first place. i can't control what happens in my brain, so how can ibe sure what i want to do ten seconds from now, much less montana next summer? it's all this activity in the brainand you don't know what's you as a person and what's some neuron that just happens to fire or just happens to misfire.
isn't that why tommy roy killed those people?"in the morning i walked to the bank. i went to the automated teller machine to check my balance. i inserted my card,entered my secret code, tapped out my request. the figure on the screen roughly corresponded to my independentestimate, feebly arrived at after long searches through documents, tormented arithmetic. waves of relief andgratitude flowed over me. the system had blessed my life. i felt its support and approval. the system hardware, themainframe sitting in a locked room in some distant city. what a pleasing interaction. i sensed that something of deeppersonal value, but not money, not that at all, had been authenticated and confirmed. a deranged person was escortedfrom the bank by two armed guards. the system was invisible, which made it all the more impressive, all the moredisquieting to deal with. but we were in accord, at least for now. the networks, the circuits, the streams, theharmonies.
