through the disused graveyard in the parish of st. pancras, fanny elmer strayed between the white tombs which lean against the wall, crossing the grass to read a name, hurrying on when the grave-keeper approached, hurrying into the street, pausing now by a window with blue china, now quickly making up for lost time, abruptly entering a baker's shop, buying rolls, adding cakes, going on again so that any one wishing to follow must fairly trot. she was not drably shabby, though. she wore silk stockings, and silver-buckled shoes, only the red feather in her hat drooped, and the clasp of her bag was weak, for out fell a copy of madame tussaud's programme as she walked. she had the ankles of a stag. her face was hidden. of course, in this dusk, rapid movements, quick glances, and soaring hopes come naturally enough. she passed right beneath jacob's window.
the house was flat, dark, and silent. jacob was at home engaged upon a chess problem, the board being on a stool between his knees. one hand was fingering the hair at the back of his head. he slowly brought it forward and raised the white queen from her square; then put her down again on the same spot. he filled his pipe; ruminated; moved two pawns; advanced the white knight; then ruminated with one finger upon the bishop. now fanny elmer passed beneath the window.
she was on her way to sit to nick bramham the painter.
she sat in a flowered spanish shawl, holding in her hand a yellow novel.
"a little lower, a little looser, so--better, that's right," bramham mumbled, who was drawing her, and smoking at the same time, and was naturally speechless. his head might have been the work of a sculptor, who had squared the forehead, stretched the mouth, and left marks of his thumbs and streaks from his fingers in the clay. but the eyes had never been shut. they were rather prominent, and rather bloodshot, as if from staring and staring, and when he spoke they looked for a second disturbed, but went on staring. an unshaded electric light hung above her head.
as for the beauty of women, it is like the light on the sea, never constant to a single wave. they all have it; they all lose it. now she is dull and thick as bacon; now transparent as a hanging glass. the fixed faces are the dull ones. here comes lady venice displayed like a monument for admiration, but carved in alabaster, to be set on the mantelpiece and never dusted. a dapper brunette complete from head to foot serves only as an illustration to lie upon the drawing-room table. the women in the streets have the faces of playing cards; the outlines accurately filled in with pink or yellow, and the line drawn tightly round them. then, at a top-floor window, leaning out, looking down, you see beauty itself; or in the corner of an omnibus; or squatted in a ditch--beauty glowing, suddenly expressive, withdrawn the moment after. no one can count on it or seize it or have it wrapped in paper. nothing is to be won from the shops, and heaven knows it would be better to sit at home than haunt the plate-glass windows in the hope of lifting the shining green, the glowing ruby, out of them alive. sea glass in a saucer loses its lustre no sooner than silks do. thus if you talk of a beautiful woman you mean only something flying fast which for a second uses the eyes, lips, or cheeks of fanny elmer, for example, to glow through.
she was not beautiful, as she sat stiffly; her underlip too prominent; her nose too large; her eyes too near together. she was a thin girl, with brilliant cheeks and dark hair, sulky just now, or stiff with sitting. when bramham snapped his stick of charcoal she started. bramham was out of temper. he squatted before the gas fire warming his hands. meanwhile she looked at his drawing. he grunted. fanny threw on a dressing-gown and boiled a kettle.
"by god, it's bad," said bramham.
fanny dropped on to the floor, clasped her hands round her knees, and looked at him, her beautiful eyes--yes, beauty, flying through the room, shone there for a second. fanny's eyes seemed to question, to commiserate, to be, for a second, love itself. but she exaggerated. bramham noticed nothing. and when the kettle boiled, up she scrambled, more like a colt or a puppy than a loving woman.
now jacob walked over to the window and stood with his hands in his pockets. mr. springett opposite came out, looked at his shop window, and went in again. the children drifted past, eyeing the pink sticks of sweetstuff. pickford's van swung down the street. a small boy twirled from a rope. jacob turned away. two minutes later he opened the front door, and walked off in the direction of holborn.
fanny elmer took down her cloak from the hook. nick bramham unpinned his drawing and rolled it under his arm. they turned out the lights and set off down the street, holding on their way through all the people, motor cars, omnibuses, carts, until they reached leicester square, five minutes before jacob reached it, for his way was slightly longer, and he had been stopped by a block in holborn waiting to see the king drive by, so that nick and fanny were already leaning over the barrier in the promenade at the empire when jacob pushed through the swing doors and took his place beside them.
"hullo, never noticed you," said nick, five minutes later.
"bloody rot," said jacob.
"miss elmer," said nick.
jacob took his pipe out of his mouth very awkwardly.
very awkward he was. and when they sat upon a plush sofa and let the smoke go up between them and the stage, and heard far off the high- pitched voices and the jolly orchestra breaking in opportunely he was still awkward, only fanny thought: "what a beautiful voice!" she thought how little he said yet how firm it was. she thought how young men are dignified and aloof, and how unconscious they are, and how quietly one might sit beside jacob and look at him. and how childlike he would be, come in tired of an evening, she thought, and how majestic; a little overbearing perhaps; "but i wouldn't give way," she thought. he got up and leant over the barrier. the smoke hung about him.
and for ever the beauty of young men seems to be set in smoke, however lustily they chase footballs, or drive cricket balls, dance, run, or stride along roads. possibly they are soon to lose it. possibly they look into the eyes of faraway heroes, and take their station among us half contemptuously, she thought (vibrating like a fiddle-string, to be played on and snapped). anyhow, they love silence, and speak beautifully, each word falling like a disc new cut, not a hubble-bubble of small smooth coins such as girls use; and they move decidedly, as if they knew how long to stay and when to go--oh, but mr. flanders was only gone to get a programme.
"the dancers come right at the end," he said, coming back to them.
and isn't it pleasant, fanny went on thinking, how young men bring out lots of silver coins from their trouser pockets, and look at them, instead of having just so many in a purse?
then there she was herself, whirling across the stage in white flounces, and the music was the dance and fling of her own soul, and the whole machinery, rock and gear of the world was spun smoothly into those swift eddies and falls, she felt, as she stood rigid leaning over the barrier two feet from jacob flanders.
her screwed-up black glove dropped to the floor. when jacob gave it her, she started angrily. for never was there a more irrational passion. and jacob was afraid of her for a moment--so violent, so dangerous is it when young women stand rigid; grasp the barrier; fall in love.
it was the middle of february. the roofs of hampstead garden suburb lay in a tremulous haze. it was too hot to walk. a dog barked, barked, barked down in the hollow. the liquid shadows went over the plain.
the body after long illness is languid, passive, receptive of sweetness, but too weak to contain it. the tears well and fall as the dog barks in the hollow, the children skim after hoops, the country darkens and brightens. beyond a veil it seems. ah, but draw the veil thicker lest i faint with sweetness, fanny elmer sighed, as she sat on a bench in judges walk looking at hampstead garden suburb. but the dog went on barking. the motor cars hooted on the road. she heard a far-away rush and humming. agitation was at her heart. up she got and walked. the grass was freshly green; the sun hot. all round the pond children were stooping to launch little boats; or were drawn back screaming by their nurses.
at mid-day young women walk out into the air. all the men are busy in the town. they stand by the edge of the blue pond. the fresh wind scatters the children's voices all about. my children, thought fanny elmer. the women stand round the pond, beating off great prancing shaggy dogs. gently the baby is rocked in the perambulator. the eyes of all the nurses, mothers, and wandering women are a little glazed, absorbed. they gently nod instead of answering when the little boys tug at their skirts, begging them to move on.
and fanny moved, hearing some cry--a workman's whistle perhaps--high in mid-air. now, among the trees, it was the thrush trilling out into the warm air a flutter of jubilation, but fear seemed to spur him, fanny thought; as if he too were anxious with such joy at his heart--as if he were watched as he sang, and pressed by tumult to sing. there! restless, he flew to the next tree. she heard his song more faintly. beyond it was the humming of the wheels and the wind rushing.
she spent tenpence on lunch.
"dear, miss, she's left her umbrella," grumbled the mottled woman in the glass box near the door at the express dairy company's shop.
"perhaps i'll catch her," answered milly edwards, the waitress with the pale plaits of hair; and she dashed through the door.
"no good," she said, coming back a moment later with fanny's cheap umbrella. she put her hand to her plaits.
"oh, that door!" grumbled the cashier.
her hands were cased in black mittens, and the finger-tips that drew in the paper slips were swollen as sausages.
"pie and greens for one. large coffee and crumpets. eggs on toast. two fruit cakes."
thus the sharp voices of the waitresses snapped. the lunchers heard their orders repeated with approval; saw the next table served with anticipation. their own eggs on toast were at last delivered. their eyes strayed no more.
damp cubes of pastry fell into mouths opened like triangular bags.
nelly jenkinson, the typist, crumbled her cake indifferently enough. every time the door opened she looked up. what did she expect to see?
the coal merchant read the telegraph without stopping, missed the saucer, and, feeling abstractedly, put the cup down on the table-cloth.
"did you ever hear the like of that for impertinence?" mrs. parsons wound up, brushing the crumbs from her furs.
"hot milk and scone for one. pot of tea. roll and butter," cried the waitresses.
the door opened and shut.
such is the life of the elderly.
it is curious, lying in a boat, to watch the waves. here are three coming regularly one after another, all much of a size. then, hurrying after them comes a fourth, very large and menacing; it lifts the boat; on it goes; somehow merges without accomplishing anything; flattens itself out with the rest.
what can be more violent than the fling of boughs in a gale, the tree yielding itself all up the trunk, to the very tip of the branch, streaming and shuddering the way the wind blows, yet never flying in dishevelment away? the corn squirms and abases itself as if preparing to tug itself free from the roots, and yet is tied down.
why, from the very windows, even in the dusk, you see a swelling run through the street, an aspiration, as with arms outstretched, eyes desiring, mouths agape. and then we peaceably subside. for if the exaltation lasted we should be blown like foam into the air. the stars would shine through us. we should go down the gale in salt drops--as sometimes happens. for the impetuous spirits will have none of this cradling. never any swaying or aimlessly lolling for them. never any making believe, or lying cosily, or genially supposing that one is much like another, fire warm, wine pleasant, extravagance a sin.
"people are so nice, once you know them."
"i couldn't think ill of her. one must remember--" but nick perhaps, or fanny elmer, believing implicitly in the truth of the moment, fling off, sting the cheek, are gone like sharp hail.
"oh," said fanny, bursting into the studio three-quarters of an hour late because she had been hanging about the neighbourhood of the foundling hospital merely for the chance of seeing jacob walk down the street, take out his latch-key, and open the door, "i'm afraid i'm late"; upon which nick said nothing and fanny grew defiant.
"i'll never come again!" she cried at length.
"don't, then," nick replied, and off she ran without so much as good- night.
how exquisite it was--that dress in evelina's shop off shaftesbury avenue! it was four o'clock on a fine day early in april, and was fanny the one to spend four o'clock on a fine day indoors? other girls in that very street sat over ledgers, or drew long threads wearily between silk and gauze; or, festooned with ribbons in swan and edgars, rapidly added up pence and farthings on the back of the bill and twisted the yard and three-quarters in tissue paper and asked "your pleasure?" of the next comer.
in evelina's shop off shaftesbury avenue the parts of a woman were shown separate. in the left hand was her skirt. twining round a pole in the middle was a feather boa. ranged like the heads of malefactors on temple bar were hats--emerald and white, lightly wreathed or drooping beneath deep-dyed feathers. and on the carpet were her feet--pointed gold, or patent leather slashed with scarlet.
feasted upon by the eyes of women, the clothes by four o'clock were flyblown like sugar cakes in a baker's window. fanny eyed them too. but coming along gerrard street was a tall man in a shabby coat. a shadow fell across evelina's window--jacob's shadow, though it was not jacob. and fanny turned and walked along gerrard street and wished that she had read books. nick never read books, never talked of ireland, or the house of lords; and as for his finger-nails! she would learn latin and read virgil. she had been a great reader. she had read scott; she had read dumas. at the slade no one read. but no one knew fanny at the slade, or guessed how empty it seemed to her; the passion for ear-rings, for dances, for tonks and steer--when it was only the french who could paint, jacob said. for the moderns were futile; painting the least respectable of the arts; and why read anything but marlowe and shakespeare, jacob said, and fielding if you must read novels?
"fielding," said fanny, when the man in charing cross road asked her what book she wanted.
she bought tom jones.
at ten o'clock in the morning, in a room which she shared with a school teacher, fanny elmer read tom jones--that mystic book. for this dull stuff (fanny thought) about people with odd names is what jacob likes. good people like it. dowdy women who don't mind how they cross their legs read tom jones--a mystic book; for there is something, fanny thought, about books which if i had been educated i could have liked-- much better than ear-rings and flowers, she sighed, thinking of the corridors at the slade and the fancy-dress dance next week. she had nothing to wear.
they are real, thought fanny elmer, setting her feet on the mantelpiece. some people are. nick perhaps, only he was so stupid. and women never-- except miss sargent, but she went off at lunch-time and gave herself airs. there they sat quietly of a night reading, she thought. not going to music-halls; not looking in at shop windows; not wearing each other's clothes, like robertson who had worn her shawl, and she had worn his waistcoat, which jacob could only do very awkwardly; for he liked tom jones.
there it lay on her lap, in double columns, price three and sixpence; the mystic book in which henry fielding ever so many years ago rebuked fanny elmer for feasting on scarlet, in perfect prose, jacob said. for he never read modern novels. he liked tom jones.
"i do like tom jones," said fanny, at five-thirty that same day early in april when jacob took out his pipe in the arm-chair opposite.
alas, women lie! but not clara durrant. a flawless mind; a candid nature; a virgin chained to a rock (somewhere off lowndes square) eternally pouring out tea for old men in white waistcoats, blue-eyed, looking you straight in the face, playing bach. of all women, jacob honoured her most. but to sit at a table with bread and butter, with dowagers in velvet, and never say more to clara durrant than benson said to the parrot when old miss perry poured out tea, was an insufferable outrage upon the liberties and decencies of human nature--or words to that effect. for jacob said nothing. only he glared at the fire. fanny laid down tom jones.
she stitched or knitted.
"what's that?" asked jacob.
"for the dance at the slade."
and she fetched her head-dress; her trousers; her shoes with red tassels. what should she wear?
"i shall be in paris," said jacob.
and what is the point of fancy-dress dances? thought fanny. you meet the same people; you wear the same clothes; mangin gets drunk; florinda sits on his knee. she flirts outrageously--with nick bramham just now.
"in paris?" said fanny.
"on my way to greece," he replied.
for, he said, there is nothing so detestable as london in may.
he would forget her.
a sparrow flew past the window trailing a straw--a straw from a stack stood by a barn in a farmyard. the old brown spaniel snuffs at the base for a rat. already the upper branches of the elm trees are blotted with nests. the chestnuts have flirted their fans. and the butterflies are flaunting across the rides in the forest. perhaps the purple emperor is feasting, as morris says, upon a mass of putrid carrion at the base of an oak tree.
fanny thought it all came from tom jones. he could go alone with a book in his pocket and watch the badgers. he would take a train at eight- thirty and walk all night. he saw fire-flies, and brought back glow- worms in pill-boxes. he would hunt with the new forest staghounds. it all came from tom jones; and he would go to greece with a book in his pocket and forget her.
she fetched her hand-glass. there was her face. and suppose one wreathed jacob in a turban? there was his face. she lit the lamp. but as the daylight came through the window only half was lit up by the lamp. and though he looked terrible and magnificent and would chuck the forest, he said, and come to the slade, and be a turkish knight or a roman emperor (and he let her blacken his lips and clenched his teeth and scowled in the glass), still--there lay tom jones.
