and now what was i to do? the absolute magnitude of my misfortune only loomed upon me by degrees. the twenty minutes allowed by that stern old paterfamilias were already gone and i had done nothing towards dressing. and indeed it was impossible that i should do anything that would be of avail. i could not go down to dinner in my stocking feet, nor could i put on my black dress trousers, over a pair of mud-painted top-boots. as for those iron-soled horrors—; and then i gave one of them a kick with the side of my bare foot which sent it half way under the bed.
but what was i to do? i began washing myself and brushing my hair with this horrid weight upon my mind. my first plan was to go to bed, and send down word that i had been taken suddenly ill in the stomach; then to rise early in the morning and get away unobserved. but by such a course of action i should lose all chance of any further acquaintance with those pretty girls! that they were already aware of the extent of my predicament, and were now enjoying it—of that i was quite sure.
what if i boldly put on the shooting-boots, and clattered down to dinner in them? what if i took the bull by the horns, and made, myself, the most of the joke? this might be very well for the dinner, but it would be a bad joke for me when the hour for dancing came. and, alas! i felt that i lacked the courage. it is not every man that can walk down to dinner, in a strange house full of ladies, wearing such boots as those i have described.
should i not attempt to borrow a pair? this, all the world will say, should have been my first idea. but i have not yet mentioned that i am myself a large-boned man, and that my feet are especially well developed. i had never for a moment entertained a hope that i should find any one in that house whose boot i could wear. but at last i rang the bell. i would send for jack, and if everything failed, i would communicate my grief to him.
i had to ring twice before anybody came. the servants, i well knew, were putting the dinner on the table. at last a man entered the room, dressed in rather shabby black, whom i afterwards learned to be the butler.
“what is your name, my friend?” said i, determined to make an ally of the man.
“my name? why larry sure, yer honer. and the masther is out of his sinses in a hurry, becase yer honer don’t come down.”
“is he though? well now, larry; tell me this; which of all the gentlemen in the house has got the largest foot?”
“is it the largest foot, yer honer?” said larry, altogether surprised by my question.
“yes; the largest foot,” and then i proceeded to explain to him my misfortune. he took up first my top-boot, and then the shooting-boot—in looking at which he gazed with wonder at the nails;—and then he glanced at my feet, measuring them with his eye; and after this he pronounced his opinion.
“yer honer couldn’t wear a morsel of leather belonging to ere a one of ’em, young or ould. there niver was a foot like that yet among the o’conors.”
“but are there no strangers staying here?”
“there’s three or four on ’em come in to dinner; but they’ll be wanting their own boots i’m thinking. and there’s young misther dillon; he’s come to stay. but lord love you—” and he again looked at the enormous extent which lay between the heel and the toe of the shooting apparatus which he still held in his hand. “i niver see such a foot as that in the whole barony,” he said, “barring my own.”
now larry was a large man, much larger altogether than myself, and as he said this i looked down involuntarily at his feet; or rather at his foot, for as he stood i could only see one. and then a sudden hope filled my heart. on that foot there glittered a shoe—not indeed such as were my own which were now resting ingloriously at ballyglass while they were so sorely needed at castle conor; but one which i could wear before ladies, without shame—and in my present frame of mind with infinite contentment.
“let me look at that one of your own,” said i to the man, as though it were merely a subject for experimental inquiry. larry, accustomed to obedience, took off the shoe and handed it to me.
my own foot was immediately in it, and i found that it fitted me like a glove.
“and now the other,” said i—not smiling, for a smile would have put him on his guard; but somewhat sternly, so that that habit of obedience should not desert him at this perilous moment. and then i stretched out my hand.
“but yer honer can’t keep ’em, you know,” said he. “i haven’t the ghost of another shoe to my feet.” but i only looked more sternly than before, and still held out my hand. custom prevailed. larry stooped down slowly, looking at me the while, and pulling off the other slipper handed it to me with much hesitation. alas! as i put it to my foot i found that it was old, and worn, and irredeemably down at heel;—that it was in fact no counterpart at all to that other one which was to do duty as its fellow. but nevertheless i put my foot into it, and felt that a descent to the drawing-room was now possible.
“but yer honer will give ’em back to a poor man?” said larry almost crying. “the masther’s mad this minute becase the dinner’s not up. glory to god, only listhen to that!” and as he spoke a tremendous peal rang out from some bell down stairs that had evidently been shaken by an angry hand.
“larry,” said i—and i endeavoured to assume a look of very grave importance as i spoke—“i look to you to assist me in this matter.”
“och—wirra sthrue then, and will you let me go? just listhen to that,” and another angry peal rang out, loud and repeated.
“if you do as i ask you,” i continued, “you shall be well rewarded. look here; look at these boots,” and i held up the shooting-shoes new from burlington arcade. “they cost thirty shillings—thirty shillings! and i will give them to you for the loan of this pair of slippers.”
“they’d be no use at all to me, yer honer; not the laist use in life.”
“you could do with them very well for to-night, and then you could sell them. and here are ten shillings besides,” and i held out half a sovereign which the poor fellow took into his hand.
i waited no further parley but immediately walked out of the room. with one foot i was sufficiently pleased. as regarded that i felt that i had overcome my difficulty. but the other was not so satisfactory. whenever i attempted to lift it from the ground the horrid slipper would fall off, or only just hang by the toe. as for dancing, that would be out of the question.
“och, murther, murther,” sang out larry, as he heard me going down stairs. “what will i do at all? tare and ’ounds; there, he’s at it agin, as mad as blazes.” this last exclamation had reference to another peal which was evidently the work of the master’s hand.
i confess i was not quite comfortable as i walked down stairs. in the first place i was nearly half an hour late, and i knew from the vigour of the peals that had sounded that my slowness had already been made the subject of strong remarks. and then my left shoe went flop, flop, on every alternate step of the stairs. by no exertion of my foot in the drawing up of my toe could i induce it to remain permanently fixed upon my foot. but over and above and worse than all this was the conviction strong upon my mind that i should become a subject of merriment to the girls as soon as i entered the room. they would understand the cause of my distress, and probably at this moment were expecting to hear me clatter through the stone hall with those odious metal boots.
however, i hurried down and entered the drawing-room, determined to keep my position near the door, so that i might have as little as possible to do on entering and as little as possible in going out. but i had other difficulties in store for me. i had not as yet been introduced to mrs. o’conor; nor to miss o’conor, the squire’s unmarried sister.
“upon my word i thought you were never coming,” said mr. o’conor as soon as he saw me. “it is just one hour since we entered the house. jack, i wish you would find out what has come to that fellow larry,” and again he rang the bell. he was too angry, or it might be too impatient to go through the ceremony of introducing me to anybody.
i saw that the two girls looked at me very sharply, but i stood at the back of an arm-chair so that no one could see my feet. but that little imp tizzy walked round deliberately, looked at my heels, and then walked back again. it was clear that she was in the secret.
there were eight or ten people in the room, but i was too much fluttered to notice well who they were.
“mamma,” said miss o’conor, “let me introduce mr. green to you.”
it luckily happened that mrs. o’conor was on the same side of the fire as myself, and i was able to take the hand which she offered me without coming round into the middle of the circle. mrs. o’conor was a little woman, apparently not of much importance in the world, but, if one might judge from first appearance, very good-natured.
“and my aunt die, mr. green,” said kate, pointing to a very straight-backed, grim-looking lady, who occupied a corner of a sofa, on the opposite side of the hearth. i knew that politeness required that i should walk across the room and make acquaintance with her. but under the existing circumstances how was i to obey the dictates of politeness? i was determined therefore to stand my ground, and merely bowed across the room at miss o’conor. in so doing i made an enemy who never deserted me during the whole of my intercourse with the family. but for her, who knows who might have been sitting opposite to me as i now write?
“upon my word, mr. green, the ladies will expect much from an adonis who takes so long over his toilet,” said tom o’conor in that cruel tone of banter which he knew so well how to use.
“you forget, father, that men in london can’t jump in and out of their clothes as quick as we wild irishmen,” said jack.
“mr. green knows that we expect a great deal from him this evening. i hope you polk well, mr. green,” said kate.
i muttered something about never dancing, but i knew that that which i said was inaudible.
“i don’t think mr. green will dance,” said tizzy; “at least not much.” the impudence of that child was, i think, unparalleled by any that i have ever witnessed.
“but in the name of all that’s holy, why don’t we have dinner?” and mr. o’conor thundered at the door. “larry, larry, larry!” he screamed.
“yes, yer honer, it’ll be all right in two seconds,” answered larry, from some bottomless abyss. “tare an’ ages; what’ll i do at all,” i heard him continuing, as he made his way into the hall. oh what a clatter he made upon the pavement,—for it was all stone! and how the drops of perspiration stood upon my brow as i listened to him!
and then there was a pause, for the man had gone into the dining-room. i could see now that mr. o’conor was becoming very angry, and jack the eldest son—oh, how often he and i have laughed over all this since—left the drawing-room for the second time. immediately afterwards larry’s footsteps were again heard, hurrying across the hall, and then there was a great slither, and an exclamation, and the noise of a fall—and i could plainly hear poor larry’s head strike against the stone floor.
“ochone, ochone!” he cried at the top of his voice—“i’m murthered with ’em now intirely; and d— ’em for boots—st. peter be good to me.”
there was a general rush into the hall, and i was carried with the stream. the poor fellow who had broken his head would be sure to tell how i had robbed him of his shoes. the coachman was already helping him up, and peter good-naturedly lent a hand.
“what on earth is the matter?” said mr. o’conor.
“he must be tipsy,” whispered miss o’conor, the maiden sister.
“i aint tipsy at all thin,” said larry, getting up and rubbing the back of his head, and sundry other parts of his body. “tipsy indeed!” and then he added when he was quite upright, “the dinner is sarved—at last.”
and he bore it all without telling! “i’ll give that fellow a guinea to-morrow morning,” said i to myself—“if it’s the last that i have in the world.”
i shall never forget the countenance of the miss o’conors as larry scrambled up cursing the unfortunate boots—“what on earth has he got on?” said mr. o’conor.
“sorrow take ’em for shoes,” ejaculated larry. but his spirit was good and he said not a word to betray me.
we all then went in to dinner how we best could. it was useless for us to go back into the drawing-room, that each might seek his own partner. mr. o’conor “the masther,” not caring much for the girls who were around him, and being already half beside himself with the confusion and delay, led the way by himself. i as a stranger should have given my arm to mrs. o’conor; but as it was i took her eldest daughter instead, and contrived to shuffle along into the dining-room without exciting much attention, and when there i found myself happily placed between kate and fanny.
“i never knew anything so awkward,” said fanny; “i declare i can’t conceive what has come to our old servant larry. he’s generally the most precise person in the world, and now he is nearly an hour late—and then he tumbles down in the hall.”
“i am afraid i am responsible for the delay,” said i.
“but not for the tumble i suppose,” said kate from the other side. i felt that i blushed up to the eyes, but i did not dare to enter into explanations.
“tom,” said tizzy, addressing her father across the table, “i hope you had a good run to-day.” it did seem odd to me that young lady should call her father tom, but such was the fact.
“well; pretty well,” said mr. o’conor.
“and i hope you were up with the hounds.”
“you may ask mr. green that. he at any rate was with them, and therefore he can tell you.”
“oh, he wasn’t before you, i know. no englishman could get before you;—i am quite sure of that.”
“don’t you be impertinent, miss,” said kate. “you can easily see, mr. green, that papa spoils my sister eliza.”
“do you hunt in top-boots, mr. green?” said tizzy.
to this i made no answer. she would have drawn me into a conversation about my feet in half a minute, and the slightest allusion to the subject threw me into a fit of perspiration.
“are you fond of hunting, miss o’conor?” asked i, blindly hurrying into any other subject of conversation.
miss o’conor owned that she was fond of hunting—just a little; only papa would not allow it. when the hounds met anywhere within reach of castle conor, she and kate would ride out to look at them; and if papa was not there that day,—an omission of rare occurrence,—they would ride a few fields with the hounds.
“but he lets tizzy keep with them the whole day,” said she, whispering.
“and has tizzy a pony of her own?”
“oh yes, tizzy has everything. she’s papa’s pet, you know.”
“and whose pet are you?” i asked.
“oh—i am nobody’s pet, unless sometimes jack makes a pet of me when he’s in a good humour. do you make pets of your sisters, mr. green?”
“i have none. but if i had i should not make pets of them.”
“not of your own sisters?”
“no. as for myself, i’d sooner make a pet of my friend’s sister; a great deal.”
“how very unnatural,” said miss o’conor, with the prettiest look of surprise imaginable.
“not at all unnatural i think,” said i, looking tenderly and lovingly into her face. where does one find girls so pretty, so easy, so sweet, so talkative as the irish girls? and then with all their talking and all their ease who ever hears of their misbehaving? they certainly love flirting, as they also love dancing. but they flirt without mischief and without malice.
i had now quite forgotten my misfortune, and was beginning to think how well i should like to have fanny o’conor for my wife. in this frame of mind i was bending over towards her as a servant took away a plate from the other side, when a sepulchral note sounded in my ear. it was like the memento mori of the old roman;—as though some one pointed in the midst of my bliss to the sword hung over my head by a thread. it was the voice of larry, whispering in his agony just above my head—
“they’s disthroying my poor feet intirely, intirely; so they is! i can’t bear it much longer, yer honer.” i had committed murder like macbeth; and now my banquo had come to disturb me at my feast.
“what is it he says to you?” asked fanny.
“oh nothing,” i answered, once more in my misery.
“there seems to be some point of confidence between you and our larry,” she remarked.
“oh no,” said i, quite confused; “not at all.”
“you need not be ashamed of it. half the gentlemen in the county have their confidences with larry;—and some of the ladies too, i can tell you. he was born in this house, and never lived anywhere else; and i am sure he has a larger circle of acquaintance than any one else in it.”
i could not recover my self-possession for the next ten minutes. whenever larry was on our side of the table i was afraid he was coming to me with another agonised whisper. when he was opposite, i could not but watch him as he hobbled in his misery. it was evident that the boots were too tight for him, and had they been made throughout of iron they could not have been less capable of yielding to the feet. i pitied him from the bottom of my heart. and i pitied myself also, wishing that i was well in bed upstairs with some feigned malady, so that larry might have had his own again.
and then for a moment i missed him from the room. he had doubtless gone to relieve his tortured feet in the servants’ hall, and as he did so was cursing my cruelty. but what mattered it? let him curse. if he would only stay away and do that, i would appease his wrath when we were alone together with pecuniary satisfaction.
but there was no such rest in store for me. “larry, larry,” shouted mr. o’conor, “where on earth has the fellow gone to?” they were all cousins at the table except myself, and mr. o’conor was not therefore restrained by any feeling of ceremony. “there is something wrong with that fellow to-day; what is it, jack?”
“upon my word, sir, i don’t know,” said jack.
“i think he must be tipsy,” whispered miss o’conor, the maiden sister, who always sat at her brother’s left hand. but a whisper though it was, it was audible all down the table.
“no, ma’am; it aint dhrink at all,” said the coachman. “it is his feet as does it.”
“his feet!” shouted tom o’conor.
“yes; i know it’s his feet,” said that horrid tizzy. “he’s got on great thick nailed shoes. it was that that made him tumble down in the hall.”
i glanced at each side of me, and could see that there was a certain consciousness expressed in the face of each of my two neighbours;—on kate’s mouth there was decidedly a smile, or rather, perhaps, the slightest possible inclination that way; whereas on fanny’s part i thought i saw something like a rising sorrow at my distress. so at least i flattered myself.
“send him back into the room immediately,” said tom, who looked at me as though he had some consciousness that i had introduced all this confusion into his household. what should i do? would it not be best for me to make clean breast of it before them all? but alas! i lacked the courage.
the coachman went out, and we were left for five minutes without any servant, and mr. o’conor the while became more and more savage. i attempted to say a word to fanny, but failed. vox faucibus haesit.
“i don’t think he has got any others,” said tizzy—“at least none others left.”
on the whole i am glad i did not marry into the family, as i could not have endured that girl to stay in my house as a sister-in-law.
“where the d— has that other fellow gone to?” said tom. “jack, do go out and see what is the matter. if anybody is drunk send for me.”
“oh, there is nobody drunk,” said tizzy.
jack went out, and the coachman returned; but what was done and said i hardly remember. the whole room seemed to swim round and round, and as far as i can recollect the company sat mute, neither eating nor drinking. presently jack returned.
“it’s all right,” said he. i always liked jack. at the present moment he just looked towards me and laughed slightly.
“all right?” said tom. “but is the fellow coming?”
“we can do with richard, i suppose,” said jack.
“no—i can’t do with richard,” said the father. “and will know what it all means. where is that fellow larry?”
larry had been standing just outside the door, and now he entered gently as a mouse. no sound came from his footfall, nor was there in his face that look of pain which it had worn for the last fifteen minutes. but he was not the less abashed, frightened and unhappy.
“what is all this about, larry?” said his master, turning to him. “i insist upon knowing.”
“och thin, mr. green, yer honer, i wouldn’t be afther telling agin yer honer; indeed i wouldn’t thin, av’ the masther would only let me hould my tongue.” and he looked across at me, deprecating my anger.
“mr. green!” said mr. o’conor.
“yes, yer honer. it’s all along of his honer’s thick shoes;” and larry, stepping backwards towards the door, lifted them up from some corner, and coming well forward, exposed them with the soles uppermost to the whole table.
“and that’s not all, yer honer; but they’ve squoze the very toes of me into a jelly.”
there was now a loud laugh, in which jack and peter and fanny and kate and tizzy all joined; as too did mr. o’conor—and i also myself after a while.
“whose boots are they?” demanded miss o’conor senior, with her severest tone and grimmest accent.
“’deed then and the divil may have them for me, miss,” answered larry. “they war mr. green’s, but the likes of him won’t wear them agin afther the likes of me—barring he wanted them very particular,” added he, remembering his own pumps.
i began muttering something, feeling that the time had come when i must tell the tale. but jack with great good nature, took up the story and told it so well, that i hardly suffered in the telling.
“and that’s it,” said tom o’conor, laughing till i thought he would have fallen from his chair. “so you’ve got larry’s shoes on—”
“and very well he fills them,” said jack.
“and it’s his honer that’s welcome to ’em,” said larry, grinning from ear to ear now that he saw that “the masther” was once more in a good humour.
“i hope they’ll be nice shoes for dancing,” said kate.
“only there’s one down at the heel i know,” said tizzy.
“the servant’s shoes!” this was an exclamation made by the maiden lady, and intended apparently only for her brother’s ear. but it was clearly audible by all the party.
“better that than no dinner,” said peter.
“but what are you to do about the dancing?” said fanny, with an air of dismay on her face which flattered me with an idea that she did care whether i danced or no.
in the mean time larry, now as happy as an emperor, was tripping round the room without any shoes to encumber him as he withdrew the plates from the table.
“and it’s his honer that’s welcome to ’em,” said he again, as he pulled off the table-cloth with a flourish. “and why wouldn’t he, and he able to folly the hounds betther nor any englishman that iver war in these parts before,—anyways so mick says!”
now mick was the huntsman, and this little tale of eulogy from larry went far towards easing my grief. i had ridden well to the hounds that day, and i knew it.
there was nothing more said about the shoes, and i was soon again at my ease, although miss o’conor did say something about the impropriety of larry walking about in his stocking feet. the ladies however soon withdrew,—to my sorrow, for i was getting on swimmingly with fanny; and then we gentlemen gathered round the fire and filled our glasses.
in about ten minutes a very light tap was heard, the door was opened to the extent of three inches, and a female voice which i readily recognised called to jack.
jack went out, and in a second or two put his head back into the room and called to me—“green,” he said, “just step here moment, there’s a good fellow.” i went out, and there i found fanny standing with her brother.
“here are the girls at their wits’ ends,” said he, “about your dancing. so fanny has put a boy upon one of the horse and proposes that you should send another line to mrs. meehan at ballyglass. it’s only ten miles, and he’ll be back in two hours.”
i need hardly say that i acted in conformity with this advice, i went into mr. o’conor’s book room, with jack and his sister, and there scribbled a note. i was delightful to feel how intimate i was with them, and how anxious they were to make me happy.
“and we won’t begin till they come,” said fanny.
“oh, miss o’conor, pray don’t wait,” said i.
“oh, but we will,” she answered. “you have your wine to drink, and then there’s the tea; and then we’ll have a song two. i’ll spin it out; see if i don’t.” and so we went to the front door where the boy was already on his horse—her own nag as i afterwards found.
“and patsey,” said she, “ride for your life; and patsey, whatever you do, don’t come back without mr. green’s pumps—his dancing-shoes you know.”
and in about two hours the pumps did arrive; and i don’t think i ever spent a pleasanter evening or got more satisfaction out of a pair of shoes. they had not been two minutes on my feet before larry was carrying a tray of negus across the room in those which i had worn at dinner.
“the dillon girls are going to stay here,” said fanny as i wished her good night at two o’clock. “and we’ll have dancing every evening as long as you remain.”
“but i shall leave to-morrow,” said i.
“indeed you won’t. papa will take care of that.”
and so he did. “you had better go over to ballyglass yourself to-morrow,” said he, “and collect your own things. there’s no knowing else what you may have to borrow of larry.”
i stayed there three weeks, and in the middle of the third i thought that everything would be arranged between me and fanny. but the aunt interfered; and in about a twelvemonth after my adventures she consented to make a more fortunate man happy for his life.
the end
