by the peculiarity of our position kept much apart, or seldom finding opportunities, even in a house like craigaderyn court, for being alone, as it was perpetually thronged by visitors, we had to content ourselves with the joy of stolen glances that lit up the eye with an expression we alone could read, or that was understood by ourselves only; by tender touches of the hand that thrilled to the heart; and by inflections of the voice, which, do as we might, would at times become soft and tremulous. our life was now full of petty stratagems and pretty lover-like enigmas, especially when in the presence of lady naseby; and now i also became afraid of winifred lloyd, who, unoccupied, so far as i could see, by any love-affair of her own, was almost certain, i thought, to see through mine. "there is no conquest without the affections," said ninon de l'enclos; "and what mole is so blind as a woman in love?" yet estelle was careful to a degree in her bearing, and never permitted her fondness of me to lull her into a sense of security from observation. i learned, however, from my ally dora, that lady naseby was so provoked by what estelle not inaptly termed our "late fiasco," that, save for the weight such a proceeding might have given it, they and the viscount, too, would have quitted craigaderyn court, so they remained; but, thought i, what right had he to be concerned in the matter? and unless i greatly erred, i felt certain that the countess cared not how soon i received my marching orders for that fatal shore where so many of us were to leave our bones.
yet many a stolen kiss and snatched caress or pressure of the hand, many a whispered assurance of love, made estelle and me supremely happy, while the few days that remained of my leave glided quickly--ah, too quickly!--past; and all desire for "glory" apart, i was not sorry when i saw that my fractured arm would prevent my being sent with the next draft, and cause my retention for a little time longer in england. "they who love must drink deeply of the cup of trembling," says some one; "for at times there will arise in their hearts a nameless terror, a sickening anxiety for the future, whose brightness all depends upon this one cherished treasure, which often proves a foreboding of some real anguish looming in the distant hours."
as yet no forebodings came to mar my happiness; it was without alloy, save the prospect of a certain and, as we trusted to providence, a temporary separation; yet it was well that i saw not the future, or what those distant hours had in store for me.
"estelle," said i, one day when a happy chance threw us together for a few minutes in an arbour of the garden, where we sometimes met at a certain hour, and separated after by different paths, like a pair of conspirators, "when shall a period be put to all this mystery--this painful, though joyous, false position in which we find ourselves?"
"we can but wait and hope, harry--wait and hope!" said she, while her head drooped on my shoulder, and my arm went round her.
"wait and hope, dearest, for what? my promotion?"
"that would bring the end no nearer," said she, with a sad, sickly smile.
"no, certainly; even to be colonel of the royal welsh instead of a mere sub would not enhance my value much in lady naseby's estimation," said i, with some bitterness. "for what then, darling?"
"some change in mamma's views regarding me."
"she will never change!"
"you know, harry, that were you rich, i might marry you now--yes, and go to turkey with you, too!" said she, with a brightness in her eyes.
"would to heaven, then, that i were rich! but being poor--"
"it is impossible."
and we both sighed heavily.
"i am under orders for the east, and must take my turn of duty there, risking all the chances of war, ere i can think of home or marriage, estelle; but when we part, if i am not to write to you, how shall i ever know that you think of me? how hear of your health and welfare? that you remain true to me--"
"o, doubt not that!"
"nor do i; but it would be so sweet to see your writing, and imagine your voice reiterating the troth you plighted to me in that terrible time."
"i shall write to you, dear, dear harry, for i can do that freely and openly; but of you, alas! alas! i can only hear through our friends at the court here, for you can neither write to me in london nor at walcot park."
"may i not ask miss lloyd to receive enclosures for you? i shall be writing to her, and we are such old friends that she would think nothing of it."
"too old friends, i fear," said she, with a half-smiling but pointed glance; "but for heaven's sake think not of that. she would never consent, nor should i wish her to do so. i can of course receive what letters i choose; but servants will pry, and consider what certain coats of arms, monograms, and postal marks mean; so my crimean correspondent would be shrewdly suspected, and myself subjected to much annoyance by mamma and her views."
"her views! this is the second time you have referred to them," said i, anxiously; "and they are--"
"that i should marry my cousin naseby, whom i always disliked," said estelle, in a sad and sweetly modulated voice; "or lord pottersleigh, whose wealth and influence are so great that a short time must see him created an earl; but he has no chance now, dear harry!"
long, lovingly, and tenderly she gazed into my eyes, and her glance and her manner seemed so truthful and genuine that i felt all the rapture of trusting her fearlessly, and that neither time nor distance would alter or lessen her regard for me; and a thousand times in "the distant hours" that came did i live over and over again that scene in the arbour, when the warm flush of the august evening was lying deep on the welsh woods and mountains, when all the mullioned windows of the quaint old mansion were glittering in light, and the soft coo of the wild pigeons was heard as they winged their way to the summit of craigaderyn, which is usually alive with them, and there the fierce hawk and the ravenous cormorant know well when to find their prey.
the time for my departure drew near; and already but a day remained to me. caradoc and charley gwynne had already sailed in a troopship for varna, from which the entire army was about to embark for a landing on the russian coast, and ill or well, my presence with the regimental dep?t was imperative. my bullock trunks had been packed by owen gwyllim, and the carriage was ordered to convey me next evening, after an early dinner. the latter passed slowly and heavily enough, and afterwards, instead of remaining all together, as might have been expected, circumstances separated us for an hour or so. lady naseby was indisposed; so was lord pottersleigh, whom his old enemy had confined by the feet to this rooms, yet he hoped to be in service order, to enact the sportsman on the coming 1st of september, a period to which he looked forward with disgust and horror, as involving an enormous amount of useless fatigue, with the chances of shooting himself or some one else. sir madoc had certain country business to attend; and on the three young ladies retiring to the drawing-room, i was left to think over my approaching departure through the medium of burgundy and a cigar.
my sword arm was nearly well now; but still i should have made but a poor affair of it, if compelled to resort to inside and outside cuts, to point and parry, with a burly muscovite. to know that i had but a few hours left me now, and not to spend them with estelle cressingham, seemed intolerable! before me, from the window, spread the far extent of grassy chase steeped in the evening sunshine; above the green woods were the peaks of snowdon and carneydd llewellyn, dim and blue in the distance; and while gazing at them wistfully, i reflected on all i should have to see and undergo, to hope and fear and suffer--the miles i should have to traverse by sea and land--ere i again heard, if ever, the pleasant rustle of the leaves in these old woods, the voice of the wild pigeon or the croak of the rooks among the old tudor gables and chimneys of craigaderyn. and then again i thought of estelle.
"i must see her, and alone, too, at all risks; perhaps dear little dora will assist me," i muttered, and went towards the drawing-room, which was now considerably involved in shadow, being on the western side of the court; and i felt with the tender rosalind, when her lover said, "for these two hours, rosalind, i will leave thee," "alas, dear love, i cannot lack thee two hours."
i entered the room and found only winifred lloyd. she was seated in the deep bay of a very picturesque old oriel window, which seemed to frame her as if in a picture. her chin was resting in the hollow of her left hand, and she was gazing outward dreamily on vacancy, or along the flower-terraces of the house; but she looked hastily round, and held out a hand to me as i approached.
i caressed the pretty hand, and then dropped it; and not knowing very well what to say, leaned over the back of her chair.
"i suppose," she began, "you are thinking--thinking--"
"how far more pleasing to the eye are a pair of fair white shoulders to the same amount of silk or satin," said i smilingly, as i patted her neck with my glove.
she shrugged the white shoulders in question, and said petulantly, with half averted face,
"is it possible that your departure has no place in your thoughts?"
"alas, yes! for do i not leave craigaderyn by sunset? and its golden farewell rays are lingering on blue snowdon even now," said i, with a forced smile; for though i had come in quest of estelle, something--i know not what--drew me to winifred just then.
her eyebrows were very black, but slightly arched, and they almost met over her nose; and i gazed into the orbs below them, so dark, so clear, and beautiful--eyes that could neither conceal the emotions of her heart, nor the pleasure or sorrow she felt; and i thought how easily a man might be lured to forget the world for her, as friendship between the sexes--especially in youth--is perilous; and some such thought, perhaps, occurred to her, for she turned her face abruptly from me.
"you are surely not angry with me?" said i, bending nearer her ear.
"angry--i with you?"
"yes."
"why should i be so?" she asked, looking down upon her folded hands that trembled in her lap--for she was evidently repressing some emotion; thinking, perhaps, of poor phil caradoc, who was then ploughing the waters of the mediterranean with carneydd llewellyn to console him.
"you should not have come here," said she, after a pause.
"not into the drawing-room?"
"unless to meet estelle cressingham."
"do not say this," said i, nervously and imploringly, in a low voice; "what is estelle to me?"
"indeed!" said the little scornful lip. "her mamma summoned her, but she may be here shortly."
doubtless lady naseby had some dread of the leave-taking.
"i shall be so glad to see her once again ere i go."
"of course."
"i hope that you and she will often think and speak of me when i am gone."
"you are a delightful egotist, harry hardinge; but i trust our memories may be reciprocal."
"we have ever been such friends, and must be, you know, winifred."
"yes, harry; why should we not be friends?" she asked, with a dash of passionate earnestness in her tone, while she gazed at me with a curious expression in her large, soft, and long-lashed eyes.
"have you any message for--for----"
"whom?" she asked, sharply.
"philip caradoc."
"none."
"none!"
"save kindest regards and warmest wishes. what is mr. caradoc to me?" then she gave a little shiver, as she added, "our conversation is taking a very strange tone."
"i cannot conceive in how i have annoyed you," said i, with something of sorrow and wonder in my heart.
"perhaps; but you have not annoyed me, though you are not quite what you used to be; and none are so blind as those who will not see."
"i am quite perplexed. i think we know each other pretty well, winifred?" said i, very softly.
"i know you certainly," was the dubious response.
"well--and i you?" said i, laughing.
"scarcely. woman, you should be aware, is a privileged enigma."
"well, i was about to say that, whatever happens, we must ever be dear friends, and think of each other kindly and tenderly, for the pleasant times that are past and gone."
"what can happen to make us otherwise?" she asked, in a strange voice.
"i--may be killed," said i, not knowing very well what to say or suggest; "so, while there is a chance of such a contingency, let us part kindly; not so coldly as this, dear winifred; and kiss me ere i go."
her lips, warm and tremulous, touched mine for an instant; but her eyes were sad and wild, and her poor little face grew ashy white as she hastened away, leaving me with estelle, who was approaching through the long and shaded room; and when with her, winifred lloyd and the momentary emotion that had sprung up--emotion that i cared not and dared not then to analyse--were utterly forgotten.
our interview was a very silent one. we had barely time for a few words, and heavy on my heart as lead weighed the conviction that i had to part from her--my love so recently won, so firmly promised and affianced. i knew that the days of my sojourn at winchester must be few now; and with the chances of war before me, and temptations and aristocratic ambition left behind with her, how dubious and how remote were the chances of our meeting again!
moments there were when i felt blindly desperate, and with my arms round estelle.
when returning, would she still love me, as desdemona loved her moor, for the dangers i had dared? the days of chivalry and romance have gone; but the "old, old story" yet remains to us, fresh as when first told in eden.
"for life or death, for good or for evil, for weal or woe, darling estelle, i leave my heart in your keeping!" said i, in a low passionate whisper; "in twelve months, perhaps, i may claim you as my wife."
"l'homme propose, et dieu dispose," said she, quietly and tenderly. "i yet hope to see you, were it but for a day, at walcot park, ere you sail."
"bless you for the hope your words give me!" said i, as owen gwyllim came to announce that the carriage was at the door, and to give me lady naseby's and lord pottersleigh's cards and farewell wishes. and from that moment all the rest of my leave-taking seemed purely mechanical; and not only sir madoc, his two daughters, and estelle, were on the terrace of the mansion to bid me adieu, but all the hearty, hot-tempered, high-cheekboned old welsh domestics, most of whom had known me since boyhood, were also there.
the impulsive dora brought me my courier-bag, a flask filled with brandy, and dainty sandwiches cut and prepared by winifred's own kind little hands (for in doing this for me she would trust neither the butler nor mrs. gwenny davis the housekeeper), and then she held up her bright face to be kissed; but inspired by i know not what emotion of doubt or dread, i only touched with my lips the hands of lady estelle and miss lloyd. both girls stood a little apart from each other, pale as death, tremulous with suppressed emotion, and with their lashes matted and their eyes filled with tears, that pride and the presence of others restrained from falling. they were calm externally, but their hearts were full of secret thoughts, to which i was long in getting the clue. in the eyes of estelle there was that glance or expression of loving intensity which most men have seen once--it may be twice--in a woman's eye, and have never, never forgotten.
sir madoc's brown manly hand shook mine heartily, and he clapped me on the back.
"i hope to see you yet ere you leave england, my boy, and such hopes always take the sting from an adieu," said he, with a voice that quivered nevertheless. "sorry you can't stay for the 1st of september--the partridges will be in splendid order; but there is shooting enough of another kind in the preserves you are going to."
"and may never come back from," was the comforting addendum of old mrs. davis, as she applied her black-silk apron to her eyes.
"ah, harry," said sir madoc, "you gave a smile so like your mother just now! she was handsome; but you will be never like her, were you as beautiful as absalom."
"it is well that poor mamma can't hear all this," said dora, laughing through her tears.
"your dear mamma, my girl, was very fond of her and of him, too," said honest sir madoc; and then he whispered, "if ever you want cash, harry, don't forget me, and coutts and co.--the dingy den in the strand. farewell--anwylbach!--good-bye!"
a few minutes more and all the tableau on the steps had passed away. i was bowling along the tall lime avenue and down the steep mountain road, up which phil caradoc and i had travelled but a few weeks before. how much had passed since then! and how much was inevitably to pass ere i should again see these familiar scenes! what had i said, or left unsaid? what had i done, what had passed, or how was it, that as the train sped with me beyond brave old chester, on and on, on and on, monotonously clanking, grinding, jarring, and occasionally shrieking, while intrenched among railway rugs, with a choice cigar between my teeth, and while i was verging into that pleasant frame of mind when soft and happy visions are born of the half-drowsy brain, lulled as it were by rapidity of motion and the sameness of recurring sounds--how was it, i say, that the strange, unfathomable expression i had seen in the soft pleading eyes of dear winifred--distance was already making her "dear"--mingled in my memory with the smileless, grave, and tender farewell glance of my pale estelle; and that the sweet innocent kiss of the former was remembered with sadness and delight?
i strove to analyse my ideas, and then thrust them from me, as i lowered the carriage window and looked forth upon the flying landscape and the starry night, and muttered,
"poor winny--god bless her! but two loves for one heart will never, never do. i have been at craigaderyn too long!"
and i pictured to myself the drawing-room there: estelle, perhaps, at the piano to conceal her emotions; or listening, it might be, to the twaddle of old pottersleigh. winny gazing out upon the starlit terrace, trying to realise the prospect--as women proposed to will do--if she had married phil caradoc; or thinking of--heaven knows what! and old sir madoc in his arm-chair, and dreaming, while dora nestled by his side, of the old times, and the boy--to wit, myself--he loved so well.
