whereas it is treasonable to talk of dethroning a monarch, but there can be no disloyalty in preventing a person not yet a monarch from becoming one:

and whereas it is considered by very many, and seems proved by the experience of the last ---- years that the country can do quite well without a monarch, and may therefore save the extra expense of monarchy:

and whereas it is calculated that from the accession of george i. of blessed memory until the decease of the most beloved of queens, victoria, a period of upwards of a century and a half, the royal family of the house of guelph have received full and fair payment in every respect for their generous and heroic conduct in coming to occupy the throne and other high places of this kingdom, and in saving us from the unconstitutional stuarts:

and whereas the said stuarts may now be considered extinct, and thus no longer dangerous to this realm: and whereas the said royal family of the house of guelph is so prolific that the nation cannot hope to support all the members thereof for a long period to come in a royal manner:

and whereas the dukes of this realm are accounted liberal and courteous gentlemen:

and whereas the constitution of our country is so far venetian that it cannot but be improved in harmony and consistency by being made more venetian still:

be it enacted, etc., that the throne now vacant through the ever-to-be-deplored death of her late most gracious majesty shall remain vacant. that the mem-ers of what has been hitherto the royal family keep all the property they have accumulated, the nation resuming from them all grants of sinecures and other salaried appointments. that no member of the said family be eligible for any public appointment whatever for at least one hundred years. that the dukes in the order of their seniority shall act as doges (with whatever title be considered the best) year and year about, under penalty of large fines in cases of refusal, save when such refusal is supported by clear proof of poverty (being revenue under a settled minimum), imbecility, brutality, or other serious disqualification. that no members of a ducal family within a certain degree of relationship to the head of the house be eligible for any public appointment whatever; the head of the house being eligible for the dogeship only. that the duties of the doge be simply to seal and sign acts of parliament, proclamations, etc., when requested to do so by the ministry; and to exercise hospitality to royal or ruling and other representatives of foreign countries, as well as to distinguished natives. that a fair and even excessive allowance be made to the doge for the expenses of his year of office. that the royal palaces be official residences of the doge. that the doge be free from all political responsibility as from all political power; but be responsible for performing liberally and courteously the duties of hospitality, so that buckingham palace shall not contrast painfully with the mansion house. etc., etc.

god preserve the doge!

the commission of inquiry having thus triumphantly vindicated our beloved and gracious sovereign against the cruel aspersions of people in general, and having moreover drafted a plan for obviating such aspersions against any british king or queen in future, ends its report, and dissolves itself, with humble thankfulness to god almighty whose grace alone has empowered it to conclude its arduous labors so speedily, and with results so incalculably beneficial.

p. s.—since the above report was drawn up, that ardent english patriot and loyalist, benjamin disraeli, being by the grace of god and the late earl of derby prime minister of this realm, has proposed that parliament shall enable her most gracious majesty to assume the additional title of empress of india, and parliament has so far humbly assented. being sore pressed by many cantankerous persons to give valid reasons for this change, he has given reasons many and weighty; such as the earnest desire of the princes and people of india, which desire has been so abundantly expressed that the expressions thereof cannot be produced lest they should overwhelm parliament and destroy the balance of the world in general; then the imposing authority of “whitaker’s almanack,” a dissenting minister and a school-girl aged twelve: and lastly the necessity of such a title for scaring all the russias from india. but i believe that in deference to the well-known modesty of her most gracious majesty he has not produced the most cogent reason of all, which is that for her wonderful and continual goodness during the past fourteen years in abstaining from the active functions of royalty, thus not only doing no mischief but preparing us for a republic de jure by habituating us to a republic de facto, she merits a great reward; and that, as she has already more money than she knows what to do with, this reward of royal virtue can most fittingly be rendered by her grateful subjects promoting her to the rank of empress. and it should be noted that whereas the old title of queen has a certain strength and stability in the habitudes if not in the affections of the people, the new fangled title of empress has no such support, so that in assuming it our beloved monarch is but working consistently and resolutely toward the great end of her reign, the speedy abolition of monarchy and establishment of a republic.