six months had elapsed since the first chest of the cargo of useful knowledge destined for the fortunate maldives had been digested by the recluse popanilla; for a recluse he had now become. great students are rather dull companions. our fantaisian friend, during his first studies, was as moody, absent, and querulous as are most men of genius during that mystical period of life. he was consequently avoided by the men and quizzed by the women, and consoled himself for the neglect of the first and the taunts of the second by the indefinite sensation that he should, some day or other, turn out that little being called a great man. as for his mistress, she considered herself insulted by being addressed by a man who had lost her lock of hair. when the chest was exhausted popanilla was seized with a profound melancholy. nothing depresses a man’s spirits more completely than a self-conviction of self-conceit; and popanilla, who had been accustomed to consider himself and his companions as the most elegant portion of the visible creation, now discovered, with dismay, that he and his fellow-islanders were nothing more than a horde of useless savages.

this mortification, however, was soon succeeded by a proud consciousness that he, at any rate, was now civilised; and that proud consciousness by a fond hope that in a short time he might become a civiliser. like all projectors, he was not of a sanguine temperament; but he did trust that in the course of another season the isle of fantaisie might take its station among the nations. he was determined, however, not to be too rapid. it cannot be expected that ancient prejudices can in a moment be eradicated, and new modes of conduct instantaneously substituted and established. popanilla, like a wise man, determined to conciliate. his views were to be as liberal, as his principles were enlightened. men should be forced to do nothing. bigotry, and intolerance, and persecution were the objects of his decided disapprobation; resembling, in this particular, all the great and good men who have ever existed, who have invariably maintained this opinion so long as they have been in the minority.

popanilla appeared once more in the world.

‘dear me! is that you, pop?’ exclaimed the ladies. ‘what have you been doing with yourself all this time? travelling, i suppose. every one travels now. really you travelled men get quite bores. and where did you get that coat, if it be a coat?’

such was the style in which the fantaisian females saluted the long absent popanilla; and really, when a man shuts himself up from the world for a considerable time, and fancies that in condescending to re-enter it he has surely the right to expect the homage due to a superior being, these salutations are awkward. the ladies of england peculiarly excel in this species of annihilation; and while they continue to drown puppies, as they daily do, in a sea of sarcasm, i think no true englishman will hesitate one moment in giving them the preference for tact and manner over all the vivacious french, all the self-possessing italian, and all the tolerant german women. this is a claptrap, and i have no doubt will sell the book.

popanilla, however, had not re-entered society with the intention of subsiding into a nonentity; and he therefore took the opportunity, a few minutes after sunset, just as his companions were falling into the dance, to beg the favour of being allowed to address his sovereign only for one single moment.

‘sire!’ said he, in that mild tone of subdued superciliousness with which we should always address kings, and which, while it vindicates our dignity, satisfactorily proves that we are above the vulgar passion of envy, ‘sire!’ but let us not encourage that fatal faculty of oratory so dangerous to free states, and therefore let us give only the ‘substance of popanilla’s speech.’ * he commenced his address in a manner somewhat resembling the initial observations of those pleasing pamphlets which are the fashion of the present hour; and which, being intended to diffuse information among those who have not enjoyed the opportunity and advantages of study, and are consequently of a gay and cheerful disposition, treat of light subjects in a light and polished style. popanilla, therefore, spoke of man in a savage state, the origin of society, and the elements of the social compact, in sentences which would not have disgraced the mellifluous pen of bentham. from these he naturally digressed into an agreeable disquisition on the anglo-saxons; and, after a little badinage on the bill of rights, flew off to an airy aper u of the french revolution. when he had arrived at the isle of fantaisie he begged to inform his majesty that man was born for something else besides enjoying himself. it was, doubtless, extremely pleasant to dance and sing, to crown themselves with chaplets, and to drink wine; but he was ‘free to confess’ that he did not imagine that the most barefaced hireling of corruption could for a moment presume to maintain that there was any utility in pleasure. if there were no utility in pleasure, it was quite clear that pleasure could profit no one. if, therefore, it were unprofitable, it was injurious; because that which does not produce a profit is equivalent to a loss; therefore pleasure is a losing business; consequently pleasure is not pleasant.

* substance of a speech, in parliamentary language, means a printed

edition of an harangue which contains all that was uttered in the

house, and about as much again.

he also showed that man was not born for himself, but for society; that the interests of the body are alone to be considered, and not those of the individual; and that a nation might be extremely happy, extremely powerful, and extremely rich, although every individual member of it might at the same time be miserable, dependent, and in debt. he regretted to observe that no one in the island seemed in the slightest decree conscious of the object of his being. man is created for a purpose; the object of his existence is to perfect himself. man is imperfect by nature, because if nature had made him perfect he would have had no wants; and it is only by supplying his wants that utility can be developed. the development of utility is therefore the object of our being, and the attainment of this great end the cause of our existence. this principle clears all doubts, and rationally accounts for a state of existence which has puzzled many pseudo-philosophers.

popanilla then went on to show that the hitherto received definitions of man were all erroneous; that man is neither a walking animal, nor a talking animal, nor a cooking animal, nor a lounging animal, nor a debt-incurring, animal, nor a tax-paying animal, nor a printing animal, nor a puffing animal, but a developing animal. development is the discovery of utility. by developing the water we get fish; by developing the earth we get corn, and cash, and cotton; by developing the air we get breath; by developing the fire we get heat. thus, the use of the elements is demonstrated to the meanest capacity. but it was not merely a material development to which he alluded; a moral development was equally indispensable. he showed that it was impossible for a nation either to think too much or to do too much. the life of man was therefore to be passed in a moral and material development until he had consummated his perfection. it was the opinion of popanilla that this great result was by no means so near at hand as some philosophers flattered themselves; and that it might possibly require another half-century before even the most civilised nation could be said to have completed the destiny of the human race. at the same time, he intimated that there were various extraordinary means by which this rather desirable result might be facilitated; and there was no saying what the building of a new university might do, of which, when built, he had no objection to be appointed principal.

in answer to those who affect to admire that deficient system of existence which they style simplicity of manners, and who are perpetually committing the blunder of supposing that every advance towards perfection only withdraws man further from his primitive and proper condition, popanilla triumphantly demonstrated that no such order as that which they associated with the phrase ‘state of nature’ ever existed. ‘man,’ said he, ‘is called the masterpiece of nature; and man is also, as we all know, the most curious of machines; now, a machine is a work of art, consequently, the masterpiece of nature is the masterpiece of art. the object of all mechanism is the attainment of utility; the object of man, who is the most perfect machine, is utility in the highest degree. can we believe, therefore, that this machine was ever intended for a state which never could have called forth its powers, a state in which no utility could ever have been attained, a state in which there are no wants; consequently, no demand; consequently, no supply; consequently, no competition; consequently, no invention; consequently, no profits; only one great pernicious monopoly of comfort and ease? society without wants is like a world without winds. it is quite clear, therefore, that there is no such thing as nature; nature is art, or art is nature; that which is most useful is most natural, because utility is the test of nature; therefore a steam-engine is in fact a much more natural production than a mountain.*

* the age seems as anti-mountainous as it is anti-monarchical.

a late writer insinuates that if the english had spent their

millions in levelling the andes, instead of excavating the

table-lands, society might have been benefited. these

monstrosities are decidedly useless, and therefore can neither

be sublime nor beautiful, as has been unanswerably demonstrated

by another recent writer on political aesthetics—see also a

personal attack on mont blanc, in the second number of the

foreign quarterly review, 1828.

‘you are convinced, therefore,’ he continued, ‘by these observations, that it is impossible for an individual or a nation to be too artificial in their manners, their ideas, their laws, or their general policy; because, in fact, the more artificial you become the nearer you approach that state of nature of which you are so perpetually talking.’ here observing that some of his audience appeared to be a little sceptical, perhaps only surprised, he told them that what he said must be true, because it entirely consisted of first principles. *

* first principles are the ingredients of positive truth. they

are immutable, as may be seen by comparing the first principles

of the eighteenth century with the first principles of the

nineteenth.

after having thus preliminarily descanted for about two hours, popanilla informed his majesty that he was unused to public speaking, and then proceeded to show that the grand characteristic of the social action * of the isle of fantaisie was a total want of development. this he observed with equal sorrow and surprise; he respected the wisdom of their ancestors; at the same time, no one could deny that they were both barbarous and ignorant; he highly esteemed also the constitution, but regretted that it was not in the slightest degree adapted to the existing want of society: he was not for destroying any establishments, but, on the contrary, was for courteously affording them the opportunity of self-dissolution. he finished by re-urging, in strong terms, the immediate development of the island. in the first place, a great metropolis must be instantly built, because a great metropolis always produces a great demand; and, moreover, popanilla had some legal doubts whether a country without a capital could in fact be considered a state. apologising for having so long trespassed upon the attention of the assembly, he begged distinctly to state ** that he had no wish to see his majesty and his fellow-subjects adopt these new principles without examination and without experience. they might commence on a small scale; let them cut down their forests, and by turning them into ships and houses discover the utility of timber; let the whole island be dug up; let canals be cut, docks be built, and all the elephants be killed directly, that their teeth might yield an immediate article for exportation. a short time would afford a sufficient trial. in the meanwhile, they would not be pledged to further measures, and these might be considered only as an experiment. *** taking for granted that these principles would be acted on, and taking into consideration the site of the island in the map of the world, the nature and extent of its resources, its magnificent race of human beings, its varieties of the animal creation, its wonderfully fine timber, its undeveloped mineral treasures, the spaciousness of its harbours, and its various facilities for extended international communication, popanilla had no hesitation in saying that a short time could not elapse ere, instead of passing their lives in a state of unprofitable ease and useless enjoyment, they might reasonably expect to be the terror and astonishment of the universe, and to be able to annoy every nation of any consequence.

* this simple and definite phrase we derive from the nation to

whom we were indebted during the last century for some other

phrases about as definite, but rather more dangerous.

** another phrase of parliament, which, i need not observe, is

always made use of in oratory when the orator can see his

meaning about as distinctly as sancho perceived the charms

of dulcinea.

*** a very famous and convenient phrase this—but in politics

experiments mean revolutions. 1828.

here, observing a smile upon his majesty’s countenance, popanilla told the king that he was only a chief magistrate, and he had no more right to laugh at him than a parish constable. he concluded by observing that although what he at present urged might appear strange, nevertheless, if the listeners had been acquainted with the characters and cases of galileo and turgot, they would then have seen, as a necessary consequence, that his system was perfectly correct, and he himself a man of extraordinary merit.

here the chief magistrate, no longer daring to smile, burst into a fit of laughter; and turning to his courtiers said, ‘i have not an idea what this man is talking about, but i know that he makes my head ache: give me a cup of wine, and let us have a dance.’

all applauded the royal proposition; and pushing popanilla from one to another, until he was fairly hustled to the brink of the lagoon, they soon forgot the existence of this bore: in one word, he was cut. when popanilla found himself standing alone, and looking grave while all the rest were gay, he began to suspect that he was not so influential a personage as he previously imagined. rather crest-fallen, he sneaked home; and consoled himself for having nobody to speak to by reading some amusing ‘conversations on political economy.’