it would be an exaggeration to say that i did not sleep that night. children often sleep very heavily when they are specially unhappy, and i was unhappy enough, even before harriet's telling me what she had heard. but though i did sleep, i shall never forget that night. my dreams were so miserable, and when i awoke—very early in the morning—i could scarcely separate them from real things. it was actually not so bad when i was quite awake, for then i set myself thoroughly to think it all over.
i could not bear it—i could not go on without knowing if it was true about father and mamma. i could not bear my life at school, if the looking forward to being with them again, before very long, was to be taken from me. i must write a letter to mamma that no one would see; but first—yes, first i must know how much was true. whom could[pg 132] i ask? haddie? perhaps he knew no more than i did, and it was just as difficult to write to him as to mamma. then suddenly another thought struck me—mrs. selwood, old mrs. selwood, if i could but see her. perhaps if i wrote to her she would come to see me; mamma always said she was very kind, though i know she did not care much for children, especially little girls. still i thought i would try, though it would be difficult, for i should not like miss ledbury to know i had written to mrs. selwood secretly. she would be so angry, and i did not want to make miss ledbury angry. she was much nicer than the others. once or twice the idea came to me of going straight to her and telling her how miserable i was, but that would bring in harriet, and oh, how furious the other governesses would be! no, i would try to write to mrs. selwood—only, i did not know her address. i only knew the name of her house—fernley—that would not be enough, at least i feared not. i would try to find out; perhaps harriet could ask some one when she went home.
my spirits rose a little with all this planning. i am afraid that the life i led was beginning to make[pg 133] me unchildlike and concealed in my ways. i enjoyed the feeling of having a secret and, so to say, outwitting my teachers, particularly miss broom. so, though i was looking pale and my eyes were still very swollen, i think harriet was surprised, and certainly very glad, to find that i was not very miserable or upset.
a message was sent up to say i was to go down to breakfast with the others. and after prayers and breakfast were over i went into the schoolroom as usual.
that morning did not pass badly; it happened to be a day for lessons i got on well with—written ones principally, and reading aloud. so i got into no fresh disgrace. it was a very rainy day, there was no question of going out, and i was sent to practise at twelve o'clock till the dressing-bell rang for the early dinner. that was to keep me away from the other girls.
as soon as dinner was over miss broom came to me with a french poetry book in her hand.
"this is the poem you should have learnt yesterday," she said, "though you denied having been told so. miss aspinall desires you to take it upstairs to your room and learn it, as you can do perfectly,[pg 134] if you choose, by three o'clock. then you are to come downstairs to the drawing-room, where you will find her."
"very well," i said, as i took the book, "i will learn it."
they were going to let me off rather easily, i thought, and possibly, just possibly, if miss ledbury was in the drawing-room too and seemed kind, i might ask her to give me leave to write to mrs. selwood just to say how very much i would like to see her, and then if i did see her i could tell her what harriet had said, without risking getting harriet into trouble.
so i set to work at my french poetry with good will, and long before three o'clock i had learnt it perfectly. there was a clock on the landing half-way down the staircase which struck the quarters and half-hours. i heard the quarter to three strike and then i read the poem right through six times, and after that, closing the book, i said it aloud to myself without one mistake, and then just as the clock began "burr-ing" before striking the hour i made my way quietly down to the drawing-room.
i tapped at the door.
[pg 135]
"come in," said miss aspinall.
she was standing beside miss ledbury, who was sitting in an arm-chair near the fire. she looked very pale, her face nearly as white as her hair, and it made me feel sorry, so that i stared at her and forgot to curtsey as we always were expected to do on entering a room where any of the governesses were.
"do you not see miss ledbury?" said miss aspinall sharply. i felt my cheeks get red, and i turned back towards the door to make my curtsey.
"i—i forgot," i said, and before miss aspinall had time to speak again, the old lady held out her hand.
"you must try to be more thoughtful," she said, but her voice was gentle. "now give me your book," she went on, "i want to hear your french verses myself."
i handed her the book, which was open at the place. i felt very glad i had learnt the poetry so well, as i wished to please miss ledbury.
"begin, my dear," she said.
i did so, repeating the six or eight verses without any mistake or hesitation.
[pg 136]
miss ledbury seemed pleased and relieved.
"very well said—now, my dear child, that shows that you can learn well when you try."
"of course she can," said miss aspinall.
"but more important than learning your lessons well," continued miss ledbury, "is to be perfectly truthful and honest. what has distressed me, geraldine, has been to hear that when—as may happen to any child—you have forgotten a lesson, or learnt it imperfectly, instead of at once owning your fault, you have tried to screen yourself behind insincere excuses. that was the case about these very verses, was it not, miss aspinall?" (miss ledbury always called her niece "miss aspinall" before any of us.)
"it was," replied miss aspinall. "miss broom will tell you all the particulars," and as she spoke miss broom came in.
miss ledbury turned to her.
"i wish you to state exactly what you have had to complain of in geraldine le marchant," she said. and miss broom, with a far from amiable expression, repeated the whole—my carelessness and ill-prepared lessons for some time past, the frequent excuses i made, saying that she had not told me what she certainly had told me, my forgetting my[pg 137] french poetry altogether, and persisting in denying that it had been given out.
i did not hear clearly all she said, but she raised her voice at the end, and i caught her last words. i felt again a sort of fury at her, and i gave up all idea of confiding in miss ledbury, or of trying to please any one.
miss ledbury seemed nervous.
"geraldine has said her french poetry perfectly," she said. "i think she has taken pains to learn it well."
"it is some time since she has said any lesson perfectly to me, i am sorry to say," snapped miss broom.
miss ledbury handed her the book.
"you can judge for yourself," she said. "repeat the verses to miss broom, geraldine."
then a strange thing happened. i really wanted to say the poetry well, partly out of pride, partly because again something in miss ledbury's manner made me feel gentler, but as i opened my mouth to begin, the words entirely left my memory. i looked up—possibly a little help, a syllable just to start me, would have set me right, but instead of that i saw miss broom's half-mocking, half-angry face, and miss aspinall's cold hard eyes. miss ledbury i did[pg 138] not look at. in reality i think both she and miss aspinall were afraid of miss broom. i do not think miss aspinall was as hard as she seemed.
i drew a long breath—no, it was no use. i could not recall one word.
"i've forgotten it," i said.
miss aspinall gave an exclamation—miss ledbury looked at me with reproach. both believed that i was not speaking the truth, and that i had determined not to say the verses to miss broom.
"impossible," said miss aspinall.
"geraldine," said miss ledbury sadly but sternly, "do not make me distrust you."
i grew stony. now i did not care. even miss ledbury doubted my word. i almost think if the verses had come back to me then, i would not have said them. i stood there, dull and stupid and obstinate, though a perfect fire was raging inside me.
"geraldine," said miss ledbury again, still more sadly and sternly.
i was only a child, and i was almost exhausted by all i had gone through. even my pride gave way. i forgot all that emma and harriet had said about not crying, and, half turning away from the three before me, i burst into a loud fit of tears and sobbing.
[pg 139]
miss ledbury glanced at her niece. i think the old lady had hard work to keep herself from some impulsive kind action, but i suppose she would have thought it wrong. but miss aspinall came towards me, and placed her arm on my shoulders.
"geraldine," she said, and her voice was not unkind, "i beg you to try to master this naughty obstinate spirit. say the verses again, and all may be well."
"no, no," i cried. "i can't, i can't. it is true that i've forgotten them, and if i could say them i wouldn't now, because you all think me a story-teller."
she turned away, really grieved and shocked.
"take her upstairs to her room again," said miss ledbury. "geraldine, your tears are only those of anger and temper."
i did not care now. i suffered myself to be led back to my room, and i left off crying almost as suddenly as i had begun, and when miss aspinall shut the door, and left me there without speaking to me again, i sat down on the foot of my bed as if i did not care at all, for again there came over me that strange stolid feeling that nothing mattered, that nothing would ever make me cry again.
[pg 140]
it did not last long, however. i got up in a few minutes and looked out of the window. it was the dullest afternoon i had ever seen, raining, raining steadily, the sky all gloomy no-colour, duller even than gray. it might have been any season, late autumn, mid-winter; there was not a leaf, or the tiniest beginning of one, on the black branches of the two or three trees in what was called "the garden"—for my window looked to the back of the house—not the very least feeling of spring, even though we were some way on in april. i gave a little shiver, and then a sudden thought struck me. it would be a very good time for getting out without any one seeing me—no one would fancy it possible that i would venture out in the rain, and all my schoolfellows and the governesses were still at lessons. what was the use of waiting here? they might keep me shut up in my room for—for ever, perhaps—and i should never know about father and mamma, or get mrs. selwood's address or be allowed to write to her, or—or any one. i would go.
it took but a few minutes to put on my things. as i have said, there was a queer mixture of childishness and "old-fashionedness," as it is called, about me. i dressed myself as sensibly as if i had been a grown-up person, choosing my thickest boots and warm jacket, and arming myself with my waterproof cape and umbrella. i also put my purse in my pocket—it contained a few shillings.
then i opened the door and listened, going out a little way into the passage to do so. all was quite quiet—not even a piano was to be heard, only the clock on the landing sounded to me much louder than usual. if i had waited long, it would have made me nervous. i should have begun to fancy it was talking to me like dick whittington's bells, though, i am sure, it would not have said anything half so cheering!
i crept downstairs, past one schoolroom with its closed door.
but i did not wait to hear. i crept downstairs, past one schoolroom with its closed door, and a muffled sound of voices as i drew quite close to it, then on again, past the downstairs class-room, and along the hall to the front door. for that was what i had made up my mind was the best, bold as it seemed. i would go right out by the front door. i knew it opened easily, for we went out that way on sundays to church, and once or twice i had opened it. and nobody would ever dream of my passing out that way.
it was all managed quite easily, and almost before[pg 141]
[pg 142] i had time to take in what i had done, i found myself out in the road some little distance from green bank, for as soon as the gate closed behind me i had set off running from a half-nervous fear that some one might be coming in pursuit of me. i ran on a little farther, in the same direction, that of the town, for miss ledbury's house was in the outskirts—then, out of breath, i stood still to think what i should do.
i had really not made any distinct plan. the only idea clearly in my mind was to get mrs. selwood's address, so that i could write to her. but as i stood there, another thought struck me. i would go home—to the house in the dull street which had never seemed dull to me! for there, i suddenly remembered, i might find one of our own servants. i recollected lydia's telling me that cook was probably going to "engage" with the people who had taken the house. and cook would be sure to know mrs. selwood's address, and—perhaps—cook would be able to tell me something about father and mamma. she was a kind woman—i would not mind telling her how dreadfully frightened i was about them since harriet smith had repeated what she had heard.
[pg 143]
i knew the way to our house, at least i thought i did, though afterwards i found i had taken two or three wrong turnings, which had made my journey longer. it was scarcely raining by this time, but the streets were dreadfully wet and muddy, and the sky still dark and gloomy.
at last i found myself at the well-known corner of our street—how often i had run round it with haddie, when we had been allowed to go on some little errand by ourselves! i had not passed this way since mamma went, and the feeling that came over me was very strange. i went along till i came to our house, number 39; then, in a sort of dream, i mounted the two or three steps to the door, and rang the bell. how well i knew its sound! it seemed impossible to believe that lydia would not open to me, and that if i hurried upstairs i should not find mamma sitting in her usual place in the drawing-room!
but of course it was not so. a strange face met me as the door drew back, and for a moment or two i felt too confused to speak, though i saw the servant was looking at me in surprise.
"is—can i see cook?" i got out at last.
"cook," the maid repeated. "i'm sure i can't[pg 144] say. can't you give me your message—miss?" adding the last word after a little hesitation.
"i'd rather see her, please. i want to ask her for mrs. selwood's address. mrs. selwood's a friend of mamma's, and i'm sure cook would know. we used to live here, and lydia said cook was going to stay."
the servant's face cleared, but her reply was not encouraging.
"oh," she said, "i see. but it's no use your seeing our cook, miss. she's a stranger. the other one—sarah wells was her name——"
"yes, yes," i exclaimed, "that's her."
"she's gone—weeks ago. her father was ill, and she had to go home. i'm sorry, miss"—she was a good-natured girl—"but it can't be helped. and i think you'd better go home quick. it's coming on to rain again, and it'll soon be dark, and you're such a little young lady to be out alone."
"thank you," i said, and i turned away, my heart swelling with disappointment.
i walked on quickly for a little way, for i felt sure the servant was looking after me. then i stopped short and asked myself again "what should i do?" the girl had advised me to go "home"—"home" to green bank, to be shut up in my room again, and be[pg 145] treated as a story-teller, and never have a chance of writing to mrs. selwood or any one! no, that i would not do. the very thought of it made me hasten my steps as if to put a greater distance between myself and miss ledbury's house. and i walked on some way without knowing where i was going except that it was in an opposite direction from school.
it must have been nearly six o'clock by this time, and the gloomy day made it already dusk. the shops were lighting up, and the glare of the gas on the wet pavement made me look about me. i was in one of the larger streets now, a very long one, that led right out from the centre of the town to the outskirts. i was full of a strange kind of excitement; i did not mind the rain, and indeed it was not very heavy; i did not feel lonely or frightened, and my brain seemed unusually active and awake.
"i know what i'll do," i said to myself; "i'll go to the big grocer's where they give haddie and me those nice gingerbreads, and i'll ask them for mrs. selwood's address. i remember mamma said mrs. selwood always bought things there. and—and—i won't write to her. i'll go to the railway and see if i've money enough to get a ticket, and i'll go to[pg 146] mrs. selwood and tell her how i can't bear it any longer. i've got four shillings, and if that isn't enough i daresay the railway people wouldn't mind if i promised i'd send it them."
i marched on, feeling once more very determined and valiant. i thought i knew the way to the big grocer's quite well, but when i turned down a street which looked like the one where it was, i began to feel a little confused. there were so many shops, and the lights in the windows dazzled me, and worst of all, i could not remember the name of the grocer's. it was something like simpson, but not simpson. i went on, turning again more than once, always in hopes of seeing it before me, but always disappointed. and i was beginning to feel very tired; i must, i suppose, have been really tired all the time, but my excitement had kept me up.
at last i found myself in a much darker street than the others. for there were few shops in it, and most of the houses were offices of some kind. it was a wide street and rather hilly. as i stood at the top i saw it sloping down before me; the light of the tall lamps glimmered brokenly in the puddles, for it was raining again more heavily now. suddenly, as if in a dream, some words came back to[pg 147] me, so clearly that i could almost have believed some one was speaking. it was mamma's voice.
"you had better put on your mackintosh, haddie," i seemed to hear her say, and then i remembered it all—it came before me like a picture—that rainy evening not many months ago when mamma and haddie and i had walked home so happily, we two tugging at her arms, one on each side, heedless of the rain or the darkness, or anything except that we were all together.
i stood still. never, i think, was a child's heart more nearly breaking.
