i came here because russia had grown intolerable to me. all my life, and during the lives of my parents, we quarriars had been innkeepers, and thereby earned our bread. but russia took away our livelihood for herself, and created a monopoly. thus we were left destitute. so what could i do with a large family? of london and america i had long heard as places where they have compassion on foreigners. they are [9]not countries like russia, where truth exists not. secondly, my children also worried me greatly. they are females, all the five, and a female in russia, however beautiful, good and clever she be, if she have no dowry, has to accept any offer of marriage, however uncongenial the man may be. these things conspired to drive me from russia. so i turned everything into money, and realized three hundred and fifty roubles. people had told me that the whole journey to london should cost us two hundred roubles, so i concluded i should have one hundred and fifty roubles with which to begin life in the new country. it was very bitter to me to leave my fatherland, but as the moujik says: 'necessity brings everything.' so we parted from our friends with many tears: little had we thought we should be so broken up in our old age. but what else could i do in such a wretched country? as the moujik says: 'if the goat doesn't want to go to market it is compelled to go.' so i started for london. we travelled to isota on the austrian frontier. as we sat at the railway-station there, wondering how we were going to smuggle ourselves across the frontier, in came a benevolent-looking jew with a long venerable beard, two very long ear-locks, and a girdle round his waist, washed his hands ostentatiously at the station tap, prayed aloud the asher yotzer with great fervour, and on finishing his prayer looked everyone expectantly in the eyes, and all responded 'amen.' then he drew up his coat-sleeve with great deliberation, extended his hand, gave me an effusive 'shalom aleichem' and asked me how it went with me. soon he began to talk about the frontier. said he: 'as you see me, an ish kosher (a ritually correct man), i will do you a [10]kindness, not for money, but for the sake of the mitzvah (good deed).' i began to smell a rat, and thought to myself, how comes it that you know i want the frontier? your kindness is suspicious, for, as the moujik says: 'the devil has guests.' but if we need the thief, we cut him down even from the gallows.

such a necessary rascal proved elzas kazelia. i asked him how much he wanted to smuggle me across. he answered thus: 'i see that you are a clever respectable man, so look upon my beard and ear-locks, and you will understand that you will receive fair treatment from me. i want to earn a mitzvah (good deed) and a little money thereby.'

then he cautioned me not to leave the station and go out into the street, because in the street were to be found jews without beards, who would inform on me and give me up to the police. 'the world does not contain a sea of kazelias,' said he. (would that it did not contain even that one!)

then he continued: 'shake out your money on the table, and we will see how much you have, and i will change it for you.'

'oh,' said i, 'i want first to find out the rate of exchange.'

when kazelia heard this, he gave a great spring and shrieked 'hoi, hoi! on account of jews like you, the messhiach (messiah) can't come, and the redemption of israel is delayed. if you go out into the street, you will find a jew without a beard, who will charge you more, and even take all your money away. i swear to you, as i should wish to see messhiach ben david, that i want to earn no money. i only desire your good, and so to lay up a little mitzvah in heaven.'

[11]thereupon i changed my money with him. afterwards i found that he had swindled me to the extent of fifteen roubles. elzas kazelia is like to the russian forest robber, who waylays even the peasant.

we began to talk further about the frontier. he wanted eighty roubles, and swore by his kosher yiddishkeit (ritually pure judaism) that the affair would cost him seventy-five.

thereupon i became sorely troubled, because i had understood it would only cost us twenty roubles for all of us, and so i told him. said he: 'if you seek others with short beards, they will take twice as much from you.' but i went out into the street to seek a second murderer. the second promised to do it cheaper, said that kazelia was a robber, and promised to meet me at the railway station.

immediately i left, elzas kazelia, the kosher jew, went to the police, and informed them that i and my family were running away from russia, and were going to london; and we were at once arrested, and thrown bag and baggage into a filthy cell, lighted only by an iron grating in the door. no food or drink was allowed us, as though we were the greatest criminals. such is russian humanity, to starve innocent people. the little provender we had in a bag scarcely kept us from fainting with hunger. on the second day kazelia sent two jews with beards. suddenly i heard the door unlock, and they appeared saying: 'we have come to do you a favour, but not for nothing. if your life and the lives of your family are dear to you, we advise you to give the police seventy roubles, and we want ten roubles for our kindness, and you must employ kazelia to take you over the frontier for eighty roubles, [12]otherwise the police will not be bribed. if you refuse, you are lost.'

well, how could i answer? how could one give away the last kopeck and arrive penniless in a strange land? every rouble taken from us was like a piece of our life. so my people and i began to weep and to beg for pity. 'have compassion,' we cried. answered they: 'in a frontier town compassion dwells not. give money. that will bring compassion.' and they slammed the door, and we were locked in once more. tears and cries helped nothing. my children wept agonizedly. oh, truth, truth! russia, russia! how scurvily you handle the guiltless! for an enlightened land to be thus!

'father, father,' the children said, 'give away everything so that we die not in this cell of fear and hunger.'

but even had i wished, i could do nothing from behind barred doors. our shouting was useless. at last i attracted a warder who was watching in the corridor. 'bring me a jew,' i cried; 'i wish to tell him of our plight.' and he answered: 'hold your peace if you don't want your teeth knocked out. recognise that you are a prisoner. you know well what is required of you.'

yes, i thought, my money or my life.

on the third day our sufferings became almost insupportable, and the russian cold seized on our bodies, and our strength began to fail. we looked upon the cell as our tomb, and on kazelia as the angel of death. here, it seemed, we were to die of hunger. we lost hope of seeing the sun. for well we know russia. who seeks truth finds death more easily. as the [13]russian proverb says, 'if you want to know truth, you will know death.'

at length the warder seemed to take pity on our cries, and brought again the two jews. 'for the last time we tell you. give us money, and we will do you a kindness. we have been seized with compassion for your family.'

so i said no more, but gave them all they asked, and elzas kazelia came and said to me rebukingly: 'it is a characteristic of the jew never to part with his money unless chastised.' i said to elzas kazelia: 'i thought you were an honourable, pious jew. how could you treat a poor family so?'

he answered me: 'an honourable, pious jew must also make a little money.'

thereupon he conducted us from the prison, and sent for a conveyance. no sooner had we seated ourselves than he demanded six roubles. well, what could i do? i had fallen among thieves, and must part with my money. we drove to a small room, and remained there two hours, for which we had to pay three roubles, as the preparations for our crossing were apparently incomplete. when we finally got to the frontier—in this case a shallow river—they warned us not even to sneeze, for if the soldiers heard we should be shot without more ado. i had to strip in order to wade through the water, and several men carried over my family. my two bundles, with all my belongings, consisting of clothes and household treasures, remained, however, on the russian side. suddenly a wild disorder arose. 'the soldiers! the soldiers! hide! hide! in the bushes! in the bushes!'

when all was still again—though no soldiers became [14]visible—the men went back for the baggage, but brought back only one bundle. the other, worth over a hundred roubles, had disappeared. wailing helped nothing. kazelia said: 'hold your peace. here, too, dangers lurk.'

i understood the game, but felt completely helpless in his hands. he drove us to his house, and our remaining bundle was deposited there. later, when i walked into the town, i went to the rabbi and complained. said he: 'what can i do with such murderers? you must reconcile yourself to the loss.'

i went back to my family at kazelia's house, and he cautioned me against going into the street. on my way i had met a man who said he would charge twenty-eight roubles each for our journey to london. so kazelia was evidently afraid i might yet fall into honester hands.

then we began to talk with him of london, for it is better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know. said he: 'it will cost you thirty-three roubles each.' i said: 'i have had an offer of twenty-eight roubles, but you i will give thirty.' 'hoi, hoi!' shrieked he. 'on a jew a lesson is lost. it is just as at the frontier: you wouldn't give eighty roubles, and it cost you double. you want the same again. one daren't do a jew a favour.'

so i held my peace, and accepted his terms. but i saw i should be twenty-five roubles short of what was required to finish the journey. said kazelia: 'i can do you a favour: i can borrow twenty-five roubles on your luggage at the railway, and when you get to london you can repay.' and he took the bundle, and conveyed it to the railway. what he did there i know [15]not. he came back, and told me he had done me a turn. (this time it seemed a good one.) he then took envelopes, and placed in each the amount i was to pay at each stage of the journey. so at last we took train and rode off. and at each place i paid the dues from its particular envelope. the children were offered food by our fellow-passengers, though they could only take it when it was kosher, and this enabled us to keep our pride. there was one kind jewess from lemberg with a heart of gold and delicious rings of sausages.

when we arrived at leipsic they told me the amount was twelve marks short. so we missed our train, not knowing what to do, as i had now no money whatever but what was in the envelopes. the officials ordered us from the station. so we went out and walked about leipsic; we attracted the suspicion of the police, and they wanted to arrest us. but we pleaded our innocence, and they let us go. so we retired into a narrow dark street, and sat down by a blank wall, and told each other not to murmur. we sat together through the whole rainy night, the rain mingling with our tears.

when day broke i thought of a plan. i took twelve marks from the envelope containing the ship's money, and ran back to the station, and took tickets to rotterdam, and so got to the end of our overland journey. when we got to the ship, they led us all into a shed like cattle. one of the kazelia conspirators—for his arm reaches over europe—called us into his office, and said: 'how much money have you?' i shook out the money from the envelopes on the table. said he: 'the amount is twelve marks short.' he had had advices, he said, from kazelia that i would bring a certain amount, and i didn't have it.

[16]'here you can stay to-night. to-morrow you go back.' so he played on my ignorance, for i was paying at every stage in excess of the legal fares. but i knew not what powers he had. every official was a possible disaster. we hardly lived till the day.

then i began to beg him to take my tallis and tephillin (praying-shawl and phylacteries) for the twelve marks. said he: 'i have no use for them; you must go back.' with difficulty i got his permission to go out into the town, and i took my tallis and tephillin, and went into a shool (synagogue), and i begged someone to buy them. but a good man came up, and would not permit the sale. he took out twelve marks and gave them to me. i begged him to give me his address that i might be able to repay him. said he: 'i desire neither thanks nor money.' thus was i able to replace the amount lacking.

we embarked without a bit of bread or a farthing in money. we arrived in london at nine o'clock in the morning, penniless and without luggage, whereas i had calculated to have at least one hundred and fifty roubles and my household stuff. i had a friend's address, and we all went to look for him, but found that he had left london for america. we walked about all day till eight o'clock at night. the children could scarcely drag along from hunger and weariness. at last we sat down on the steps of a house in wellclose square. i looked about, and saw a building which i took to be a shool (synagogue), as there were hebrew posters stuck outside. i approached it. an old jew with a long grey beard came to meet me, and began to speak with me. i understood soon what sort of a person he was, and turned away. this meshummad [17](converted jew) persisted, tempting me sorely with offers of food and drink for the family, and further help. i said: 'i want nothing of you, nor do i desire your acquaintance.'

'i went back to my family. the children sat crying for food. they attracted the attention of a man, baruch zezangski (25, ship alley), and he went away, returning with bread and fish. when the children saw this, they rejoiced exceedingly, and seized the man's hand to kiss it. meanwhile darkness fell, and there was nowhere to pass the night. so i begged the man to find me a lodging for the night. he led us to a cellar in ship alley. it was pitch black. they say there is a hell. this may or may not be, but more of a hell than the night we passed in this cellar one does not require. every vile thing in the world seemed to have taken up its abode therein. we sat the whole night sweeping the vermin from us. after a year of horror—as it seemed—came the dawn. in the morning entered the landlord, and demanded a shilling. i had not a farthing, but i had a leather bag which i gave him for the night's lodging. i begged him to let me a room in the house. so he let me a small back room upstairs, the size of a table, at three and sixpence a week. he relied on our collecting his rent from the kind-hearted.

we entered the empty room with joy, and sat down on the floor. we remained the whole day without bread. the children managed to get a crust now and again from other lodgers, but all day long they cried for food, and at night they cried because they had nothing to sleep on. i asked our landlord if he knew of any work we could do. he said he would see what could be done. next day he went out, and returned [18]with a heap of linen to be washed. the family set to work at once, but i am sure my wife washed the things less with water than with tears. oh, kazelia! we washed the whole week, the landlord each day bringing bread and washing. at the end of the week he said: 'you have worked out your rent, and have nothing to pay.' i should think not indeed!

my eldest daughter was fortunate enough to get a place at a tailor's for four shillings a week, and the others sought washing and scrubbing. so each day we had bread, and at the end of the week rent. bread and water alone formed our sustenance. but we were very grateful all the same. when the holidays came on, my daughter fell out of work. i heard a word 'slack.' i inquired, 'what is the meaning of the word "slack"?' then my daughter told me that it means schlecht (bad). there is nothing to be earned. now, what should i do? i had no means of living. the children cried for bread and something to sleep on. still we lived somehow till rosh hashanah (new year), hoping it would indeed be a new year.

it was erev yomtov (the day before the holiday), and no washing was to be had. we struggled as before death. the landlord of the house came in. he said to me: 'aren't you ashamed? can't you see your children have scarcely strength to live? why have you not compassion on your little ones? go to the charity board. there you will receive help.' believe me, i would rather have died. but the little ones were starving, and their cries wrung me. so i went to a charity board. i said, weeping: 'my children are perishing for a morsel of bread. i can no longer look upon their sufferings.' and the board answered: [19]'after yomtov we will send you back to russia.' 'but meanwhile,' i answered, 'the children want food.' whereupon one of the board struck a bell, and in came a stalwart angel of death, who seized me by the arm so that it ached all day, and thrust me through the door. i went out, my eyes blinded with tears, so that i could not see where i went. it was long before i found my way back to ship alley. my wife and daughters already thought i had drowned myself for trouble. such was our plight the eve of the day of atonement, and not a morsel of bread to 'take in' the fast with! but just at the worst a woman from next door came in, and engaged one of my daughters to look after a little child during the fast (while she was in the synagogue) at a wage of tenpence, paid in advance. with joy we expended it all on bread, and then we prayed that the day of atonement should endure long, so that we could fast long, and have no need to buy food; for as the moujik says, 'if one had no mouth, one could wear a golden coat.'

i went to the jews' free school, which was turned into a synagogue, and passed the whole day in tearful supplication. when i came home at night my wife sat and wept. i asked her why she wept. she answered: 'why have you led me to such a land, where even prayer costs money—at least, for women? the whole day i went from one shool to another, but they would not let me in. at last i went to the shool of the "sons of the soul," where pray the pious jews, with beards and ear-locks, and even there i was not allowed in. the heathen policeman begged for me, and said to them: "shame on you not to let the poor woman in." the gabbai (treasurer) answered: "if one hasn't money, [20]one sits at home."' and my wife said to him, weeping: 'my tears be on your head,' and went home, and remained home the whole day weeping. with a woman yom kippur is a wonder-working day. she thought that her prayers might be heard, that god would consider her plight if she wept out her heart to him in the shool. but she was frustrated, and this was perhaps the greatest blow of all to her. moreover, she was oppressed by her own brethren, and this was indeed bitter. if it had been the gentile, she would have consoled herself with the thought, 'we are in exile.' when the fast was over, we had nothing but a little bread left to break our fast on, or to prepare for the next day's fast. nevertheless we sorrowfully slept. but the wretched day came again, and the elder children went out into the street to seek parnosoh (employment), and found scrubbing, that brought in nine-pence. we bought bread, and continued to live further. likewise we obtained three shillings worth of washing to do, and were as rich as rothschild. when succoth (tabernacles) came, again no money, no bread, and i went about the streets the whole day to seek for work. when i was asked what handicraftsman i was, of course i had to say i had no trade, for, foolishly enough, among the jews in my part of russia a trade is held in contempt, and when they wish to hold one up to scorn, they say to him: 'anybody can see you are a descendant of a handicraftsman.'

i could write holy scrolls, indeed, and keep an inn, but what availed these accomplishments? as i found i could obtain no work, i went into the shool of the 'sons of the soul.' i seated myself next a man, and we began to speak. i told him of my plight. said he: [21]'i will give you advice. call on our rabbi. he is a very fine man.'

i did so. as i entered, he sat in company with another man, holding his lulov and esrog (palm and citron). 'what do you want?' i couldn't answer him, my heart was so oppressed, but suddenly my tears gushed forth. it seemed to me help was at hand. i felt assured of sympathy, if of nothing else. i told him we were perishing for want of bread, and asked him to give me advice. he answered nothing. he turned to the man, and spoke concerning the tabernacle and the citron. he took no further notice of me, but left me standing.

so i understood he was no better than elzas kazelia. and this is a rabbi! as i saw i might as well have talked to the wall, i left the room without a word from him. as the moujik would say: 'sad and bitter is the poor man's lot. it is better to lie in the dark tomb and not to see the sunlit world than to be a poor man and be compelled to beg for money.'

i came home, where my family was waiting patiently for my return with bread. i said: 'good yomtov,' weeping, for they looked scarcely alive, having been without a morsel of food that day.

so we tried to sleep, but hunger would not permit it, but demanded his due. 'hunger, you old fool, why don't you let us sleep?' but he refused to be talked over. so we passed the night. when day came the little children began to cry: 'father, let us go. we will beg bread in the streets. we die of hunger. don't hold us back.'

when the mother heard them speak of begging in the streets, she swooned, whereupon arose a great clamour [22]among the children. when at length we brought her to, she reproached us bitterly for restoring her to life. 'i would rather have died than hear you speak of begging in the streets—rather see my children die of hunger before my eyes.' this speech of the mother caused them to forget their hunger, and they sat and wept together. on hearing the weeping, a man from next door, gershon katcol, came in to see what was the matter. he looked around, and his heart went out to us. so he went away, and returned speedily with bread and fish and tea and sugar, and went away again, returning with five shillings. he said: 'this i lend you.' later he came back with a man, nathan beck, who inquired into our story, and took away the three little ones to stay with him. afterwards, when i called to see them in his house in st. george's road, they hid themselves from me, being afraid i should want them to return to endure again the pangs of hunger. it was bitter to think that a stranger should have the care of my children, and that they should shun me as one shuns a forest-robber.

after yomtov i went to grunbach, the shipping agent, to see whether my luggage had arrived, as i had understood from kazelia that it would get here in a month's time. i showed my pawn-ticket, and inquired concerning it. said he: 'your luggage won't come to london, only to rotterdam. if you like, i will write a letter to inquire if it is at rotterdam, and how much money is due to redeem it.' i told him i had borrowed twenty-five roubles on it. whereupon he calculated that it would cost me ￡4 6s., including freight to redeem it. but i told him to write and ask. some days later a letter came from rotterdam stating the cost [23]at eighty-three roubles (￡8 13s.), irrespective of freight dues. when i heard this, i was astounded, and i immediately wrote to kazelia: 'why do you behave like a forest-robber, giving me only twenty-five roubles where you got eighty-three?' answered he: 'shame on you to write such a letter! haven't you been in my house, and seen what an honourable jew i am? shame on you! to such men as you one can't do a favour. do you think there are a sea of kazelias in the world? you are all thick-headed. you can't read a letter. i only took fifty-four roubles on the luggage; i had to recoup myself because i lost money through sending you to london. i calculated my loss, and only took what was due to me.' i showed the letter to grunbach, and he wrote again to rotterdam, and they answered that they knew nothing of a kazelia. i must pay the ￡8 13s. if i wanted my bundle. well, what was to be done? the weather grew colder. hunger we had become inured to. but how could we pass the winter nights on the bare boards? i wrote again to kazelia, but received no answer whatever. day and night i went about asking advice concerning the luggage. nobody could help me.

and as i stood thus in the middle of the sea, word came to me of a landsmann (countryman) i had once helped to escape from the russian army, in the days when i was happy and had still my inn. they said he had a great business in jewellery on a great highroad in front of the sea in a great town called brighton. so i started off at once to talk to him—two days' journey, they said—for i knew he would help; and if not he, who? i would come to him as his sabbath guest; he would surely fall upon my neck. the first [24]night i slept in a barn with another tramp, who pointed me the way; but because i stopped to earn sixpence by chopping wood, lo! when sabbath came i was still twelve miles away, and durst not profane the sabbath by walking. so i lingered that friday night in a village, thanking god i had at least the money for a bed, though it was sinful even to touch my money. and all next day, i know not why, the street-boys called me a goy (heathen) and a fox—'goy-fox, goy-fox!'—and they let off fireworks in my face. so i had to wander in the woods around, keeping within the sabbath radius, and when the three stars appeared in the sky i started for brighton. but so footsore was i, i came there only at midnight, and could not search. and i sat down on a bench; it was very cold, but i was so tired. but the policeman came and drove me away—he was god's messenger, for i should perchance have died—and a drunken female with a painted face told him to let me be, and gave me a shilling. how could i refuse? i slept again in a bed. and on the sunday morning i started out, and walked all down in front of the sea; but my heart grew sick, for i saw the shops were shut. at last i saw a jewellery shop and my landsmann's name over it. it sparkled with gold and diamonds, and little bills were spread over it—'great sale! great sale!' then i went joyfully to the door, but lo! it was bolted. so i knocked and knocked, and at last a woman came from above, and told me he lived in that road in hove, where i found indeed my redeemer, but not my landsmann. it was a great house, with steps up and steps down. i went down to a great door, and there came out a beautiful heathen female with a shining white cap on her [25]head and a shining white apron, and she drove me away.

'goy-fox was yesterday,' she shouted with wrath and slammed the door on my heart; and i sat down on the pavement without, and i became a pillar of salt, all frozen tears. but when i looked up, i saw the angel of the lord.