as i write i feel inclined to throw the whole book in the fire. it seems a desecration to tell of these things. do i not seem to be exulting in the tragedy? should not he who feels deeply keep silent? sometimes i think so. and yet it is the truth, word for word the truth; so i must write it.
in the straw palace next morning davidson and i were sitting discussing last night, when the doctor looked in. he started talking about vermorel sprayers (the portable tins shaped like large oval milk-cans, filled with a solution useful for clearing dug-outs after a gas attack). one of these was damaged, and i had sent down a note to the m.o. about it.
“how’s robertson?” i asked at once.
“he died this morning, bill—three o’clock this morning.”
“good god,” i said.
“pretty ghastly, isn’t it? two officers like that in one night. the c.o. is awfully cut up about it.”
“robertson dead?” said davidson.
and so we talked for some minutes. the old 182 doctor was used to these things. he had seen so many officers fall out of line. but to us this was new, and we had not gauged it yet. you might have thought from his quiet jerky sentences that the doctor was almost callous. you would have been wrong.
“well, i must get on,” he said at last. “so long, bill. send that vermorel sprayer down, will you, and i’ll see to it, and you’ll have it back to-night, probably.”
“righto.” and the doctor and his orderly disappeared down the old kent road.
davidson and i talked alone.
“it must be pretty rotten being an m.o.,” he remarked.
then the “f.l.o.” came in. he is the “forward liaison officer,” an artillery officer who lives up with the infantry and facilitates co-operation between the two. at the same moment came a cheery scotch voice outside, and macfarlane, the “football” officer, looked in.
“come oot a’ that!” he cried. “sittin’ indoors on a fine mornin’.”
“come in,” we said.
but his will prevailed, and we all came out into the sunshine. i had not seen him since last night’s little show. now he was being relieved by another officer for six days, and i was anxious to know what sort of a man was his successor. but macfarlane did not know much about him yet. 183
“anyway,” said i, “if he’ll only fire like you, we don’t mind.”
“och!” grunted macfarlane. “what’s the use of havin’ a gun, and no firin’ it? so long as i get ma footballs up, i’ll plunk them over aw recht.”
“yes,” i added. “the boche doesn’t approve of your sort.”
for there were other sorts. there was the trench-mortar officer who was never to be found, but who left a sergeant with instructions not to fire without his orders; there was the trench-mortar officer who “could not fire except by brigade orders”; there was the trench-mortar officer who was “afraid of giving his position away”; there was the trench-mortar officer who “couldn’t get any ammunition up, you know; they won’t give it me; only too pleased to fire, if only ...”; there was the trench-mortar officer who started firing on his own, without consulting the company commander, just when you had a big working-party in the front trenches; and lastly there were trench-mortar officers like davidson and macfarlane.
“cheero, then,” we said, as macfarlane went off. “look us up. you know our billet? we’ll be out to-morrow.”
then we finished our consultation and divided off to our different jobs.
all that day i felt that there was in me something which by all rights should have “given”: these two deaths should have made me feel different: 184 and yet i was just the same. as i went round the trench, with davies at my heels, talking to platoon-sergeants, examining wire through my periscope, all in the ordinary way exactly as before, i forgot all about tommy and robertson. even when i came to the place where robertson had been hit, and saw the blood on the fire-step, and some scraps of cotton wool lying about, i looked at it as you might look at a smashed egg on the pavement, curiously, and then passed on. “am i indifferent to these things, then?” i asked myself. i had not realised yet that violent emotion very rarely comes close upon the heels of death, that there is a numbness, a blunting of the spirit, that is an anodyne to pain. i was ashamed of my indifference; yet i soon saw that it was no uncommon thing. besides, one had to “carry on” just the same. there was always a silence among the men, when a pal “goes west”; so now edwards and i did not talk much, except to discuss the ordinary routine.
i did not get much rest that day. in the afternoon came up a message from the adjutant that we were exploding a mine opposite the matterhorn at 6.30; our trench was to be cleared from 80 a to the bombing-post on the left of the loop inclusive. edwards and i were the only officers in the company, so while he arranged matters with the lewis-gun teams, i went off to see about getting the trench cleared. i had just sent off the “daily summary,” my copy of which is reproduced on 185 page 179. as i came back along 78 street, i met davidson again. he was looking for a new site for his gun, so as to be able to get a good fire to bear on the german lines opposite the matterhorn. i went with him, and together we found a place behind the big mine-dump to the left of 78 street, and close to one of our rifle-grenade batteries. as he went off to get his corporal and team to bring the gun over and fix it in position, he said something in a rather low voice.
“what?” i shouted. “couldn’t hear.”
he came back and repeated it.
“oh,” i said. “sorry. yes, all right. i expect i’ll hear from the adjutant. thanks.”
what he said was that there would be a funeral that night at nine o’clock. thompson and robertson were being buried together. he thought i would like to know.
it was close on half-past six, and getting dark. the trenches were cleared, and i was waiting at the head of two platoons that strung out along 78 street and behind the loop. rifles had been inspected; the men had the s.a.a. (small arms ammunition) and bomb boxes with them, ready to take back into the trench as soon as the mine had gone up. i looked at my watch.
“another minute,” i said.
then, as i spoke, the earth shook; there was a pause, and a great black cloud burst into the air, followed by a roar of flames. i got up on the fire-step 186 to see it better. it is a good show, a mine. there was the sound of falling earth, and then silence.
“come on,” i said, and we hurried back into the trench. weird and eerie it looked in the half-light; its emptiness might have been years old. it was undamaged, as we had expected; only there was loose earth scattered all over the parapet and fire-step.
then hell broke loose, a crashing, banging, flashing hell that concentrated on the german front line directly opposite. it seemed like stirring up an ant’s nest, and then spraying them with boiling water as they ran about in confusion!
“bang—bang—bang—bang—bang,” barked davidson’s gun.
“thud,” muttered the football-thrower.
“wheep! wee-oo, wee-oo, wee-oo,” went the rifle grenades. and all this splendid rain burst with a glorious splash just over the new crater. it was magnificent shooting, and half of us were up on the fire-step watching the fireworks.
then the boche retaliated, with canisters and whizz-bangs, and “heavies” for maple redoubt; and then our guns joined the concert. it was “hot shop” for half an hour, but at last it died down and there was a great calm. some of the men were in the trenches for the first time, and had not relished the proceedings overmuch! they were relieved to get the order “stand down!” 187
there were several things to be done, working-parties to be arranged, final instructions given to a patrol, lewis gunners to be detailed to rake the german parapet opposite the matterhorn all night. a platoon sergeant was worried about his sentries; he had not enough men, having had one or two casualties; and i had to lend him men from a more fortunate platoon. it was quite dark, and nearly half-past seven by the time i got back to trafalgar square. edwards had started dinner, as he was on trench duty at eight o’clock. the sergeant-major was on duty until then.
davidson looked in on his way down to maple redoubt.
“i say, your stokes were bursting top-hole. we had a splendid view.”
“they weren’t going short, were they?” he asked.
“no. just right. the fellows were awfully bucked with it.”
“oh, good. you can’t see a bit from where we are, and the corporal said he thought they were going short. but i’d worked out the range and was firing well over 120, so i carried on. i’m going down to have dinner with o’brien. i think we’ve done enough to-night.”
then i saw that he was tired out.
“rather a hot shop?” i asked.
“yes,” he said in his casual way. “they were all round us. well, cheero! i shan’t be up till 188 about ten, i expect, unless there’s anything wanted.”
“cheero!”
“it’s no joke firing that gun with the boche potting at you hard with canisters,” i said to edwards, as davidson’s footsteps died away.
“he’s the bravest fellow in the regiment,” said edwards, and we talked of the time when the gun burst in his face as he was firing it, and he told his men that it had been hit by a canister, to prevent their losing confidence in it. i saw him just afterwards: his face was bleeding. it was no joke being stokes officer; the germans hated those vicious snapping bolts that spat upon them “one, two, three, four, five,” and always concentrated their fire against his gun. but they had not got him.
“no, he’s inside,” i heard edwards saying. “bill. telephone message.”
the telephone orderly handed me a pink form. edwards was outside, just about to go on trench duty. it was eight. i went outside. it was bright moonlight again. grimly, i thought of last night.
“look here,” i said. “there’s this funeral at nine o’clock. i’ve just got this message. one officer from each company may go. will you go? i can’t very well go as o.c. company.” and i handed him the pink form to see.
so we rearranged the night duties, and edwards went off till half-past eight, while i finished my dinner. lewis was hovering about with toasted 189 cheese and café au lait. as i swallowed these glutinous concoctions, the candle flickered and went out. i pushed open the door: the moonlight flooded in, and i did not trouble to call for another candle. then i heard the sergeant-major’s voice, and went out. we stood talking at trafalgar square.
“shan’t be sorry to get relieved to-morrow,” i said. i was tired, and i wondered how long the night would take to pass.
suddenly, up the old kent road i heard a man running. my heart stopped. i hate the sound of running in a trench, and last night they had run for stretcher-bearers when robertson was hit. i looked at the sergeant-major, who was biting his lip, his ears cocked. round the corner a man bolted, out of breath, excited. i stopped him; he nearly knocked into us.
“hang you,” said i. “stop! where the devil...?”
“mr. davidson, sir ... mr. davidson is killed.”
“rot!” i said, impatiently. “pull yourself together, man. he’s all right. i saw him only half an hour ago.”
but as i spoke, something broke inside me. it was as if i were straining, beating against something relentless. as though by words, by the cry “impossible” i could beat back the flood of conviction that the man’s words brought over me. dead! i knew he was dead. 190
“impossible, corporal,” i said. “what do you mean?” for i saw now that it was davidson’s corporal who stood gazing at me with fright in his eyes.
he pulled himself together at last.
“killed, sir. it came between us as we were talking. a whizz-bang, sir.”
“my god!” i cried. “where?”
“just at the bottom, sir”—the man jerked his hand back down old kent road. “we were just talking, sir. my leave has come through, and he was joking, and saying his would be through soon, when ... oh, jesus ... i was half blinded.... i’ve not got over it yet, sir.” and the man was all trembling as he spoke.
“he was killed instantly?”
“ach!” said the man. he made a gesture with his hands. “it burst right on him.”
“poor fellow,” i said. god knows what i meant. “send a man with him, sergeant-major,” i added, and plunged up 76 street.
“davidson,” i cried. “davidson dead!”
it was close on midnight, as i stood outside the straw palace. lewis brought me a cup of cocoa. i drank it in silence, and ate a piece of cake. i told the man to go to bed. then, when he had disappeared, i climbed up out of the trench, and sat, my legs dangling down into it. down in the trench the moon cast deep black shadows. i looked around. 191 all was bathed in pale, shimmery moonlight. there was a great silence, save for distant machine-gun popping down in the fricourt valley, and the very distant sound of guns, guns, guns—the sound that never stops day and night. i pressed on my right hand and with a quick turn was up on my feet out of the trench, on the hill-side; for i was just over the brow, on the reverse slope, and out of sight of the enemy lines. i took off my steel helmet and put it on the ground, while i stretched out my arms and clenched my hands.
“so this is war,” i thought. i realised that my teeth were set, and my mouth hard, and my eyes, though full of sleep, wide open: silently i took in the great experience, the death of those well-loved. for of all men in the battalion i loved davidson best. not that i knew him so wonderfully well—but ... well, one always had to smile when he came in; he was so good-natured, so young, so delightfully imperturbable. he used to come in and stroke your hair if you were bad-tempered. somehow he reminded me of a cat purring; and perhaps his hair and his smile had something to do with it? oh, who can define what they love in those they love?
and then my mind went back over all the incidents of the last few hours. together we had been through it all: together we had discussed death: and last of all i thought how he had told me of the funeral that was to be at 9 o’clock. and 192 now he lay beside them. all three had been buried at nine o’clock.
“dead. dead,” said a voice within me. and still i did not move. still that numbness, that dulness, that tightening across the brain and senses. this, too, was something new. then i looked around me, across the moorland. i walked along until i could see down over maple redoubt and across the valley, where there seemed a slight white mist; or was it only moonshine?
suddenly, “strength.” i answered the voice. “strong. i am strong.” every muscle in my body was tingling at my bidding. i felt an iron strength. all this tautness, this numbness, was strength. i remembered last night, the feeling of irresistible will-power, and my eyes glowed. i thought of davidson, and my eyes glistened: the very pain was the birth of new strength.
then, even as the strength came, i heard a thud, and away on the left a canister blazed into the air, climbed, swooped, and rushed. and the vulgar din of its bursting rent all the stillness of the night. a second followed suit. and as it, too, burst, it seemed a clumsy mocking at me, a mocking that ran in echoes all along the still valley.
“strength,” it sneered. “strength.”
and all my iron will seemed beating against a wall of steel, that must in the end wear me down in a useless battering.
“war,” i cried. “how can my will batter 193 against war?” i thought of davidson’s smiling face; and then i thought of the blind clumsy canister. and i felt unutterably weak and powerless. what did it matter what i thought or did, whether i was weak or strong? what power had i against this irresistible impersonal machine; this war? and i remembered how an hour or so ago the trench-mortar officer had asked me whether i wanted him to fire or not, and i had answered, “good god! do as you d—d well like.” what did it matter what he did? yet, last night it had seemed to matter everything.
slowly there came into my mind that picture that later has come to mean to me the true expression of war. only slowly it came now, a half-formed image of what my spirit alone understood.
“a certain man drew a bow at a venture,” i thought. what of those shells that i had called down last night at my bidding, standing like a god, intoxicated with power, and crying “retaliate. more retaliation.” where did they fall? were other men lying as davidson lay to-night? had i called down death? had i stricken families? probably. nay, more than probably. certainly. death. blind death. that was it. blind death.
and all the time above me was the white moon. i looked at the shadows of my arms as i held them out. such shadows belonged to summer nights in england ... in kent.... oh! why was everything 194 so silent? could nothing stop this utter folly, this cruel madness, this clumsy death?
and then, at last, the strain gave a little, and my muscles relaxed. i went back and took up my helmet.
“dead,” the voice repeated within me. and this time my spirit found utterance:
“damn!” i said. “oh damn! damn! damn!”
[copy]
special report—c 1 section (left company)
the mine exploded by us opposite 80 a at 6.30 p.m. last night has exposed about 20 yards of german parapet. a working-party attempting to work there about 12.30 a.m. and again at 2 a.m. was dispersed at once by our rifle and lewis-gun fire. the parapet has been built up sufficiently to prevent our seeing over it, sand-bags having been put up from inside the trench. our snipers are closely watching this spot.
j. b. p. adams, lieut.
o.c. “b” coy.
6.30 a.m. 20.3.16. 195
