he was not pleased, that much was easy to read in his face. but, without furtherargument, he took me in his arms and sprang lithely from my window, landing without the slightest jolt,like a cat. it was a little bit farther down than i'd imagined.
"all right then," he said, his voice seething with disapproval. "up you go."he helped me onto his back, and took off running. even after all this time, it felt routine. easy. evidentlythis was something you never forgot, like riding a bicycle.
it was so very quiet and dark as he ran through the forest, his breathing slow and even—dark enoughthat the trees flying past us were nearly invisible, and only the rush of air in my face truly gave away ourspeed. the air was damp; it didn't burn my eyes the way the wind in the big plaza had, and that wascomforting. as was the night, too, after that terrifying brightness. like the thick quilt i'd played under as achild, the dark felt familiar and protecting.
i remembered that running through the forest like this used to frighten me, that i used to have to close my eyes. it seemed a silly reaction to me now. i kept my eyes wide, my chin resting on his shoulder, mycheek against his neck. the speed was exhilarating. a hundred times better than the motorcycle.
i turned my face toward him and pressed my lips into the cold stone skin of his neck.
"thank you," he said, as the vague, black shapes of trees raced past us. "does that mean you've decidedyou're awake?"i laughed. the sound was easy, natural, effortless. it sounded right. "not really. more that, either way,i'm not trying to wake up. not tonight.""i'll earn your trust back somehow," he murmured, mostly to himself. "if it's my final act.""i trust you," i assured him. "it's me i don't trust.""explain that, please."he'd slowed to a walk—i could only tell because the wind ceased—and i guessed that we weren't farfrom the house. in fact, i thought i could make out the sound of the river rushing somewhere close by inthe darkness.
"well—" i struggled to find the right way to phrase it. "i don't trust myself to be… enough. to deserveyou. there's nothing about me that could hold you."he stopped and reached around to pull me from his back. his gentle hands did not release me; after he'dset me on my feet again, he wrapped his arms tightly around me, hugging me to his chest.
"your hold is permanent and unbreakable," he whispered. "never doubt that."but how could i not?
"you never did tell me…" he murmured.
"what?""what your greatest problem is.""i'll give you one guess." i sighed, and reached up to touch the tip of his nose with my index finger.
he nodded. "i'm worse than the volturi," he said grimly. "i guess i've earned that."i rolled my eyes. "the worst the volturi can do is kill me."he waited with tense eyes.
"you can leave me," i explained. "the volturi, victoria… they're nothing compared to that."even in the darkness, i could see the anguish twist his face—it reminded me of his expression underjane's torturing gaze; i felt sick, and regretted speaking the truth.
"don't," i whispered, touching his face. "don't be sad."he pulled one corner of his mouth up halfheartedly, but the expression didn't touch his eyes. "if there wasonly some way to make you see that i can't leave you," he whispered. "time, i suppose, will be the wayto convince you." i liked the idea of time. "okay," i agreed.
his face was still tormented. i tried to distract him with inconsequentials.
"so—since you're staying. can i have my stuff back?" i asked, making my tone as light as i couldmanage.
my attempt worked, to an extent: he laughed. but his eyes retained the misery. "your things were nevergone," he told me. "i knew it was wrong, since i promised you peace without reminders. it was stupidand childish, but i wanted to leave something of myself with you. the cd, the pictures, thetickets—they're all under your floorboards.""really?"he nodded, seeming slightly cheered by my obvious pleasure in this trivial fact. it wasn't enough to healthe pain in his face completely.
"i think," i said slowly, "i'm not sure, but i wonder… i think maybe i knew it the whole time.""what did you know?"i only wanted to take away the agony in his eyes, but as i spoke the words, they sounded truer than iexpected they would.
"some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether i livedor died. that's probably why i was hearing the voices."there was a very deep silence for a moment. "voices?" he asked flatly.
"well, just one voice. yours. it's a long story." the wary look on his face made me wish that i hadn'tbrought that up. would he think i was crazy, like everyone else? was everyone else right about that? butat least that expression—the one that made him look like something was burning him—faded.
"i've got time." his voice was unnaturally even.
"it's pretty pathetic."he waited.
i wasn't sure how to explain. "do you remember what alice said about extreme sports?"he spoke the words without inflection or emphasis. "you jumped off a cliff for fun.""er, right. and before that, with the motorcycle—""motorcycle?" he asked. i knew his voice well enough to hear something brewing behind the calm.
"i guess i didn't tell alice about that part.""no.""well, about that… see, i found that… when i was doing something dangerous or stupid… i couldremember you more clearly," i confessed, feeling completely mental. "i could remember how your voicesounded when you were angry. i could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. mostly itried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much—it was like you were protecting me again. like you didn't want me to be hurt.
"and, well, i wonder if the reason i could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all. i alwaysknew that you hadn't stopped loving me."again, as i spoke, the words brought with them a sense of conviction. of rightness. some deep placeinside me recognized truth.
his words came out half-strangled. "you… were… risking your life… to hear—""shh," i interrupted him. "hold on a second. i think i'm having an epiphany here."i thought of that night in port angeles when i'd had my first delusion. i'd come up with two options.
insanity or wish fulfillment. i'd seen no third option.
but what if…what if you sincerely believed something was true, but you were dead wrong? what if you were sostubbornly sure that you were right, that you wouldn't even consider the truth? would the truth besilenced, or would it try to break through?
option three: edward loved me. the bond forged between us was not one that could be broken byabsence, distance, or time. and no matter how much more special or beautiful or brilliant or perfect thanme he might be, he was as irreversibly altered as i was. as i would always belong to him, so would healways be mine.
was that what i'd been trying to tell myself?
"oh!""bella?""oh. okay. i see.""your epiphany?" he asked, his voice uneven and strained.
"you love me," i marveled. the sense of conviction and tightness washed through me again.
though his eyes were still anxious, the crooked smile i loved best flashed across his face. "truly, i do."my heart inflated like it was going to crack right through my ribs. it filled my chest and blocked my throatso that i could not speak.
he really did want me the way i wanted him—forever. it was only fear for my soul, for the human thingshe didn't want to take from me, that made him so desperate to leave me mortal. compared to the fearthat he didn't want me, this hurdle—my soul—seemed almost insignificant.
he took my face tightly between his cool hands and kissed me until i was so dizzy the forest wasspinning. then he leaned his forehead against mine, and i was not the only one breathing harder thanusual.
"you were better at it than i was, you know," he told me.
"better at what?" "surviving. you, at least, made an effort. you got up in the morning, tried to be normal for charlie,followed the pattern of your life. when i wasn't actively tracking, i was… totally useless. i couldn't bearound my family—i couldn't be around anyone. i'm embarrassed to admit that i more or less curled upinto a ball and let the misery have me." he grinned, sheepish. "it was much more pathetic than hearingvoices. and, of course, you know i do that, too."i was deeply relieved that he really seemed to understand—comforted that this all made sense to him. atany rate, he wasn't looking at me like i was crazy. he was looking at me like… he loved me.
"i only heard one voice," i corrected him.
he laughed and then pulled me tight against his right side and started to lead me forward.
"i'm just humoring you with this." he motioned broadly with his hand toward the darkness in front of usas we walked. there was something pale and immense there—the house, i realized. "it doesn't matter inthe slightest what they say.""this affects them now, too."he shrugged indifferently.
he led me through the open front door into the dark house and flipped the lights on. the room was justas i'd remembered it—the piano and the white couches and the pale, massive staircase. no dust, nowhite sheets.
edward called out the names with no more volume than i'd use in regular conversation. "carlisle? esme?
rosalie? emmett? jasper? alice?" they would hear.
carlisle was suddenly standing beside me, as if he'd been there all along. "welcome back, bella." hesmiled. "what can we do for you this morning? i imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely socialvisit?"i nodded. "i'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. about something important."i couldn't help glancing up at edward's face as i spoke. his expression was critical, but resigned. when ilooked back to carlisle, he was looking at edward, too.
"of course," carlisle said. "why don't we talk in the other room?"carlisle led the way through the bright living room, around the corner to the dining room, turning on lightsas he went. the walls were white, the ceilings high, like the living room. in the center of the room, underthe low-hanging chandelier, was a large, polished oval table surrounded by eight chairs. carlisle held outa chair for me at the head.
i'd never seen the cullens use the dining room table before—it was just a prop. they didn't eat in thehouse.
as soon as i turned to sit in the chair, i saw that we were not alone. esme had followed edward, andbehind her the rest of the family filed in.
carlisle sat down on my right, and edward on my left. everyone else took their seats in silence. alicewas grinning at me, already in on the plot. emmett and jasper looked curious, and rosalie smiled at metentatively. my answering smile was just as timid. that was going to take some getting used to.
carlisle nodded toward me. "the floor is yours."i swallowed. their gazing eyes made me nervous. edward took my hand under the table. i peeked athim, but he was watching the others, his fate suddenly fierce.
"well," i paused. "i'm hoping alice has already told you everything that happened in volterra?""everything," alice assured me.
i threw her a meaningful look. "and on the way?""that, too," she nodded.
"good," i sighed with relief. "then we're all on the same page."they waited patiently while i tried to order my thoughts.
"so, i have a problem," i began. "alice promised the volturi that i would become one of you. they'regoing to send someone to check, and i'm sure that's a bad thing—something to avoid.
"and so, now, this involves you all. i'm sorry about that." i looked at each one of their beautiful faces,saving the most beautiful for last. edward's mouth was turned down into a grimace. "but, if you don'twant me, then i'm not going to force myself on you, whether alice is willing or not."esme opened her mouth to speak, but i held up one finger to stop her.
"please, let me finish. you all know what i want. and i'm sure you know what edward thinks, too. ithink the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. if you decide you don't want me, then…i guess i'll go back to italy alone. i can't have them coming here." my forehead creased as i consideredthat.
there was the faint rumble of a growl in edward's chest. i ignored him.
"taking into account, then, that i won't put any of you in danger either way, i want you to vote yes or noon the issue of me becoming a vampire."i half-smiled on the last word, and gestured toward carlisle to begin.
"just a minute," edward interrupted.
i glared at him through narrowed eyes. he raised his eyebrows at me, squeezing my hand.
"i have something to add before we vote."i sighed.
"about the danger bella's referring to," he continued. "i don't think we need to be overly anxious."his expression became more animated. he put his free hand on the shining table and leaned forward.
"you see," he explained, looking around the table while he spoke, "there was more than one reason whyi didn't want to shake aro's hand there at the end. there's something they didn't think of, and i didn'twant to cine them in." he grinned.
"which was?" alice prodded. i was sure my expression was just as skeptical as hers.
"the volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. when they decide to find someone, it's not really aproblem. do you remember demetri?" he glanced down at me.
i shuddered. he took that as a yes.
"he finds people—that's his talent, why they keep him.
"now, the whole time we were with any of them, i was picking their brains for anything that might saveus, getting as much information as possible. so i saw how demetri's talent works. he's a tracker—atracker a thousand times more gifted than jarres was. his ability is loosely related to what i do, or whataro does. he catches the… flavor? i don't know how to describe it… the tenor… of someone's mind,and then he follows that. it works over immense distances.
"but after aro's little experiments, well…" edward shrugged.
"you think he won't be able to find me," i said flatly.
he was smug. "i'm sure of it. he relies totally on that other sense. when it doesn't work with you, they'llall be blind.""and how does that solve anything?""quite obviously, alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and i'll hide you. they'll behelpless," he said with fierce enjoyment. "it will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"he and emmett exchanged a glance and a smirk.
this made no sense. "but they can find you," i reminded him.
"and i can take care of myself."emmett laughed, and reached across the table toward his brother, extending a fist.
"excellent plan, my brother," he said with enthusiasm.
edward stretched out his arm to smack emmett's fist with his own.
"no," rosalie hissed.
"absolutely not," i agreed.
"nice." jasper's voice was appreciative.
"idiots," alice muttered.
esme just glared at edward.
i straightened up in my chair, focusing. this was my meeting.
"all right, then. edward has offered an alternative for you to consider," i said coolly. "let's vote."i looked toward edward this time; it would be better to get his opinion out of the way. "do you want meto join your family?"his eyes were hard and black as flint. "not that way. you're staying human." i nodded once, keeping my face businesslike, and then moved on.
"alice?""yes.""jasper?""yes," he said, voice grave. i was a little surprised—i hadn't been at all sure of his vote—but isuppressed my reaction and moved on.
"rosalie?"she hesitated, biting down on her full, perfect bottom lip. "no."i kept my face blank and turned my head slightly to move on, but she held up both her hands, palmsforward.
"let me explain," she pleaded. "i don't mean that i have any aversion to you as a sister. it's just that…this is not the life i would have chosen for myself. i wish there had been someone there to vote no forme."i nodded slowly, and then turned to emmett.
"hell, yes!" he grinned. "we can find some other way to pick a fight with this demetri."i was still grimacing at that when i looked at esme.
"yes, of course, bella. i already think of you as part of my family.""thank you, esme," i murmured as i turned toward carlisle.
i was suddenly nervous, wishing i had asked for his vote first. i was sure that this was the vote thatmattered most, the vote that counted more than any majority.
carlisle wasn't looking at me.
"edward," he said.
"no," edward growled. his jaw was strained tight, his lips curled back from his teeth.
"it's the only way that makes sense," carlisle insisted. "you've chosen not to live without her, and thatdoesn't leave me a choice."edward dropped my hand, shoving away from the table. he stalked out of the room, snarling under hisbreath.
"i guess you know my vote." carlisle sighed.
i was still staring after edward. "thanks," i mumbled.
an earsplitting crash echoed from the other room.
i flinched, and spoke quickly. "that's all i needed. thank you. for wanting to keep me. i feel exactly thesame way about all of you, too." my voice was jagged with emotion by the end.
esme was at my side in a flash, her cold arms around me.
"dearest bella," she breathed.
i hugged her back. out of the corner of my eye, i noticed rosalie looking down at the table, and irealized that my words could be construed in two ways.
"well, alice," i said when esme released me. "where do you want to do this?"alice stared at me, her eyes widening with terror.
"no! no! no!" edward roared, charging back into the room. he was in my face before i had time toblink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. "are you insane?" he shouted. "have you utterlylost your mind?"i cringed away, my hands over my ears.
"um, bella," alice interjected in an anxious voice. "i don't think i'm ready for that. i'll need to prepare…""you promised," i reminded her, glaring under edward's arm.
"i know, but… seriously, bella! i don't have any idea how to not killyou.""you can do it," i encouraged. "i trust you."edward snarled in fury.
alice shook her head quickly, looking panicked.
"carlisle?" i turned to look at him.
edward grabbed my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. his other hand was out, palm towardcarlisle.
carlisle ignored that. "i'm able to do it," he answered my question. i wished i could see his expression.
"you would be in no danger of me losing control.""sounds good." i hoped he could understand; it was hard to talk clearly the way edward held my jaw.
"hold on," edward said between his teeth. "it doesn't have to be now.""there's no reason for it not to be now," i said, the words coming out distorted.
"i can think of a few.""of course you can," i said sourly. "now let go of me."he freed my face, and folded his arms across his chest. "in about two hours, charlie will be here lookingfor you. i wouldn't put it past him to involve the police.""all three of them." but i frowned.
this was always the hardest part. charlie, renee. now jacob, too. the people i would lose, the peoplei would hurt. i wished there was some way that i could be the only one to suffer, but i knew that wasimpossible.
at the same time, i was hurting them more by staying human. putting charlie in constant danger throughmy proximity. putting jake in worse danger still by drawing his enemies across the land he felt bound toprotect. and renee—i couldn't even risk a visit to see my own mother for fear of bringing my deadlyproblems along with me!
i was a danger magnet; i'd accepted that about myself.
accepting this, i knew i needed to be able to take care of myself and protect the ones i loved, even ifthat meant that i couldn't be with them. i needed to be strong.
"in the interest of remaining inconspicuous," edward said, still talking through his gritted teeth, butlooking at carlisle now, "i suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until bella finisheshigh school, and moves out of charlie's house.""that's a reasonable request, bella," carlisle pointed out.
i thought about charlie's reaction when he woke up this morning, if—after all that life had put him throughin the last week with harry's loss, and then i had put him through with my unexplaineddisappearance—he were to find my bed empty. charlie deserved better than that. it was just a little moretime; graduation wasn't so far away…i pursed my lips. "i'll consider it."edward relaxed. his jaw unclenched.
"i should probably take you home," he said, more calm now, but clearly in a hurry to get me out of here.
"just in case charlie wakes up early."i looked at carlisle. "after graduation?""you have my word."i took a deep breath, smiled, and turned back to edward. "okay. you can take me home."edward rushed me out of the house before carlisle could promise me anything else. he took me out theback, so i didn't get to see what was broken in the living room.
it was a quiet trip home. i was feeling triumphant, and a little smug. scared stiff, too, of course, but i triednot to think about that part. it did me no good to worry about the pain—the physical or theemotional—so i wouldn't. not until i absolutely had to.
when we got to my house, edward didn't pause. he dashed up the wall and through my window in half asecond. then he pulled my arms frcm around his neck and set me on the bed.
i thought i had a pretty good idea of what he was thinking, but his expression surprised me. instead offurious, it was calculating. he paced silently back and forth across my dark room while i watched withgrowing suspicion.
"whatever you're planning, it's not going to work," i told him.
"shh. i'm thinking.""ugh," i groaned, throwing myself back on the bed and pulling the quilt over my head.
there was no sound, but suddenly he was there. he flipped the cover back so he could see me. he was lying next to me. his hand reached up to brush my hair from my cheek.
"if you don't mind, i'd much rather you didn't hide your face. i've lived without it for as long as i canstand. now… tell me something.""what?" i asked, unwilling.
"if you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"i could feel the skepticism in my eyes. "you."he shook his head impatiently. "something you don't already have."i wasn't sure where he was trying to lead me, so i thought carefully before i answered. i came up withsomething that was both true, and also probably impossible.
"i would want… carlisle not to have to do it. i would want you to change me."i watched his reaction warily, expecting more of the fury i'd seen at his house. i was surprised that hisexpression didn't change. it was still calculating, thoughtful.
"what would you be willing to trade for that?"i couldn't believe my ears. i gawked at his composed face and blurted out the answer before i couldthink about it.
"anything."he smiled faintly, and then pursed his lips. "five years?"my face twisted into an expression somewhere between chagrin and horror.
"you said anything," he reminded me.
"yes, but… you'll use the time to find a way out of it. i have to strike while the iron is hot. besides, it'sjust too dangerous to be human—for me, at least. so, anything but that."he frowned. "three years?""no!""isn't it worth anyrhing to you at all? "i thought about how much i wanted this. better to keep a poker face, i decided, and not let him knowhow very much that was. it would give me more leverage. "six months?"he rolled his eyes. "not good enough.""one year, then," i said. "that's my limit.""at least give me two.""no way. nineteen i'll do. but i'm not going anywhere near twenty. if you're staying in your teensforever, then so am i."he thought for a minute. "all right. forget time limits. if you want me to be the one—then you'll just have to meet one condition.""condition?" my voice went flat. "what condition?"his eyes were cautious—he spoke slowly. "marry me first."i stared at him, waiting… "okay. what's the punch line?"he sighed. "you're wounding my ego, bella. i just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke.""edward, please be serious.""i am one hundred percent serious." he gazed at me with no hint of humor in his face.
"oh, c'mon," i said, an edge of hysteria in my voice. "i'm only eighteen.""well, i'm nearly a hundred and ten. it's time i settled down."i looked away, out the dark window, trying to control the panic before it gave me away.
"look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? it was sort of the kiss of deathfor renee and charlie.""interesting choice of words.""you know what i mean."he inhaled deeply. "please don't tell me that you're afraid of the commitment," his voice was disbelieving,and i understood what he meant.
"that's not it exactly," i hedged. "i'm… afraid of renee. she has some really intense opinions on gettingmarried before you're thirty.""because she'd rather you became one of the eternal damned than get married." he laughed darkly.
"you think you're joking.""bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soulin exchange for an eternity as a vampire…" he shook his head. "if you're not brave enough to marry me,then—""well," i interrupted. "what if i did? what if i told you to take me to vegas now? would i be a vampirein three days?"he smiled, his teeth flashing in the dark. "sure," he said, calling my bluff. "i'll get my car.""dammit." i muttered. "i'll give you eighteen months.""no deal," he said, grinning. "i like this condition.""fine. i'll have carlisle do it when i graduate.""if that's what you really want." he shrugged, and his smile became absolutely angelic.
"you're impossible," i groaned. "a monster." he chuckled. "is that why you won't marry me?"i groaned again.
he leaned toward me; his night-dark eyes melted and smoldered and shattered my concentration. "please, bella?" he breathed.
i forgot how to breathe for a moment. when i recovered, i shook my head quickly, trying to clear mysuddenly clouded mind.
"would this have gone better if i d had time to get a ring.'""no! no rings!" i very nearly snouted.
"now you've done it," he whispered.
"oops.""charlie's getting up; i'd better leave," edward said with resignation.
my heart stopped beating.
he gauged my expression for a second. "would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?""no," i whispered eagerly. "stay. please."edward smiled and disappeared.
i seethed in the darkness as i waited for charlie to check on me. edward knew exactly what he wasdoing, and i was willing to bet that all the injured surprise was part of the ploy. of course, i still had thecarlisle option, but now that i knew there was a chance that edward would change me himself, i wantedit bad. he was such a cheater.
my door cracked open.
"morning, dad.""oh, hey, bella." he sounded embarrassed at getting caught. "i didn't know you were awake.""yeah. i've just been waiting ior you to wake up so i could take a shower." i started to get up.
"hold on," charlie said, flipping the light on. i blinked in the sudden brightness, and carefully kept myeyes away from the closet. "let's talk for a minute first."i couldn't control my grimace. i'd forgotten to ask alice for a good excuse.
"you know you're in trouble.""yeah, i know.""i just about went crazy these last three days. i come home from harry's funeral, and you're gone.
jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with alice cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble.
you didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. i didn't know where you were or when—or if—youwere coming back. do you have any idea how… how…" he couldn't finish the sentence. he sucked in asharp breath and moved on. "can you give me one reason why i shouldn't ship you off to jacksonvillethis second?" my eyes narrowed. so it was going to be threats, was it? two could play at that game. i sat up, pullingthe quilt around me. "because i won't go.""now just one minute, young lady—""look, dad, i accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for aslong as you want. i will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think i've learned mylesson. and i guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too—but that won't make me togo to florida."his face turned bright red. he took a few deep breaths before he answered.
"would you like to explain where you've been?"oh, crap. "there was… an emergency."he raised his eyebrows in expectation of my brilliant explanation.
i filled my cheeks with air and then blew it out noisily. "i don't know what to tell you, dad. it was mostlya misunderstanding. he said, she said. it got out of hand."he waited with a distrustful expression.
"see, alice told rosalie about me jumping off the cliff…" i was scrambling frantically to make this work,to keep it as close to the truth as possible so that my inability to lie convincingly would not undermine theexcuse, but before i could go on, charlie's expression reminded me that he didn't know arything aboutthecliff.
major oops. as if i wasn't already toast.
"i guess i didn't tell you about that," i choked out. "it was nothing. just messing around, swimming withjake. anyway, rosalie told edward, and he was upset. she sort of accidentally made it sound like i wa?
trying to kill myself or something. he wouldn't answer his phone, so alice dragged me to… l.a., toexplain in person." i shrugged, desperately hoping that he would not be so distracted by my slip that he'dmiss the brilliant explanation i'd provided.
charlie's face was frozen. "were you trying to kill yourself, bella?""no, of course not. just having fun with jake. cliff diving. the la push kids do it all the time. like i said,nothing."charlie's face heated up—from frozen to hot with fury. "what's it to edward cullen anyway?" he barked.
"all this time, he's just left you dangling without a word—"i interrupted him. "another misunderstanding."his face flushed again. "so is he back then?""i'm not sure what the exact plan is. i think they all are."he shook his head, the vein in his forehead pulsing. "i want you to stay away from him, bella. i don't trusthim. he's rotten for you. i won't let him mess you up like that again.""fine," i said curtly.
charlie rocked back onto his heels. "oh." he scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. "ithought you were going to be difficult.""i am." i stared straight into his eyes. "i meant, 'fine, i'll move out.'"his eyes bulged; his face turned puce. my resolve wavered as i started to worry about his health. hewas no younger than harry…"dad, i don't want to move out," i said in a softer tone. "i love you. i know you're worried, but you needto trust me on this. and you're going to have to ease up on edward if you want me to stay. do you wantme to live here or not?""that's not fair, bella. you know i want you to stay.""then be nice to edward, because he's going to be where i am." i said it with confidence. the convictionof my epiphany was still strong.
"not under my roof," charlie stormed.
i sighed a heavy sigh. "look, i'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight—or i guess it's thismorning. just think about it for a few days, okay? but keep in mind that edward and i are sort of apackage deal.""bella—""think it over," i insisted. "and while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? i really need ashower."charlie's face was a strange shade of purple, but he left, slamming the door behind him. i heard himstomp furiously down the stairs.
i threw off my quilt, and edward was already there, sitting in the rocking chair as if he d been presentthrough the whole conversation.
"sorry about that," i whispered.
"it's not as if i don't deserve far worse," he murmured. "don't start anything with charlie over me, please.
""don't worry about it," i breathed as i gathered up my bathroom things and a set of clean clothes. "i willstart exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that. or are you trying to tell me i have nowhereto go?" i widened my eyes with false alarm.
"you'd move in with a house full of vampires?""that's probably the safest place for someone like me. besides…" i grinned. "if charlie kicks me out,then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"his jaw tightened. "so eager for eternal damnation," he muttered.
"you know you don't really believe that.""oh, don't i?" he fumed.
"no. you don't." he glowered at me and started to speak, but i cut him off.
"if you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when i found you in volterra, you would haverealized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. but youdidn't—you said 'amazing. carlisle was right,'" i reminded him, triumphant. "there's hope in you, afterall."for once, edward was speechless.
"so let's both just be hopeful, all right?" i suggested. "not that it matters. if you stay, i don't needheaven."he got up slowly, and came to put his hands on either side of my face as he stared into my eyes.
"forever," he vowed, still a little staggered.
"that's all i'm asking for," i said, and stretched up on my toes so that i could press my lips to his.
epilogue treatyalmost everything was back to normal—the good, pre-zombie normal—in lesstime than i would have believed possible. the hospital welcomed carlisle back with eager arms, not evenbothering to conceal their delight that esme had found life in l.a. so little to her liking. thanks to thecalculus test i'd missed while abroad, alice and edward were in better to shape to graduate than i wasat the moment. suddenly, college was a priority (college was still plan b, on the off chance that edward'soffer swayed me from the post-graduation carlisle option). many deadlines had passed me by, butedward had a new stack of applications for me to fill out every day. he'd already done the harvardroute, so it didn't bother him that, thanks to my procrastination, we might both end up at peninsulacommunity college next year.
charlie was not happy with me, or speaking to edward. but at least edward was allowed—during mydesignated visiting hours—inside the house again. i just wasn't allowed out of it.
school and work were the only exceptions, and the dreary, dull yellow walls of my classrooms hadbecome oddly inviting to me of late. that had a lot to do with the person who sat in the desk beside me.
edward had resumed his schedule from the beginning of the year, which put him in most of my classesagain. my behavior had been such last fall, after the cullens' supposed move to l.a., that the seat besideme had never been filled. even mike, always eager to take any advantage, had kept a safe distance.
with edward back in place, it was almost as if the last eight months were just a disturbing nightmare.
almost, but not quite. there was the house arrest situation, for one thing. and for another, before the fall,i hadn't been best friends with jacob black. so, of course, i hadn't missed him then.
i wasn't at liberty to go to la push, and jacob wasn't coming to see me. he wouldn't even answer myphone calls.
i made these calls mostly at night, after edward had been kicked out—promptly at nine by a grimlygleeful charlie—and before edward snuck back through my window when charlie was asleep. i chosethat time to make my fruitless calls because i'd noticed that edward made a certain face every time imentioned jacob's name. sort of disapproving and wary… maybe even angry. i guessed that he had some reciprocal prejudice against the werewolves, though he wasn't as vocal as jacob had been aboutthe "bloodsuckers."so, i didn't mention jacob much.
with edward near me, it was hard to think about unhappy things—even my former besi fnend, who wasprobably very unhappy right now, due to me. when i did think of jake, i always felt guilty for notthinking of him more.
the fairy tale was back on. prince returned, bad spell broken. i wasn't sure exactly what to do about theleftover, unresolved character. where was his happily ever after?
weeks passed, and jacob still wouldn't answer my calls. it started to become a constant worry. like adripping faucet in the back of my head that i couldn't shut off or ignore. drip, drip, drip. jacob, jacob,jacob.
so, though i didn't mention jacob much, sometimes my frustration and anxiety boiled over.
"it's just plain rude!" i vented one saturday afternoon when edward picked me up from work. beingangry about things was easier than feeling guilty. "downright insulting!"i'd varied my pattern, in hopes of a different response. i'd called jake from work this time, only to get anunhelpfulbilly.again.
"billy said he didn't want to talk to me," i fumed, glaring at the rain oozing down the passenger window.
"that he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! usually billy just says he's out orbusy or sleeping or something. i mean, it's not like i didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was apolite way to handle it. i guess billy hates me now, too. it's not fair!""it's not you, bella," edward said quietly. "nobody hates you.""feels that way," i muttered, folding my arms across my chest. it was no more than a stubborn gesture.
there was no hole there now—i could barely remember the empty feeling anymore.
"jacob knows we're back, and i'm sure that he's ascertained that i'm with you," edward said. "he won'tcome anywhere near me. the enmity is rooted too deeply.""that's stupid. he knows you're not… like other vampires.""there's still good reason to keep a safe distance."i glared blindly out the windshield, seeing only jacob's face, set in the bitter mask i hated.
"bella, we are what we are," edward said quietly. "i can control myself, but i doubt he can. he's veryyoung. it would most likely turn into a fight, and i don't know if i could stop it before i k—" he broke off,and then quickly continued. "before i hurt him. you would be unhappy. i don't want that to happen."i remembered what jacob had said in the kitchen, hearing the words with perfect recall in his huskyvoice. i'm not sure that i'm even-tempered enough to handle that… you probably wouldn't like itso much if i killed your friend. but he'd been able to handle it, that time…"edward cullen," i whispered. "were you about to say 'killed him? were you?"he looked away from me, staring into the rain. in front of us, the red light i hadn't noticed turned green and he started forward again, driving very slowly. not his usual way of driving.
"i would try… very hard… not to do that," edward finally said.
i stared at him with my mouth hanging open, but he continued to look straight ahead. we were paused atthe corner stop sign.
abruptly, i remembered what had happened to paris when romeo came back. the stage directionswere simple: they fight. paris falls.
but that was ridiculous. impossible.
"well," i said, and took a deep breath, shaking my head to dispel the words in my head. "nothing likethat is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. and you know charlie's staring atthe clock right now. you'd better get me home before i get in more trouble for being late."i turned my face up toward him, to smile halfheartedly.
every time i looked at his face, that impossibly perfect face, my heart pounded strong and healthy andvery there in my chest. this time, the pounding raced ahead of its usual besotted pace. i recognized theexpression on his statue-still face.
"you're already in more trouble, bella," he whispered through unmoving lips.
i slid closer, clutching his arm as i followed his gaze to see what he was seeing. i don't know what iexpected—maybe victoria standing in the middle of the street, her flaming red hair blowing in the wind,or a line of tall black cloaks… or a pack of angry werewolves. but i didn't see anything at all.
"what? what is it?"he took a deep breath. "charlie…""my dad?" i screeched.
he looked down at me then, and his expression was calm enough to ease some of my panic.
"charlie… is probably not going to kill you, but he's thinking about it," he told me. he started to driveforward again, down my street, but he passed the house and parked by the edge of the trees.
"what did i do?" i gasped.
edward glanced back at charlie's house. i followed his gaze, and noticed for the first time what wasparked in the driveway next to the cruiser. shiny, bright red, impossible to miss. my motorcycle, flauntingitself in the driveway.
edward had said that charlie was ready to kill me, so he must know that—that it was mine. there wasonly one person who could be behind this treachery.
"no!" i gasped. "why? why would jacob do this to me?" the sting of betrayal washed through me. ihad trusted jacob implicitly—trusted him with every single secret i had. he was supposed to be my safeharbor—the person i could always rely on. of course things were strained right now, but i didn't thinkany of the underlying foundation had changed. i didn't think that was changeable!
what had i done to deserve this? charlie was going to be so mad—and worse than that, he was going tobe hurt and worried. didn't he have enough to deal with already? i would have never imagined that jake could be so petty and just plain mean. tears sprang, smarting, into my eyes, but they were not tears ofsadness. i had been betrayed. i was suddenly so angry that my head throbbed like it was going toexplode.
"is he still here?" i hissed.
"yes. he's waiting for us there." edward told me, nodding toward the slender path that divided the darkfringe of the forest in two.
i jumped out of the car, launching myself toward the trees with my hands already balled into fists for thefirst punch.
why did edward have to be so much faster than me?
he caught me around the waist before i made the path.
"let me go! i'm going to murder him! traitor!" i shouted the epithet toward the trees.
"charlie will hear you," edward warned me. "and once he gets you inside, he may brick over thedoorway."i glanced back at the house instinctively, and it seemed like the glossy red bike was all i could see. i wasseeing red. my head throbbed again.
"just give me one round with jacob, and then i'll deal with charlie." i struggled futilely to break free.
"jacob black wants to see me. that's why he's still here."that stopped me cold—took the fight right out of me. my hands went limp. they fight; paris falls.
i was furious, but not that furious.
"talk?" i asked.
"more or less.""how much more?" my voice shook.
edward smoothed my hair back from my face. "don't worry, he's not here to fight me. he's acting as…spokesperson for the pack.""oh."edward looked at the house again, then tightened his arm around my waist and pulled me toward thewoods. "we should hurry. charlie's getting impatient."we didn't have to go far; jacob waited just a short ways up the path. he lounged against a mossy treetrunk as he waited, his face hard and bitter, exactly the way i knew it would be. he looked at me, andthen at edward. jacob's mouth stretched into a humorless sneer, and he shrugged away from the tree. hestood on the balls of his bare feet, leaning slightly forward, with his trembling hands clenched into fists. helooked bigger than the last time i'd seen him. somehow, impossibly, he was still growing. he wouldtower over edward, if they stood next to each other.
but edward stopped as soon as we saw him, leaving a wide space between us and jacob. edwardturned his body, shifting me so that i was behind him. i leaned around him to stare at jacob—to accuse him with my eyes.
i would have thought that seeing his resentful, cynical expression would only make me angrier. instead, itreminded me of the last time i'd seen him, with tears in his eyes. my fury weakened, faltered, as i staredat jacob. it had been so long since i'd seen him—i hated that our reunion had to be like this.
"bella," jacob said as a greeting, nodding once toward me without looking away from edward.
"why?" i whispered, trying to hide the sound of the lump in my throat. "how could you do this to me,jacob?"the sneer vanished, but his face stayed hard and rigid. "it's for the best.""what is that supposed to mean? do you want charlie to strangle me? or did you want him to have aheart attack, like harry? no matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to him?"jacob winced, and his eyebrows pulled together, but he didn't answer.
"he didn't want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed tospend time with me," edward murmured, explaining the thoughts jacob wouldn't say.
jacob's eyes sparked with hate as he glowered at edward again.
"aw, jake!" i groaned. "i'm already grounded! why do you think i haven't been down to la push tokick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"jacob's eyes flashed back to me, confused for the first time. "that's why?" he asked, and then locked hisjaw, like he was sorry he'd said anything.
"he thought i wouldn't let you, not charlie," edward explained again.
"stop that," jacob snapped.
edward didn't answer.
jacob shuddered once, and then gritted his teeth as hard as his fists. "bella wasn't exaggerating aboutyour… abilities," he said through his teeth. "so you must already know why i'm here.""yes," edward agreed in a soft voice. "but, before you begin, i need to say something."jacob waited, clenching and unclenching his hands as he tried to control the shivers rolling down his arms.
"thank you," edward said, and his voice throbbed with the depth of his sincerity. "i will never be able totell you how grateful i am. i will owe you for the rest of my… existence."jacob stared at him blankly, his shudders stilled by surprise. he exchanged a quick glance with me, butmy face was just as mystified.
"for keeping bella alive," edward clarified, his voice rough and fervent. "when i… didn't.""edward—," i started to say, but he held one hand up, his eyes on jacob.
understanding washed over jacob's face before the hard mask returned. "i didn't do it for your benefit.""i know. but that doesn't erase the gratitude i feel. i thought you should know. if there's ever anything inmy power to do for you…" jacob raised one black brow.
edward shook his head. "that's not in my power.""whose, then?" jacob growled.
edward looked down at me. "hers. i'm a quick learner, jacob black, and i don't make the same mistaketwice. i'm here until she orders me away."i was immersed momentarily in his golden gaze. it wasn't hard to understand what i'd missed in theconversation. the only thing that jacob would want from edward would be his absence.
"never," i whispered, still locked in edward's eyes.
jacob made a gagging sound.
i unwillingly broke free from edward's gaze to frown at jacob. "was there something else you needed,jacob? you wanted me in trouble—mission accomplished. charlie might just send me to military school.
but that won't keep me away from edward. there's nothing that can do that. what more do you want?"jacob kept his eyes on edward "i just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points inthe treaty they agreed to. the treaty chat is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right thisminute.""we haven't forgotten," edward said at the same time that i demanded, "what key points?"jacob still glowered at edward, but he answered me. "the treaty is quite specific. if any of them bite ahuman, the truce is over. bite, not kill," he emphasized. finally, he looked at me. his eyes were cold.
it only took me a second to grasp the distinction, and then my face was as cold as his.
"that's none of your business.""the hell it—" was all he managed to choke out.
i didn't expect my hasty words to bring on such a strong response. despite the warning he'd come togive, he must not have known. he must have thought the warning was just a precaution. he hadn'trealized—or didn't want to believe—that i had already made my choice. that i was really intending tobecome a member of the cullen family.
my answer sent jacob into near convulsions. he pressed his fists hard against his temples, closing hiseyes tight and curling in on himself as he tried to control the spasms. his face turned sallow green underthe russet skin.
"jake? you okay?" i asked anxiously.
i took a half-step toward him, then edward caught me and yanked me back behind his own body.
"careful! he's not under control," he warned me.
but jacob was already somewhat himself again; only his arms were shaking now. he scowled at edwardwith pure hate. "ugh. i would never hurt her."neither edward or i missed the inflection, or the accusation it contained. a low hiss escaped edward'slips. jacob clenched his fists reflexively.
"bella!" charlie's roar echoed from the direction of the house. "you get in this house thisinstant!"all of us froze, listening to the silence that followed.
i was the first to speak; my voice trembled. "crap."jacob's furious expression faltered. "i am sorry about that," he muttered. "i had to do what i could—ihad to try…""thanks." the tremor in my voice ruined the sarcasm. i stared up the path, half-expecting charlie tocome barreling through the wet ferns like an enraged bull. i would be the red flag in that scenario.
"just one more thing," edward said to me, and then he looked at jacob. "we've found no trace ofvictoria on our side of the line—have you?"he knew the answer as soon as jacob thought it, but jacob spoke the answer anyway. "trie last timewas while bella was… away. we let her think she was slipping through—we were tightening the circle,getting ready to ambush her—"ice shot down my spine.
"but then she took off like a bat out of hell. near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent andbailed. she hasn't come near our lands since."edward nodded. "when she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. we'll—""she killed on our turf," jacob hissed. "she's ours!""no—," i began to protest both declarations.
"bella! i see his car and i know you're out there! if you aren't inside thishouse in one minute… !" charlie didn't bother to finish his threat.
"let's go," edward said.
i looked back at jacob, torn. would i see him again?
"sorry," he whispered so low that i had to read his lips to understand. '"bye, bells.""you promised," i reminded him desperately. "still friends, right?"jacob shook his head slowly, and the lump in my throat nearly strangled me.
"you know how hard i've tried to keep that promise, but… i can't see how to keep trying. not now…"he struggled to keep his hard mask in place, but it wavered, and then disappeared. "miss you," hemouthed. one of his hands reached toward me, his fingers outstretched, like he wished they were longenough to cross the distance between us.
"me, too," i choked out. my hand reached toward his across the wide space.
like we were connected, the echo of his pain twisted inside me. his pain, my pain.
"jake…" i took a step toward him. i wanted to wrap my arms around his waist and erase the expressionof misery on his face.
edward pulled me back again, his arms restraining instead of defending.
"it's okay," i promised him, looking up to read his face with trust in my eyes. he would understand.
his eyes were unreadable, his face expressionless. cold. "no, it's not.""let her go," jacob snarled, furious again. "she wants to!" he took two long strides forward. a glint ofanticipation flashed in his eyes. his chest seemed to swell as it shuddered.
edward pushed me behind himself, wheeling to face jacob.
"no! edward—!""isabella swan!""come on! charlie's mad!" my voice was panicked, but not because of charlie now. "hurry!"i tugged on him and he relaxed a little. he pulled me back slowly, always keeping his eyes on jacob aswe retreated.
jacob watched us with a dark scowl on his bitter face. the anticipation drained from his eyes, and then,just before the forest came between us, his face suddenly crumpled in pain.
i knew that last glimpse of his face would haunt me until i saw him smile again.
and right there i vowed that i would see him smile, and soon. i would find a way to keep my friend.
edward kept his arm tight around my waist, holding me close. that was the only thing that held the tearsinside my eyes.
i had some serious problems.
my best friend counted me with his enemies.
victoria was still on the loose, putting everyone i loved in danger.
if i didn't become a vampire soon, the volturi would kill me.
and now it seemed that if i did, the quileute werewolves would try to do the job themselves—alongwith trying to kill my future family. i didn't think they had any chance really, but would my best friend gethimself killed in the attempt?
very serious problems. so why did they all suddenly seem insignificant when we broke through the lastof the trees and i caught sight of the expression on charlie's purple face?
edward squeezed me gently. "i'm here."i drew in a deep breath.
that was true. edward was here, with his arms around me.
i could face anything as long as that was true.
i squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.
24 投票
他并不高兴，这在他脸上很容易就能读出来。但，没有再争吵下去，他把我拥在怀里，轻柔的从窗户跳了下去，几乎没有什么震动，就像猫一样。这比我想象中的要进展的更快一点。
“好了”他满是不愿意的说，“走吧”
他把我背上背，飞快地跑着离开了。即使是分开了这么久，这一切仍然很习以为常，很轻松。显然这是一些你永远不会忘记的事，就像骑自行车一样。
他背着我穿越森林，呼吸很慢，四周宁静而漆黑，甚至连那些飞驰过我们的树木都看不见。只有气流迎面扑来，展示了我们的速度。空气很潮湿，它不像大广场上呼啸而过的风一样刺痛我的眼睛，而是给我一种很舒适的感觉。正如夜晚，同样，在那令人胆怯的黑暗背后，就犹如一张薄被覆盖在调皮玩耍的孩童身上，夜色让人觉得亲近，安全。
我想起像这样在森林中疾驰曾经让我害怕，我总是会闭上眼睛。现在看来，这像是愚蠢的反应。我把眼睛睁得大大的，下巴磕在他的肩上，我的双颊紧贴着他的后背。这样的速度让人兴奋，比摩托车要好上一百倍。
我转过脸朝着他，嘴唇触碰到了他背上冰冷的，大理石一般的肌肤。
“谢谢你”他含糊不清地说道，黑色的巨大树影掠过我们。“那是不是意味着你决定你实行者的呢？”
我大笑起来，轻松自然，毫不费力的。听起来是这样。“不完全是。更多的是，不管怎样，我不想醒来。不是今晚。”
“我总会赢回你的信任的”他嘟囔着，很有可能是自言自语。“如果这是我最终的表示。”
“我信任你”我想他保证。“我不信任的是自己”。
“请解释一下那个”
他走的慢一点儿了——我只能从风停止了来辨认这一点——我猜我们离家不远了。事实上，我可以辨认出河流正在黑暗中冲击附近的某处的声音。
“恩——”我努力寻找恰当的方式来表述。“我不信任我自己。。。不够。去配得上你。我没有任何把握可以抓住你。”
他停下来把我从背上放了下来。温柔的手并没有放开我，在我站直之后，他用手臂轻柔的包裹着我，将我拥向他的胸。
“你对我的掌握是永久的，是牢不可破的”他耳语着。“永远不要怀疑这个”
但我怎么不怀疑呢？
“你从来没有告诉我。。”他嘟囔着。
“什么？”
“你最大的麻烦是什么”
“我会让你猜一猜的”我叹着气，抬起食指碰了碰他的鼻尖。
他点了点头。“我比沃尔图里家族更差劲“他严厉的说“我猜我已经得到那项褒奖了”
我转了转眼珠。“沃尔图里家族所能做的最坏的事就是杀了我。”
他耐心等着，眼神紧张。
“你可以离开我”我解释说，“沃尔图里家族，维多利亚。。。他们与之相比都不值一提。”
即使在黑暗中，我都可以看到痛苦缠绕着他的脸庞——这让我想起了他在简的折磨下那样的表情，我觉得很难受，并且后悔说了实话。
“不要”我低声说，摸着他的脸。“不要这么悲伤”
他勉强的提起了嘴唇的一角，但是表情没有影响他的眼神。“如果非要有什么方法来让你相信我不会离开你，”他附在我耳旁，“那就是时间，我想，是唯一能说服的方法。”
我喜欢时间的提议。“好的”我同意了。
他的脸还是很让人心痛。我尝试用一些微不足道的事来分散他的注意力。
“那么——既然你要留下，我可以把我的东西拿回来吗？”我问他，语气尽可能的轻快。
我的努力见效了，达到了一个程度：他笑了起来。可他的眼睛里还保留着痛苦。“你的东西我从来都没有拿走”他告诉我。“我知道这是不对的，既然我保证你的宁静就该拿掉那些纪念品。这看起来很愚蠢并且孩子气，但我想要留下自己的一些东西陪伴着你。cd，照片，票——都躺在你的地板下。”
“真的吗？”
他点了点头，似乎对我发现这个琐碎的事实所表现出来的明显的开心感到有一点点高兴。这还不足以完全治愈他脸上的痛苦。
“我想”我慢慢说道“我不确定。但是我想。。。我想也许我一直都知道。”
“你知道什么？”
我只想带走他眼中的痛苦，但是当我说这些话时，它们听起来比我想象中更加真实。
“我的一些部分，我的潜意识或许，从未停止相信，你一直在关心着我，无论我生或是死。这或许就是我为什么一直听见那些声音的原因。”
随即是很长一段时间的沉默。
“声音？”他平淡的问我
“恩，只有一个声音，你的。这是一个很长的故事。”他脸上谨慎的表情让我希望那不是我引起的。他会觉得我疯了吗，就像别人那样？每个人都对此很确信吗？但至少那个表情——让他看起来像是被什么烧着了一样的表情——终于退去了。
“我有时间”他听起来那么不自然。
“那实在是很感伤”
他等着。
我不知道该怎么解释。“你记得爱丽丝所说的极限运动吗？”
他说话没有音调变化，也没有重音。“你跳崖寻开心”
“恩，是的，在那之前，还有摩托车——”
“摩托车？”他问道。我太了解他的声音了，听得出那镇定之后的急躁。
“我想我没有告诉爱丽丝那部分。”
“你没有”
“恩，关于那个。。。恩，我发现。。当我在做一些危险或者愚蠢的事情时。。。我可以更清晰的想起你。”我坦白了，“我可以响起你生气时候的声音。我可以听到它，就像你站在我身边一样。大多数时候我试图不要想你，但是着没有什么用——就像你又一次在保护我。就像你不想我受伤害。
“而且，恩，我想知道我能如此清晰的听到你的原因是不是就隐藏在这一切下面，我一直都知道你没有停止爱我。”
再一次，当我说话时，这些字带来了一种新年，对公正的新年。在我心里的某个深处，我认清了真相。
他像是被勒着一样，话说的断断续续。
“你。。。拿。。你的生命冒险。。去听——”
“嘘”我打断了他。“别说话。我想我在这儿有了一些顿悟。”
我回想起在port angeles 我第一次产生错觉的时候。我产生了两个想法。神经错乱或者是梦想成真。我没有第三种想法。
但是如果。。。
如果你真诚的相信什么东西是真的，但是你实际上错了？如果你顽固地确信你是对的，你几乎不会考虑到事实？事实会选择沉默，还是会破裂
想法三：爱德华爱我。这种被锤炼出的我们之间的关系
不会因为距离而被破坏，或是时间。不管他比我多特别，多美丽，多遥远或多完美，他就向我一样不可逆转的改变。正如我将一直属于他，他也将一直属于我。
这就是我一直想要告诉自己的吗？
“哦！”
“贝拉?”
“哦，好的。我知道了。”
“你的顿悟？”他问道，声音显得不自然，不平坦。
“你爱我”我惊叹道。确信的感觉又一次冲洗了我。
尽管他的眼神仍然很忧虑，我最爱的那歪歪的笑容又掠过了他的脸庞。
“事实上，我是的。”
我的心膨胀了起来就像它要穿过我的肋骨破裂了。它填满了我整个胸腔并堵住了我的嗓子使我说不出话来。
他爱我正如我爱他，那是会持续永远的感情。只是他不愿意拿走我人类的身份，那所谓的灵魂，这样的束缚对我们的感情而言，是致命一击。但与他不再爱我的恐惧相比，我的灵魂，这又算得了什么呢？
他轻轻的捧起我的脸，埋
