to m. hollydorf, director of the animalculan corps of the r. h. b. society, at present conducting their explorations in the newly discovered city of heraclea doweri, in the country of the wild hordes in the andean region of la plata.—greeting, in behalf of our patrons and members of the society, with personal congratulations! wonder and surprised amazement are terms of too weak invention to express the emotional excitement caused by your letter of discovery, which reached us with unaccountable despatch. the introduction,—although conducted with consummate skill, that our credulity might not be overstrained by the relation of concurring events in a manner too abrupt,—was of a character so startling that our mouths unconsciously retained the smoke of our pipes, to be emitted in the full volume of accumulation with an involumed sigh of relief, when impressed with the conviction of your sanity. it appears from your relation, that your progress was attended by concurrent events of the most surprising description, which by a conjunction of circumstances, when subject to opposition, were readily overcome, with an effect that tended to the final development of the animalculan race of humanity. the train with the slightest descriptive discrepancy would have consigned your letter to the basket as a maniacal production. as it was, with the first announcement, all eyes became fixed upon the reader in mute astonishment, 283too deeply impressed for skeptical thought, or incredulous comparison; the valves of respiratory emotion continued closed to voluntary exercise, with singular endurance, until the last sentence of your letter opened their vent with a prolonged whe-w accompanied with a volume of condensed smoke commensurate with the capacity of each member for marvelous inflation. before proceeding to the theoretical discussion, and precedental comparison of your revelations with those of past ages, the members indulged in a variety of extra-scientific ejaculations decidedly foreign to your manatitlan code of educational ethics.
in discursive consultation after the members had become sufficiently restored for the exercise of their wonted mental equilibrium, by potations obnoxious to the cultivated habits of your exemplars, the discovery was subjected to an analytico-cosmogenerical evolution of ideas. during the discussion a variety of theories were advanced by the prominent members, embracing involution and evolution, to account for the infinitesimal size of the animalculan race of humanity, and causes of reduction. some advocated psychological condensation of the souls of our race after death, the degrees of perfection being indicated by the gradations of size distinguishing the castes of giantesco, medium, and tit. others that they were the concentrated essences of our human vitality in happy translation exonerated from the corruptions of organic support. but a majority were inclined to subject you and your associates to a thorough test upon the score of optical illusion; a few, however, contended that you were subject to necromantic agency. in fact, your mental and physical condition was analyzed with the nicest tests of scrutiny that could be brought to bear from the manifestations developed in the composition of your letter. from the extremes of experience, and extensive resources of the 284members for tracing the influences of climate, with the moral effect of the eventful transitions through which you passed, they soon arrived at the definite conclusion that your discoveries were legitimately compatible with a sound mind, notwithstanding the precedental lack of parallel examples for comparison. but before final adoption, the effects likely to be wrought in mental, moral, and theological philosophy were elaborately discussed. but from a lack of data to establish the fact of their complete and separate existence as a race, or whether they are representative soul iotas of our own race undergoing the process of refinement, the question was held in suspension for the bias of well attested information. the discovery, however, was unanimously indorsed as an unprecedented matter of fact, tangible to your own and the initiated senses of your associates, and in no way improbable, although reduced to the extreme limits of believing divisibility.
from the insatiable desire of your personal friends, and the few court magnates admitted to the secret, to see and read your letter, in proof of the reality of the discovery, it has become extremely dilapidated; besides, the encroachments of memento clippings have in some parts reached the text. from the almost realized probability of its becoming illegible it is the general wish of the members, expressed in a series of resolutions, that you should retain the duplicate to be filed in the recorded transactions of the society on your return. of this you may be sure, from the reverence bestowed upon the one received, in after years it will be esteemed as a relic of attraction sufficient for the liquidation of any emergency to which the society may become subject from revolution or invasion. by the adoption of this advisable precaution the discovery will be preserved for the perpetual honor and benefit of the society, as an index of its pre?minent claims above those of rival societies and 285associations in foreign countries. we shall not for the future presume to offer you advice for the direction of your investigations, but in your next communication the society would be pleased to learn from the manatitlan naturalists the number and species of the giga animals that are at present represented in animalculan life. if your researches have developed other racial peculiarities in the interim they will serve as a digestive stimulant to the doubtful.
the society has elected, by a unanimous vote, mr. welson, mr. dow, and captain greenwood, corresponding members, and the padre simon, jack, and bill (you neglected to write the names of the last mentioned in full), honorary fellows. this is a step toward liberalism quite unprecedented in the annals of the society. their election, however, was held as a politic necessity to prevent them from advancing claims of priority under the patronage of foreign societies, as prussia now intends to maintain her position as a—if not the—leading nation of europe, which the reputation of her krupp’s cannon have gained. i am recommended to hint the necessity of precaution in keeping watch over their movements, lest by surreptitious publication of the discovery, the honors of the society dependent upon priority might be imperiled. your personal friends send three household tympano-microscopes, suited for dining-room entertainment and post-prandial speeches. herr dollynitzen, the eminent toy architect, to whom the discovery was communicated as a state secret, has exercised his utmost skill in the erection and adornment of the palaces intended for the manatitlan dosch and his advisors; also in the arrangement of the court suites for the production of magnificent effects. the appointments of the lesser buildings and accommodations for attache’s attendants, are in admirable keeping with the grandeur of the design. the buildings are supplied with all the modern improvements and 286appliances for the distribution of gas and water, for illumination and lavatory purposes. the brewery, stables, and distillery, are without the chief inclosure in the rear. the punch bowls, bier glasses, and state table service of plate, if found too cumbersome for use, will serve as monuments for the memorial attestation of our artistic skill. in fact, you will be surprised with the skill exhibited in the accomplishment of the undertaking, in all that appertains to durability and finished taste, when you consider the short space of time allowed for its completion. imperial majesty, and the prince of diplomats, have promised to find time to offer you their autographical greetings for the honors you have conferred upon the crown by your important discoveries, which will be sanctioned in acceptance with the double approval of our august bird of prey, as token of recognized merit.
yours truly,
per order of the r. h. b. society,
bugwitzs, sec.
n. b. (entre nous.) if you can send us (liberals) a codified formula of the manatitlan system of education (under cover to me), it might be used as a reformatory basis for a revolutionary movement to effect the rescue of governmental power from the arbitrary sway of the legitimate few. anything new, with the reputation of an experienced trial of six or seven thousand years, would serve as a subject for public speaking and talk; for as the manatitlans say, the liberal and radical democracy of our race are attracted by the sonorous bellowings of the physically strong lunged leaders of herd, and amused in dalliance with the softly toned melody of the lowing kine. b.
m. hollydorf, after reading the secretary’s letter, would have suppressed the autographic missive; but the dosch called his attention to it,—laughingly adding, 287that he had been advised of the contents by a third party, who was present during the process of dictation. observing the flush that mounted to m. hollydorf’s face, he said, “i perceive that our system of espionage is not fully sanctioned by your thoughts. but as our object is devoid of instinctive curiosity and malice, and solely devoted to the emancipation of your race from the impositions of selfishness, you will upon mature consideration approve of our course. we are fully aware of the difficulty you experience in divesting yourselves of the reverential awe inspired by the sounding appellations of king, emperor, prince, and other titles bestowed for self-gratulation in the flights of vanity. but if you will analyze the charter privileges conferred with these vapory titles, you will find that patents of nobility are the real talons of your standard emblem of nationality, which allows the grantee to become a participator with the imperial or kingly beak, in rending the spoils of oppression. in truth, the whole structure of your mythological and classical literature, upon which the anointed supremacy of kingly and noble power rests, is as vague and shadowy in its reflection, as a source of awe, as the sun photograph of an ass’s ears upon the ground for the intimidation of their owner.
“the privileged follies of the upper ranks, rather than their wisdom, is, from the contrasted meanness of self, the instinctive cause of reverential fear with the poverty stricken. the man who will accept the direction of others, when obliged to dissemble his own follies, not only contravenes the manifest indications of creative intention, but demeans the natural honesty of his instinct below brute capacity. it is also equally evident that a man who will not deal honestly with himself, is not only unworthy, but will betray the trust reposed in him by others, and as an apostate to his human privilege demeans his instinct as far below the reach of the lower orders as his capabilities 288are above. with this class, who ape the privilege of ruling others when lacking the will for self-control, our espionage is no treason, but the study of instinct, devoted to selfish gratification, in search of means for emancipation. the craft of the diplomat, whose foxy instinct endeavors to fix the incentive stigma of a causeless war upon neighboring nations, as the precursor of slaughtered millions, for the absorption of coveted territory, should prove a source of reprobation, rather than praise, to the peaceful perceptions of instinct.”
in illustration of the covetous nature of the letter, which from the patriotic sympathy of shame you would withhold, we will state from the basis of auramental experience, that the victory of germany over her gallic neighbor, who lacked the leading energies of a man capable of controlling with inspired confidence her armies, will prove far worse than a defeat for the continued prosperity of the country. this is especially evident to our perceptions, as it has stimulated the policy of preparing the means while lying in wait for a pretext to absorb the coveted northern seaboard, under the present national control of belgium, holland, denmark, and russia. flattered by the prestige she has gained from consolidation, she forgets that her gallic achievement was solely dependent upon fortuitous circumstances. with a mind capable of commanding unity of action, france would prove more than her equal in the battle field, of which the elder bonaparte gave evidence in controlling the powers of europe. you will perceive by the tendency of this prelude that we are fully prepared for the propositions contained in your autographic letter, which will of itself attest to our protective right of espionage, and will render it:—
289kaiserlant, aug., 187-.
my dear hollydorf, you will be pleased to hear that we hold the french disposition still handsomely in check, by fomentations skillfully applied by our prince of diplomats. but his mind is too expansive for the frivolity of cultivating the natural mushroom tendency of the celt for intestine irruption. more anon! we have a conception in the womb of the future! your discovery is truly astonishing! many of the scientific scarcely credit it! why not? it’s easy to believe if you only think so. a glance at alsace and lorraine for instance. will the manatitlans acknowledge fealty to prussia in recognition of our rights of priority? push the dosch gently on the subject. it will be of advantage to the dosch to subscribe for our protection, as we shall soon assume the leading role of europe, which england can’t gainsay. you are authorized to act as our vice-imperator for the execution of a protectorate annexation. in case of obduracy how large a force of our veterans would you require for their subjugation? answer in your next. the prince advises expectant treatment, with such placebos as your better knowledge of the characteristics of their blind side may suggest. as the giantescoes could be made especially useful in diplomacy and warlike operations, which with our progressive enterprise may soon occur, the enlistment of two or more corps would enable us to anticipate the moves of the enemy. the prince thinks it advisable to enlist a corps that understands the french language, as we are obliged to keep a sharp eye in that direction. we have also thought it advisable to keep the discovery a secret among ourselves for the present. ask the dosch if he can approximate in calculation the number of our animalculan subjects in prussia, and learn where their chief cities are located! would it not be well to have an animalculan survey of the empire, under 290manatitlan engineers, for its topographical division into departments? you have, by the advice of the prince, been enrolled as a candidate for the honors of knighthood, and will hereafter be designated as the count palatine of heraclea, and viceroy of manatitla. the king herald of the royal commandery only awaits the transmission of their national escutcheons for incorporation with the prussian, and quarterings of your family, before the announcement of your full investment and title will be proclaimed. the prince of diplomats advises gentle dissimulation in the inceptive stages of your negotiations with the manatitlans; and in the second insinuations with non-committal or evasive attachments; and boldness when fully prepared to offer your ultimatum. this plan worked admirably with the french, who are probably far more accomplished in the diplomatic art than the manatitlans. if you had experienced the advantages of a married life, you could better appreciate the benefits of the preparatory stages proposed, from their successful adaptability for the quiet management of domestic affairs. we shall anticipate with increased interest the arrival of your next letters. please present the kaiser pipe to dr. baāhar with its accompanying sack of latakia and shiraz ammunition, as its smoke will aid him in resurrecting many interesting items from the ruins of old heraclea. the gift you can render more acceptable by an appropriate presentation speech, at the close of a public banquet given at our expense. if you think it will enhance the acceptability of the gift, you can allude to its dedication by my own and the lips of the prince, which will be sure to impart to him a politic shrewdness that will outwit the jesuits.
your kaiser.
m. hollydorf acknowledged with a flush of shame the correctness of the dosch’s verbatim rendering of 291the kaiser letter. but the dosch rallied him with the assurance that the effort was above the general average of the kind, and really acceptable as an aid in demonstrating the indifference of potentates for the real welfare of their subjects. “if,” he urged, “newton, humboldt, arago, and other scientific celebrities, had occupied but half of the time in study for the practical relief of their race from the potential rule of selfishness, that they devoted to theories strained from debris gleanings of earth’s attritions, from counter elementary action, they would have secured in grateful reciprocation an ever enduring immortality, that would have lived with the endowment of their living impression, in the current of affection, to the garnered end of the allotted term of mortal representation. instead of using their gigantic endowments for the development of man’s knowledge of himself, in privileged relation to creative design, for the fulfillment of indications vouchsafed for his affectionate direction, they endeavored to illuminate the precedental path of irrational delusions, and left their immense labors, under the seal of acknowledged greatness, as barren of sympathy for immortal direction, as the sands of sahara are for the support of the arab wanderer. we do not disclaim the collateral benefits to be derived from the cultivation of practical “science,” but to devote one’s energies to exhuming relics, tracing glacial tracks, chasing butterflies and other insects, for capture, without other motive than for classification and the gratification of curiosity, is as void of beneficial result as the youthful gigas’ antiquarian search for postage stamps. the obstinate perseverance of the scotch animalculans in imitating the fanatical absurdities of their giga exemplars, has become proverbial with our manatitlan colonists, who render it “scratching for miracles to cure evils of easy prevention.” a reputation founded solely upon entomological pursuits will deservedly prove as 292short lived, and lack-worthy of sympathy, as the ancient family hunts of the gaels, who left a breeding cause for wasted time spent in the pursuit of their bodies’ parasitic foes, when with ease they could have rid themselves of the pests, and added to their comfort by cleanliness. in our aerial study of botanical adaptation, we have observed the date palm, indigenous to the eastern shores of the mediterranean, growing at the mouths of all the large american rivers of tropical latitudes, corresponding with the current streams of the ocean setting from the strait of gibraltar. in mexico and yucatan, the date palm grows as luxuriantly, and yields as abundantly in exotic transplantation as under the favoring influences of native soil and climate. even in the latifundium with its exalted altitude, you will observe that with cultivation it yields fruit of a quality far superior to the egyptian, and has in reality proved the bread of life to the heracleans. now if the scientific of your race would but study these vicarious indications of nature for transplanting increase, and cultivate them in extension with intelligent zeal for affectionate bestowal, war, and its indigent charity sequence of doles, would forever pass away from the surplant of confiding love. but your race are now so wedded to the fruits of precedentalism, that if you, on your return to the haunts of civilization, should attempt to promulgate your present happy thoughts, without forestalling them with the substantial relation of your animalculan discovery of the manatitlan race, your own relatives would denounce you as lunatic utopiasts.”
