although it is june, the little child about whom i shall sometimes write in these pages this morning brought me a few violets. june violets. they sound unconvincing and even sentimental. however, here they are in their vase; and they are all white but one.
"only one blue one," said little child, regretfully; "may must be 'most dead by mistake."
"don't the months die as soon as they go away?" i asked her, and a little shocked line troubled her forehead.
"oh, no," she said; "they never die at all. they wait and show the next months how."
so this year's may is showing june how. as if one should have a kind of pre-self, who kept on, after one's birth, and told one what to live and what not to live. i wish that i had had a pre-self and that it had kept on with me to show me how. it is what one's mother is, only one is so occupied in[pg 2] being one's born self that one thinks of her worshipfully as one's mother instead. but this young june seems to be chiefly may, and i am glad: for of all the months, may is to me most nearly the essence of time to be. in may i have always an impulse to date my letters "to-morrow," for all the enchantment of the usual future seems come upon me. the other months are richly themselves, but may is all the great premonitory zest come true; it is expectation come alive; it is the then made now. conservatively, however, i date my may letters merely "to-morrow," and it is pleasant to find a conservative estimate which no one is likely to exceed. for i own that though there is a conservatism which is now wholly forbidden to me, yet i continue to take in it a sensuous, stolen pleasure, such as i take in certain ceremonies; and i know that if i were wholly pagan, extreme conservatism would be my chief indulgence.
this yet-may morning, then, i have been down in the village, gardening about the streets. my sort of gardening. as in spring another looks along the wall for her risen phlox and valley-lilies, or for the upthrust of the annuals, so after my year's absence i peered round this wall and that for faces and things in the renascence of recognition, or in the pleasant importance of having just been born. many a gate and fa?ade and well-house, of which in my absence i[pg 3] have not thought even once, has not changed a whit in consequence. and when changes have come, they have done so with the prettiest preening air of accomplishment: "we too," they say, "have not been idle."
thus the streets came unrolling to meet me and to show me their treasures: my neighbour's new screened-in porch "with a round extension so to see folks pass on the cross street"; in the house in which i am to live a former blank parlour wall gravely regarding me with a magnificent new plate glass eye; daphne street, hitherto a way of sand, now become a thing of proud macadam; the corner catalpas old enough to bloom; a white frame cottage rising like a domestic venus from a once vacant lot of foam-green "timothy"; a veranda window-box acquired, like a bright bow-knot at its house's throat; and, farther on, the herons' freshly laid cement sidewalk, a flying heron stamped on every block. i fancy they will have done that with the wooden heron knocker which in the kitchen their grandfather heron himself carved on sleepless nights. ("six hundred and twenty hours of grandpa heron's life hanging on our front door," his son's wife said; "i declare i feel like that bird could just about lay.") to see all these venturesome innovations, these obscure and pleasant substitutions, is to be greeted by the very annuals of this little garden as a real [pg 4]gardener in green lore might be signalled, here by a trembling of new purple and there by a yellow marching line of little volunteers.
i do not miss from their places many friends. in this house and that i find a new family domiciled and to be divined by the subtle changes which no old tenant would ever have made: the woodpile in an unaccustomed place, the side shed door disused and strung for vines, a wagon now kept by a north and south space once sacred to the sweet-pea trench. here a building partly ruined by fire shows grim, returned to the inarticulate, not evidently to be rebuilt, but to be accepted, like any death. but these variations are the exception, and only one variation is the rule, and against that one i have in me some special heritage of burning. i mean the felling of the village trees. we have been used wantonly to sacrifice to the base and the trivial, trees already stored with years of symmetry when we of these midlands were the intruders and not they—and i own that for me the time has never wholly passed. they disturb the bricks in our walks, they dishevel our lawns with twigs, they rot the shingles on our barns. it has seemed to occur to almost nobody to pull down his barn instead. but of late we, too, are beginning to discern, so that when in the laying of a sidewalk we meet a tree who was there before we were anywhere at all, though we may not yet[pg 5] recognize the hamadryad, we do sacrifice to her our love of a straight line, and our votive offering is to give the tree the walk—such a slight swerving is all the deference she asks!—and in return she blesses us with balms and odours.... for me these signs of our mellowing are more delightful to experience than might be the already-made quietudes of a nation of effected and distinguished standards. i have even been pleased when we permit ourselves an elemental gesture, though i personally would prefer not to be the one to have made the gesture. and this is my solace when with some inquisitioner i unsuccessfully intercede for a friend of mine—an isolated silver cottonwood, or a royally skirted hemlock: verily, i say, it was so that we did here in the old days when there were forests to conquer, and this good inquisitioner has tree-taking in his blood as he has his genius for toil. and i try not to remember that if in america we had had plane trees, we should almost certainly have cut them into cabins.... but this morning even the trees that i missed could not make me sad. no, nor even the white crape and the bunch of garden flowers hanging on a street door which i passed. all these were as if something elementary had happened, needless wounds, it might be, on the plan of things, contortions which science has not yet bred away, but, as truly as the natural death from age, eloquent of[pg 6] the cosmic persuading to shape in which the nations of quietude and we of strivings are all in fellowship.
in fellowship! i think that in this simple basic emotion lies my joy in living in this, my village. here, this year long, folk have been adventuring together, knowing the details of one another's lives, striving a little but companioning far more than striving, kindling to one another's interests instead of practising the faint morality of mere civility; and i love them all—unless it be only that little mrs. oliver wheeler johnson, newly come to friendship; and perhaps my faint liking for her arises from the fact that she has not yet lived here long enough to be understood, as friendship village understands. the ways of these primal tribal bonds are in my blood, for from my heart i felt what my neighbour felt when she told me of the donation party which the whole village has just given to lyddy ember:—
"i declare," she said, "it wasn't so much the stuff they brought in, though that was all elegant, but it was the togetherness of it. i couldn't get to sleep that night for thinkin' about god not havin' anybody to neighbour with."
it was no wonder, therefore, that when in the middle of daphne street my neighbour met me this morning, for the first time since my return, and held out her arms, i walked straight into them. here is the secret, as more of us know than have the[pg 7] wisdom to acknowledge: fellowship, comradeship, kinship—call it what you will. my neighbour and i will understand.
"i heard you was here," my neighbour said—bless her, her voice trembled. i suppose there never was such a compliment as that tremor of her voice.
i am afraid that i am not going to tell what else she said. but it was all about our coming to friendship village to live; and that is a thing which, as i feel about it, should be set to music and sung in the wind—where thoreau said that some apples are to be eaten. as for me, i nodded at my neighbour, and could do no more than that—as is the custom of mortals when they are face to face with these sorceries of return and meeting and being together.
i am not yet wonted to the sweetness of our coming to friendship village to live, the stranger and i. here they still call him the stranger; and this summer, because of the busts and tablets which he must fashion in many far places, so do i. have i said that that stranger of mine is a sculptor? he is. but if anyone expects me to write about him, i tell you that it is impossible. save this: that since he came out of the mist one morning on the plank road here in friendship village, we two have kept house in the world, shared in the common welfare,[pg 8] toiled as we might for the common good, observed the stars, and thanked god. and this: that since that morning, it is as if someone had picked us up and set us to music and sung us to the universal piping. and we remember that once we were only words, and that sometime we shall be whatever music is when it is free of its body of sound, and for that time we strive. but i repeat that these vagrant notes are not about this great stranger, absent on his quests of holy soul prisoned in this stone and that marble, nor yet about our life together. rather, i write about our family, which is this loved town of ours. for we have bought oldmoxon house, and here, save for what flights may be about and over-seas, we hope that we may tell our days to their end.
my neighbour had both my hands, there in the middle of daphne street, and the white horse of the post-office store delivery wagon turned out for us as if he knew.
"if i'd thought of seeing you out so early i'd have put on my other hat," my neighbour said, "but i'm doing up berries, an' i just run down for some rubbers for my cans. land, fruit-jar rubbers ain't what they used to be, are they? one season an' they lay down life. i could jounce up an' down i'm so glad to see you. i heard you'd been disappointed gettin' somebody to help you with your writin'.[pg 9] i heard the girl that was comin' to help you ain't comin' near."
my secretary, it is true, has disappointed me, and she has done the disappointing by telegraph. i had almost said, publicly by telegraph. but i protest that i would rather an entire village should read my telegrams and rush to the rescue, than that a whole city should care almost nothing for me or my telegrams either. and if you please, i would rather not have that telegram-reading criticised.
"well," said my neighbour, with simplicity, "i've got you one. she'll be up to talk to you in a day or two—i saw to that. it's miggy. she can spell like the minister."
i had never heard of miggy, but i repeated her name with something of that sense of the inescapable to which the finality of my neighbour impressed me. as if i were to have said, "so, then, it is to be miggy!" or was it something more than that? perhaps it was that miggy's hour and mine had struck. at all events, i distinctly felt what i have come to call the emotion of finality. i suppose that other people have it: that occasional prophetic sense which, when a thing is to happen, expresses this futurity not by words, but by a consciousness of—shall i say?—brightness; a mental area of clearness; a quite definite physical emotion of yes-ness. but if the thing will not happen this says[pg 10] itself by a complementary apprehension of dim, down-sloping, vacant negation. i have seldom known this divination to fail me—though i am chary of using it lest i use it up! and then i do not always wish to know. but this morning my emotion of finality prevailed upon me unaware: i knew that it would be miggy.
"what a curious name," i said, in a manner of feebly fending off the imminent; "why miggy?" for it seemed to me one of those names instead of which any other name would have done as well and perhaps better.
"her name is margaret," my neighbour explained, "and her mother was a real lady that come here from off and that hard work killed her because she was a lady. the father was bound there shouldn't be any lady about miggy, but he couldn't seem to help himself. margaret was her mother's name and so he shaved it and shrunk it and strained it down to miggy. 'no frills for nobody,' was his motto, up to his death. miggy and her little sister lives with her old aunt effie that dress-makes real french but not enough to keep 'em alive on. miggy does odd jobs around. so when i heard about your needin' somebody, i says to myself, 'miggy!'—just like i've said it to you."
it was not the name, as a name, which i would[pg 11] have said could be uppermost in my mind as i walked on that street of june—that may was helping to make fair. and i was annoyed to have the peace of my return so soon invaded. i fell wondering if i could not get on, as i usually do, with no one to bother. i have never wanted a helper at all if i could avoid it, and i have never, never wanted a helper with a personality. a personality among my strewn papers puts me in a fever of embarrassment and misery. once such an one said to me in the midst of a chapter: "madame, i'd like to ask you a question. what do you think of your hero?" in an utter rout of confusion i owned that i thought very badly of him, indeed; but i did not add the truth, that she had effectually drugged him and disabled me for at least that day. my taste in helpers is for one colourless, noiseless, above all intonationless, usually speechless, and always without curiosity—some one, save for the tips of her trained fingers, negligible. as all this does sad violence to my democratic passions, i usually prefer my negligible self. so the idea of a miggy terrified me, and i said to myself that i would not have one about. as i knew the village, she was not of it. she was not a part of my gardening. she was no proper annual. she was no doubt merely a showy little seedling, chance sown in the village.... but all the time, moving within me, was that serene area of[pg 12] brightness, that clear certainty that, do what i could, it would still be miggy.
... it is through this faint soothsaying, this conception which is partly of sight and partly of feeling, that some understanding may be won of the orchestration of the senses. i am always telling myself that if i could touch at that fluent line where the senses merge, i should occasionally find there that silent custodian who is myself. i think, because emotion is so noble, that the custodian must sometimes visit this line where the barrier between her and me is so frail. her presence seems possible to me only for a moment, only, it may be, for the fraction of a second in which i catch the romance, the idea of something old and long familiar. and when this happens, i say: she has just been there, between the seeing and the feeling, or between the seeing and the knowing. often i am sure that i have barely missed her. but i am never quick enough to let her know....
when i finished my walk and stepped under the poplars before my gate, i caught a faint exclamation. it was that little child, who had been waiting for me on my doorstep and came running to meet me and bring me the violets. when she saw me, she said, "oh!" quickly and sweetly in her throat, and, as i stood still to taste the delight of having her run toward me, i felt very sorry for every one who has[pg 13] not heard that involuntary "oh!" of a child at one's coming. little child and i have met only once before, and that early this morning, at large, on the village street, as spirits met in air, with no background of names nor auxiliary of exchange of names; but we had some talk which for me touched on eternal truth and for her savoured of story-telling; and we are friends. so now when she gave me the violets and explained to me who was showing june how, i accepted this fair perception of the motherhood of may, this childish discernment of the familyhood of things, and,
"will you come some day soon to have another story?" i asked her.
"prob'ly i can," said little child. "i'll ask miggy."
"miggy! but is it your miggy, too?" i demanded.
"it's my sister," said little child, nodding.
i thought that the concreteness of her reply to my ill-defined query was almost as if she remembered how to understand without words. you would think that children would need to have things said out, but they are evidently closer to a more excellent way.
so when i entered the house just now, i brought in with me a kind of premonitory miggy, one of those ghostly, anticipatory births which we are [pg 14]constantly giving to those whom we have not met. as if every one had for us a way of life without the formality of being seen. as if we are a big, near family whether we want to be so or not. verily, it is not only may and june, or little child and miggy, who are found unexpectedly to be related; it is the whole world, it seems, and he is wise who quickens to many kinships. i like to think of the comrade company that already i have found here: june and little child and miggy-to-be and my neighbour and daphne street and the remembered faces of the village and the hamadryads. i think that i include the very herons in the cement sidewalk. like a kind of perpetual gift it is, this which my neighbour called togetherness.
