dinners formal and informal
invitations and how to answer them—telephone invitations—hints for the young hostess—dress for men and for women—entering and leaving the dining-room—etiquette of the formal dinner—when to arrive and when to leave—dressing-rooms—dinner-calls.
an engraved card is now used for the invitations to a formal dinner, spaces being left blank for the day, hour, and name of guest, as for instance:
mr. and mrs. george hazleton
request the pleasure of
mr. and mrs. thomas allen’s
company at dinner
on thursday, april the ninth, at eight o’clock
thirty-three hamilton place
the invitations are given in the name of husband and wife. a widow living with a grown-up son would add his name, as a widower would that of a daughter in society.
dinner invitations may be written in the third person, or for an informal occasion in the first. small sheets of perfectly plain white note-paper of the best quality, with envelopes to match, are always good form. in a democratic country crests are in questionable taste, although some persons use them, embossed in white. the address is often engraved in small and simple lettering at the top of the page.
in the gay season in a large city, invitations to a formal dinner are sent out two weeks or more beforehand. in washington the guests are sometimes invited a month in advance. for an informal occasion a week or less suffices. invitations by telephone are now extremely popular, but they have some decided disadvantages. the person invited, being suddenly held up at the point of a gun, as it were, is likely to forget some other engagement for the same day and hour, or she may feel constrained to accept when she would prefer to decline. as she has no written record of the invitation, it may slip her memory. hence hostesses who are very exact send a note, in addition to speaking to their friends over the telephone. it is, of course, extremely convenient to do this when engagements must be made at short notice. a hostess desiring to arrange a dinner or other occasion in honor of a certain guest, may ascertain over the telephone whether he can come on a certain evening, and then invite other friends to meet him.
the answer to an invitation to dinner should be sent as promptly as possible, within twenty-four hours at the latest. as husband and wife are always invited together, except to a stag dinner, so both must either accept or send regrets. it is not good form for one to go without the other, unless to the house of a near relation or an intimate friend. an exception is sometimes made to this rule in the case of a married couple of widely divergent tastes. thus a literary man who is fond of society may have a wife who does not like to dine out, or whose health does not permit her to do so. if he is a very agreeable and popular person, it soon comes to be understood among their friends that he will accept invitations while his wife cannot. although this dispensation is occasionally granted to men and women of unusual charm and ability, the average citizen is expected to adhere strictly to the rule given above.
the answer to a dinner invitation must also be definite and exact. if mrs. jones is uncertain whether or not she or her husband will be able to attend the dinner, she must send regrets for both. the answer should correspond in form with the invitation. “mr. and mrs. samuel jones regret very much their inability to accept the kind invitation of mr. and mrs. lloyd griswold for dinner on april eleventh,” or “regret extremely that a previous engagement prevents their accepting,” etc. the day and hour should be repeated in an acceptance, to guard against possible mistakes.
a dinner engagement must never be broken except in case of sickness or death. should one fall ill or be obliged for any imperative reason to withdraw the acceptance of the invitation, the hostess should be notified at once in order that she may if possible fill the place left vacant. for men the proper costume for late dinner (at six o’clock or after) is regulation evening dress—i.e., black swallow-tail coat, with trousers to match, low-cut white waistcoat, white dress-shirt, white lawn tie, pumps or patent-leather shoes, and black socks. some men, especially those of the older generation, still follow the earlier fashion which prescribed a black waistcoat. the latter is also worn with mourning costume. at stag dinners and small informal occasions the dinner-jacket replaces the swallow-tail coat and is accompanied by a plain black-silk tie. this must be freshly fastened whenever worn. a “made” tie of any sort is considered among men to be in direct violation of all rules of social decorum. we do not pretend to understand why, but it is one of the unalterable laws of masculine etiquette. a white waistcoat is never worn with a dinner-jacket. for a formal dinner the proper costume for women is a low-necked evening gown, with sleeves either very short or of the length required by the fashion prevailing at the moment. it is by no means necessary that the bodice should be extremely décolleté. long gloves, white or delicately tinted, dress-slippers, and silk stockings complete the costume. the foot-gear may match the dress or it may be white or black. ornaments may be worn in the hair, varying with the fashion of the day. elderly women often substitute a dress cut out slightly at the neck, with elbow or transparent sleeves, for the regulation décolleté gown. those who catch cold very easily have their dresses cut accordingly.
for an informal dinner the usual costume in america is of the sort just described. young women select light colors as a rule. velvets, heavy brocades, and similar materials appropriate for matrons are out of place in the toilette of young girls. those who follow the english fashion wear décolleté costume whether they dine at home or abroad. the custom is by no means general in this country, however.
one should arrive at the hour named in the invitation or five minutes later. in the city it is a decided mistake to come earlier, as the hostess may not be ready to receive her friends. doubtless she should be, but the fact remains that in the rush and hurry of town life she sometimes does not descend to the drawing-room until the last moment. guests coming from a distance may find it difficult to calculate exactly the time required to make the trip to the house of the hostess. in this case, a lady arriving before the time would explain the matter to the person opening the door. she might say: “please do not disturb mrs. so-and-so. i know that i am too early, and will wait in the drawing-room until she is ready to receive her friends.” in the country, where people do not have so many engagements and where the means of communication are slower and less certain, guests often arrive a little before the hour named, thinking this better than to risk being late and so causing the hostess inconvenience.
a dressing-room should be provided for the ladies. this should contain a mirror and dressing-table furnished with brush and comb, pins, hair-pins, and other small accessories of the feminine toilette. a maid is usually in attendance to assist in the removal of wraps. a second room may be arranged for the men, or they may leave their coats and hats in the hall. they also will need a mirror, and a man-servant may help them to take off and later to put on their overshoes and greatcoats. at a formal dinner each man receives a diminutive envelope containing a card with the name of the lady whom he is to take in to dinner. this may be handed to him on a salver by the butler or the waitress when he arrives, or he may find it in the dressing-room. according to a novel method, the envelope is omitted and a square card made to double into a long shape is used. on the inside are engraved the words:
will you kindly escort
........................................
to dinner?
the hostess fills in the name of the lady and puts that of the gentleman on the outside.
mr. ward mcallister tells us in his book that this is a boston fashion, and that the new york hostesses of his day were returning to the old method “of assigning the guests in the drawing-room.” while the last-mentioned way is to be preferred for small and informal dinners, cards are convenient for ceremonious functions. a bashful young man suggests to us that they have the advantage of giving the gentleman a few minutes to think over what he shall say to his dinner-partner before he goes up to speak to her.
it is no longer the custom to enter the drawing-room arm-in-arm. a gentleman waits until the ladies of his party appear at the door of their dressing-room, and then follows them into the drawing-room. here the host and hostess should be standing in readiness to give their guests a cordial welcome. the gentleman very soon seeks the lady whom he is to take into dinner. if he is not acquainted with her he asks the host or hostess to present him. on a less formal occasion there would be no cards, the lady of the house asking each man to take in a certain lady.
the cook should be told beforehand at what hour the dinner will be served. this is usually fifteen minutes after that named in the invitations. the butler or waitress should also be informed of the number of guests expected, in order that he or she may not announce dinner until all have arrived. the hostess herself must decide whether to wait beyond the quarter of an hour for a tardy guest or to order dinner served. in justice to the friends already assembled she will not in any event delay long.
when all is in readiness the butler or waitress advances a little way into the room, saying in a low voice, “dinner is served.” if the dining-room is next door, it suffices to draw the portières or open the folding-doors. at a formal dinner the host offers his right arm to the wife of the guest of honor, and with her leads the way to the table. the other couples all follow arm-in-arm, the hostess coming last with the most distinguished man present or with the one for whom the dinner is given. in official circles in washington, as in european society, the question of precedence is a very serious one. the hosts must arrange with great care the procession to the dining-room, in order that each person may have his proper place. in other american cities and towns the rules are much less strict. the younger make way for the older, and married women take precedence of single ones.
if the guests are invited to meet a married couple, the host will take in the wife, seating her at his right, and the hostess will go in with the husband, who will sit at her right. a bride is usually awarded the place of honor, a clergyman and his wife receiving similar recognition. a hostess sometimes enters the dining-room with the man who is to sit on her left—the second most honorable place. each gentleman assists in seating the lady under his charge, unless this office is performed by a servant. if a clergyman is present he is usually asked to say grace. on sitting down at table the ladies remove their gloves and endeavor not to drop them upon the floor. since a silken lap is very slippery, it is difficult to prevent this. men, however, rather dislike being obliged to dive head foremost under the table in order to recover fan, handkerchief, or gloves for the thoughtless fair. the large dinner-napkin is partially unfolded and spread out over the knees, not tucked into a buttonhole.
the table is covered with a white damask cloth of the best quality. according to the present fashion, the centerpiece should be white. it may be of lace or embroidery, but never of a material that will not wash. a lace or lace-trimmed cloth showing the bare table around the edges is sometimes used for dinner. the arrangement and decoration are much the same as at a lunch-party. since dinner is the most formal of all meals, the hostess uses her handsomest silver, glass, and china, as well as an abundance of beautiful flowers.
bread-and-butter plates are banished from the table. at a formal dinner butter does not appear, the theory being that the flavoring and sauces make it unnecessary. if it is used it should be passed from the sideboard, and a small individual butter-plate set at the left of each place. here also are two or three forks, with the tines turned up. at the right are laid a dinner-knife, a silver fish-knife (if one will be required), a tablespoon or soup-spoon, and a tumbler or goblet. the napkin, containing a roll or thick piece of bread, is put on the empty or “place” plate or at the right. the little fork for raw oysters is put here also instead of on the left with the other forks. if wine is to be served the glass or glasses are set beside the water-goblet.
the publication by the insurance companies of tables showing that even a moderate use of alcohol tends to shorten life has given additional impetus to the temperance movement. the great growth of this is damaging to the interests of the dealers in wine. it is amusing to find that certain frenchmen regard it as a dark conspiracy formed in the interests of the dealers in mineral waters. whether this charge is true or not, it is certain that the use of wine at dinners has greatly diminished in the united states. cocktails are sometimes offered in the drawing-room as a substitute for wine at dinner. if ladies are among the guests, these should be made very mild. it is perfectly proper to decline them, or indeed wine in any form. where this is not served, whiskey and water may be offered to the men. to foreigners who are accustomed to taking wine with their dinner, it is a privation to go without it. a host who is entertaining foreign guests should bear this in mind, even if he himself is a teetotaler. a nice question of ethics here arises. if a man thinks it wicked to offer wine to any one, should he feel obliged to place it on his table? each person must answer this according to the dictates of his own conscience.
according to the old rule, sherry is the wine served with soup, claret and champagne with the roast. some hosts offer their guests hock or sauterne with the soup, and champagne later in the meal. others give claret or champagne alone. the last-named should be cooled on ice. a napkin is fastened around the neck of the bottle, since this is apt to be wet. claret and burgundy sometimes need to be warmed slightly, as their temperature should approximate that of the room. sherry, madeira, port are always, and claret usually, put into decanters. it was formerly the custom to set these on the table; but at ceremonious dinners wine is now served from the sideboard.
no menu-cards are used at private houses. a name-card is set at each place. according to present fashion, this should contain no ornament except the crest or initials of the hostess done in gold, with edges to match. at a recent dinner at the house of a bishop the device on the name-card was a miter. decorative designs are reserved for anniversary dinners and other special occasions. celery, olives, radishes, and other hors d’?uvres are usually relegated to the side-table at a formal dinner.
the bill of fare for a dinner or a luncheon is much shorter than formerly. it is no longer thought in good taste to emulate the heavy feasts of the ancient romans. many people now hesitate to eat raw oysters, since they sometimes convey typhoid-fever germs. canapés may replace them as a first course, or little neck clams, grape-fruit, or other fruit in its season may be used. if oysters are served, five or six are arranged in each plate, with a piece of lemon in the center. it is now thought best to bring these in fresh from the ice-chest, after the company have sat down to table. the oyster-plate is set on the place-plate—i.e., on the one already in place—when the guests sit down at table. the latter is not taken away at the conclusion of the course, but remains as a basis for the soup-plate. tureens are no longer used, the soup being served from the pantry. the plates should be only partly filled. a careful servant can manage one in each hand, but it is thought more elegant to have them brought to the table one at a time. after the removal of the soup the place-plates remain, and are used for the hors d’?uvres. these sometimes precede the soup course. the fish comes next, hot plates being used for this as for all the hot courses. since fish is rather tasteless, it is often accompanied by a sauce or by cucumbers or tomatoes with french dressing. potatoes also are served with fish. an entrée now follows, and is succeeded by the pièce de résistance, or principal meat course. with the lightening of the bill of fare, filet of beef is less used for this than formerly, saddle of mutton, spring lamb, or turkey being favorite dishes. according to modern custom, only one or at the utmost two vegetables are served with one course.
roman punch is now reserved for public dinners. the game course with salad comes next; but here again we see a change, since lettuce, celery, or other vegetable salad may now be served with cheese and crackers or bread-and-butter, the game being omitted. after the salad the table is cleared off, the salt-cellars and pepper-pots being removed on a tray covered with a napkin. the crumbs are brushed off with a folded napkin, or on less formal occasions with a silver crumb-scraper.
the dessert now follows, for which the handsomest plates are reserved. these are protected by pretty ornamental doilies, on which are placed finger-bowls partly filled with lukewarm water. a flower or a fragrant leaf or two may float on its surface. a glass plate is often set under the finger-bowl. the latter should be promptly removed and set on one side in order not to delay the service. some authorities say that the silver knife, fork, and spoon should not be placed on the dessert-plate when the servant hands this, but should be laid on the table at either side of it. if they are put on the plate each person removes them at the same time as the finger-bowl. the ices are then passed, the molds being sufficiently cut through beforehand to enable the guest to help himself readily. if the individual form is used, one is set before each person. cake accompanies the ice-cream, which is eaten from the glass plate. the latter is then removed by the servant, while the guest takes off the doilies, leaving the china plate in readiness for the fruit course. few persons take any of this at a long dinner, unless it be three or four grapes. bonbons also are handed at this time.
the lady at the right hand of the host must now be on the lookout for the signal to rise, which the hostess will convey to her by a look or slight nod. at a formal dinner the gentlemen sometimes escort the ladies back to the drawing-room, the couples going arm-in-arm. after seeing their partners comfortably seated, the men excuse themselves by a bow and return to the dining-room or repair to the smoking-room, where coffee, cigars, and liqueurs are served. sometimes the men simply rise from the table when the ladies do, and remain standing until the latter have passed out. a servant opens the door or holds back the portière, or, if none is in the room at the moment, the gentleman nearest the entrance performs this duty.
tiny cups of strong black coffee accompanied by sugar, and sometimes by cream, are handed on a tray to the ladies in the drawing-room. sometimes the servant takes in the silver coffee-pot and asks each person if she will have a cup, filling it for her if she desires. one or two kinds of cordial are offered, the servant asking the ladies in turn which kind they prefer, and then pouring it into tiny liqueur-glasses. cigarettes are offered to the women at some houses, although the custom is by no means general. many american hostesses dislike very much to see members of their own sex use tobacco, considering this in bad taste.
later in the evening apollinaris or other sparkling waters may be brought in. the men rejoin the ladies in the drawing-room after a short interval of time. music, recitations, or other form of entertainment may be given for the amusement of the company. dancing is now popular at all hours, and people who are fond of cards finish the evening with bridge or some other game. if the hosts have not arranged any after-dinner programme, the guests take their leave about half an hour after the men have returned to the drawing-room. there is no absolute rule about this, as much depends on the lateness of the hour. if some of those present are “going on” to a dance or a reception, they will excuse themselves as soon as they can without appearing brusque or discourteous to their hosts. according to modern rule, a dinner should not last more than an hour and a half. if the guests sit down to table at a quarter-past eight and arise from it at a quarter before ten o’clock, the hour for departure would be somewhere between half-past ten and eleven o’clock. the custom of waiting until the lady who is the guest of honor has taken her leave is growing in favor. this makes it incumbent on her not to linger too long, lest she should inadvertently detain others who desire to go.
one of the most important duties of the diner-out is to talk and to listen to his next-door neighbors. at a small dinner the conversation may become general, but where a great many guests are seated at a large table, this is hardly possible. some charming talker to whom it would be delightful to listen may sit opposite to you, or two or three places away. if you should yield to the temptation and neglect your dinner-partner, or, still worse, if you should talk across her to the more interesting guest, you would be committing a breach of good manners. at a large and formal dinner, the hostess talks first to the man on her right hand and later to the one on her left. the guests follow her example, turning to speak to the other neighbor soon after she does. this is called “the turning of the table.”
if one has received an invitation to dinner, it is necessary to call in person within one or two weeks after the event. this rule applies to other invitations also, but it is construed with special strictness in the case of a dinner. in new york, with its immense distances, a busy man may be unable to make the “visit of digestion” within a fortnight. in this case he should send his card by mail and call when he can command the time. men now pay visits in the late afternoon, at five or six o’clock, formal evening calls having gone out of fashion in the large cities.
