j'ai peur d'avril, peur de l'émoi
qu'éveille sa douceur touchante.
sully prudhomme.
april had come round again; and, like m. sully prudhomme, gertrude was afraid of april.
as fanny had remarked to frank, the month had very painful associations for them all; but gertrude's terror was older than their troubles, and was founded, not on the recollection of past sorrow, so much as on the cruel hunger for a present joy. and now again, after all her struggles, her passionate care for others, her resolute putting away of all thoughts of personal[pg 143] happiness, now again the spring was stirring in her veins, and voices which she had believed silenced for ever arose once more in her heart and clamoured for a hearing.
often, before business hours, gertrude might be seen walking round regent's park at a swinging pace, exorcising her demons; she was obliged, as she said, to ride her soul on the curb, and be very careful that it did not take the bit between its teeth—this poor, weak gertrude, who seemed such a fountain-head of wisdom, such a tower of strength to the people among whom she dwelt.
at this period, also, she had had recourse, in the pauses of professional work, to her old consolation of literary effort, and had even sent some of her productions to paternoster row, with the same unsatisfactory results as of yore, she and frank uniting their voices in that bitter cry of the rejected contributor, which in these days is heard through the breadth and length of the land.
one morning she came into the studio after her walk, to find lucy engaged in focussing frank, who was seated, wearing[pg 144] an air of immense solemnity, in the sitter's chair. phyllis, meanwhile, hovered about, bestowing hints and suggestions on them both, secretly enjoying the quiet humour of the scene.
"it is mr. jermyn's birthday present," she announced, as gertrude entered. "he is going to send it to cornwall, which will be a nice advertisement for us."
frank blushed slightly; and lucy cried from beneath her black cloth, "don't get up, mr. jermyn; gertrude will excuse you, i am sure."
gertrude, laughing, retreated to the waiting-room; where, throwing herself into a chair, and leaning both her elbows on a rickety scarlet table, she stared vaguely at the little picture of youth and grace which the parted curtains revealed to her.
how could they be so cheerful, so heedless? cried her heart, with a sudden impatience. was this life, this ceaseless messing about in a pokey glass out-house, this eating and drinking and sleeping in the shabby london rooms?
was any human creature to be blamed who rebelled against it? did not flesh and blood cry out against such sordidness, with[pg 145] all the revel of the spring-time going on in the world beyond?
it is base and ignoble perhaps to scorn the common round, the trivial task, but is it not also ignoble and base to become so immersed in them as to desire nothing beyond?
"what mean thoughts i am thinking," cried gertrude to herself, shocked at her own mood; then, gazing mechanically in front of her, saw lucy disappear into the dark-room, and frank come forward with outstretched hand.
"at last i can say 'good-morning,' miss lorimer."
gertrude gave him her hand with a smile; jermyn's was a presence that somehow always cleared the moral atmosphere.
"you will never guess," said frank, "what i have brought you."
as he spoke, he drew from his pocket a number of the woodcut, damp from the press, and opening it at a particular page, spread it on the table before her.
phyllis, becoming aware of these proceedings, came across to the waiting-room and leaned over her sister's shoulder.
"oh, gerty, what fun."
[pg 146]
on one side of the page was a large wood-engraving representing four people on a lawn-tennis court. three of them were girls, in whom could be traced distinct resemblance to the three lorimers; while the fourth, a man, had about him an unmistakable suggestion of jermyn himself. the initials "f. j." were writ large in a corner of the picture, and on the opposite page were the following verses:—
what wonder that i should be dreaming[a]
out here in the garden to-day?
the light through the leaves is streaming;
paulina cries, "play!"
the birds to each other are calling;
the freshly-cut grasses smell sweet—
to teddy's dismay comes falling
the ball at my feet!
"your stroke should be over, not under."
"but that's such a difficult way!"
the place is a spring-tide wonder
of lilac and may.
of lilac and may and laburnam;
of blossom—"we're losing the set!
those volleys of jenny's, return them,
stand close to the net!"
[pg 147]
envoi.
you are so fond of the may-time,
my friend far away,
small wonder that i should be dreaming
of you in the garden to-day.
the verses were signed "g. lorimer"; and gertrude's eyes rested on them with the peculiar tenderness with which we all of us regard our efforts the first time that we see ourselves in print.
"how nice they look, gerty," cried phyllis. "and mr. jermyn's picture. but i think they have spoilt it a little in the engraving."
"it is rather a come down after charlotte corday, isn't it?" said gertrude, pleased yet rueful.
frank, who had been told the history of that unfortunate tragedy, answered rather wistfully—
"we have all to get off our high horse, miss lorimer, if we want to live. i had ten guineas this morning for that thing; and there is the death of ?dipus with its face to the wall in the studio—and likely to remain there, unless we run short of firewood one of these days."
"do you remember," said gertrude,[pg 148] "how warrington threw cold water on pendennis by telling him to stick to poems like the church porch and abandon his beloved ariadne in naxos?"
"yes," answered frank, "and i never could share warrington's—and presumably thackeray's—admiration for those verses."
"nor i," said gertrude, as lucy emerged triumphantly from the dark-room and announced the startling success of her negatives.
she was shown the wonderful poem, and the no less wonderful picture, and then phyllis said—
"don't gloat so over it, gerty." for gertrude was still sitting at the table absorbed in contemplation of the printed sheet spread out before her.
gertrude laughed and pushed the paper away; and lucy quoted gravely—
"'we all, the foolish and the wise,
regard our verse with fascination,
through asinine-paternal eyes,
and hues of fancy's own creation!'"
a vociferous little clock on the mantelpiece struck ten.
"i must be off," said frank; "there[pg 149] will be my model waiting for me. i am afraid i have wasted a great deal of your time this morning."
"no, indeed," said lucy, as gertrude rose and folded the seductive woodcut, with a get-thee-behind-me-satan air; "though i am glad to say we are quite busy."
"there are lord watergate's slides," added phyllis; "and mr. darrell's sketches to finish off; not to speak of possible chance-comers."
"how do you get on with darrell?" said frank, who seemed to have forgotten his model, and made no movement to go.
"he has only been here once," answered lucy, promptly; "but i like what i have seen of him."
"so do i," cried phyllis.
"and i," added frank.
in the face of this unanimity gertrude wisely held her peace.
"well then, good-bye," said frank, reluctantly holding out his hand to each in turn—to lucy, last. "i am dining out to-night and to-morrow, so shall not see you for an age, i suppose."
"gay person," said lucy, whose hand[pg 150] lingered in his; held there firmly, and without resistance on her part.
"it's a bore," cried frank, making wistful eyebrows, and looking at her very hard.
gertrude started, struck for the first time by something in the tone and attitude of them both. with a shock that bewildered her, she realised the secret of their mutual content; and, stirred up by this unconscious revelation, a conflicting throng of thoughts, images, and emotions arose within her.
gertrude worked like a nigger that day, which, fortunately for her state of mind, turned out an unusually busy one. lucy was industrious too, but went about her work humming little tunes, with a serenity that contrasted with her sister's rather feverish laboriousness. even phyllis condescended to lend a hand to the finishing off of the prints of sidney darrell's sketches.
all three were rather tired by the time they joined fanny round the supper-table, who, herself, presented a pathetic picture of ladylike boredom.
the meal proceeded for some time in[pg 151] silence, broken occasionally by a professional remark from one or other of them; then lucy said—
"you're not eating, fanny."
"i'm not hungry," answered fan, with an injured air.
she looked more like a superannuated baby than ever, with her pale eyebrows arched to her hair, and the corners of her small thin mouth drooped peevishly.
"this pudding isn't half bad, really, fan," said phyllis, good-naturedly, as she helped herself to a second portion. "i should advise you to try it."
fanny's under-lip quivered in a touchingly infantile manner, and, in another moment, splash! fell a great tear on the table-cloth.
"it's all very well to talk about pudding," she cried, struggling helplessly with the gurgling sobs. "to leave one alone all the blessed day, and not a word to throw at one when you do come upstairs, unless, if you please, it's 'pudding!' pudding!" went on fan, with contemptuous emphasis, and abandoning herself completely to her rising emotions. "you seem to take me for an idiot, all of you, who think yourselves so clever. what do you care how dull it is for[pg 152] me up here all day, alone from morning till night, while you are amusing yourselves below, or gadding about at gentlemen's studios."
"that sounds just like aunt caroline," said phyllis, in a stage-whisper; but lucy, rising, went round to her weeping sister, and, gathering the big, silly head, and wide moist face to her bosom, proceeded to administer comfort after the usual inarticulate, feminine fashion.
"fanny is right," cried gertrude, smitten with sudden remorse. "it is horribly dull for her, and we are very thoughtless."
"i am sorry i said anything about it," sobbed fanny; "but flesh and blood couldn't stand it any longer."
"you were quite right to tell us, fan. we have been horrid," cried lucy, as she gently led her from the room. "come upstairs with me, and lie down. you have not been looking well all the week."
in about ten minutes lucy re-appeared alone, to find the table cleared, and her sisters sewing by the lamplight.
"fan has gone to bed," she announced; "she was a little hysterical, and i persuaded her to undress."
[pg 153]
"it is dull for her, i know," said gertrude, really distressed; "but what is to be done?"
"and she has been so good all these months," answered lucy. "she has had none of the fun, and all the anxiety and pinching, and this is the first complaint we have heard from her."
"yes, she has come out surprisingly well through it all."
gertrude sighed as she spoke, secretly reproaching herself that there was not more love in her heart for poor fanny.
mrs. maryon appeared at this point to offer the young ladies her own copy of the waterloo place gazette, a little bit of neighbourly courtesy in which she often indulged, and which to-night was especially appreciated, as creating a diversion from an unpleasant topic.
"'a woman shot at turnham green,'" cried phyllis, glancing down a column of miscellaneous items, while the lamplight fell on her bent brown head. "'more fighting in africa.' ah, here's something interesting at last.—'we understand that the exhibition of mr. sidney darrell, a.r.a.'s pictures, to be held in the berkeley galleries, new bond street, will be opened to the public[pg 154] on the first of next month. the event is looked forward to with great interest in artistic circles, as the collection is said to include many works never before exhibited in london.' i shall go like a shot; sha'n't you, gerty?"
"yes, and slip little dynamite machines behind the pictures. let me look at that paper, phyllis."
phyllis pushed it towards her, and, as she took it up, her eye fell on the date of the month printed at the top of the page.
"do you know," she said, "that it is a year to-day that we finally decided on starting our business?"
"is it?" said lucy. "do you mean from that day when aunt caroline came and pitched into us all?"
"yes; and when mr. russel's letter appeared on the scene, just as we were thinking of rushing in a body to the nearest chemist's for laudanum."
"and when we made a lot of good resolutions; do you remember?" cried phyllis.
"what were they?" said gertrude. "one was, that we would be happy."
"well, i think we have kept that one at least," observed lucy, with decision.
[pg 155]
gertrude looked across at her sister rather wistfully, as she answered, "yes, on the whole. what was the other resolution? that we would not be cynical, was it not?"
"there hasn't been the slightest ground for cynicism; quite the other way," said lucy. "it is not much credit to us to have kept that resolution."
"oh, i don't know," observed phyllis, lightly; "some people have been rather horrid; have forgotten all about us, or not been nice. don't you remember, gerty, how gerald st. aubyn dodged round the corner at baker street the other day because he didn't care to be seen bowing to two shabby young women with heavy parcels? and, lucy, have you forgotten what you told us about jack sinclair, when you met him, travelling from the north? how he never took any notice of you, because you happened to be riding third class, and had your old gown on? jack, who used to make such a fuss about picking up one's pocket-handkerchief and opening the door for one."
"it seems to me," said gertrude, "that to think about those sort of things makes[pg 156] one almost as mean as the people who do them."
"and directly a person shows himself capable of doing them, why, it ceases to matter about him in the least," added lucy, with youthful magnificence.
gertrude was silent a moment, then said, with something of an effort: "let us direct our attention to the charming new people we have got to know. one gets to know them in such a much more pleasant way, somehow."
lucy bent her head over her work, hiding her flushed face as she answered, "that is the best of being poor; one's chances of artificial acquaintanceships are so much lessened. one gains in quality what one loses in quantity."
"how moral we are growing," cried phyllis. "we shall be quoting scripture next, and saying it is harder for the camel to get through the needle's eye, &c., &c."
gertrude laughed.
"there is another point to consider," she said. "i suppose you both know that we are not making our fortunes?"
"yes," answered lucy; "but, at the same time, the business has almost doubled itself in the course of the last three months."
[pg 157]
"that sounds more prosperous than it really is, lucy. if it hadn't done so, we should have had to think seriously of giving it up. and, as it is, we cannot be sure, till the end of the year, that we shall be able to hold on."
"you mean the end of the business year; next june?"
"yes; mr. russel is coming, and there is to be a great overhauling of accounts."
gertrude lay awake that night long after her sisters were asleep. her brief rebellious mood of the morning had passed away, and, looking back on the year behind her, she experienced a measure of the content which we all feel after something attempted, something done. that she had been brought face to face with the sterner side of life, had lost some illusions, suffered some pain, she did not regret. it seemed to her that she had not paid too great a price for the increased reality of her present existence.
she fell asleep, then woke at dawn with a low cry. she had been dreaming of lucy and frank; had seen their faces, as she had seen them the day before, bright with the glow of the light which never was on sea and land. oh, she had always known, nay,[pg 158] hoped, that this, or rather something akin to this, would come; yet sharp was the pang that ran through her at the recollection.
it had always seemed to her highly improbable that her sisters, portionless as they were, should remain unmarried. one day, she had always told herself, they would go away, and she and fanny would be left alone. she did not wish it otherwise. she had a feminine belief in love as the crown and flower of life; yet, as the shadow of the coming separation fell upon her, her spirit grew desolate and afraid; and, lying there in the chill grey morning, she wept very bitterly.
