we sat when shadows darken,
and let the shadows be;
each was a soul to hearken,
devoid of eyes to see.
you came at dusk to find me;
i knew you well enough. . . .
oh, lights that dazzle and blind me—
it is no friend, but love!
a. mary f. robinson.
hotel prince de galles, cannes,
april 27th.
my dearest gerty,—you shall have a letter to-day, though it is more than you deserve. why do you never write to me? now that you have safely married[pg 290] your young people, you have positively no excuse. by the by, the poor innocent mater read the announcement of the wedding out loud at breakfast to-day.—fred got crimson and choked in his coffee, and i had a silent fit of laughter. however, he is all right by now, playing tennis with a mature lady with yellow hair, whom he much affects, and whom papa scornfully denominates a "hotel hack."
all this, let me tell you, is preliminary. i have a piece of news for you, but somehow it won't come out. not that it is anything to be ashamed of. the fact is, gerty, i am going the way of all flesh, and am about to be married. believe me, it is the most sensible course for a woman to take. i hope you will follow my good example.
do you remember sapho's words: "j'ai tant aimé; j'ai besoin d'être aimée"? do not let the quotation shock you; neither take it too seriously, i think mr. graham—you know lawrence graham?—does care as caring goes and as men go. he came out here, on purpose, a fortnight ago, and yesterday we settled it between us....
gertrude read no further; the thin,[pg 291] closely-written sheet fell from her hand; she sat staring vaguely before her.
conny's letter, with its cheerfulness, partly real, partly affected, hurt her taste, and depressed her rather unreasonably.
this was the hardest feature of her lot: for the people she loved, the people who had looked up to her, she had been able to do nothing at all.
she was sitting alone in the dismantled studio on this last day of april. to-morrow lucy and frank would have returned from cornwall, and have taken possession of the new home.
her own plans for the present were vague.
one of her stories, after various journeys to editorial offices, had at last come back to her in the form of proof, supplemented, moreover, by what seemed to her a handsome cheque.
she had arranged, on the strength of this, to visit a friend in florence, for some months; after that period she would in all probability take part with lucy in the photography business.
there was no fire lighted, and the sun, which in the earlier part of the day had warmed the room, had set. most of the[pg 292] furniture and properties had already gone to the new studio, but some yet remained, massed and piled in the gloom.
the black sign-board, with its gold lettering, stood upright and forlorn in a corner, as though conscious that its day was over for ever. gertrude had been busying herself with turning out a cupboard, but the light had failed, and she had ceased from her work.
a very dark hour came to gertrude, crouching there in the dusk and cold, amid the dismantled workshop which seemed to symbolize her own life.
she who held unhappiness ignoble and cynicism a poor thing, had lost for the moment all joy of living and all belief. the little erection of philosophy, of hope, of self-reliance, which she had been at such pains to build, seemed to be crumbling about her ears; all the struggles and sacrifices of life looked vain things. what had life brought her, but disillusion, bitterness, an added sense of weakness?
she rose at last and paced the room.
"this will pass," she said to herself; "i am out of sorts; and it is not to be wondered at."
she sat down in the one empty chair the[pg 293] room contained, and leaning her head on her hand, let her thoughts wander at will.
her eyes roved about the little dusky room which was so full of memories for her. shadows peopled it; dream-voices filled it with sound.
lucy and phyllis and frank moved hither and thither with jest and laughter. fanny was there too, tampering amiably with the apparatus; and darrell looked at her once with cold eyes, although, indeed, he had been a rare visitor at the studio.
then all these phantoms faded, and she seemed to see another in their stead; a man, tall and strong, his face full of anger and sorrow—lord watergate, as he had been on that never-forgotten night. then the anger and sorrow faded from his face, and she read there nothing but love—love for herself shining from his eyes.
then she hid her face, ashamed.
what must he think of her? perhaps that she scorned his gift, did not understand its value; had therefore withdrawn it in disdain.
oh, if only she could tell him this:—that it was her very sense of the greatness of what he offered that had made her tremble, turn[pg 294] away, and reject it. one does not stretch out the hand eagerly for so great a gift.
she had told him not to return and he had taken her at her word. she was paying the penalty, which her sex always pays one way or another, for her struggles for strength and independence. she was denied, she told herself with a touch of rueful humour, the gracious feminine privilege of changing her mind.
lord watergate might have loved her more if he had respected her less, or at least allowed for a little feminine waywardness. like the rest of the world, he had failed to understand her, to see how weak she was, for all her struggles to be strong.
she pushed back the hair from her forehead with the old resolute gesture. well, she must learn to be strong in earnest now; the thews and sinews of the soul, the moral muscles, grow with practice, no less than those of the body. she must not sit here brooding, but must rise and fight the fates.
hitherto, perhaps, life had been nothing but failures, but mistakes. it was quite possible that the future held nothing better in store for her. that was not the question; all that concerned her was to fight the fight.
[pg 295]
she lit a solitary candle, and began sorting some papers and prints on the table near.
"if he had cared," her thoughts ran on, "he would have come back in spite of everything."
doubtless it had been a mere passing impulse of compassion which had prompted his words, and he had caught eagerly at her dismissal of him. or was it all a delusion on her part? that brief, rapid moment, when he had spoken, had it ever existed save in her own imagination? worst thought of all, a thought which made her cheek burn scarlet in the solitude, had she misinterpreted some simple expression of kindness, some frank avowal of sympathy; had she indeed refused what had never been offered?
she felt very lonely as she lingered there in the gloom, trying to accustom herself in thought to the long years of solitude, of dreariness, which she saw stretching out before her.
the world, even when represented by her best friends, had labelled her a strong-minded woman. by universal consent she had been cast for the part, and perforce must go through with it.
[pg 296]
she heard steps coming up the virginia cork passage and concluded that mrs. maryon was bringing her an expected postcard from lucy.
"come in," she said, not raising her head from the table.
the person who had come in was not, however, mrs. maryon.
he came up to the table with its solitary candle and faced her.
when she saw who it was her heart stood still; then in one brief moment the face of the universe had changed for her for ever.
"lord watergate!"
"i said i would come again. i have come in spite of you. you will not tell me that i come too soon, or in vain?"
"you must not think that i did not value what you offered me," she said simply, though her voice shook; "that i did not think myself deeply honoured. but i was afraid—i have suffered very much."
"and i.... oh, gertrude, my poor child, and i have left you all this time."
for the light, flickering upwards, had shown him her weary, haggard face; had shown him also the pathetic look of her[pg 297] eyes as they yearned towards him in entreaty, in reliance,—in love.
he had taken her in his arms, without explanation or apology, holding her to his breast as one holds a tired child.
and she, looking up into his face, into the lucid depths of his eyes, felt all that was mean and petty and bitter in life fade away into nothingness; while all that was good and great and beautiful gathered new meaning and became the sole realities.
decoration
[pg 298]
decoration
epilogue.
there is little more to tell of the people who have figured in this story.
fanny continues to flourish at notting hill, the absence of children being the one drop in her cup and that of her husband.
"but, perhaps," as lucy privately remarks, "it is as well; for i don't think the marshes would have understood how to bring up a child."
for lucy, in common with all young matrons of the day, has decided views on matters concerned with the mental, moral, and physical culture of the young. unlike many thinkers, she does not hesitate to put her theories into practice, and the two small occupants of her nursery bear witness to excellent training.
the photography, however, has not been[pg 299] crowded out by domestic duties; and no infant with pretensions to fashion omits to present itself before mrs. jermyn's lens. lucy has succumbed to the modern practice of specialising, and only the other day carried off a medal for photographs of young children from an industrial exhibition. her husband is no less successful in his own line. having permanently abandoned the paint-brush for the needle, he bids fair to take a high place among the black and white artists of the day.
the watergates have also an addition to their household, in the shape of a stout person with rosy cheeks and stiff white petticoats, who receives a great deal of attention from his parents. gertrude wonders if he will prove to have inherited his father's scientific tastes, or the literary tendencies of his mother. she devoutly hopes that it is the former.
conny flourishes as a married woman no less than as a girl. she and the jermyns dine out now and then at one another's houses; her old affection for gertrude continues, in spite of the fact that their respective husbands are quite unable (as she says) to hit it off.
[pg 300]
fred has not yet married; but there is no reason to believe him inconsolable. it is rather the embarrassment of choice than any other motive which keeps him single.
aunt caroline, having married all her daughters to her satisfaction, continues to reign supreme in certain circles at lancaster gate. she speaks with the greatest respect of her niece, lady watergate, though she has been heard to comment unfavourably on the shabbiness of the furniture in sussex place.
as for darrell, shortly after phyllis's death, he went to india at the invitation of the viceroy and remained there nearly two years.
it was only the other day that the watergates came face to face with him. it was at a big dinner, where the most distinguished representatives of art and science and literature were met. gertrude turned pale when she saw him, losing the thread of her discourse, and her appetite, despite her husband's reassuring glances down the table.
but darrell went on eating his dinner and looking into his neighbour's eyes, in apparent unconsciousness of, or unconcern at, the watergates' proximity.
the maryons continue in the old premises,[pg 301] increasing their balance at the banker's, and enlarging their experience of life.
the photographic studio is let to an enterprising young photographer, who has enlarged and beautified it beyond recognition.
as for the rooms above the umbrella-maker's: the sitting-room facing the street; the three-cornered kitchen behind; the three little bed-rooms beyond;—when last i passed the house they were to let unfurnished, with great fly-blown bills in the blank casements.
