if ever a man in this world had a terrible — i might almost go so far as to add a shameful — story to relate, surely i, cyril forrester, am the one. how strange — indeed, how most unbelievable — it is i do not think i even realised myself until i sat down to write it. the question the world will in all probability ask when it has read it is, why it should have been told at all. it is possible it may be of opinion that i should have served my generation just as well had i allowed it to remain locked up in my own bosom for all time. this, however, my conscience would not permit. there are numberless reasons, all of them important and some imperative beyond all telling, why i should make my confession, though god knows i am coward enough to shrink from the task. and if you consider for a moment, i think you will understand why. in the first place, the telling of the story can only have the effect of depriving me of the affection of those i love, the respect of those whose good opinion i have hitherto prized so highly, the sympathy of my most faithful friends, and, what is an equal sacrifice as far as i am personally concerned — though it is, perhaps, of less importance to others — the fame i have won for myself after so hard a struggle. all this is swept away like drift-wood before a rising tide, and as a result i retire into voluntary exile, a man burdened with a life-long sorrow. how i have suffered, both in body and mind, none will ever understand. that i have been punished is also certain, how heavily you, my two old friends, will be able to guess when you have read my story. with the writing of it i have severed the last link that binds me to the civilized world. henceforth i shall be a wanderer and an outcast, and but for one reason could wish myself dead. but that is enough of regret; let me commence my story.
two years ago, as you both have terrible reason to remember, there occurred in europe what may, perhaps, be justly termed the most calamitous period in its history, a time so heart-breaking, that scarcely a man or woman can look back upon it without experiencing the keenest sorrow. needless to say i refer to the outbreak of the plague among us, that terrible pestilence which swept europe from end to end, depopulated its greatest cities, filled every burial-place to overflowing, and caused such misery and desolation in all ranks of life as has never before been known among us. few homes were there, even in this fair england of ours, but suffered some bereavement; few families but mourn a loss the wound of which has even now barely healed. and it is my part in this dreadful business that i have forced myself with so much bitter humiliation to relate. let me begin at the very beginning, tell everything plainly and straightforwardly, offer nothing in extenuation of my conduct, and trust only to the world to judge me, if such a thing be possible, with an unbiassed mind.
i date my misery from a wet, miserable night in the last week of march — a night without a glimpse of the moon, which, on that particular evening, was almost at its full. there had been but one solitary hour of painting-light all day; short as it was, however, it was sufficient for my purpose. my picture for the academy was finished, and now all that remained was to pack it up and send it in. it was, as you remember, my eighth, and in every way my most successful effort. the subject i had chosen had enthralled me from the moment it had first entered my head, and the hours of thought and preparation it had entailed will always rank among the happiest of my life. it represented merenptah, the pharaoh of the exodus, learning from the magicians the effect of his obstinacy in the death of his first-born son. the canvas showed him seated on his throne, clad in his robes of state. his head was pushed a little forward, his chin rested in his hand, while his eyes looked straight before him as though he were endeavouring to peer into the future in the hope of reading there the answer to the troubled thoughts inside his brain. behind him stood the sorcerers, one of whom had found courage to announce the baneful tidings.
the land of egypt has always possessed a singular attraction for me — a taste which, doubtless, i inherit from my poor father, who, as you are aware, was one of the greatest authorities upon the subject the world has ever known.
as i have said, it was a miserable night, dark as the pit of tophet. a biting wind whistled through the streets, the pavements were dotted with umbrella-laden figures, the kennels ran like mill-sluices, while the roads were only a succession of lamp-lit puddles through which the wheeled traffic splashed continuously. for some reason — perhaps because the work upon which i had been so long and happily engaged was finished and i felt lonely without it to occupy my mind — i was stricken with a fit of the blues. convinced that my own company would not take me out of it, i left my studio in search of more congenial society. this was soon forthcoming; and you will remember, betford and trevelyan, that we dined together at a little restaurant in the neighbourhood of leicester square, and followed the dinner up with a visit to a theatre. as ill-luck would have it, i was in the minority in the choice of a place of entertainment. the result was disastrous. instead of ridding myself of my melancholy, as i had hoped to do, i intensified it, and when, at the end of the evening, i bade you farewell in the strand, my spirits had reached a lower level than they had attained all day. i remember distinctly standing beneath a gas-lamp at the corner of villiers street, as the clocks were striking midnight, feeling disinclined to return to my abode and go to bed, and yet equally at a loss to know in what manner i should employ myself until there was some likelihood of slumber visiting my eyelids. to help me make up my mind i lit a fresh cigar and strolled down toward the river. on the pavement, at the foot of the steps leading to hungerford bridge, a poor tattered creature, yet still possessing some pretensions to gentlemanly address, came from beneath the archway and begged of me, assuring me most solemnly that, as far as he was concerned, the game was played out, and if i did not comply with his request, he would forthwith end his troubles in the river. i gave him something — i can not now remember what — and then, crossing the road, made my way along the embankment toward cleopatra’s needle. the rain had ceased for the moment, and in the north a few stars were shining. the myriad lights of the embankment were reflected in the river like lines of dancing fire, and i remember that behind me a train was rolling across the bridge from charing cross with a noise like distant thunder. i suppose i must have been thinking of my picture, and of the land and period which had given me the idea. at any rate, i know that on this occasion the ancient monument in front of which i soon found myself affected me as it had never done before. i thought of the centuries that had passed since those hieroglyphics were carved upon the stone, of the changes the world had seen since that giant monolith first saw the light of day. leaning my elbows on the parapet, i was so absorbed in my own thoughts that when a sudden cry of “help, help!” rang out from the river it was with a sensible shock that i returned to the commonplace and found myself standing where i was. a moment later i was all action. the cry had come from the other side of the needle. i accordingly hastened to the steps farthest from me, shouting, as i went, in my excitement, that a man was drowning. it might have all been part of some evil dream — the long line of silent embankment on either side, the swiftly-flowing river, and that despairing appeal for help coming so suddenly out of the black darkness. then i became aware that i was not alone on the steps. there was another man there, and he stood motionless, peering out into the dark stream, scarcely a dozen paces from me.
i had reached the top of the steps and was about to descend them in order to accost him, when something occurred which stopped me and held me spell-bound. the moon had emerged from its pall of cloud and was now shining clear and bright across the river. thirty seconds must have elapsed since we had heard the cry for assistance, and now, as i looked, the drowning man was washed in at the foot of the steps upon which we stood. it would have needed but the least movement on the part of the man below me to have caught him as he swept by and to have saved him from a watery death. to my amazement, however — and even now, after this lapse of time, my gorge rises at the very thought of it — the other did not offer to help, but drew himself back. before i could return my eyes, the wretched suicide had passed out of sight and had vanished into the darkness again. as he did so a pronounced chuckle of enjoyment reached me from the man below — a burst of merriment so out of place and so detestable that i could scarcely believe i heard aright. i can not hope to make you understand how it affected me. a second later a fit of blind fury overtook me, and, under the influence of it, i ran down the steps and seized the murderer — for such i shall always consider him — by the arm.
“are you a man or a fiend,” i cried in jerks, “that you could so allow another to perish when you might have saved him? his death is upon your conscience, brute and monster that you are!”
so extreme was my emotion that i trembled under it like a man with the palsy.
then the other turned his head and looked at me; and, as he did so, a great shudder, accompanied by an indescribable feeling of nausea, passed over me. what occasioned it i could not tell, nor could i remember having felt anything of the kind before. when it departed, my eyes fixed themselves on the individual before me. connecting him in some way with the unenviable sensation i had just experienced, i endeavoured to withdraw them again, but in vain. the others gaze was riveted upon me — so firmly, indeed, that it required but small imagination to believe it eating into my brain. good heavens! how well i recollect that night and every incident connected with it! i believe i shall remember it through all eternity. if only i had known enough to have taken him by the throat then and there, and had dashed his brains out on the stones, or to have seized him in my arms and hurled him down the steps into the river below, how much happier i should have been! i might have earned eternal punishment, it is true, but i should at least have saved myself and the world in general from such misery as the human brain can scarcely realise. but i did not know, the opportunity was lost, and, in that brief instant of time, millions of my fellow-creatures were consigned unwittingly to their doom.
after long association with an individual, it is difficult, if not impossible, to set down with any degree of exactness a description of the effect his personality in the first instance had upon me. in this case i find it more than usually difficult, for the reason that, as i came more under his influence, the original effect wore off and quite another was substituted for it.
his height was considerably below the average, his skull was as small as his shoulders were broad. but it was not of his stature, his shoulders, or the size of the head which caused the curious effect i have elsewhere described. it was his eyes, the shape of his face, the multitudinous wrinkles that lined it, and, above all, the extraordinary colour of his skin, that rendered his appearance so repulsive. to understand what i mean you must think first of old ivory, and then endeavour to realise what the complexion of a corpse would be like after lying in an hermetically sealed tomb for many years. blend the two and you will have some dim notion of the idea i am trying to convey. his eyes were small, deeply sunken, and in repose apparently devoid of light and even of life. he wore a heavy fur coat, and, for the reason that he disdained the customary headgear of polite society, and had substituted for it a curious description of cap, i argued that he was a man who boasted a will of his own, and who did not permit himself to be bound by arbitrary rules. but, however plain these things may have been, his age was a good deal more difficult to determine. it was certainly not less than seventy, and one might have been excused had one even set it down at a hundred. he walked feebly, supporting himself with a stick, upon which his thin yellow fist was clutched till the knuckles stood out and shone like billiard balls in the moonlight.
under the influence of his mysterious personality, i stood speechless for some moments, forgetful of everything — the hour, the place, and even his inhumanity to the drowning wretch in the river below. by the time i recovered myself he was gone, and i could see him crossing the road and moving swiftly away in the direction of charing cross. drawing my hand across my forehead, which was clammy with the sweat of real fear, i looked again at the river. a police boat was pulling toward the steps, and by the light of the lantern on board i could make out the body of a man. my nerves, already strained to breaking pitch, were not capable of standing any further shock. i accordingly turned upon my heel and hurried from the place with all the speed at my command.
such was my first meeting with the man whom i afterward came to know as pharos the egyptian.
