iii

a few years ago a little book called half-holidays attracted some attention in semi-scholastic, semi-clerical circles. it was anonymous, and bore the modest motto crambe bis cocta; but those behind the scenes recognised it as the work of charles palmer, who was for many years a master at lupton. his acknowledged books include a useful little work on the accents and an excellent summary of roman history from the fall of the republic to romulus augustulus. the half-holidays contains the following amusing passage; there is not much difficulty in identifying the n. mentioned in it with ambrose meyrick.

“the cleverest dominie sometimes discovers”— the passage begins —“that he has been living in a fool’s paradise, that he has been tricked by a quiet and persistent subtlety that really strikes one as almost devilish when one finds it exhibited in the person of an english schoolboy. a good deal of nonsense, i think, has been written about boys by people who in reality know very little about them; they have been credited with complexities of character, with feelings and aspirations and delicacies of sentiment which are quite foreign to their nature. i can quite believe in the dead cat trick of stalky and his friends, but i confess that the incident of the british flag leaves me cold and sceptical. such refinement of perception is not the way of the boy — certainly not of the boy as i have known him. he is radically a simple soul, whose feelings are on the surface; and his deepest laid schemes and manoeuvres hardly call for the talents of a sherlock holmes if they are to be detected and brought to naught. of course, a good deal of rubbish has been talked about the wonderful success of our english plan of leaving the boys to themselves without the everlasting supervision which is practised in french schools. as a matter of fact, the english schoolboy is under constant supervision; where in a french school one wretched usher has to look after a whole horde of boys, in an english school each boy is perpetually under the observation of hundreds of his fellows. in reality, each boy is an unpaid pion, a watchdog whose vigilance never relaxes. he is not aware of this; one need scarcely say that such a notion is far from his wildest thoughts. he thinks, and very rightly, doubtless, that he is engaged in maintaining the honour of the school, in keeping up the observance of the school tradition, in dealing sharply with slackers and loafers who would bring discredit on the place he loves so well. he is, no doubt, absolutely right in all this; none the less, he is doing the master’s work unwittingly and admirably. when one thinks of this, and of the compulsory system of games, which ensures that every boy shall be in a certain place at a certain time, one sees, i think, that the phrase about our lack of supervision is a phrase and nothing more. there is no system of supervision known to human wit that approaches in thoroughness and minuteness the supervision under which every single boy is kept all through his life at an english public school.

“hence one is really rather surprised when, in spite of all these unpaid assistants, who are the whole school, one is thoroughly and completely taken in. i can only remember one such case, and i am still astonished at the really infernal ability with which the boy in question lived a double life under the very eyes of the masters and six hundred other boys. n., as i shall call him, was not in my house, and i can scarcely say how i came to watch his career with so much interest; but there was certainly something about him which did interest me a good deal. it may have been his appearance: he was an odd-looking boy — dark, almost swarthy, dreamy and absent in manner, and, for the first years of his school life, a quite typical loafer. such boys, of course, are not common in a big school, but there are a few such everywhere. one never knows whether this kind will write a successful book, or paint a great picture, or go to the devil — from my observation i am sorry to say that the last career is the most usual. i need scarcely say that such boys meet with but little encouragement; it is not the type which the public school exists to foster, and the boy who abandons himself to morbid introspection is soon made to feel pretty emphatically that he is matter in the wrong place. of course, one may be crushing genius. if this ever happened it would be very unfortunate; still, in all communities the minority must suffer for the good of the majority, and, frankly, i have always been willing to run the risk. as i have hinted, the particular sort of boy i have in my mind turns out in nine cases out of ten to be not a genius, but that much more common type — a blackguard.

“well, as i say, i was curious about n. i was sorry for him, too; both his parents were dead, and he was rather in the position of the poor fellows who have no home life to look forward to when the holidays are getting near. and his obstinacy astonished me; in most cases the pressure of public opinion will bring the slackest loafer to a sense of the error of his ways before his first term is ended; but n. seemed to hold out against us all with a sort of dreamy resistance that was most exasperating. i do not think he can have had a very pleasant time. his general demeanour suggested that of a sage who has been cast on an island inhabited by a peculiarly repulsive and degraded tribe of savages, and i need scarcely say that the other boys did their best to make him realise the extreme absurdity of such behaviour. he was clever enough at his work, but it was difficult to make him play games, and impossible to make him play up. he seemed to be looking through us at something else; and neither the boys nor the masters liked being treated as unimportant illusions. and then, quite suddenly, n. altered completely. i believe his housemaster, worn out of all patience, gave him a severe thrashing; at any rate, the change was instant and marvellous.

“i remember that a few days before n.‘s transformation we had been discussing the question of the cane at the weekly masters’ meeting. i had confessed myself a very half-hearted believer in the efficacy of the treatment. i forget the arguments that i used, but i know that i was strongly inclined to favour the ‘anti-baculist party,’ as the head jocosely named it. but a few months later when n.‘s housemaster pointed out n. playing up at football like a young demon, and then with a twinkle in his eye reminded me of the position i had taken up at the masters’ meeting, there was nothing for it but to own that i had been in the wrong. the cane had certainly, in this case, proved itself a magic wand; the sometime loafer had been transformed by it into one of the healthiest and most energetic fellows in the whole school. it was a pleasure to watch him at the games, and i remember that his fast bowling was at once terrific in speed and peculiarly deadly in its accuracy.

“he kept up this deception, for deception it was, for three or four years. he was just going up to oxford, and the whole school was looking forward to a career which we knew would be quite exceptional in its brilliance. his scholarship papers astonished the balliol authorities. i remember one of the fellows writing to our head about them in terms of the greatest enthusiasm, and we all knew that n.‘s bowling would get him into the university eleven in his first term. cricketers have not yet forgotten a certain performance of his at the oval, when, as a poetic journalist observed, wickets fell before him as ripe corn falls before the sickle. n. disappeared in the middle of term. the whole school was in a ferment; masters and boys looked at one another with wild faces; search parties were sent out to scour the country; the police were communicated with; on every side one heard the strangest surmises as to what had happened. the affair got into the papers; most people thought it was a case of breakdown and loss of memory from overwork and mental strain. nothing could be heard of n., till, at the end of a fortnight, his housemaster came into our room looking, as i thought, puzzled and frightened.

“‘i don’t understand,’ he said. ‘i’ve had this by the second post. it’s in n.‘s handwriting. i can’t make head or tail of it. it’s some sort of french, i suppose.’

“he held out a paper closely written in n.‘s exquisite, curious script, which always reminded me vaguely of some oriental character. the masters shook their heads as the manuscript went from hand to hand, and one of them suggested sending for the french master. but, as it happened, i was something of a student of old french myself, and i found i could make out the drift of the document that n. had sent his master.

“it was written in the manner and in the language of rabelais. it was quite diabolically clever, and beyond all question the filthiest thing i have ever read. the writer had really exceeded his master in obscenity, impossible as that might seem: the purport of it all was a kind of nightmare vision of the school, the masters and the boys. everybody and everything were distorted in the most horrible manner, seen, we might say, through an abominable glass, and yet every feature was easily recognisable; it reminded me of swift’s disgusting description of the yahoos, over which one may shudder and grow sick, but which one cannot affect to misunderstand. there was a fantastic episode which i remember especially. one of us, an ambitious man, who for some reason or other had become unpopular with a few of his colleagues, was described as endeavouring to climb the school clock-tower, on the top of which a certain object was said to be placed. the object was defended, so the writer affirmed, by ‘the dark birds of night,’ who resisted the master’s approach in all possible and impossible manners. even to indicate the way in which this extraordinary theme was treated would be utterly out of the question; but i shall never forget the description of the master’s face, turned up towards the object of his quest, as he painfully climbed the wall. i have never read even in the most filthy pages of rabelais, or in the savagest passages of swift, anything which approached the revolting cruelty of those few lines. they were compounded of hell-fire and the cloaca maxima.

“i read out and translated a few of the least abominable sentences. i can hardly say whether the feeling of disgust or that of bewilderment predominated amongst us. one of my colleagues stopped me and said they had heard enough; we stared at one another in silence. the astounding ability, ferocity and obscenity of the whole thing left us quite dumbfounded, and i remember saying that if a volcano were suddenly to belch forth volumes of flame and filth in the middle of the playing fields i should scarcely be more astonished. and all this was the work of n., whose brilliant abilities in games and in the schools were to have been worth many thousands a year to x., as one of us put it! this was the boy that for the last four years we had considered as a great example of the formative influences of the school! this was the n. who we thought would have died for the honour of the school, who spoke as if he could never do enough to repay what x. had done for him! as i say, we looked at one another with faces of blank amazement and horror. at last somebody said that n. must have gone mad, and we tried to believe that it was so, for madness, awful calamity as it is, would be more endurable than sanity under such circumstances as these. i need scarcely say that this charitable hypothesis turned out to be quite unfounded: n. was perfectly sane; he was simply revenging himself for the suppression of his true feelings for the four last years of his school life. the ‘conversion’ on which we prided ourselves had been an utter sham; the whole of his life had been an elaborately organised hypocrisy maintained with unfailing and unflinching skill term after term and year after year. one cannot help wondering when one considers the inner life of this unhappy fellow. every morning, i suppose, he woke up with curses in his soul; he smiled at us all and joined in the games with black rage devouring him. so far as one can say, he was quite sincere in his concealed opinions at all events. the hatred, loathing and contempt of the whole system of the place displayed in that extraordinary and terrible document struck me as quite genuine; and while i was reading it i could not help thinking of his eager, enthusiastic face as he joined with a will in the school songs; he seemed to inspire all the boys about him with something of his own energy and devotion. the apparition was a shocking one; i felt that for a moment i had caught a glimpse of a region that was very like hell itself.

“i remember that the french master contributed a characteristic touch of his own. of course, the headmaster had to be told of the matter, and it was arranged that m. and myself should collaborate in the unpleasant task of making a translation. m. read the horrible stuff through with an expression on his face that, to my astonishment, bordered on admiration, and when he laid down the paper he said:

“‘eh bien: ma?tre fran?ois est encore en vie, évidemment. c’est le vrai renouveau de la renaissance; de la renaissance en très mauvaise humeur, si vous voulez, mais de la renaissance tout-de-même. si, si; c’est de la cr? véritable, je vous assure. mais, notre bon n. est un rabelais qui a habité une terre affreusement sèche.’

“i really think that to the frenchman the terrible moral aspect of the case was either entirely negligible or absolutely non-existent; he simply looked on n.‘s detestable and filthy performance as a little masterpiece in a particular literary genre. heaven knows! one does not want to be a pharisee; but as i saw m. grinning appreciatively over this dung-heap i could not help feeling that the collapse of france before germany offered no insoluble problem to the historian.

“there is little more to be said as to this extraordinary and most unpleasant affair. it was all hushed up as much as possible. no further attempts to discover n.‘s whereabouts were made. it was some months before we heard by indirect means that the wretched fellow had abandoned the balliol scholarship and the most brilliant prospects in life to attach himself to a company of greasy barnstormers — or ‘dramatic artists,’ as i suppose they would be called nowadays. i believe that his subsequent career has been of a piece with these beginnings; but of that i desire to say nothing.”

the passage has been quoted merely in evidence of the great success with which ambrose meyrick adapted himself to his environment at lupton. palmer, the writer, who was a very well-meaning though intensely stupid person, has told the bare facts as he saw them accurately enough; it need not be said that his inferences and deductions from the facts are invariably ridiculous. he was a well-educated man; but in his heart of hearts he thought that rabelais, maria monk, gay life in paris and la terre all came to much the same thing.