i recall very fully the moment and the place when i first heard of 'don quixote,' while as yet i could not connect it very distinctly with anybody's authorship. i was still too young to conceive of authorship, even in my own case, and wrote my miserable verses without any notion of literature, or of anything but the pleasure of seeing them actually come out rightly rhymed and measured. the moment was at the close of a summer's day just before supper, which, in our house, we had lawlessly late, and the place was the kitchen where my mother was going about her work, and listening as she could to what my father was telling my brother and me and an apprentice of ours, who was like a brother to us both, of a book that he had once read. we boys were all shelling peas, but the story, as it went on, rapt us from the poor employ, and whatever our fingers were doing, our spirits were away in that strange land of adventures and mishaps, where the fevered life of the knight truly without fear and without reproach burned itself out. i dare say that my father tried to make us understand the satirical purpose of the book. i vaguely remember his speaking of the books of chivalry it was meant to ridicule; but a boy could not care for this, and what i longed to do at once was to get that book and plunge into its story. he told us at random of the attack on the windmills and the flocks of sheep, of the night in the valley of the fulling-mills with their trip-hammers, of the inn and the muleteers, of the tossing of sancho in the blanket, of the island that was given him to govern, and of all the merry pranks at the duke's and duchess's, of the liberation of the galley-slaves, of the capture of mambrino's helmet, and of sancho's invention of the enchanted dulcinea, and whatever else there was wonderful and delightful in the most wonderful and delightful book in the world. i do not know when or where my father got it for me, and i am aware of an appreciable time that passed between my hearing of it and my having it. the event must have been most important to me, and it is strange i cannot fix the moment when the precious story came into my hands; though for the matter of that there is nothing more capricious than a child's memory, what it will hold and what it will lose.
it is certain my don quixote was in two small, stout volumes not much bigger each than my goldsmith's 'greece', bound in a sort of law-calf, well fitted to withstand the wear they were destined to undergo. the translation was, of course, the old-fashioned version of jervas, which, whether it was a closely faithful version or not, was honest eighteenth- century english, and reported faithfully enough the spirit of the original. if it had any literary influence with me the influence must have been good. but i cannot make out that i was sensible of the literature; it was the forever enchanting story that i enjoyed. i exulted in the boundless freedom of the design; the open air of that immense scene, where adventure followed adventure with the natural sequence of life, and the days and the nights were not long enough for the events that thronged them, amidst the fields and woods, the streams and hills, the highways and byways, hostelries and hovels, prisons and palaces, which were the setting of that matchless history. i took it as simply as i took everything else in the world about me. it was full of meaning that i could not grasp, and there were significances of the kind that literature unhappily abounds in, but they were lost upon my innocence. i did not know whether it was well written or not; i never thought about that; it was simply there in its vast entirety, its inexhaustible opulence, and i was rich in it beyond the dreams of avarice.
my father must have told us that night about cervantes as well as about his 'don quixote', for i seem to have known from the beginning that he was once a slave in algiers, and that he had lost a hand in battle, and i loved him with a sort of personal affection, as if he were still living and he could somehow return my love. his name and nature endeared the spanish name and nature to me, so that they were always my romance, and to this day i cannot meet a spanish man without clothing him in something of the honor and worship i lavished upon cervantes when i was a child. while i was in the full flush of this ardor there came to see our school, one day, a mexican gentleman who was studying the american system of education; a mild, fat, saffron man, whom i could almost have died to please for cervantes' and don quixote's sake, because i knew he spoke their tongue. but he smiled upon us all, and i had no chance to distinguish myself from the rest by any act of devotion before the blessed vision faded, though for long afterwards, in impassioned reveries, i accosted him and claimed him kindred because of my fealty, and because i would have been spanish if i could.
i would not have had the boy-world about me know anything of these fond dreams; but it was my tastes alone, my passions, which were alien there; in everything else i was as much a citizen as any boy who had never heard of don quixote. but i believe that i carried the book about with me most of the time, so as not to lose any chance moment of reading it. even in the blank of certain years, when i added little other reading to my store, i must still have been reading it. this was after we had removed from the town where the earlier years of my boyhood were passed, and i had barely adjusted myself to the strange environment when one of my uncles asked me to come with him and learn the drug business, in the place, forty miles away, where he practised medicine. we made the long journey, longer than any i have made since, in the stage-coach of those days, and we arrived at his house about twilight, he glad to get home, and i sick to death with yearning for the home i had left. i do not know how it was that in this state, when all the world was one hopeless blackness around me, i should have got my 'don quixote' out of my bag; i seem to have had it with me as an essential part of my equipment for my new career. perhaps i had been asked to show it, with the notion of beguiling me from my misery; perhaps i was myself trying to drown my sorrows in it. but anyhow i have before me now the vision of my sweet young aunt and her young sister looking over her shoulder, as they stood together on the lawn in the summer evening light. my aunt held my don quixote open in one hand, while she clasped with the other the child she carried on her arm. she looked at the book, and then from time to time she looked at me, very kindly but very curiously, with a faint smile, so that as i stood there, inwardly writhing in my bashfulness, i had the sense that in her eyes i was a queer boy. she returned the book without comment, after some questions, and i took it off to my room, where the confidential friend of cervantes cried himself to sleep.
in the morning i rose up and told them i could not stand it, and i was going home. nothing they could say availed, and my uncle went down to the stage-office with me and took my passage back.
the horror of cholera was then in the land; and we heard in the stage- office that a man lay dead of it in the hotel overhead. but my uncle led me to his drugstore, where the stage was to call for me, and made me taste a little camphor; with this prophylactic, cervantes and i somehow got home together alive.
the reading of 'don quixote' went on throughout my boyhood, so that i cannot recall any distinctive period of it when i was not, more or less, reading that book. in a boy's way i knew it well when i was ten, and a few years ago, when i was fifty, i took it up in the admirable new version of ormsby, and found it so full of myself and of my own irrevocable past that i did not find it very gay. but i made a great many discoveries in it; things i had not dreamt of were there, and must always have been there, and other things wore a new face, and made a new effect upon me. i had my doubts, my reserves, where once i had given it my whole heart without question, and yet in what formed the greatness of the book it seemed to me greater than ever. i believe that its free and simple design, where event follows event without the fettering control of intrigue, but where all grows naturally out of character and conditions, is the supreme form of fiction; and i cannot help thinking that if we ever have a great american novel it must be built upon some such large and noble lines. as for the central figure, don quixote himself, in his dignity and generosity, his unselfish ideals, and his fearless devotion to them, he is always heroic and beautiful; and i was glad to find in my latest look at his history that i had truly conceived of him at first, and had felt the sublimity of his nature. i did not want to laugh at him so much, and i could not laugh at all any more at some of the things done to him. once they seemed funny, but now only cruel, and even stupid, so that it was strange to realize his qualities and indignities as both flowing from the same mind. but in my mature experience, which threw a broader light on the fable, i was happy to keep my old love of an author who had been almost personally, dear to me.
