not very long after the time that mary layne quitted chavasse grange — having closed all connection with it, never to be to it henceforth but as an utter stranger — her eldest sister, susan, the wife of captain richard layne, arrived in england from india with her children, four little ones; the eldest seven years old, the youngest eighteen months. the children had been ailing, and she brought them over for a twelvemonth’s change. mrs. layne was a good deal worn herself, for the only nurse she had with her, a coloured woman, was sea-sick during the voyage. her sister eleanor, who originally went out with her to calcutta, had made an excellent match; having married allan mcalpin, the younger partner in the staid old firm of mcalpin brothers, merchants of high standing, and wealthy men.
the first thing mrs. richard layne did on arrival was to establish herself in lodgings in liverpool, the port she landed at (in order to rest a week or two from the fatigues of the voyage) and send for her mother and sister elizabeth. in answer came a letter from her mother, saying she was not equal to the journey and that elizabeth was from home. it contained elizabeth’s present address, and also one or two items of news that startled young mrs. layne well-nigh out of her senses. leaving her children to their nurse’s care, she started for the address given, and found her two sisters, elizabeth and mary. the one living in a chronic state of outpouring sarcasm and reproach; the other meekly taking all as not a tithe of her just due.
after a day or two given to natural grief and lamentation, mrs. richard layne took matters into her own capable hands. she considered that a more complete change would be good for mary, and decided to convey her to the continent. she wrote a long and confidential letter to her husband in india, of what she meant to do: and then she went back to liverpool with elizabeth, to leave the latter in charge of her own children and their coloured nurse, during her absence across the channel. mrs. layne then returned to mary, and they started together for france.
shortly after this, old mrs. layne fell ill: and elizabeth, when she found she must go home in consequence, left a responsible english nurse with the coloured woman and children. not for several months afterwards did mrs. richard layne and mary return from abroad; and at the end of the twelvemonth they all went back to india — mrs. layne, her children, the native nurse, and mary. mary accompanied them in the capacity of governess.
after that a couple of years went on.
[from miss mary layne’s journal, written in calcutta, at the house of captain layne.]
june 10th.— cool of the evening. susan came to the schoolroom in the midst of the geography lesson this morning, and told me an old friend of mine at home had called, and i was to come into the verandah to see her. i never was more surprised. it was jane arkill; my chief friend in our old school-days. she has married a mr. cale, a doctor, who has just come out here to practise. mrs. cale says she shall never grow reconciled to the heat of india. while she sat telling us home news, she alternately wiped her pale face and stared at me, because i am so much altered. she thinks she should not have known me. it is not that my features have changed, she says, but that i have grown so much graver, and look so old. when people talk like this, i long to tell them that things have changed me; that i have passed through a fiery trial of sin and suffering; that my life is one long crucifixion of inward, silent repentance. when i first came out, two years ago, and people would say, “it must be the climate that is making miss layne look so ill,” it seemed to me like the worst hypocrisy to let them think it was the climate, and not to tell the truth. this feeling came back again today, when jane arkill — i shall often forget to call her “cale”— said my eyes had grown to have a sad look in them; and susan answered that young ladies faded quickly in india; and that mary would apply herself too closely to the children’s studies in spite of remonstrance. too closely? why, if i devoted every hour of my life, night and day, to these dear children, i could never repay what their mother — or their father, either — has done for me.
my mother is very well, jane says, but lame, and cannot get about much: she saw her only six weeks ago — for they came out by the overland route. only six weeks ago! — to hear that one has seen my dear mother so recently as that, makes it seem almost as though i had seen her but yesterday. my darling mother! — whom my conduct so grieved and outraged at the time, and who was so quick to forgive me and to do so much for me. what a message she has sent me! “give my love to dear mary, and say i hope she is happy with her sisters.” elizabeth, too, sent me her love. “i saw your little arthur, mrs. layne,” jane cale then said to my sister: “he is a sweet little fellow; your mother and elizabeth are so fond of him. they call him baby arthur.” i felt my face growing whiter than death: but susan, who was never i believe put out in her life, quietly sent me away with a message to the nurse — that she might bring the children. when i got back, captain layne had come in and had the baby on his shoulder: for nurse had made more haste than i. “none of your children here are so fair as the little one your wife left in england, captain layne,” jane cale was saying, as she looked at them one by one. “you mean little arthur,” returned the captain, in his ready kindness; “i hear he is fair.” “have you never seen him?” “no; how should i have seen him?” asked captain layne, laughing: “he was born over there, and my wife left him behind her as a legacy to her mother. it is rather a hazard, mrs. cale, as perhaps you know, to bring out very young infants to this country.” susan came to the rescue: she took the baby and put him on his feet, that mrs. cale should see how well he walked for his twelvemonth’s age. but it did not answer. no doubt jane thought that the more she told them about baby arthur in england, the better pleased they would be. how much difference was there, she asked, between this child and little arthur — eighteen months? — and how much between arthur and the one above him? “oh,” said the captain, “if it comes to months, you must ask my wife. come here, sir,” he called to robert, who was tumbling over the little black bearer, “tell this lady how old you are, for i am sure i can’t.” “i’m over four,” lisped bobby. “ah, i see,” said jane cale, “baby arthur is just between them.” “exactly so,” said captain layne: “susan, i think these children may go to their own quarters now.” they went at once, for i have trained them to be obedient, and i escaped with them. it is the first time any human tongue has spoken to me of baby arthur. i think if captain layne had looked at me i should have died: but he is ever kind. never, by so much as a word, or look, or tone, since the hour when i first set foot on these shores, his wife’s humbled sister, his children’s meek governess — and it is more than good of him to entrust their training to me! — never has he betrayed that he as much as knew anything, still less thought of it.
oh, how events have been smoothed for me! — how much more than i deserve have i to be thankful for!
[letter from captain layne’s wife to her mother at church dykely.]
calcutta, september 2nd.
my darling mother,
i am sitting down to answer your letter, which arrived by last mail: for i am sure you must wonder at my long silence and think it an age since i wrote. but the truth is, i have had a touch of my old complaint — intermittent fever — and it left me very weak and languid. i know you have an untiring correspondent in eleanor. perhaps that makes me a little negligent in writing home, though i am aware it ought not to do so.
we were truly glad to welcome mrs. cale, because she had so recently come from you. i cannot say that i have seen much of her as yet, for it was just after she got out that my illness began; and when i grew better my husband sent me to the hills for a change. mary went with me and the children. she is the greatest comfort. mother dear, in spite of what we know of, i do not think mary has her equal for true worth in this world. you say that mrs. cale, in writing home to you, described mary as being so altered; so sad and subdued. why, my dear mother, of course she is sad: how could it be otherwise? i do not suppose, in her more recent life, she has ever felt other than the most intense sadness of mind; no, not for one minute: and it is only to be expected that this must in time show itself in the countenance. i spoke to her about it one day; it is a long, long time ago now; saying i did not like to see her retain so much sadness. “it cannot be helped,” she answered; “sadness must always follow sin.”
and now i must tell you, even at the risk of being misunderstood — though i am sure you know me too well to fear i should seek to countenance or excuse wrong-doing — that i think mary takes an exaggerated view of the past. she seems to think it can never be wiped out, never be palliated. of course, in one sense, it never can: but i don’t see why she need continue to feel this intense humiliation, as if she ought to have a cordon drawn round her gown to warn all good folks from its contact. look again at that persistent fancy of hers, always to wear black; it is writing about her gown puts me in mind of it. black, black, black: thin silk when the heat will allow, oftener a dreary, rusty-black-looking kind of soft muslin that is called here “black jaconite”— but i really don’t know whether that’s the way to spell the thing. during the late intense heat, we have talked her into a black-and-white muslin: that is, white, with huge black spots upon it in the form of a melon. only once did i speak to her about wearing white as we do; i have never ventured since. she turned away with a shiver, and said white was no longer for her. mother, dear, if any one ever lived to work out on earth their repentance for sin, surely it is mary. the more i see of her innate goodness, the less can i understand the past. with her upright principles and strict sense of conscientiousness — and you know that mary always had these, even as a child — i am unable to imagine how it could have been that —— but i won’t go into that. and it may be that the goodness, so remarkable, would not have come out conspicuously but for the trial.
mrs. cale gave us such a nice account of “baby arthur.” she says he is very fair and pretty. she has talked to other people about him — and of course we cannot tell her not to talk. a brother-officer of my husband’s said to me yesterday:
“i hear your little boy at home is charming, mrs. layne. when shall you have him out?”
“not yet,” i answered. “he was a very delicate baby, and i should not like to risk it.”
“ah,” said major grant, “that is why you left him in england.”
“my mother takes great care of him,” i went on; “it would break her heart if i were to bring him away from her.”
you will wonder at my writing all this: but it is so new a thing to hear “baby arthur” made a topic of discussion, and all through mrs. cale! talking of children, eleanor is, i think, getting somewhat over her long-continued disappointment. four years she has been married, and has none. it is certainly a pity, when she and allan mcalpin are so well off. not a family in calcutta lives in better style than they — people here talk of the house of mcalpin brothers as we at home talk of rothschild’s and baring’s. i am sure they must be very rich, and poor eleanor naturally thinks where is the use of the riches when there’s no child to leave them to. eleanor said to me the other day when she was here, “you might as well make over that child of yours to me, susan,”— meaning baby arthur; “he does you no good, and must be a trouble to mamma and elizabeth.” of course i laughed it off; saying that you and elizabeth would not part with him for untold gold. and i believe it is so, is it not, dear mother? do you remember when i first went to your house with the poor little infant, after his birth on the continent, you took him out of my arms with an averted face, as if you would rather have thrown him on the floor, and elizabeth turned away and groaned? “mother,” i said, “you may grow to love the child in time, and then you will be more ready to forgive and forget.” and that has come to pass.
mary has always been against our not telling the truth to eleanor; she says, even yet, that she feels like a hypocrite before her; but i feel sure it was best and wisest. eleanor is as sensitive in her way as mary is; eleanor holds a high position in the place; she and her husband are both courted, she for herself, he for his riches, for his high commercial name, for his integrity; and i know she would have felt the slur almost as keenly as mary. it is true i do not like deliberate deceit; but there was really no need to tell her — it would not have answered any good end. until mrs. cale talked, eleanor scarcely remembered that there was a baby arthur; and now she seems quite jealous that he is mine and she cannot have him. i say to eleanor that she must be contented with the good she has; her indulgent husband, her position. we poor officers’ wives cannot compete with her in grandeur. by the way, talking of officers, you will be glad to hear that my husband expects his majority. it will be a welcome rise. for, with our little ones and our expenses, it is rather difficult at times to make both ends meet. we shall come into money some time from the west indies; but until then every pound of additional pay is welcome.
mrs. cale told us another item of news; that is, she recounted it amidst the rest, little thinking what it was to us. that sir g. c. is married, and living with his wife at the grange with lady c. you have been keeping the fact back, dear mother; either through not choosing to mention their names, or out of consideration to mary. but i can assure you she was thankful to hear of it; it has removed a little of the abiding sting from her life. you cannot imagine how unselfish she is: she looks upon herself as the sole cause of all that occurred. i mean that she says it was through her going to the grange. had she not gone, the peace of mother and son would never have been disturbed. i think lady c. was selfish and wrong; that she ought to have allowed sir g. to do as he wished. mary says no; that lady c.‘s comfort and her lifelong feelings were above every other consideration. she admires lady c. more than i do. however, she is truly glad to hear that the marriage took place. events have fallen now into their original course, and she trusts that the bitter episode in which she took part may be gradually forgotten at the grange. the day we first heard of his marriage, i went hastily — and i fear you will say rudely — into mary’s room at night when she was preparing for rest, having omitted to tell her something i wished changed in nelly’s studies for the morning. she was on her knees, and rose up; the tears were literally streaming down her sweet face, “oh, mary, what is the matter?” i asked, in dismay. “i was only praying for god to bless them,” she answered simply. is she not a good, unselfish girl?
i could fill pages with her praises. what she has been to my children, during these two years she has had them in charge, i can never tell. she insisted upon being regarded and treated wholly as a governess; but, as my husband says, no real governess could be half so painstaking, untiring, and conscientious. she has earned the respect of all calcutta, and she shrinks from it as if it were something to be shunned, saying, “if people did but know!” nelly, from being the only girl, and perhaps also because she was the eldest and her papa loved her so, was the most tiresome, spoiled little animal in the world; and the boys were boisterous, and i am afraid frightfully impudent to the native servants: but since mary took them in hand they are altogether different, fit to be loved. richard often says he wishes he could recompense her.
and now i must bring my letter to a close, or you will be tired. the children all send love to grandmamma and aunt elizabeth: and (it is miss nelly calls out this) to little brother arthur. nelly is growing prettier every day: she is now going on for eleven. young richard promises to be as tall and fine a man as his father. i believe he is to be sent home next year to the school attached to king’s college in london. little allan is more delicate than i like to see him; bobby, a frightful turk; baby, a dear little fellow. master allan’s godfather, eleanor’s husband, gave him a handsome present on his last birthday — a railway train that would “go.” he had sent for it from england: i am sure it never cost less than five pounds; and the naughty child broke it before the day was out. i felt so vexed; and downright ashamed to confess it to eleanor. the ayah said he broke it for the purpose, “to see what it was made of;” and, in spite of entreaties to the contrary, richard was on the point of whipping him for the mischief, and allan was roaring in anticipation, when mary interposed, and begged to be let deal with him for it. what she said, or what she did, i don’t know, i’m sure there was no whipping; but master allan was in a penitential and subdued mood for days after it, voluntarily renouncing some pudding that he is uncommonly fond of, because he had “not been good.” richard says that he would rather trust his children to mary, to be made what they ought to be, than to any one under heaven. oh, it is grievous — that her life should have been blighted!
my best love to you and elizabeth, dearest mother, in which richard begs to join; and believe me, your affectionate daughter,
susan layne.
p.s. — i have never before written openly on these private matters: we have been content tacitly to ignore them to each other, but somehow my pen has run on incautiously. please, therefore, to burn this letter when you and elizabeth shall have read it.1
1 but old mrs. layne did not burn the letter: or else it would never have found its way into duffham’s collection. she was content to put it off from day to day just as people do put things off; and it was never done. — j.l.
[from miss mary layne’s journal, about two years yet later.]
october 9th.— i quite tremble at the untoward turn things seem to be taking. to think that a noble gentleman should be casting his thoughts on me! and he is a gentleman, and a noble one also, in spite of that vain young adjutant, st. george’s, slighting remark when mr. mcalpin came in last night —“here’s that confounded old warehouseman!” it was well the major did not hear him. he has to take st. george to task on occasion, and he would have done it then with a will.
andrew mcalpin is not an ordinary man. head of a wealthy house, whose integrity has never been questioned; himself of unsullied honour, of handsome presence, of middle age, for surely, in his three-and-fortieth year, he may be called it — owner of all these solid advantages, he has actually turned his attentions upon me. me! oh, if he did but know! — if he could but see the humiliation it brings to this already too humiliated heart.
has a glamour been cast over his sight — as they say in his own land? can he not see how i shrink from people when they notice me by chance more than is usual? does he not see how constantly i have tried to shrink from him? if i thought that this had been brought about by any want of precaution on my part, i should be doubly miserable. when i was assistant-teacher at school in england, the french governess, poor old madame de visme, confided to me something that she was in the habit of doing; it was nothing wrong in itself, but totally opposed to the arbitrary rules laid down, and, if discovered, might have caused her to be abruptly dismissed. “but suppose it were found out, madame?” i said. “ah non, mon enfant,” she answered; “je prends mes précautions.” since then i have often thought of the words: and i say to myself, now as i write, have i taken precautions — proper ones? i can hardly tell. for one thing, i was at first, and for some time, so totally unprepared; it would no more have entered my mind to suppose mr. mcalpin would think of paying attention to me, than that the empty-headed lieutenant st. george — who boasts that his family is better than anybody’s in india, and intends to wed accordingly if he weds at all — would pay it.
when it first began — and that is so long ago that i can scarcely remember, nearly a year, though — mr. mcalpin would talk to me about the children. i felt proud to answer him, dear little things; and i knew he liked them, and allan is his brother’s godchild, and robert is eleanor’s. i am afraid that is where i was wrong: when he came talking, evening after evening, i should have been on my guard, and begged susan to excuse me from appearing as often as she would. the great evil lies in my having consented to appear at all in company. for two years after i came out — oh, more than that; it must have been nearly three — i resolutely refused to join them when they were not alone. it was major layne’s fault that the rule was broken through. one day, when invitations were out for an evening party, susan came to me and said that the major particularly requested i would appear at it. “the fact is, mary,” she whispered, “there has been some talk at the mess: you are very much admired — your face, i mean — and some of them began wondering whether there was any reason for your never appearing in society; and whether you could really be my sister. richard was not present — that goes without saying — the colonel repeated it to him afterwards in a joking way. but what the major says is this, mary — that he knows india and gossiping tongues better than you do, and he desires for all our sakes, for yours of course especially, that you will now and then show yourself with us. you are to begin next tuesday evening. richard begs you will. and i have been getting you a black net dress, with a little white lace for the body — you cannot say that’s too fine.” the words “for all our sakes” decided it; and i said i would certainly obey major layne. what else could i do?
that was the beginning of it. though i go out scarcely ever with the major and susan, declining invitations on the plea of my duties as governess, it has certainly grown into a habit with me to spend my evenings with them when they are at home.
but i never supposed anything like this would come of it. it has always seemed to me as if the world could see me a little as i see myself, and not think of me as one eligible to be chosen. as soon as i suspected that mr. mcalpin came here for me, i strove to show him as plainly as i might that he was making a mistake. and now this proves, as it seems to me, how wrong it was not to tell my sad story to eleanor, but to let her think of me as one still worthy. susan knows how averse i was to its suppression; but she overruled me, and said richard thought with her. eleanor would have whispered it to her husband, and he might have whispered to his brother andrew, and this new perplexity have been spared. it is not for my own sake i am so sorry, but for his: crosses and vexations are only my due, and i try to take them patiently; but i grow hot with shame every time i think how he is deceived. oh, if he would only speak out, and end it! that i might thank him and tell him it is impossible: i should like to say unfit. susan might give him a hint; but when i urge her to do so, she laughs at me and asks, how can she, until he has spoken?
october 25th.— it has come at last. mr. mcalpin, one of the best men amidst the honourable men of the world, has asked me to become his wife. whilst i was trying to answer him, i burst into tears. we were quite alone. “why do you weep?” he asked, and i answered that i thought it was because of my gratitude to him for his kindness, and because i was so unworthy of it. it was perhaps a hazardous thing to say — but i was altogether confused. i must have explained myself badly, for he could not or would not understand my refusal; he said he certainly should decline to take it: i must consider it well — for a week — or a month — as long as i liked, provided i said “yes” at last. when the crying was over, i felt myself again; and i told him, just as quietly and calmly as i could speak, that i should never marry; never. he asked why, and as i was hesitating what reason to give, and praying to be helped to speak right in the emergency, we were interrupted.
oh, if i could only tell him the naked truth, as i here write it! that the only one living man it would be possible for me to marry is separated from me wider than seas can part. the barrier was thrown up between us years ago, never to be overstepped by either of us: whilst at the same time it shut me out from my kind. for this reason i can never marry, and never shall marry, so long as the world, for me, endures.
november 19th.— this is becoming painful. mr. mcalpin will not give me up. he is all consideration and respect, he is not obtrusive, but yet — he will not give me up. there can exist no good reason why i should not have him, he says; and he is willing to wait for months and years. eleanor comes in with her remonstrances: “whatever possesses you, mary? you must be out of your mind, child, to refuse andrew mcalpin. for goodness’ sake, get a little common sense into your poor crotchety head.” allan mcalpin, in his half-earnest, half-joking way, says to me, “miss layne, i make a perfect husband; ask eleanor if i don’t; and i know andrew will make a better.” it is so difficult for me to parry these attacks. the children even have taken it up: and richard today in the schoolroom called me mrs. mcalpin. susan has tried to shield me throughout. the major says not a word one way or the other.
a curious idea has come across me once or twice lately — that it might be almost better to give mr. mcalpin a hint of the truth. of course it is but an idea; one that can never be carried out; but i know that he would be true as steel. i cannot bear for him to think me ungrateful: and he must consider me both ungrateful and capricious. i respect him and like him very much, and he sees this: if i were at liberty as others are, i would gladly marry him: the great puzzle is, how to make him understand that it is not possible. i suppose the consciousness of my secret, which never leaves me, renders it more difficult for me to be decisive than it would be if i possessed none. not the least painful part of it all is, that he brings me handsome presents, and will not take them back again. he is nearly old enough to be my father, he says, and so i must consider them as given to me in that light. how shall i stop it? — how convince him?
november 29th.— well, i have done it. last night there was a grand dinner at the mess; some strangers were to join it on invitation; susan went to spend a quiet hour with the colonel’s wife, and mr. mcalpin came in, and found me alone. what possessed me i cannot tell: but i began to tremble all over. he asked what was the matter, and i took courage to say that i always now felt distressed to see him come in, knowing he came for my sake, and that i could not respond to him as he wished. we had never had so serious a conversation as the one that ensued. he begged me to at least tell him what the barrier was, and where it lay: i thought he almost hinted that it was due to him. “there is some particular barrier, i feel sure,” he said, “although eleanor tells me there is none.” and then i took some more courage, inwardly hoping to be helped to speak for the best, and answered yes, there was a barrier; one that could never be surmounted; and that i had tried to make him see this all along. i told him how truly i esteemed him; how little i felt in my own eyes at being so undeserving of the opinion of a good man; i said i should thank him for it in my heart for ever. did the barrier lie in my loving another? he asked, and i hesitated there. i had loved another, i said: it was before i came out, and the circumstances attending it were very painful; indeed, it was a painful story altogether. it had blighted my life; it had isolated me from the world; it entirely prevented me from ever thinking of another. i do believe he gathered from my agitation something of the truth, for he was so kind and gentle. eleanor knew nothing of it, i said; major and mrs. layne had thought there was no need to tell her, and, of course, he would understand that i was speaking to him in confidence. yes, he answered, in confidence that i should not find misplaced. i felt happier and more at ease with him than i had ever done, for now i knew that misapprehension was over; and we talked together on other matters peacefully, until major layne entered and brought a shock with him.
a shock for me. one of the guests at the mess came with him: a naval officer in his uniform: a big man of fifty or sixty years, with a stern countenance and a cloud of untidy white hair. “where’s susan?” cried the major: “out? come here, then, mary: you must be hostess.” and before i knew what or who it was, i had been introduced to admiral chavasse. my head was in a whirl, my eyes were swimming: i had not heard the name spoken openly for years. major layne little thought he was related to g. c.: mr. mcalpin had no idea that this fine naval officer, parker chavasse, could be cousin to one of whom i had been speaking covertly, but had not named. the admiral is on cruise, has touched at calcutta, and his vessel is lying in diamond harbour.
november 30th.— oh dear! oh dear! that i should be the recipient of so much goodness, and not be able to appreciate it!
a message came to the schoolroom this morning; miss layne was wanted downstairs. it was susan who sent, but i found mr. mcalpin alone. he had been holding a confidential interview with susan: and susan, hearing how much i had said to him last night, confided to him all. oh, and he was willing to take me still; to take me as i am! i fell down at his feet sobbing when i told him that it could not be.
[private note from major layne’s wife to her mother at church dykely.]
just half-a-dozen lines, my dear mother, for your eye alone: i enclose them in my ordinary letter, meant for the world in general as well as you. mr. mcalpin knows all; but he was still anxious to make her his wife. he thinks her the best and truest girl, excellent among women. praise from him is praise. it was, i am certain, a most affecting interview; but they were alone. mary’s refusal — an absolute one — was dictated by two motives. the one is that the old feelings hold still so much sway in her heart (and, she says, always will) as to render the idea of a union with any one else absolutely distasteful. the other motive was consideration for andrew mcalpin. “i put it to you what it would be,” she said to him, “if at any time after our marriage, whether following closely upon it, or in years to come, this story of mine should transpire? i should die with shame, with grief for your sake: and there could be no remedy. no, no; never will i subject you, or any one else, to that frightful chance.”
and, mother, she is right. in spite of mr. mcalpin’s present disappointment, i know he thinks her so. it has but increased his admiration for her. he said to me, “henceforth i shall look upon her as a dear younger sister, and give her still my heart’s best love and reverence.”
and this is the private history of the affair: i thought i ought to disclose it to you. richard, while thinking she has done right, says it is altogether an awful pity (he means inclusive of the past), for she’s a trump of a girl. and so she is.
ever yours, dear mother, susan layne.
