the colomban trial.
when the colomban trial began, the pyrotists were not many more than thirty thousand, but they were everywhere and might be found even among the priests and millionaires. what injured them most was the sympathy of the rich jews. on the other hand they derived valuable advantages from their feeble number. in the first place there were among them fewer fools than among their opponents, who were over-burdened with them. comprising but a feeble minority they co-operated easily, acted with harmony, and had no temptation to divide and thus counteract one another’s efforts. each of them felt the necessity of doing the best possible and was the more careful of his conduct as he found himself more in the public eye. finally, they had every reason to hope that they would gain fresh adherents, while their opponents, having had everybody with them at the beginning, could only decrease.
summoned before the judges at a public sitting, colomban immediately perceived that his judges were not anxious to discover the truth. as soon as he opened his mouth the president ordered him to be silent in the superior interests of the state. for the same reason, which is the supreme reason, the witnesses for the defence were not heard. general panther, the chief of the staff, appeared in the witness-box, in full uniform and decorated with all his orders. he deposed as follows:
“the infamous colomban states that we have no proofs against pyrot. he lies; we have them. i have in my archives seven hundred and thirty-two square yards of them which at five hundred pounds each make three hundred and sixty-six thousand pounds weight.”
that superior officer afterwards gave, with elegance and ease, a summary of those proofs.
“they are of all colours and all shades,” said he in substance, “they are of every form — pot, crown, sovereign, grape, dove-cot, grand eagle, etc. the smallest is less than the hundredth part of a square inch, the largest measures seventy yards long by ninety yards broad.”
at this revelation the audience shuddered with horror.
greatauk came to give evidence in his turn. simpler, and perhaps greater, he wore a grey tunic and held his hands joined behind his back.
“i leave,” said he calmly and in a slightly raised voice, “i leave to m. colomban the responsibility for an act that has brought our country to the brink of ruin. the pyrot affair is secret; it ought to remain secret. if it were divulged the cruelest ills, wars, pillages, depredations, fires, massacres, and epidemics would immediately burst upon penguinia. i should consider myself guilty of high treason if i uttered another word.”
some persons known for their political experience, among others m. bigourd, considered the evidence of the minister of war as abler and of greater weight than that of his chief of staff.
the evidence of colonel de boisjoli made a great impression.
“one evening at the ministry of war,” said that officer, “the attache of a neighbouring power told me that while visiting his sovereign’s stables he had once admired some soft and fragrant hay, of a pretty green colour, the finest hay he had ever seen! ‘where did it come from?’ i asked him. he did not answer, but there seemed to me no doubt about its origin. it was the hay pyrot had stolen. those qualities of verdure, softness, and aroma, are those of our national hay. the forage of the neighbouring power is grey and brittle; it sounds under the fork and smells of dust. one can draw one’s own conclusions.”
lieutenant–colonel hastaing said in the witness-box, amid hisses, that he did not believe pyrot guilty. he was immediately seized by the police and thrown into the bottom of a dungeon where, amid vipers, toads, and broken glass, he remained insensible both to promises and threats.
the usher called:
“count pierre maubec de la dentdulynx.”
there was deep silence, and a stately but ill-dressed nobleman, whose moustaches pointed to the skies and whose dark eyes shot forth flashing glances, was seen advancing toward the witness-box.
he approached colomban and casting upon him a look of ineffable disdain:
“my evidence,” said he, “here it is: you excrement!”
at these words the entire hall burst into enthusiastic applause and jumped up, moved by one of those transports that stir men’s hearts and rouse them to extraordinary actions. without another word count maubec de la dentdulynx withdrew.
all those present left the court and formed a procession behind him. prostrate at his feet, princess des boscenos held his legs in a close embrace, but he went on, stern and impassive, beneath a shower of handkerchiefs and flowers. viscountess olive, clinging to his neck, could not be removed, and the calm hero bore her along with him, floating on his breast like a light scarf.
when the court resumed its sitting, which it had been compelled to suspend, the president called the experts.
vermillard, the famous expert in handwriting, gave the results of his researches.
“having carefully studied,” said he, “the papers found in pyrot’s house, in particular his account book and his laundry books, i noticed that, though apparently not out of the common, they formed an impenetrable cryptogram, the key to which, however, i discovered. the traitor’s infamy is to be seen in every line. in this system of writing the words ‘three glasses of beer and twenty francs for adele,’ mean ‘i have delivered thirty thousand trusses of hay to a neighbouring power.’ from these documents i have even been able to establish the composition of the hay delivered by this officer. the words waistcoat, drawers, pocket handkerchief, collars, drink, tobacco, cigars, mean clover, meadow-grass, lucern, burnet, oats, rye-grass, vernal-grass, and common cat’s tail grass. and these are precisely the constituents of the hay furnished by count maubec to the penguin cavalry. in this way pyrot mentioned his crimes in a language that he believed would always remain indecipherable. one is confounded by so much astuteness and so great a want of conscience.”
colomban, pronounced guilty without any extenuating circumstances, was condemned to the severest penalty. the judges immediately signed a warrant consigning him to solitary confinement.
in the place du palais on the sides of a river whose banks had during the course of twelve centuries seen so great a history, fifty thousand persons were tumultuously awaiting the result of the trial. here were the heads of the anti–pyrotist association, among whom might be seen prince des boscenos, count clena, viscount olive, and m. de la trumelle; here crowded the reverend father agaric and the teachers of st. mael college with their pupils; here the monk douillard and general caraguel, embracing each other, formed a sublime group. the market women and laundry women with spits, shovels, tongs, beetles, and kettles full of water might be seen running across the pont–vieux. on the steps in front of the bronze gates were assembled all the defenders of pyrot in alca, professors, publicists, workmen, some conservatives, others radicals or revolutionaries, and by their negligent dress and fierce aspect could be recognised comrades phoenix, larrivee, lapersonne, dagobert, and varambille. squeezed in his funereal frock-coat and wearing his hat of ceremony, bidault–coquille invoked the sentimental mathematics on behalf of colomban and colonel hastaing. maniflore shone smiling and resplendent on the topmost step, anxious, like leaena, to deserve a glorious monument, or to be given, like epicharis, the praises of history.
the seven hundred pyrotists disguised as lemonade sellers, gutter-merchants, collectors of odds and ends, or as anti–pyrotists, wandered round the vast building.
when colomban appeared, so great an uproar burst forth that, struck by the commotion of air and water, birds fell from the trees and fishes floated on the surface of the stream.
on all sides there were yells:
“duck colomban, duck him, duck him!” there were some cries of “justice and truth!” and a voice was even heard shouting:
“down with the army!” this was the signal for a terrible struggle. the combatants fell in thousands, and their bodies formed howling and moving mounds on top of which fresh champions gripped each other by the throats. women, eager, pale, and dishevelled, with clenched teeth and frantic nails, rushed on the man, in transports that, in the brilliant light of the public square, gave to their faces expressions unsurpassed even in the shade of curtains and in the hollows of pillows. they were going to seize colomban, to bite him, to strangle, dismember and rend him, when maniflore, tall and dignified in her red tunic, stood forth, serene and terrible, confronting these furies who recoiled from before her in terror. colomban seemed to be saved; his partisans succeeded in clearing a passage for him through the place du palais and in putting him into a cab stationed at the corner of the pont–vieux. the horse was already in full trot when prince des boscenos, count clena, and m. de la trumelle knocked the driver off his seat. then, making the animal back and pushing the spokes of the wheels, they ran the vehicle on to the parapet of the bridge, whence they overturned it into the river amid the cheers of the delirious crowd. with a resounding splash a jet of water rose upwards, and then nothing but a slight eddy was to be seen on the surface of the stream.
almost immediately comrades dagobert and varambile, with the help of the seven hundred disguised pyrotists, sent prince des boscenos head foremost into a river-laundry in which he was lamentably swallowed up.
serene night descended over the place du palais and shed silence and peace upon the frightful ruins with which it was strewed. in the mean time, colomban, three hundred yards down the stream, cowering beside a lame old horse on a bridge, was meditating on the ignorance and injustice of crowds.
“the business,” said he to himself, “is even more troublesome than i believed. i foresee fresh difficulties.”
he got up and approached the unhappy animal.
“what have you, poor friend, done to them?” said he. “it is on my account they have used you so cruelly.”
he embraced the unfortunate beast and kissed the white star on his forehead. then he took him by the bridle and led him, both of them limping, through the sleeping city to his house, where sleep soon allowed them to forget mankind.
