under the leads — the earthquake
what a strange and unexplained power certain words exercise upon the soul! i, who the evening before so bravely fortified myself with my innocence and courage, by the word tribunal was turned to a stone, with merely the faculty of passive obedience left to me.
my desk was open, and all my papers were on a table where i was accustomed to write.
“take them,” said i, to the agent of the dreadful tribunal, pointing to the papers which covered the table. he filled a bag with them, and gave it to one of the sbirri, and then told me that i must also give up the bound manuscripts which i had in my possession. i shewed him where they were, and this incident opened my eyes. i saw now, clearly enough, that i had been betrayed by the wretch manuzzi. the books were, “the key of solomon the king,” “the zecorben,” a “picatrix,” a book of “instructions on the planetary hours,” and the necessary incantations for conversing with demons of all sorts. those who were aware that i possessed these books took me for an expert magician, and i was not sorry to have such a reputation.
messer-grande took also the books on the table by my bed, such as petrarch, ariosto, horace. “the military’ philosopher” (a manuscript which mathilde had given me), “the porter of chartreux,” and “the aretin,” which manuzzi had also denounced, for messer-grande asked me for it by name. this spy, manuzzi, had all the appearance of an honest man — a very necessary qualification for his profession. his son made his fortune in poland by marrying a lady named opeska, whom, as they say, he killed, though i have never had any positive proof on the matter, and am willing to stretch christian charity to the extent of believing he was innocent, although he was quite capable of such a crime.
while messer-grande was thus rummaging among my manuscripts, books and letters, i was dressing myself in an absent-minded manner, neither hurrying myself nor the reverse. i made my toilette, shaved myself, and combed my hair; putting on mechanically a laced shirt and my holiday suit without saying a word, and without messer-grande — who did not let me escape his sight for an instant — complaining that i was dressing myself as if i were going to a wedding.
as i went out i was surprised to see a band of forty men-at-arms in the ante-room. they had done me the honour of thinking all these men necessary for my arrest, though, according to the axiom ‘ne hercules quidem contra duos’, two would have been enough. it is curious that in london, where everyone is brave, only one man is needed to arrest another, whereas in my dear native land, where cowardice prevails, thirty are required. the reason is, perhaps, that the coward on the offensive is more afraid than the coward on the defensive, and thus a man usually cowardly is transformed for the moment into a man of courage. it is certain that at venice one often sees a man. defending himself against twenty sbirri, and finally escaping after beating them soundly. i remember once helping a friend of mine at paris to escape from the hands of forty bum-bailiffs, and we put the whole vile rout of them to flight.
messer-grande made me get into a gondola, and sat down near me with an escort of four men. when we came to our destination he offered me coffee, which i refused; and he then shut me up in a room. i passed these four hours in sleep, waking up every quarter of an hour to pass water — an extraordinary occurrence, as i was not at all subject to stranguary; the heat was great, and i had not supped the evening before. i have noticed at other times that surprise at a deed of oppression acts on me as a powerful narcotic, but i found out at the time i speak of that great surprise is also a diuretic. i make this discovery over to the doctors, it is possible that some learned man may make use of it to solace the ills of humanity. i remember laughing very heartily at prague six years ago, on learning that some thin-skinned ladies, on reading my flight from the leads, which was published at that date, took great offence at the above account, which they thought i should have done well to leave out. i should have left it out, perhaps, in speaking to a lady, but the public is not a pretty woman whom i am intent on cajoling, my only aim is to be instructive. indeed, i see no impropriety in the circumstance i have narrated, which is as common to men and women as eating and drinking; and if there is anything in it to shock too sensitive nerves, it is that we resemble in this respect the cows and pigs.
it is probable that just as my overwhelmed soul gave signs of its failing strength by the loss of the thinking faculty, so my body distilled a great part of those fluids which by their continual circulation set the thinking faculty in motion. thus a sudden shock might cause instantaneous death, and send one to paradise by a cut much too short.
in course of time the captain of the men-at-arms came to tell me that he was under orders to take me under the leads. without a word i followed him. we went by gondola, and after a thousand turnings among the small canals we got into the grand canal, and landed at the prison quay. after climbing several flights of stairs we crossed a closed bridge which forms the communication between the prisons and the doge’s palace, crossing the canal called rio di palazzo. on the other side of this bridge there is a gallery which we traversed. we then crossed one room, and entered another, where sat an individual in the dress of a noble, who, after looking fixedly at me, said, “e quello, mettetelo in deposito:”
this man was the secretary of the inquisitors, the prudent dominic cavalli, who was apparently ashamed to speak venetian in my presence as he pronounced my doom in the tuscan language.
messer-grande then made me over to the warden of the leads, who stood by with an enormous bunch of keys, and accompanied by two guards, made me climb two short flights of stairs, at the top of which followed a passage and then another gallery, at the end of which he opened a door, and i found myself in a dirty garret, thirty-six feet long by twelve broad, badly lighted by a window high up in the roof. i thought this garret was my prison, but i was mistaken; for, taking an enormous key, the gaoler opened a thick door lined with iron, three and a half feet high, with a round hole in the middle, eight inches in diameter, just as i was looking intently at an iron machine. this machine was like a horse shoe, an inch thick and about five inches across from one end to the other. i was thinking what could be the use to which this horrible instrument was put, when the gaoler said, with a smile,
“i see, sir, that you wish to know what that is for, and as it happens i can satisfy your curiosity. when their excellencies give orders that anyone is to be strangled, he is made to sit down on a stool, the back turned to this collar, and his head is so placed that the collar goes round one half of the neck. a silk band, which goes round the other half, passes through this hole, and the two ends are connected with the axle of a wheel which is turned by someone until the prisoner gives up the ghost, for the confessor, god be thanked! never leaves him till he is dead.”
“all this sounds very ingenious, and i should think that it is you who have the honour of turning the wheel.”
he made no answer, and signing to me to enter, which i did by bending double, he shut me up, and afterwards asked me through the grated hole what i would like to eat.
“i haven’t thought anything about it yet,” i answered. and he went away, locking all the doors carefully behind him.
stunned with grief, i leant my elbows on the top of the grating. it was crossed, by six iron bars an inch thick, which formed sixteen square holes. this opening would have lighted my cell, if a square beam supporting the roof which joined the wall below the window had not intercepted what little light came into that horrid garret. after making the tour of my sad abode, my head lowered, as the cell was not more than five and a half feet high, i found by groping along that it formed three-quarters of a square of twelve feet. the fourth quarter was a kind of recess, which would have held a bed; but there was neither bed, nor table, nor chair, nor any furniture whatever, except a bucket — the use of which may be guessed, and a bench fixed in the wall a foot wide and four feet from the ground. on it i placed my cloak, my fine suit, and my hat trimmed with spanish paint and adorned with a beautiful white feather. the heat was great, and my instinct made me go mechanically to the grating, the only place where i could lean on my elbows. i could not see the window, but i saw the light in the garret, and rats of a fearful size, which walked unconcernedly about it; these horrible creatures coming close under my grating without shewing the slightest fear. at the sight of these i hastened to close up the round hole in the middle of the door with an inside shutter, for a visit from one of the rats would have frozen my blood. i passed eight hours in silence and without stirring, my arms all the time crossed on the top of the grating.
at last the clock roused me from my reverie, and i began to feel restless that no one came to give me anything to eat or to bring me a bed whereon to sleep. i thought they might at least let me have a chair and some bread and water. i had no appetite, certainly; but were my gaolers to guess as much? and never in my life had i been so thirsty. i was quite sure, however, that somebody would come before the close of the day; but when i heard eight o’clock strike i became furious, knocking at the door, stamping my feet, fretting and fuming, and accompanying this useless hubbub with loud cries. after more than an hour of this wild exercise, seeing no one, without the slightest reason to think i could be heard, and shrouded in darkness, i shut the grating for fear of the rats, and threw myself at full length upon the floor. so cruel a desertion seemed to me unnatural, and i came to the conclusion that the inquisitors had sworn my death. my investigation as to what i had done to deserve such a fate was not a long one, for in the most scrupulous examination of my conduct i could find no crimes. i was, it is true, a profligate, a gambler, a bold talker, a man who thought of little besides enjoying this present life, but in all that there was no offence against the state. nevertheless, finding myself treated as a criminal, rage and despair made me express myself against the horrible despotism which oppressed me in a manner which i will leave my readers to guess, but which i will not repeat here. but notwithstanding my brief and anxiety, the hunger which began to make itself felt, and the thirst which tormented me, and the hardness of the boards on which i lay, did not prevent exhausted nature from reasserting her rights; i fell asleep.
my strong constitution was in need of sleep; and in a young and healthy subject this imperious necessity silences all others, and in this way above all is sleep rightly termed the benefactor of man.
the clock striking midnight awoke me. how sad is the awaking when it makes one regret one’s empty dreams. i could scarcely believe that i had spent three painless hours. as i lay on my left side, i stretched out my right hand to get my handkerchief, which i remembered putting on that side. i felt about for it, when — heavens! what was my surprise to feel another hand as cold as ice. the fright sent an electric shock through me, and my hair began to stand on end.
never had i been so alarmed, nor should i have previously thought myself capable of experiencing such terror. i passed three or four minutes in a kind of swoon, not only motionless but incapable of thinking. as i got back my senses by degrees, i tried to make myself believe that the hand i fancied i had touched was a mere creature of my disordered imagination; and with this idea i stretched out my hand again, and again with the same result. benumbed with fright, i uttered a piercing cry, and, dropping the hand i held, i drew back my arm, trembling all over:
soon, as i got a little calmer and more capable of reasoning, i concluded that a corpse had been placed beside me whilst i slept, for i was certain it was not there when i lay down.
“this,” said i, “is the body of some strangled wretch, and they would thus warn me of the fate which is in store for me.”
the thought maddened me; and my fear giving place to rage, for the third time i stretched my arm towards the icy hand, seizing it to make certain of the fact in all its atrocity, and wishing to get up, i rose upon my left elbow, and found that i had got hold of my other hand. deadened by the weight of my body and the hardness of the boards, it had lost warmth, motion, and all sensation.
in spite of the humorous features in this incident, it did not cheer me up, but, on the contrary, inspired me with the darkest fancies. i saw that i was in a place where, if the false appeared true, the truth might appear false, where understanding was bereaved of half its prerogatives, where the imagination becoming affected would either make the reason a victim to empty hopes or to dark despair. i resolved to be on my guard; and for the first time in my life, at the age of thirty, i called philosophy to my assistance. i had within me all the seeds of philosophy, but so far i had had no need for it.
i am convinced that most men die without ever having thought, in the proper sense of the word, not so much for want of wit or of good sense, but rather because the shock necessary to the reasoning faculty in its inception has never occurred to them to lift them out of their daily habits.
after what i had experienced, i could think of sleep no more, and to get up would have been useless as i could not stand upright, so i took the only sensible course and remained seated. i sat thus till four o’clock in the morning, the sun would rise at five, and i longed to see the day, for a presentiment which i held infallible told me that it would set me again at liberty. i was consumed with a desire for revenge, nor did i conceal it from myself. i saw myself at the head of the people, about to exterminate the government which had oppressed me; i massacred all the aristocrats without pity; all must be shattered and brought to the dust. i was delirious; i knew the authors of my misfortune, and in my fancy i destroyed them. i restored the natural right common to all men of being obedient only to the law, and of being tried only by their peers and by laws to which they have agreed-in short, i built castles in spain. such is man when he has become the prey of a devouring passion. he does not suspect that the principle which moves him is not reason but wrath, its greatest enemy.
i waited for a less time than i had expected, and thus i became a little more quiet. at half-past four the deadly silence of the place — this hell of the living — was broken by the shriek of bolts being shot back in the passages leading to my cell.
“have you had time yet to think about what you will take to eat?” said the harsh voice of my gaoler from the wicket.
one is lucky when the insolence of a wretch like this only shews itself in the guise of jesting. i answered that i should like some rice soup, a piece of boiled beef, a roast, bread, wine, and water. i saw that the lout was astonished not to hear the lamentations he expected. he went away and came back again in a quarter of an hour to say that he was astonished i did not require a bed and the necessary pieces of furniture, “for” said he, “if you flatter yourself that you are only here for a night, you are very much mistaken.”
“then bring me whatever you think necessary.”
“where shall i go for it? here is a pencil and paper; write it down.”
i skewed him by writing where to go for my shirts, stockings, and clothes of all sorts, a bed, table, chair, the books which messer- grande had confiscated, paper, pens, and so forth. on my reading out the list to him (the lout did not know how to read) he cried, “scratch out,” said he, “scratch out books, paper, pens, looking- glass and razors, for all that is forbidden fruit here, and then give me some money to get your dinner.” i had three sequins so i gave him one, and he went off. he spent an hour in the passages engaged, as i learnt afterwards, in attending on seven other prisoners who were imprisoned in cells placed far apart from each other to prevent all communication.
about noon the gaoler reappeared followed by five guards, whose duty it was to serve the state prisoners. he opened: the cell door to bring in my dinner and the furniture i had asked for. the bed was placed in the recess; my dinner was laid out on a small table, and i had to eat with an ivory spoon he had procured out of the money i had given him; all forks, knives, and edged tools being forbidden.
“tell me what you would like for to-morrow,” said he, “for i can only come here once a day at sunrise. the lord high secretary has told me to inform you that he will send you some suitable books, but those you wish for are forbidden.”
“thank him for his kindness in putting me by myself.”
“i will do so, but you make a mistake in jesting thus.”
“i don’t jest at all, for i think truly that it is much better to be alone than to mingle with the scoundrels who are doubtless here.”
“what, sir! scoundrels? not at all, not at all. they are only respectable people here, who, for reasons known to their excellencies alone, have to be sequestered from society. you have been put by yourself as an additional punishment, and you want me to thank the secretary on that account?”
“i was not aware of that.”
the fool was right, and i soon found it out. i discovered that a man imprisoned by himself can have no occupations. alone in a gloomy cell where he only sees the fellow who brings his food once a day, where he cannot walk upright, he is the most wretched of men. he would like to be in hell, if he believes in it, for the sake of the company. so strong a feeling is this that i got to desire the company of a murderer, of one stricken with the plague, or of a bear. the loneliness behind the prison bars is terrible, but it must be learnt by experience to be understood, and such an experience i would not wish even to my enemies. to a man of letters in my situation, paper and ink would take away nine-tenths of the torture, but the wretches who persecuted me did not dream of granting me such an alleviation of my misery.
after the gaoler had gone, i set my table near the grating for the sake of the light, and sat down to dinner, but i could only swallow a few spoonfuls of soup. having fasted for nearly forty-eight hours, it was not surprising that i felt ill. i passed the day quietly enough seated on my sofa, and proposing myself to read the “suitable books” which they had been good enough to promise me. i did not shut my eyes the whole night, kept awake by the hideous noise made by the rats, and by the deafening chime of the clock of st. mark’s, which seemed to be striking in my room. this double vexation was not my chief trouble, and i daresay many of my readers will guess what i am going to speak of-namely, the myriads of fleas which held high holiday over me. these small insects drank my blood with unutterable voracity, their incessant bites gave me spasmodic convulsions and poisoned my blood.
at day-break, lawrence (such was the gaoler’s name) came to my cell and had my bed made, and the room swept and cleansed, and one of the guards gave me water wherewith to wash myself. i wanted to take a walk in the garret, but lawrence told me that was forbidden. he gave me two thick books which i forbore to open, not being quite sure of repressing the wrath with which they might inspire me, and which the spy would have infallibly reported to his masters. after leaving me my fodder and two cut lemons he went away.
as soon as i was alone i ate my soup in a hurry, so as to take it hot, and then i drew as near as i could to the light with one of the books, and was delighted to find that i could see to read. i looked at the title, and read, “the mystical city of sister mary of jesus, of agrada.” i had never heard of it. the other book was by a jesuit named caravita. this fellow, a hypocrite like the rest of them, had invented a new cult of the “adoration of the sacred heart of our lord jesus christ.” this, according to the author, was the part of our divine redeemer, which above all others should be adored a curious idea of a besotted ignoramus, with which i got disgusted at the first page, for to my thinking the heart is no more worthy a part than the lungs, stomach; or any other of the inwards. the “mystical city” rather interested me.
i read in it the wild conceptions of a spanish nun, devout to superstition, melancholy, shut in by convent walls, and swayed by the ignorance and bigotry of her confessors. all these grotesque, monstrous, and fantastic visions of hers were dignified with the name of revelations. the lover and bosom-friend of the holy virgin, she had received instructions from god himself to write the life of his divine mother; the necessary information was furnished her by the holy ghost.
this life of mary began, not with the day of her birth, but with her immaculate conception in the womb of anne, her mother. this sister mary of agrada was the head of a franciscan convent founded by herself in her own house. after telling in detail all the deeds of her divine heroine whilst in her mother’s womb, she informs us that at the age of three she swept and cleansed the house with the assistance of nine hundred servants, all of whom were angels whom god had placed at her disposal, under the command of michael, who came and went between god and herself to conduct their mutual correspondence.
what strikes the judicious reader of the book is the evident belief of the more than fanatical writer that nothing is due to her invention; everything is told in good faith and with full belief. the work contains the dreams of a visionary, who, without vanity but inebriated with the idea of god, thinks to reveal only the inspirations of the divine spirit.
the book was published with the permission of the very holy and very horrible inquisition. i could not recover from my astonishment! far from its stirring up in my breast a holy and simple zeal of religion, it inclined me to treat all the mystical dogmas of the faith as fabulous.
such works may have dangerous results; for example, a more susceptible reader than myself, or one more inclined to believe in the marvellous, runs the risk of becoming as great a visionary as the poor nun herself.
the need of doing something made me spend a week over this masterpiece of madness, the product of a hyper-exalted brain. i took care to say nothing to the gaoler about this fine work, but i began to feel the effects of reading it. as soon as i went off to sleep i experienced the disease which sister mary of agrada had communicated to my mind weakened by melancholy, want of proper nourishment and exercise, bad air, and the horrible uncertainty of my fate. the wildness of my dreams made me laugh when i recalled them in my waking moments. if i had possessed the necessary materials i would have written my visions down, and i might possibly have produced in my cell a still madder work than the one chosen with such insight by cavalli.
this set me thinking how mistaken is the opinion which makes human intellect an absolute force; it is merely relative, and he who studies himself carefully will find only weakness. i perceived that though men rarely become mad, still such an event is well within the bounds of possibility, for our reasoning faculties are like powder, which, though it catches fire easily, will never catch fire at all without a spark. the book of the spanish nun has all the properties necessary to make a man crack-brained; but for the poison to take effect he must be isolated, put under the leads, and deprived of all other employments.
in november, 1767, as i was going from pampeluna to madrid, my coachman, andrea capello, stopped for us to dine in a town of old castille. so dismal and dreary a place did i find it that i asked its name. how i laughed when i was told that it was agrada!
“here, then,” i said to myself, “did that saintly lunatic produce that masterpiece which but for m. cavalli i should never have known.”
an old priest, who had the highest possible opinion of me the moment i began to ask him about this truthful historian of the mother of christ, shewed me the very place where she had written it, and assured me that the father, mother, sister, and in short all the kindred of the blessed biographer, had been great saints in their generation. he told me, and spoke truly, that the spaniards had solicited her canonization at rome, with that of the venerable palafox. this “mystical city,” perhaps, gave father malagrida the idea of writing the life of st. anne, written, also, at the dictation of the holy ghost, but the poor devil of a jesuit had to suffer martyrdom for it — an additional reason for his canonization, if the horrible society ever comes to life again, and attains the universal power which is its secret aim.
at the end of eight or nine days i found myself moneyless. lawrence asked me for some, but i had not got it.
“where can i get some?”
“nowhere.”
what displeased this ignorant and gossiping fellow about me was my silence and my laconic manner of talking.
next day he told me that the tribunal had assigned me fifty sous per diem of which he would have to take charge, but that he would give me an account of his expenditure every month, and that he would spend the surplus on what i liked.
“get me the leyden gazette twice a week.”
“i can’t do that, because it is not allowed by the authorities.”
sixty-five livres a month was more than i wanted, since i could not eat more than i did: the great heat and the want of proper nourishment had weakened me. it was in the dog-days; the strength of the sun’s rays upon the lead of the roof made my cell like a stove, so that the streams of perspiration which rolled off my poor body as i sat quite naked on my sofa-chair wetted the floor to right and left of me.
i had been in this hell-on-earth for fifteen days without any secretion from the bowels. at the end of this almost incredible time nature re-asserted herself, and i thought my last hour was come. the haemorrhoidal veins were swollen to such an extent that the pressure on them gave me almost unbearable agony. to this fatal time i owe the inception of that sad infirmity of which i have never been able to completely cure myself. the recurrence of the same pains, though not so acute, remind me of the cause, and do not make my remembrance of it any the more agreeable. this disease got me compliments in russia when i was there ten years later, and i found it in such esteem that i did not dare to complain. the same kind of thing happened to me at constantinople, when i was complaining of a cold in the head in the presence of a turk, who was thinking, i could see, that a dog of a christian was not worthy of such a blessing.
the same day i sickened with a high fever and kept my bed. i said nothing to lawrence about it, but the day after, on finding my dinner untouched, he asked me how i was.
“very well.”
“that can’t be, sir, as you have eaten nothing. you are ill, and you will experience the generosity of the tribunal who will provide you, without fee or charge, with a physician, surgeon, and all necessary medicines.”
he went out, returning after three hours without guards, holding a candle in his hand, and followed by a grave-looking personage; this was the doctor. i was in the height of the fever, which had not left me for three days. he came up to me and began to ask me questions, but i told him that with my confessor and my doctor i would only speak apart. the doctor told lawrence to leave the room, but on the refusal of that argus to do so, he went away saying that i was dangerously ill, possibly unto death. for this i hoped, for my life as it had become was no longer my chiefest good. i was somewhat glad also to think that my pitiless persecutors might, on hearing of my condition, be forced to reflect on the cruelty of the treatment to which they had subjected me.
four hours afterwards i heard the noise of bolts once more, and the doctor came in holding the candle himself. lawrence remained outside. i had become so weak that i experienced a grateful restfulness. kindly nature does not suffer a man seriously ill to feel weary. i was delighted to hear that my infamous turnkey was outside, for since his explanation of the iron collar i had looked an him with loathing.
in a quarter of an hour i had told the doctor all.
“if we want to get well,” said he, “we must not be melancholy.”
“write me the prescription, and take it to the only apothecary who can make it up. m. cavalli is the bad doctor who exhibited ‘the heart of jesus,’ and ‘tire mystical city.’”
“those two preparations are quite capable of having brought on the fever and the haemorrhoids. i will not forsake you”
after making me a large jug of lemonade, and telling the to drink frequently, he went away. i slept soundly, dreaming fantastic dreams.
in he morning the doctor came again with lawrence and a surgeon, who bled me. the doctor left me some medicine which he told me to take in the evening, and a bottle of soap. “i have obtained leave,” said he, “for you to move into the garret where the heat is less, and the air better than here.”
“i decline the favour, as i abominate the rats, which you know nothing about, and which would certainly get into my bed.”
“what a pity! i told m. cavalli that he had almost killed you with his books, and he has commissioned me to take them back, and to give you boethius; and here it is.”
“i am much obliged to you. i like it better than seneca, and i am sure it will do me good.”
“i am leaving you a very necessary instrument, and some barley water for you to refresh yourself with.”
he visited me four times, and pulled me through; my constitution did the rest, and my appetite returned. at the beginning of september i found myself, on the whole, very well, suffering from no actual ills except the heat, the vermin, and weariness, for i could not be always reading boethius.
one day lawrence told me that i might go out of my cell to wash myself whilst the bed was being made and the room swept. i took advantage of the favour to walk up and down for the ten minutes taken by these operations, and as i walked hard the rats were alarmed and dared not shew themselves. on the same day lawrence gave me an account of my money, and brought himself in as my debtor to the amount of thirty livres, which however, i could not put into my pocket. i left the money in his hands, telling him to lay it out on masses on my behalf, feeling sure that he would make quite a different use of it, and he thanked me in a tone that persuaded me he would be his own priest. i gave him the money every month, and i never saw a priest’s receipt. lawrence was wise to celebrate the sacrifice at the tavern; the money was useful to someone at all events.
i lived from day to day, persuading myself every night that the next day i should be at liberty; but as i was each day deceived, i decided in my poor brain that i should be set free without fail on the 1st of october, on which day the new inquisitors begin their term of office. according to this theory, my imprisonment would last as long as the authority of the present inquisitors, and thus was explained the fact that i had seen nothing of the secretary, who would otherwise have undoubtedly come to interrogate, examine, and convict me of my crimes, and finally to announce my doom. all this appeared to me unanswerable, because it seemed natural, but it was fallacious under the leads, where nothing is done after the natural order. i imagined the inquisitors must have discovered my innocence and the wrong they had done me, and that they only kept me in prison for form’s sake, and to protect their repute from the stain of committing injustice; hence i concluded that they would give me my freedom when they laid down their tyrannical authority. my mind was so composed and quiet that i felt as if i could forgive them, and forget the wrong that they had done me. “how can they leave me here to the mercy of their successors,” i thought, “to whom they cannot leave any evidence capable of condemning me?” i could not believe that my sentence had been pronounced and confirmed, without my being told of it, or of the reasons by which my judges had been actuated. i was so certain that i had right on my side, that i reasoned accordingly; but this was not the attitude i should have assumed towards a court which stands aloof from all the courts in the world for its unbounded absolutism. to prove anyone guilty, it is only necessary for the inquisitors to proceed against him; so there is no need to speak to him, and when he is condemned it would be useless to announce to the prisoner his sentence, as his consent is not required, and they prefer to leave the poor wretch the feeling of hope; and certainly, if he were told the whole process, imprisonment would not be shortened by an hour. the wise man tells no one of his business, and the business of the tribunal of venice is only to judge and to doom. the guilty party is not required to have any share in the matter; he is like a nail, which to be driven into a wall needs only to be struck.
to a certain extent i was acquainted with the ways of the colossus which was crushing me under foot, but there are things on earth which one can only truly understand by experience. if amongst my readers there are any who think such laws unjust, i forgive them, as i know they have a strong likeness to injustice; but let me tell them that they are also necessary, as a tribunal like the venetian could not subsist without them. those who maintain these laws in full vigour are senators, chosen from amongst the fittest for that office, and with a reputation for honour and virtue.
the last day of september i passed a sleepless night, and was on thorns to see the dawn appear, so sure was i that that day would make me free. the reign of those villains who had made me a captive drew to a close; but the dawn appeared, lawrence came as usual, and told me nothing new. for five or six days i hovered between rage and despair, and then i imagined that for some reasons which to me were unfathomable they had decided to keep me prisoner for the remainder of my days. this awful idea only made me laugh, for i knew that it was in my power to remain a slave for no long time, but only till i should take it into my own hands to break my prison. i knew that i should escape or die: ‘deliberata morte ferocior’.
in the beginning of november i seriously formed the plan of forcibly escaping from a place where i was forcibly kept. i began to rack my brains to find a way of carrying the idea into execution, and i conceived a hundred schemes, each one bolder than the other, but a new plan always made me give up the one i was on the point of accepting.
while i was immersed in this toilsome sea of thought, an event happened which brought home to me the sad state of mind i was in.
i was standing up in the garret looking towards the top, and my glance fell on the great beam, not shaking but turning on its right side, and then, by slow and interrupted movement in the opposite direction, turning again and replacing itself in its original position. as i lost my balance at the same time, i knew it was the shock of an earthquake. lawrence and the guards, who just then came out of my room, said that they too, had felt the earth tremble. in such despair was i that this incident made me feel a joy which i kept to myself, saying nothing. four or five seconds after the same movement occurred, and i could not refrain from saying,
“another, o my god! but stronger.”
the guards, terrified with what they thought the impious ravings of a desperate madman, fled in horror.
after they were gone, as i was pondering the matter over, i found that i looked upon the overthrow of the doge’s palace as one of the events which might lead to liberty; the mighty pile, as it fell, might throw me safe and sound, and consequently free, on st. mark’s place, or at the worst it could only crush me beneath its ruins. situated as i was, liberty reckons for all, and life for nothing, or rather for very little. thus in the depths of my soul i began to grow mad.
this earthquake shock was the result of those which at the same time destroyed lisbon.
