i resolve to become a monk — i go to confession — delay of a fortnight — giustiniani, the apostle capuchin — i alter my mind; my reasons — my pranks at the inn — i dine with the abbot

the cool way in which the abbot told these cock-and-bull stories gave me an inclination to laughter, which the holiness of the place and the laws of politeness had much difficulty in restraining. all the same i listened with such an attentive air that his reverence was delighted with me and asked where i was staying.

“nowhere,” said i; “i came from zurich on foot, and my first visit was to your church.”

i do not know whether i pronounced these words with an air of compunction, but the abbot joined his hands and lifted them to heaven, as if to thank god for touching my heart and bringing me there to lay down the burden of my sins. i have no doubt that these were his thoughts, as i have always had the look of a great sinner.

the abbot said it was near noon and that he hoped i would do him the honour of dining with him, and i accepted with pleasure, for i had had nothing to eat and i knew that there is usually good cheer in such places. i did not know where i was and i did not care to ask, being willing to leave him under the impression that i was a pilgrim come to expiate my sins.

on our way from the church the abbot told me that his monks were fasting, but that we should eat meat in virtue of a dispensation he had received from benedict xiv., which allowed him to eat meat all the year round with his guests. i replied that i would join him all the more willingly as the holy father had given me a similar dispensation. this seemed to excite his curiosity about myself, and when we got to his room, which did not look the cell of a penitent, he hastened to shew me the brief, which he had framed and glazed and hung up opposite the table so that the curious and scrupulous might have it in full view.

as the table was only laid for two, a servant in full livery came in and brought another cover; and the humble abbot then told me that he usually had his chancellor with him at dinner, “for,” said he, “i have a chancery, since as abbot of our lady of einsiedel i am a prince of the holy roman empire.”

this was a relief to me, as i now knew where i was, and i no longer ran the risk of shewing my ignorance in the course of conversation.

this monastery (of which i had heard before) was the loretto of the mountains, and was famous for the number of pilgrims who resorted to it.

in the course of dinner the prince — abbot asked me where i came from, if i were married, if i intended to make a tour of switzerland, adding that he should be glad to give me letters of introduction. i replied that i was a venetian, a bachelor, and that i should be glad to accept the letters of introduction he had kindly offered me, after i had had a private conference with him, in which i desired to take his advice on my conscience.

thus, without premeditation, and scarcely knowing what i was saying, i engaged to confess to the abbot.

this was my way. whenever i obeyed a spontaneous impulse, whenever i did anything of a sudden, i thought i was following the laws of my destiny, and yielding to a supreme will. when i had thus plainly intimated to him that he was to be my confessor, he felt obliged to speak with religious fervour, and his discourses seemed tolerable enough during a delicate and appetising repast, for we had snipe and woodcock; which made me exclaim —

“what! game like that at this time of year?”

“it’s a secret,” said he, with a pleased smile, “which i shall be glad to communicate to you.”

the abbot was a man of taste, for though he affected sobriety he had the choicest wines and the most delicious dishes on the table. a splendid salmon-trout was brought, which made him smile with pleasure, and seasoning the good fare with a jest, he said in latin that we must taste it as it was fish, and that it was right to fast a little.

while he was talking the abbot kept a keen eye on me, and as my fine dress made him feel certain that i had nothing to ask of him he spoke at ease.

when dinner was over the chancellor bowed respectfully and went out. soon after the abbot took me over the monastery, including the library, which contained a portrait of the elector of cologne in semi-ecclesiastical costume. i told him that the portrait was a good though ugly likeness, and drew out of my pocket the gold snuffbox the prince had given me, telling him that it was a speaking likeness. he looked at it with interest, and thought his highness had done well to be taken in the dress of a grand-master. but i perceived that the elegance of the snuff-box did no harm to the opinion the abbot had conceived of me. as for the library, if i had been alone it would have made me weep. it contained nothing under the size of folio, the newest books were a hundred years old, and the subject-matter of all these huge books was solely theology and controversy. there were bibles, commentators, the fathers, works on canon law in german, volumes of annals, and hoffman’s dictionary.

“i suppose your monks have private libraries of their own,” i said, “which contain accounts of travels, with historical and scientific works.”

“not at all,” he replied; “my monks are honest folk, who are content to do their duty, and to live in peace and sweet ignorance.”

i do not know what happened to me at that moment, but a strange whim came into my head — i would be a monk, too. i said nothing about it at the moment, but i begged the abbot to take me to his private chamber.

“i wish to make a general confession of all my sins,” said i, “that i may obtain the benefit of absolution, and receive the holy eucharist on the morrow.”

he made no answer, but led the way to a pretty little room, and without requiring me to kneel down said he was ready to hear me.

i sat down before him and for three consecutive hours i narrated scandalous histories unnumerable, which, however, i told simply and not spicily, since i felt ascetically disposed and obliged myself to speak with a contrition i did not feel, for when i recounted my follies i was very far from finding the remembrance of them disagreeable.

in spite of that, the serene or reverend abbot believed, at all events, in my attrition, for he told me that since by the appointed means i had once more placed myself in a state of grace, contrition would be perfected in me.

according to the good abbot, and still more according to me, without grace contrition is impossible.

after he had pronounced the sacramental words which take away the sins of men, he advised me to retire to the chamber he had appointed for me, to pass the rest of the day in prayer, and to go to bed at an early hour, but he added that i could have supper if i was accustomed to that meal. he told me that i might communicate at the first mass next morning, and with that we parted.

i obeyed with a docility which has puzzled me ever since, but at the time i thought nothing of it. i was left alone in a room which i did not even examine, and there i pondered over the idea which had come into my head before making my confession; and i quite made up my mind that chance, or rather my good genius, had led me to that spot, where happiness awaited me, and where i might shelter all my days from the tempests of the world.

“whether i stay here,” said i, “depends on myself alone, as i am sure the abbot will not refuse me the cowl if i give him ten thousand crowns for my support.”

all that was needed to secure my happiness seemed a library of my own choosing, and i did not doubt but that the abbot would let me have what books i pleased if i promised to leave them to the monastery after my death.

as to the society of the monks, the discord, envy, and all the bickerings inseparable from such a mode of life, i thought i had nothing to pass in that way, since i had no ambitions which could rouse the jealousy of the other monks. nevertheless, despite my fascination, i foresaw the possibility of repentance, and i shuddered at the thought, but i had a cure for that also.

“when i ask for the habit,” i said, “i will also ask that my novitiate be extended for ten years, and if repentance do not come in ten years it will not come at all. i shall declare that i do not wish for any cure or any ecclesiastical dignity. all i want is peace and leave to follow my own tastes, without scandalising anyone.” i thought: i could easily remove any objections which might be made to the long term of my novitiate, by agreeing, in case i changed my mind, to forfeit the ten thousand crowns which i would pay in advance.

i put down this fine idea in writing before i went to bed; and in the morning, finding myself unshaken in my resolve, after i had communicated i gave my plan to the abbot, who was taking chocolate in his room.

he immediately read my plan, and without saying anything put it on the table, and after breakfast he walked up and down the room and read it again, and finally told me that he would give me an answer after dinner.

i waited till night with the impatience of a child who has been promised toys on its birthday — so completely and suddenly can an infatuation change one’s nature. we had as good a dinner as on the day before, and when we had risen from the table the good abbot said,

“my carriage is at the door to take you to zurich. go, and let me have a fortnight to think it over. i will bring my answer in person. in the meanwhile here are two sealed letters, which please deliver yourself.”

i replied that i would obey his instructions and that i would wait for him at the “sword,” in the hope that be would deign to grant my wishes. i took his hand, which he allowed me to kiss, and i then set out for zurich.

as soon as my spaniard saw me the rascal began to laugh. i guessed what he was thinking, and asked him what he was laughing at.

“i am amazed to see that no sooner do you arrive in switzerland than you contrive to find some amusement which keeps you away for two whole days.”

“ah, i see; go and tell the landlord that i shall want the use of a good carriage for the next fortnight, and also a guide on whom i can rely.”

my landlord, whose name was ote, had been a captain, and was thought a great deal of at zurich. he told me that all the carriages in the neighbourhood were uncovered. i said they would do, as there was nothing better to be had, and he informed me i could trust the servant he would provide me with.

next morning i took the abbot’s letters. one was for m. orelli and the other for a m. pestalozzi, neither of whom i found at home; but in the afternoon they both called on me, asked me to dinner, and made me promise to come with them the same evening to a concert. this is the only species of entertainment allowed at zurich, and only members of the musical society can be present, with the exception of strangers, who have to be introduced by a member, and are then admitted on the payment of a crown. the two gentlemen both spoke in very high terms of the abbot of einsiedel.

i thought the concert a bad one, and got bored at it. the men sat on the right hand and the women on the left. i was vexed with this arrangement, for in spite of my recent conversation i saw three or four ladies who pleased me, and whose eyes wandered a good deal in my direction. i should have liked to make love to them, to make the best of my time before i became a monk.

when the concert was over, men and women went out together, and the two citizens presented me to their wives and daughters, who looked pleasant, and were amongst those i had noticed.

courtesy is necessarily cut short in the street, and, after i had thanked the two gentlemen, i went home to the “sword.”

next day i dined with m. orelli, and i had an opportunity for doing justice to his daughter’s amiability without being able to let her perceive how she had impressed me. the day after, i played the same part with m. pestalozzi, although his charming daughter was pretty enough to excite my gallantry. but to my own great astonishment i was a mirror of discretion, and in four days that was my character all over the town. i was quite astonished to find myself accosted in quite a respectful manner, to which i was not accustomed; but in the pious state of mind i was in, this confirmed me in the belief that my idea of taking the cowl had been a divine inspiration. nevertheless, i felt listless and weary, but i looked upon that as the inevitable consequence of so complete a change of life, and thought it would disappear when i grew more accustomed to goodness.

in order to put myself, as soon as possible, on an equality with my future brethren, i passed three hours every morning in learning german. my master was an extraordinary man, a native of genoa, and an apostate capuchin. his name was giustiniani. the poor man, to whom i gave six francs every morning, looked upon me as an angel from heaven, although i, with the enthusiasm of a devotee, took him for a devil of hell, for he lost no opportunity of throwing a stone at the religious orders. those orders which had the highest reputation, were, according to him, the worst of all, since they led more people astray. he styled monks in general as a vile rabble, the curse of the human race.

“but,” said i to him one day, “you will confess that our lady of einsiedel . . . ”

“what!” replied the genoese, without letting me finish my remark, “do you think i should make an exception in favour of a set of forty ignorant, lazy, vicious, idle, hypocritical scoundrels who live bad lives under the cloak of humility, and eat up the houses of the poor simpletons who provide for them, when they ought to be earning their own bread?”

“but how about his reverend highness the abbot?”

“a stuck-up peasant who plays the part of a prince, and is fool enough to think himself one.”

“but he is a prince.”

“as much a prince as i am. i look upon him as a mere buffoon.”

“what has he done to you?”

“nothing; but he is a monk.”

“he is a friend of mine.”

“i cannot retract what i have said, but i beg your pardon.”

this giustiniani had a great influence upon me, although i did not know it, for i thought my vocation was sure. but my idea of becoming a monk at einsiedel came to an end as follows:

the day before the abbot was coming to see me, at about six o’clock in the evening, i was sitting at my window, which looked out on the bridge, and gazing at the passers-by, when all at once a carriage and four came up at a good pace and stopped at the inn. there was no footman on it, and consequently the waiter came out and opened the door, and i saw four well-dressed women leave the carriage. in the first three i saw nothing noticeable, but the fourth, who was dressed in a riding-habit, struck me at once with her elegance and beauty. she was a brunette with fine and well-set eyes, arched eyebrows, and a complexion in which the hues of the lily and the rose were mingled. her bonnet was of blue satin with a silver fillet, which gave her an air i could not resist. i stretched out from the window as far as i could, and she lifted her eyes and looked at me as if i had bade her do so. my position obliged me to look at her for half a minute; too much for a modest woman, and more than was required to set me all ablaze.

i ran and took up my position at the window of my ante-chamber, which commanded a view of the staircase, and before long i saw her running by to rejoin her three companions. when she got opposite to my window she chanced to turn in that direction, and on seeing me cried out as if she had seen a ghost; but she soon recollected herself and ran away, laughing like a madcap, and rejoined the other ladies who were already in their room.

reader, put yourself in my place, and tell me how i could have avoided this meeting. and you who would bury yourselves in monastic shades, persevere, if you can, after you have seen what i saw at zurich on april 23rd.

i was in such a state of excitement that i had to lie down on my bed. after resting a few minutes, i got up and almost unconsciously went towards the passage window and saw the waiter coming out of the ladies’ room.

“waiter,” said i, “i will take supper in the dining-room with everybody else.”

“if you want to see those ladies, that won’t do, as they have ordered their supper to be brought up to them. they want to go to bed in good time as they are to leave at day-break.”

“where are they going?”

“to our lady of einsiedel to pay their vows.”

“where do they come from?”

“from soleure.”

“what are their names?”

“i don’t know.”

i went to lie down again, and thought how i could approach the fair one of my thoughts. should i go to einsiedel, too? but what could i do when i got there? these ladies are going to make their confessions; i could not get into the confessional. what kind of a figure should i cut among the monks? and if i were to meet the abbot on the way, how could i help returning with him? if i had had a trusty friend i would have arranged an ambuscade and carried off my charmer. it would have been an easy task, as she had nobody to defend her. what if i were to pluck up my heart and beg them to let me sup in their company? i was afraid of the three devotees; i should meet with a refusal. i judged that my charmer’s devotion was more a matter of form than any thing else, as her physiognomy declared her to be a lover of pleasure, and i had long been accustomed to read womens’ characters by the play of their features.

i did not know which way to turn, when a happy idea came into my head. i went to the passage window and stayed there till the waiter went by. i had him into the room, and began my discourse by sliding a piece of gold into his hand. i then asked him to lend me his green apron, as i wished to wait upon the ladies at supper.

“what are you laughing at?”

“at your taking such a fancy, sir, though i think i know why.”

“you are a sharp fellow.”

“yes, sir, as sharp as most of them; i will get you a new apron. the pretty one asked me who you were.”

“what did you tell her?”

“i said you were an italian; that’s all.”

“if you will hold your tongue i will double that piece of gold.”

“i have asked your spaniard to help me, sir, as i am single-handed, and supper has to be served at the same time both upstairs and downstairs.”

“very good; but the rascal mustn’t come into the room or he would be sure to laugh. let him go to the kitchen, bring up the dishes, and leave them outside the door.”

the waiter went out, and returned soon after with the apron and le duc, to whom i explained in all seriousness what he had to do. he laughed like a madman, but assured me he would follow my directions. i procured a carving-knife, tied my hair in a queue, took off my coat, and put on the apron over my scarlet waistcoat ornamented with gold lace. i then looked at myself in the glass, and thought my appearance mean enough for the modest part i was about to play. i was delighted at the prospect, and thought to myself that as the ladies came from soleure they would speak french.

le duc came to tell me that the waiter was going upstairs. i went into the ladies’ room and said, “supper is about to be served, ladies.”

“make haste about it, then,” said the ugliest of them, “as we have got to rise before day-break.”

i placed the chairs round the table and glanced at my fair one, who looked petrified. the waiter came in, and i helped him to put the dishes on the table, and he then said to me, “do you stay here, as i have to go downstairs.”

i took a plate and stood behind a chair facing the lady, and without appearing to look at her i saw her perfectly, or rather i saw nothing else. she was astonished the others did not give me a glance, and they could not have pleased me better. after the soup i hurried to change her plate, and then did the same office for the rest: they helped themselves to the boiled beef.

while they were eating, i took a boiled capon and cut it up in a masterly manner.

“we have a waiter who knows his work,” said the lady of my thoughts.

“have you been long at this inn?”

“only a few weeks, madam.”

“you wait very well.”

“madam is very good.”

i had tucked in my superb ruffles of english point lace, but my frilled shirt front of the same material protruded slightly through my vest, which i had not buttoned carefully. she saw it, and said, “come here a moment.”

“what does madam require?”

“let me see it. what beautiful lace!”

“so i have been told, madam, but it is very old. an italian gentleman who was staying here made me a present of it.”

“you have ruffles of the same kind, i suppose?”

“yes, madam;” and so saying i stretched out my hand, unbuttoning my waistcoat. she gently drew out the ruffle, and seemed to place herself in a position to intoxicate me with the sight of her charms, although she was tightly laced. what an ecstatic moment! i knew she had recognized me, and the thought that i could not carry the masquerade beyond a certain point was a veritable torment to me.

when she had looked a long time, one of the others said,

“you are certainly very curious, my dear, one would think you had never seen lace before.”

at this she blushed.

when the supper was done, the three ugly ladies each went apart to undress, while i took away the dishes, and my heroine began to write. i confess that i was almost infatuated enough to think that she was writing to me; however, i had too high an opinion of her to entertain the idea.

as soon as i had taken away the dishes, i stood by the door in the respectful manner becoming the occasion.

“what are you waiting for?” she said.

“for your orders, madam.”

“thank you, i don’t want anything.”

“your boots, madam, you will like them removed before you retire.”

“true, but still i don’t like to give you so much trouble.”

“i am here to attend on you, madam.”

so saying, i knelt on one knee before her, and slowly unplaced her boots while she continued writing. i went farther; i unbuckled her garters, delighting in the contemplation and still more in the touch of her delicately-shaped legs, but too soon for me she turned her head, and said,

“that will do, thank you. i did not notice that you were giving yourself so much trouble. we shall see you to-morrow evening.”

“then you will sup here, ladies?”

“certainly.”

i took her boots away, and asked if i should lock the door.

“no, my good fellow,” said she, in the voice of a syren, “leave the key inside.”

le duc took the charmer’s boots from me, and said, laughing —

“she has caught you.”

“what?”

“i saw it all, sir, you played your part as well as any actor in paris; and i am certain that she will give you a louis to-morrow, but if you don’t hand it over to me i will blow on the whole thing.”

“that’s enough, you rascal; get me my supper as quickly as possible.”

such are the pleasures which old age no longer allows me to enjoy, except in my memory. there are monsters who preach repentance, and philosophers who treat all pleasures as vanity. let them talk on. repentance only befits crimes, and pleasures are realities, though all too fleeting.

a happy dream made me pass the night with the fair lady; doubtless it was a delusion, but a delusion full of bliss. what would i not give now for such dreams, which made my nights so sweet!

next morning at day-break i was at her door with her boots in my hand just as their coachman came to call them. i asked them, as a matter of form, if they would have breakfast, and they replied merrily that they had made too good a supper to have any appetite at such an early hour. i went out of the room to give them time to dress, but the door was half open, and i saw reflected in the glass the snow-white bosom of my fair one; it was an intoxicating sight. when she had laced herself and put on her dress she called for her boots. i asked if i should put them on, to which she consented with a good grace, and as she had green velvet breeches, she seemed to consider herself as almost a man. and, after all, a waiter is not worth putting one’s self out about. all the worst for him if he dare conceive any hopes from the trifling concessions he receives. his punishment will be severe, for who would have thought he could have presumed so far? as for me, i am now, sad to say, grown old, and enjoy some few privileges of this description, which i relish, though despising myself, and still more those who thus indulge me.

after she had gone i went to sleep again, hoping to see her in the evening. when i awoke i heard that the abbot of einsiedel was at zurich, and my landlord told me that his reverend highness would dine with me in my room. i told him that i wished to treat the abbot well, and that he must set the best dinner he could for us.

at noon the worthy prelate was shewn up to my room, and began by complimenting me on the good reputation i had at zurich, saying that this made him believe that my vocation was a real one.

“the following distich,” he added, “should now become your motto:

“inveni portum. spes et fortuna valete;

nil mihi vobiscum est: ludite nuns alios.”

“that is a translation of two verses from euripides,” i answered; “but, my lord, they will not serve me, as i have changed my mind since yesterday.”

“i congratulate you,” said he, “and i hope you will accomplish all your desires. i may tell you confidentially that it is much easier to save one’s soul in the world where one can do good to one’s neighbours, than in the convent, where a man does no good to himself nor to anyone else.”

this was not speaking like the hypocrite guistiniani had described to me; on the contrary, it was the language of a good and sensible man.

we had a princely dinner, as my landlord had made each of the three courses a work of art. the repast was enlivened by an interesting conversation, to which wit and humour were not lacking. after coffee i thanked the abbot with the greatest respect, and accompanied him to his carriage, where the reverend father reiterated his offers of serving me, and thus, well pleased with one another, we parted.

the presence and the conversation of this worthy priest had not for a moment distracted my thoughts from the pleasing object with which they were occupied. so soon as the abbot had gone, i went to the bridge to await the blessed angel, who seemed to have been sent from soleure with the express purpose of delivering me from the temptation to become a monk, which the devil had put into my heart. standing on the bridge i built many a fine castle in spain, and about six in the evening i had the pleasure of seeing my fair traveller once more. i hid myself so as to see without being seen. i was greatly surprised to see them all four looking towards my window. their curiosity shewed me that the lady had told them of the secret, and with my astonishment there was some admixture of anger. this was only natural, as i not only saw myself deprived of the hope of making any further advances, but i felt that i could no longer play my part of waiter with any confidence. in spite of my love for the lady i would not for the world become the laughing-stock of her three plain companions. if i had interested her in my favour, she would certainly not have divulged my secret, and i saw in her doing so proof positive that she did not want the jest to go any further, or rather of her want of that spirit so necessary to ensure the success of an intrigue. if the three companions of my charmer had had anything attractive about them, i might possibly have persevered and defied misfortune; but in the same measure as beauty cheers my heart, ugliness depresses it. anticipating the melancholy which i foresaw would result from this disappointment, i went out with the idea of amusing myself, and happening to meet giustiniani i told him of my misfortune, saying that i should not be sorry to make up for it by a couple of hours of the society of some mercenary beauty.

“i will take you to a house,” said he, “where you will find what you want. go up to the second floor and you will be well received by an old woman, if you whisper my name to her. i dare not accompany you, as i am well known in the town and it might get me into trouble with the police, who are ridiculously strict in these matters. indeed i advise you to take care that nobody sees you going in.”

i followed the ex-capuchin’s advice and waited for the dusk of the evening. i had a good reception, but the supper was poor, and the hours that i spent with two young girls of the working class were tedious. they were pretty enough, but my head was full of my perfidious charmer, and besides, despite their neatness and prettiness, they were wanting in that grace which adds so many charms to pleasure. the liberality of my payment, to which they were not accustomed, captivated the old woman, who said she would get me all the best stuff in the town; but she warned me to take care that nobody saw me going into her house.

when i got back le duc told me that i had been wise to slip away, as my masquerade had become generally known, and the whole house, including the landlord, had been eagerly waiting to see me play the part of waiter. “i took your place,” he added. “the lady who has taken your fancy is madame — — and i must confess she is vastly fine.”

“did she ask where the other waiter was?”

“no, but the other ladies asked what had become of you several times.”

“and madame said nothing?”

“she didn’t open her mouth, but looked sad and seemed to care for nothing, till i said you were away because you were ill.”

“that was stupid of you. why did you say that?”

“i had to say something.”

“true. did you untie her shoe?”

“no; she did not want me to do so.”

“good. who told you her name?”

“her coachman. she is just married to a man older than herself.”

i went to bed, but could only think of the indiscretion and sadness of my fair lady. i could not reconcile the two traits in her character. next day, knowing that she would be starting early, i posted myself at the window to see her get into the carriage, but i took care to arrange the curtain in such a way that i could not be seen. madame was the last to get in, and pretending that she wanted to see if it rained, she took off her bonnet and lifted her head. drawing the curtain with one hand, and taking off my cap with the other, i wafted her a kiss with the tips of my fingers. in her turn she bowed graciously, returning my kiss with a good-natured smile.