it fell to my lot, this last bleak spring, to find myself in a watering-place out of the season. a vicious north-east squall blew me into it from foreign parts, and i tarried in it alone for three days, resolved to be exceedingly busy.

on the first day, i began business by looking for two hours at the sea, and staring the foreign militia out of countenance. having disposed of these important engagements, i sat down at one of the two windows of my room, intent on doing something desperate in the way of literary composition, and writing a chapter of unheard-of excellence — with which the present essay has no connexion.

it is a remarkable quality in a watering-place out of the season, that everything in it, will and must be looked at. i had no previous suspicion of this fatal truth but, the moment i sat down to write, i began to perceive it. i had scarcely fallen into my most promising attitude, and dipped my pen in the ink, when i found the clock upon the pier — a red-faced clock with a white rim — importuning me in a highly vexatious manner to consult my watch, and see how i was off for greenwich time. having no intention of making a voyage or taking an observation, i had not the least need of greenwich time, and could have put up with watering-place time as a sufficiently accurate article. the pier-clock, however, persisting, i felt it necessary to lay down my pen, compare my watch with him, and fall into a grave solicitude about half-seconds. i had taken up my pen again, and was about to commence that valuable chapter, when a custom-house cutter under the window requested that i would hold a naval review of her, immediately.

it was impossible, under the circumstances, for any mental resolution, merely human, to dismiss the custom-house cutter, because the shadow of her topmast fell upon my paper, and the vane played on the masterly blank chapter. i was therefore under the necessity of going to the other window; sitting astride of the chair there, like napoleon bivouacking in the print; and inspecting the cutter as she lay, all that day, in the way of my chapter, o! she was rigged to carry a quantity of canvas, but her hull was so very small that four giants aboard of her (three men and a boy) who were vigilantly scraping at her, all together, inspired me with a terror lest they should scrape her away. a fifth giant, who appeared to consider himself ‘below’ — as indeed he was, from the waist downwards — meditated, in such close proximity with the little gusty chimney-pipe, that he seemed to be smoking it. several boys looked on from the wharf, and, when the gigantic attention appeared to be fully occupied, one or other of these would furtively swing himself in mid-air over the custom-house cutter, by means of a line pendant from her rigging, like a young spirit of the storm. presently, a sixth hand brought down two little water-casks; presently afterwards, a truck came, and delivered a hamper. i was now under an obligation to consider that the cutter was going on a cruise, and to wonder where she was going, and when she was going, and why she was going, and at what date she might be expected back, and who commanded her? with these pressing questions i was fully occupied when the packet, making ready to go across, and blowing off her spare steam, roared, ‘look at me!’

it became a positive duty to look at the packet preparing to go across; aboard of which, the people newly come down by the rail-road were hurrying in a great fluster. the crew had got their tarry overalls on — and one knew what that meant — not to mention the white basins, ranged in neat little piles of a dozen each, behind the door of the after-cabin. one lady as i looked, one resigning and far-seeing woman, took her basin from the store of crockery, as she might have taken a refreshment-ticket, laid herself down on deck with that utensil at her ear, muffled her feet in one shawl, solemnly covered her countenance after the antique manner with another, and on the completion of these preparations appeared by the strength of her volition to become insensible. the mail-bags (o that i myself had the sea-legs of a mail-bag!) were tumbled aboard; the packet left off roaring, warped out, and made at the white line upon the bar. one dip, one roll, one break of the sea over her bows, and moore’s almanack or the sage raphael could not have told me more of the state of things aboard, than i knew.

the famous chapter was all but begun now, and would have been quite begun, but for the wind. it was blowing stiffly from the east, and it rumbled in the chimney and shook the house. that was not much; but, looking out into the wind’s grey eye for inspiration, i laid down my pen again to make the remark to myself, how emphatically everything by the sea declares that it has a great concern in the state of the wind. the trees blown all one way; the defences of the harbour reared highest and strongest against the raging point; the shingle flung up on the beach from the same direction; the number of arrows pointed at the common enemy; the sea tumbling in and rushing towards them as if it were inflamed by the sight. this put it in my head that i really ought to go out and take a walk in the wind; so, i gave up the magnificent chapter for that day, entirely persuading myself that i was under a moral obligation to have a blow.

i had a good one, and that on the high road — the very high road — on the top of the cliffs, where i met the stage-coach with all the outsides holding their hats on and themselves too, and overtook a flock of sheep with the wool about their necks blown into such great ruffs that they looked like fleecy owls. the wind played upon the lighthouse as if it were a great whistle, the spray was driven over the sea in a cloud of haze, the ships rolled and pitched heavily, and at intervals long slants and flaws of light made mountain-steeps of communication between the ocean and the sky. a walk of ten miles brought me to a seaside town without a cliff, which, like the town i had come from, was out of the season too. half of the houses were shut up; half of the other half were to let; the town might have done as much business as it was doing then, if it had been at the bottom of the sea. nobody seemed to flourish save the attorney; his clerk’s pen was going in the bow-window of his wooden house; his brass door-plate alone was free from salt, and had been polished up that morning. on the beach, among the rough buggers and capstans, groups of storm-beaten boatmen, like a sort of marine monsters, watched under the lee of those objects, or stood leaning forward against the wind, looking out through battered spy-glasses. the parlour bell in the admiral benbow had grown so flat with being out of the season, that neither could i hear it ring when i pulled the handle for lunch, nor could the young woman in black stockings and strong shoes, who acted as waiter out of the season, until it had been tinkled three times.

admiral benbow’s cheese was out of the season, but his home-made bread was good, and his beer was perfect. deluded by some earlier spring day which had been warm and sunny, the admiral had cleared the firing out of his parlour stove, and had put some flower-pots in — which was amiable and hopeful in the admiral, but not judicious: the room being, at that present visiting, transcendantly cold. i therefore took the liberty of peeping out across a little stone passage into the admiral’s kitchen, and, seeing a high settle with its back towards me drawn out in front of the admiral’s kitchen fire, i strolled in, bread and cheese in hand, munching and looking about. one landsman and two boatmen were seated on the settle, smoking pipes and drinking beer out of thick pint crockery mugs — mugs peculiar to such places, with parti-coloured rings round them, and ornaments between the rings like frayed-out roots. the landsman was relating his experience, as yet only three nights old, of a fearful running-down case in the channel, and therein presented to my imagination a sound of music that it will not soon forget.

‘at that identical moment of time,’ said he (he was a prosy man by nature, who rose with his subject), ‘the night being light and calm, but with a grey mist upon the water that didn’t seem to spread for more than two or three mile, i was walking up and down the wooden causeway next the pier, off where it happened, along with a friend of mine, which his name is mr. clocker. mr. clocker is a grocer over yonder.’ (from the direction in which he pointed the bowl of his pipe, i might have judged mr. clocker to be a merman, established in the grocery trade in five-and-twenty fathoms of water.) ‘we were smoking our pipes, and walking up and down the causeway, talking of one thing and talking of another. we were quite alone there, except that a few hovellers’ (the kentish name for ‘long-shore boatmen like his companions) ‘were hanging about their lugs, waiting while the tide made, as hovellers will.’ (one of the two boatmen, thoughtfully regarding me, shut up one eye; this i understood to mean: first, that he took me into the conversation: secondly, that he confirmed the proposition: thirdly, that he announced himself as a hoveller.) ‘all of a sudden mr. clocker and me stood rooted to the spot, by hearing a sound come through the stillness, right over the sea, like a great sorrowful flute or aeolian harp. we didn’t in the least know what it was, and judge of our surprise when we saw the hovellers, to a man, leap into the boats and tear about to hoist sail and get off, as if they had every one of ’em gone, in a moment, raving mad! but they knew it was the cry of distress from the sinking emigrant ship.’

when i got back to my watering-place out of the season, and had done my twenty miles in good style, i found that the celebrated black mesmerist intended favouring the public that evening in the hall of the muses, which he had engaged for the purpose. after a good dinner, seated by the fire in an easy chair, i began to waver in a design i had formed of waiting on the black mesmerist, and to incline towards the expediency of remaining where i was. indeed a point of gallantry was involved in my doing so, inasmuch as i had not left france alone, but had come from the prisons of st. pelagie with my distinguished and unfortunate friend madame roland (in two volumes which i bought for two francs each, at the book-stall in the place de la concorde, paris, at the corner of the rue royale). deciding to pass the evening tete-a-tete with madame roland, i derived, as i always do, great pleasure from that spiritual woman’s society, and the charms of her brave soul and engaging conversation. i must confess that if she had only some more faults, only a few more passionate failings of any kind, i might love her better; but i am content to believe that the deficiency is in me, and not in her. we spent some sadly interesting hours together on this occasion, and she told me again of her cruel discharge from the abbaye, and of her being re-arrested before her free feet had sprung lightly up half-a-dozen steps of her own staircase, and carried off to the prison which she only left for the guillotine.

madame roland and i took leave of one another before mid-night, and i went to bed full of vast intentions for next day, in connexion with the unparalleled chapter. to hear the foreign mail-steamers coming in at dawn of day, and to know that i was not aboard or obliged to get up, was very comfortable; so, i rose for the chapter in great force.

i had advanced so far as to sit down at my window again on my second morning, and to write the first half-line of the chapter and strike it out, not liking it, when my conscience reproached me with not having surveyed the watering-place out of the season, after all, yesterday, but with having gone straight out of it at the rate of four miles and a half an hour. obviously the best amends that i could make for this remissness was to go and look at it without another moment’s delay. so — altogether as a matter of duty — i gave up the magnificent chapter for another day, and sauntered out with my hands in my pockets.

all the houses and lodgings ever let to visitors, were to let that morning. it seemed to have snowed bills with to let upon them. this put me upon thinking what the owners of all those apartments did, out of the season; how they employed their time, and occupied their minds. they could not be always going to the methodist chapels, of which i passed one every other minute. they must have some other recreation. whether they pretended to take one another’s lodgings, and opened one another’s tea-caddies in fun? whether they cut slices off their own beef and mutton, and made believe that it belonged to somebody else? whether they played little dramas of life, as children do, and said, ‘i ought to come and look at your apartments, and you ought to ask two guineas a-week too much, and then i ought to say i must have the rest of the day to think of it, and then you ought to say that another lady and gentleman with no children in family had made an offer very close to your own terms, and you had passed your word to give them a positive answer in half an hour, and indeed were just going to take the bill down when you heard the knock, and then i ought to take them, you know?’ twenty such speculations engaged my thoughts. then, after passing, still clinging to the walls, defaced rags of the bills of last year’s circus, i came to a back field near a timber-yard where the circus itself had been, and where there was yet a sort of monkish tonsure on the grass, indicating the spot where the young lady had gone round upon her pet steed firefly in her daring flight. turning into the town again, i came among the shops, and they were emphatically out of the season. the chemist had no boxes of ginger-beer powders, no beautifying sea-side soaps and washes, no attractive scents; nothing but his great goggle-eyed red bottles, looking as if the winds of winter and the drift of the salt-sea had inflamed them. the grocers’ hot pickles, harvey’s sauce, doctor kitchener’s zest, anchovy paste, dundee marmalade, and the whole stock of luxurious helps to appetite, were hybernating somewhere underground. the china-shop had no trifles from anywhere. the bazaar had given in altogether, and presented a notice on the shutters that this establishment would re-open at whitsuntide, and that the proprietor in the meantime might be heard of at wild lodge, east cliff. at the sea-bathing establishment, a row of neat little wooden houses seven or eight feet high, i saw the proprietor in bed in the shower-bath. as to the bathing-machines, they were (how they got there, is not for me to say) at the top of a hill at least a mile and a half off. the library, which i had never seen otherwise than wide open, was tight shut; and two peevish bald old gentlemen seemed to be hermetically sealed up inside, eternally reading the paper. that wonderful mystery, the music-shop, carried it off as usual (except that it had more cabinet pianos in stock), as if season or no season were all one to it. it made the same prodigious display of bright brazen wind-instruments, horribly twisted, worth, as i should conceive, some thousands of pounds, and which it is utterly impossible that anybody in any season can ever play or want to play. it had five triangles in the window, six pairs of castanets, and three harps; likewise every polka with a coloured frontispiece that ever was published; from the original one where a smooth male and female pole of high rank are coming at the observer with their arms a-kimbo, to the ratcatcher’s daughter. astonishing establishment, amazing enigma! three other shops were pretty much out of the season, what they were used to be in it. first, the shop where they sell the sailors’ watches, which had still the old collection of enormous timekeepers, apparently designed to break a fall from the masthead: with places to wind them up, like fire-plugs. secondly, the shop where they sell the sailors’ clothing, which displayed the old sou’-westers, and the old oily suits, and the old pea-jackets, and the old one sea-chest, with its handles like a pair of rope ear-rings. thirdly, the unchangeable shop for the sale of literature that has been left behind. here, dr. faustus was still going down to very red and yellow perdition, under the superintendence of three green personages of a scaly humour, with excrescential serpents growing out of their blade-bones. here, the golden dreamer, and the norwood fortune teller, were still on sale at sixpence each, with instructions for making the dumb cake, and reading destinies in tea-cups, and with a picture of a young woman with a high waist lying on a sofa in an attitude so uncomfortable as almost to account for her dreaming at one and the same time of a conflagration, a shipwreck, an earthquake, a skeleton, a church-porch, lightning, funerals performed, and a young man in a bright blue coat and canary pantaloons. here, were little warblers and fairburn’s comic songsters. here, too, were ballads on the old ballad paper and in the old confusion of types; with an old man in a cocked hat, and an arm-chair, for the illustration to will watch the bold smuggler; and the friar of orders grey, represented by a little girl in a hoop, with a ship in the distance. all these as of yore, when they were infinite delights to me!

it took me so long fully to relish these many enjoyments, that i had not more than an hour before bedtime to devote to madame roland. we got on admirably together on the subject of her convent education, and i rose next morning with the full conviction that the day for the great chapter was at last arrived.

it had fallen calm, however, in the night, and as i sat at breakfast i blushed to remember that i had not yet been on the downs. i a walker, and not yet on the downs! really, on so quiet and bright a morning this must be set right. as an essential part of the whole duty of man, therefore, i left the chapter to itself — for the present — and went on the downs. they were wonderfully green and beautiful, and gave me a good deal to do. when i had done with the free air and the view, i had to go down into the valley and look after the hops (which i know nothing about), and to be equally solicitous as to the cherry orchards. then i took it on myself to cross-examine a tramping family in black (mother alleged, i have no doubt by herself in person, to have died last week), and to accompany eighteenpence which produced a great effect, with moral admonitions which produced none at all. finally, it was late in the afternoon before i got back to the unprecedented chapter, and then i determined that it was out of the season, as the place was, and put it away.

i went at night to the benefit of mrs. b. wedgington at the theatre, who had placarded the town with the admonition, ‘don’t forget it!’ i made the house, according to my calculation, four and ninepence to begin with, and it may have warmed up, in the course of the evening, to half a sovereign. there was nothing to offend any one, — the good mr. baines of leeds excepted. mrs. b. wedgington sang to a grand piano. mr. b. wedgington did the like, and also took off his coat, tucked up his trousers, and danced in clogs. master b. wedgington, aged ten months, was nursed by a shivering young person in the boxes, and the eye of mrs. b. wedgington wandered that way more than once. peace be with all the wedgingtons from a. to z. may they find themselves in the season somewhere!