the wits of the present age being so very numerous and penetrating, it seems the grandees of church and state begin to fall under horrible apprehensions lest these gentlemen, during the intervals of a long peace, should find leisure to pick holes in the weak sides of religion and government. to prevent which, there has been much thought employed of late upon certain projects for taking off the force and edge of those formidable inquirers from canvassing and reasoning upon such delicate points. they have at length fixed upon one, which will require some time as well as cost to perfect. meanwhile, the danger hourly increasing, by new levies of wits, all appointed (as there is reason to fear) with pen, ink, and paper, which may at an hour’s warning be drawn out into pamphlets and other offensive weapons ready for immediate execution, it was judged of absolute necessity that some present expedient be thought on till the main design can be brought to maturity. to this end, at a grand committee, some days ago, this important discovery was made by a certain curious and refined observer, that seamen have a custom when they meet a whale to fling him out an empty tub, by way of amusement, to divert him from laying violent hands upon the ship. this parable was immediately mythologised; the whale was interpreted to be hobbes’s “leviathan,” which tosses and plays with all other schemes of religion and government, whereof a great many are hollow, and dry, and empty, and noisy, and wooden, and given to rotation. this is the leviathan from whence the terrible wits of our age are said to borrow their weapons. the ship in danger is easily understood to be its old antitype the commonwealth. but how to analyse the tub was a matter of difficulty, when, after long inquiry and debate, the literal meaning was preserved, and it was decreed that, in order to prevent these leviathans from tossing and sporting with the commonwealth, which of itself is too apt to fluctuate, they should be diverted from that game by “a tale of a tub.” and my genius being conceived to lie not unhappily that way, i had the honour done me to be engaged in the performance.

this is the sole design in publishing the following treatise, which i hope will serve for an interim of some months to employ those unquiet spirits till the perfecting of that great work, into the secret of which it is reasonable the courteous reader should have some little light.

it is intended that a large academy be erected, capable of containing nine thousand seven hundred forty and three persons, which, by modest computation, is reckoned to be pretty near the current number of wits in this island 1. these are to be disposed into the several schools of this academy, and there pursue those studies to which their genius most inclines them. the undertaker himself will publish his proposals with all convenient speed, to which i shall refer the curious reader for a more particular account, mentioning at present only a few of the principal schools. there is, first, a large pederastic school, with french and italian masters; there is also the spelling school, a very spacious building; the school of looking-glasses; the school of swearing; the school of critics; the school of salivation; the school of hobby-horses; the school of poetry; the school of tops; the school of spleen; the school of gaming; with many others too tedious to recount. no person to be admitted member into any of these schools without an attestation under two sufficient persons’ hands certifying him to be a wit.

but to return. i am sufficiently instructed in the principal duty of a preface if my genius, were capable of arriving at it. thrice have i forced my imagination to take the tour of my invention, and thrice it has returned empty, the latter having been wholly drained by the following treatise. not so my more successful brethren the moderns, who will by no means let slip a preface or dedication without some notable distinguishing stroke to surprise the reader at the entry, and kindle a wonderful expectation of what is to ensue. such was that of a most ingenious poet, who, soliciting his brain for something new, compared himself to the hangman and his patron to the patient. this was insigne, recens, indictum ore alio 2. when i went through that necessary and noble course of study, 3 i had the happiness to observe many such egregious touches, which i shall not injure the authors by transplanting, because i have remarked that nothing is so very tender as a modern piece of wit, and which is apt to suffer so much in the carriage. some things are extremely witty to-day, or fasting, or in this place, or at eight o’clock, or over a bottle, or spoke by mr. whatdyecall’m, or in a summer’s morning, any of which, by the smallest transposal or misapplication, is utterly annihilate. thus wit has its walks and purlieus, out of which it may not stray the breadth of a hair, upon peril of being lost. the moderns have artfully fixed this mercury, and reduced it to the circumstances of time, place, and person. such a jest there is that will not pass out of covent garden, and such a one that is nowhere intelligible but at hyde park corner. now, though it sometimes tenderly affects me to consider that all the towardly passages i shall deliver in the following treatise will grow quite out of date and relish with the first shifting of the present scene, yet i must need subscribe to the justice of this proceeding, because i cannot imagine why we should be at expense to furnish wit for succeeding ages, when the former have made no sort of provision for ours; wherein i speak the sentiment of the very newest, and consequently the most orthodox refiners, as well as my own. however, being extremely solicitous that every accomplished person who has got into the taste of wit calculated for this present month of august 1697 should descend to the very bottom of all the sublime throughout this treatise, i hold it fit to lay down this general maxim. whatever reader desires to have a thorough comprehension of an author’s thoughts, cannot take a better method than by putting himself into the circumstances and posture of life that the writer was in upon every important passage as it flowed from his pen, for this will introduce a parity and strict correspondence of ideas between the reader and the author. now, to assist the diligent reader in so delicate an affair — as far as brevity will permit — i have recollected that the shrewdest pieces of this treatise were conceived in bed in a garret. at other times (for a reason best known to myself) i thought fit to sharpen my invention with hunger, and in general the whole work was begun, continued, and ended under a long course of physic and a great want of money. now, i do affirm it will be absolutely impossible for the candid peruser to go along with me in a great many bright passages, unless upon the several difficulties emergent he will please to capacitate and prepare himself by these directions. and this i lay down as my principal postulatum.

because i have professed to be a most devoted servant of all modern forms, i apprehend some curious wit may object against me for proceeding thus far in a preface without declaiming, according to custom, against the multitude of writers whereof the whole multitude of writers most reasonably complain. i am just come from perusing some hundreds of prefaces, wherein the authors do at the very beginning address the gentle reader concerning this enormous grievance. of these i have preserved a few examples, and shall set them down as near as my memory has been able to retain them.

one begins thus: “for a man to set up for a writer when the press swarms with,” &c.

another: “the tax upon paper does not lessen the number of scribblers who daily pester,” &c.

another: “when every little would-be wit takes pen in hand, ’tis in vain to enter the lists,” &c.

another: “to observe what trash the press swarms with,” &c.

another: “sir, it is merely in obedience to your commands that i venture into the public, for who upon a less consideration would be of a party with such a rabble of scribblers,” &c.

now, i have two words in my own defence against this objection. first, i am far from granting the number of writers a nuisance to our nation, having strenuously maintained the contrary in several parts of the following discourse; secondly, i do not well understand the justice of this proceeding, because i observe many of these polite prefaces to be not only from the same hand, but from those who are most voluminous in their several productions; upon which i shall tell the reader a short tale.

a mountebank in leicester fields had drawn a huge assembly about him. among the rest, a fat unwieldy fellow, half stifled in the press, would be every fit crying out, “lord! what a filthy crowd is here. pray, good people, give way a little. bless need what a devil has raked this rabble together. z—— ds, what squeezing is this? honest friend, remove your elbow.” at last a weaver that stood next him could hold no longer. “a plague confound you,” said he, “for an overgrown sloven; and who in the devil’s name, i wonder, helps to make up the crowd half so much as yourself? don’t you consider that you take up more room with that carcass than any five here? is not the place as free for us as for you? bring your own guts to a reasonable compass, and then i’ll engage we shall have room enough for us all.”

there are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof i hope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where i am not understood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profound is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentence is printed in a different character shall be judged to contain something extraordinary either of wit or sublime.

as for the liberty i have thought fit to take of praising myself, upon some occasions or none, i am sure it will need no excuse if a multitude of great examples be allowed sufficient authority; for it is here to be noted that praise was originally a pension paid by the world, but the moderns, finding the trouble and charge too great in collecting it, have lately bought out the fee-simple, since which time the right of presentation is wholly in ourselves. for this reason it is that when an author makes his own eulogy, he uses a certain form to declare and insist upon his title, which is commonly in these or the like words, “i speak without vanity,” which i think plainly shows it to be a matter of right and justice. now, i do here once for all declare, that in every encounter of this nature through the following treatise the form aforesaid is implied, which i mention to save the trouble of repeating it on so many occasions.

it is a great ease to my conscience that i have written so elaborate and useful a discourse without one grain of satire intermixed, which is the sole point wherein i have taken leave to dissent from the famous originals of our age and country. i have observed some satirists to use the public much at the rate that pedants do a naughty boy ready horsed for discipline. first expostulate the case, then plead the necessity of the rod from great provocations, and conclude every period with a lash. now, if i know anything of mankind, these gentlemen might very well spare their reproof and correction, for there is not through all nature another so callous and insensible a member as the world’s posteriors, whether you apply to it the toe or the birch. besides, most of our late satirists seem to lie under a sort of mistake, that because nettles have the prerogative to sting, therefore all other weeds must do so too. i make not this comparison out of the least design to detract from these worthy writers, for it is well known among mythologists that weeds have the pre-eminence over all other vegetables; and therefore the first monarch of this island whose taste and judgment were so acute and refined, did very wisely root out the roses from the collar of the order and plant the thistles in their stead, as the nobler flower of the two. for which reason it is conjectured by profounder antiquaries that the satirical itch, so prevalent in this part of our island, was first brought among us from beyond the tweed. here may it long flourish and abound; may it survive and neglect the scorn of the world with as much ease and contempt as the world is insensible to the lashes of it. may their own dulness, or that of their party, be no discouragement for the authors to proceed; but let them remember it is with wits as with razors, which are never so apt to cut those they are employed on as when they have lost their edge. besides, those whose teeth are too rotten to bite are best of all others qualified to revenge that defect with their breath.

i am not, like other men, to envy or undervalue the talents i cannot reach, for which reason i must needs bear a true honour to this large eminent sect of our british writers. and i hope this little panegyric will not be offensive to their ears, since it has the advantage of being only designed for themselves. indeed, nature herself has taken order that fame and honour should be purchased at a better pennyworth by satire than by any other productions of the brain, the world being soonest provoked to praise by lashes, as men are to love. there is a problem in an ancient author why dedications and other bundles of flattery run all upon stale musty topics, without the smallest tincture of anything new, not only to the torment and nauseating of the christian reader, but, if not suddenly prevented, to the universal spreading of that pestilent disease the lethargy in this island, whereas there is very little satire which has not something in it untouched before. the defects of the former are usually imputed to the want of invention among those who are dealers in that kind; but i think with a great deal of injustice, the solution being easy and natural, for the materials of panegyric, being very few in number, have been long since exhausted; for as health is but one thing, and has been always the same, whereas diseases are by thousands, besides new and daily additions, so all the virtues that have been ever in mankind are to be counted upon a few fingers, but his follies and vices are innumerable, and time adds hourly to the heap. now the utmost a poor poet can do is to get by heart a list of the cardinal virtues and deal them with his utmost liberality to his hero or his patron. he may ring the changes as far as it will go, and vary his phrase till he has talked round, but the reader quickly finds it is all pork, 4 with a little variety of sauce, for there is no inventing terms of art beyond our ideas, and when ideas are exhausted, terms of art must be so too.

but though the matter for panegyric were as fruitful as the topics of satire, yet would it not be hard to find out a sufficient reason why the latter will be always better received than the first; for this being bestowed only upon one or a few persons at a time, is sure to raise envy, and consequently ill words, from the rest who have no share in the blessing. but satire, being levelled at all, is never resented for an offence by any, since every individual person makes bold to understand it of others, and very wisely removes his particular part of the burden upon the shoulders of the world, which are broad enough and able to bear it. to this purpose i have sometimes reflected upon the difference between athens and england with respect to the point before us. in the attic 5 commonwealth it was the privilege and birthright of every citizen and poet to rail aloud and in public, or to expose upon the stage by name any person they pleased, though of the greatest figure, whether a creon, an hyperbolus, an alcibiades, or a demosthenes. but, on the other side, the least reflecting word let fall against the people in general was immediately caught up and revenged upon the authors, however considerable for their quality or their merits; whereas in england it is just the reverse of all this. here you may securely display your utmost rhetoric against mankind in the face of the world; tell them that all are gone astray; that there is none that doeth good, no, not one; that we live in the very dregs of time; that knavery and atheism are epidemic as the pox; that honesty is fled with astraea; with any other common-places equally new and eloquent, which are furnished by the splendida bills 6; and when you have done, the whole audience, far from being offended, shall return you thanks as a deliverer of precious and useful truths. nay, further, it is but to venture your lungs, and you may preach in covent garden against foppery and fornication, and something else; against pride, and dissimulation, and bribery at whitehall. you may expose rapine and injustice in the inns-of-court chapel, and in a city pulpit be as fierce as you please against avarice, hypocrisy, and extortion. it is but a ball bandied to and fro, and every man carries a racket about him to strike it from himself among the rest of the company. but, on the other side, whoever should mistake the nature of things so far as to drop but a single hint in public how such a one starved half the fleet, and half poisoned the rest; how such a one, from a true principle of love and honour, pays no debts but for wenches and play; how such a one runs out of his estate; how paris, bribed by juno and venus, loath to offend either party, slept out the whole cause on the bench; or how such an orator makes long speeches in the senate, with much thought, little sense, and to no purpose; — whoever, i say, should venture to be thus particular, must expect to be imprisoned for scandalum magnatum, to have challenges sent him, to be sued for defamation, and to be brought before the bar of the house.

but i forget that i am expatiating on a subject wherein i have no concern, having neither a talent nor an inclination for satire. on the other side, i am so entirely satisfied with the whole present procedure of human things, that i have been for some years preparing material towards “a panegyric upon the world;” to which i intended to add a second part, entitled “a modest defence of the proceedings of the rabble in all ages.” both these i had thoughts to publish by way of appendix to the following treatise; but finding my common-place book fill much slower than i had reason to expect, i have chosen to defer them to another occasion. besides, i have been unhappily prevented in that design by a certain domestic misfortune, in the particulars whereof, though it would be very seasonable, and much in the modern way, to inform the gentle reader, and would also be of great assistance towards extending this preface into the size now in vogue — which by rule ought to be large in proportion as the subsequent volume is small — yet i shall now dismiss our impatient reader from any further attendance at the porch; and having duly prepared his mind by a preliminary discourse, shall gladly introduce him to the sublime mysteries that ensue.