in the year 1874 i became john allen's wife. what has turned out so evil seemed to me as good. i thought all well lost for love, for it is so. he arranged it all; i left it to him. we were married very quietly at st. paul's church in the morning. not a soul was to know, and there would be no fuss, or anything out of the way, but just our two selves. how all comes back to me, as i think of those simple details. i thought how happy i should make him; how hard i would try to be a good wife to him, for i loved him so. in a week or so my husband went to london and i was to work till he came back, which i hoped would be only a year afterwards. but he stopped away for three years.

long before john went to england new buildings had been put up for business purposes only, but the firm still found provisions for the assistants. i could have stopped on there, only there was no convenience for me to sleep, so i found a situation in a gentleman's house, where i could sleep at night. my mistress was mrs. arthur blyth, of st. margaret's, childers-street, north adelaide. she wanted a cook, and i applied. they were satisfied with my reference and i got the place. there was only mr., mrs., and miss blyth. it was a well-appointed home, and i had no washing to do or ironing. i was beginning to be a fairly good cook and they were pleased with me. i had a comfortable home.

i knew i had married into poverty and i resolved to get as much as i could before john came back. i could put up with anything, as i hoped to have my rightful place with my husband some day. mr. blyth was knighted and soon after that they went to england, where sir arthur was agent-general. again for me were the shifting sands.

speedily i got another home with mrs. murray, whose husband was a member of the firm of d. & w. murray's. their house was at the corner of wakefield and hutt streets. i had a lot more to do there than i had at mrs. blyth's. i[pg 92] had all the washing and ironing to do. there was one other girl, a coachman, and myself. they kept a lot of company and they had only recently returned from london. travel and voyages seemed to bring such a lot of visitors. it was a relief to be done. i used to get letters from my husband, but there was always delay after delay, and all this time i had not told anyone that i was john allen's wife. such was the beginning of my married life.

does anyone love on purpose i wonder? i could not help doing so. it did not bring me happiness. it made the whole difference when i had to tell an admirer that i was a wife with no husband. nothing could undo the past. after all, i am john allen's wife. i had any amount of pity and blame, but cared for none of this, and i am now beyond caring.

but i must keep to that time. my brother was taken ill with rheumatism and he could not move. he had a furniture shop in hindley-street. he had three little children, and, by the irony of fate, my sister-in-law met with an accident and was taken to the "hospital." i used to go from hutt-street to hindley-street, after attending a late dinner. there were no cars then in the streets and i had to walk. i would try to do something for those dear ones. and sometimes it would be nearly 11 o'clock before i could start back for hutt-street. i may have many faults, but i am no coward. i could face what awaited me, but truly dismay would come if i saw a "group" of men or youths standing in the street on my way to hutt-street. i would run past. only once a man i tried to get pass stretched out his arms and caught me. he let me go as quickly. i felt i was able to take care of myself so long as i was not caught hold of. i felt lonely. i would sit and cry as if tears would do anything. i cried and cried. the firm at 38, rundle-street had another shop in hindley-street. some changes were made and one of the firm went to the shop in hindley-street. he was my employer before, and i learned that he wanted someone in the same capacity as in rundle-street. i told mrs. murray my distress at having to come so far so late at night. she was very much put out. still i think she realised my situation when i explained that i was going back to my late employer.

all things considered, i had cause to be thankful. my quarters were not at all uncomfortable, and there were some of the young people from 38 there to work and to live on the premises. hutt-street was a more pleasing-looking place to live, but how i dreaded to walk down there in the night-time. when i see the cars now travelling to that part of the city those dark and lone way-marks all come back. i was glad when my sister-in-law got to her home again.

so the time went on. it certainly had a bright side, for i had more time, and could go and see my friends at favorable times[pg 93] and on the sundays. the only drawback was some queer-looking old houses i had to pass at the back, as i came out and in, for i saw some vicious-looking people, which made me feel slightly nervous. i was often there all by myself on the holiday time; no one else being in the whole place. i have heard those people quarrelling at all hours of the night and making darkness horrible. there was only a small fence with a right-of-way to separate it from us. the shop was a drapery, clothing, and millinery establishment, and the proprietor of the shop was responsible for the rents of the old houses at the back. no one could have complained of the place as dull in the daytime. from early morning till closing time i was amused by some eventful excitement in what was taking place. the shop was opposite to what is now the skating rink, or ice palace. at that time there could be seen at the shop doors and on every available place the goods put out in rolls for show and they had price-tickets on. one saturday afternoon i was looking out of the back window, when i saw a woman who lived in one of the old houses going into her house with a roll of tweed tartan over her shoulder and a ticket dangling loose to tell how much a yard it was. it being tea-time, i called some of the young men just in time to see it. they said it was taken from the front door. the police were sent for and her place was searched, and it was found she had enough stuff there to stock a shop.

all the things were brought into our place. there were rolls upon rolls of all sorts of materials, with 27 suits of boys' clothing, and so on. it turned out that there were the trade marks of many other shops on goods there as well, and each one came and got his own. the woman was taken to prison, and on the monday morning the owners had each to go and identify his own goods. all the things were taken to the station. i had to go, too. i was summoned in the name of macdonald. it was then that i told my employer that i was john allen's wife. i could not give a name that i had no right to. there was no end of trouble about those goods, and the case being more than could be settled in the police court the matter went on to the supreme court, for trial. we had to go to the supreme court when the time came.

day after day before john went to england, he told me of some relative of his who had married a second time in a very short interval. i only knew what he chose to tell me of this friend. i thought this friend was the cause of my husband staying away so long. i had a letter from him to say that he would like to bring this relative with him to australia when he came back, and i was to send a telegram to say "yes" or "no." i made enquiries about the cost of the telegram, and was told that, with the name and address, it would cost me over ￡6. the sending of[pg 94] telegrams was very new then. i would have said "no," i am quite sure. although i would not wish to do an unkind action, behind this was my suffering. john knew my opinions on that subject, and calm reason could have told him i could not have acted differently.

again and again would arise in my mind instances i knew of both at 38, rundle-street, and elsewhere, of marriages like mine, which had been apparently happy, and where promises had been loyally kept, and both were blessed. the objectless course my life was taking did not make matters any better. who was i that i could not do as others had done without sin? then i had to accept the unpalatable advice all round that i should not have married. with one thing and another fresh difficulties for ever seemed cropping up with regard to my husband. has this sort of thing ever been sufficient to satisfy a woman's heart i wonder? all the forces of evil were arrayed against me at that time.

then he wrote and said that he was coming back, and i thought after what i had written to him that i had gained my point, and that he was returning to me. i had formed my own opinion of the man i had married, and i was impressed with the tone of his life when i first knew him. there was nothing foppish about john allen. he was courteous toward women, and this contrasted well with the familiarity of some young men, whom we both knew. i wanted no unwarrantable interference between him and me. i knew i would do my best for him, but that if anything upset my confidence in him he would find my convictions were strong, and that strong they would remain, despite human affection, or soreness of heart. people do wise things and foolish things for the sake of love, which they would never think of doing at other times.

so i brightened up, and set about my work with a sense of duty. i was happy; yes, a really happy girl once more. i had allowed myself to believe that at last, after my many disappointments, my husband would really come. he did not positively give the name of the steamer by which he was coming, or when he would arrive. i felt a nameless uneasiness, for i had bought over the goodwill of a boarding-house in pirie-street, and paid ￡50 for it. several of the gentlemen already there remained on. my reason for choosing this home was that i felt so full of energy, that the thought of doing nothing, and being a helpless creature, was one that did not suit me. i hoped john would see everything in the same light. to me life in all its aspects was so real. i had no false pride. one can never foretell events, and sometimes all things seem possible. an any rate, it was my own money i used. i never troubled my husband for any support. perhaps that could not be helped, but i do know that i had not a shilling in the world when john went away. i have[pg 95] no choice but to speak the truth, and i think he will forgive me for doing so after all i have gone through.

one day a business gentleman came to see if i could find room for a young clerk, who was coming to his warehouse in rundle-street. he asked if i could have the room ready for that night, as the steamboat was hourly expected. when evening came i waited and watched for this young man. my anxiety made life a continual waiting for my husband. day after day, and night after night, i thought of him. i can scarcely bear to think of that time. i felt that when he arrived he would go to some of his friends, who would tell him my address in pirie-street. on that eventful night that the young man was to arrive i had gone to bed when a knock came to the door. i opened the door, thinking it was the man for whom the room had been made ready. in came my husband. he was but little changed. i thought him better looking.

i will say nothing about this mad love of mine. john went always straight to his point, whatever it was, and before he was in my room five minutes he told me that his relative had come. it was the one we had quarrelled about in our letters. i never quite knew what i said, but whatever the words were he understood them. i lost all control of myself. all my hopes were quenched in a moment, and the future seemed most terrible to me. i saw everything, and it was not as i hoped it would be. it never dawned on me that his feelings for me could be any different from my own for him.