on the next morning ben went away without a word, no repentance of his intention or lingering desire to postpone it having apparently crossed his mind. he took leave of his mother the night before, for he was going away early. ‘it will not be for seven years this time,’ he said, as he kissed her, and was going to kiss mary, too,—a formula which his cousin, with a pang of mortification in her heart, felt might be better dispensed with. ‘nay; i shall see you in the morning,’ she said, half terrified lest the blood which she felt to be scorching her cheek might ‘make him think anything.’ what should it make him think? she puzzled him a little, it must be allowed; but he was not the kind of man who can think of many different things at one time. his mind had been absorbed with the business which brought him to renton. it was absorbed now with thoughts of what he had to do in the winding-up of his own affairs. now and then it flitted vaguely across his perception that mary had something on her mind{263} which, one time or other, it would be his business to see into. dear little mary! ben was very fond of his cousin. if she had wanted a hair from the beard of the cham of tartary, or a golden apple from the tree of bliss in the gardens of the enchanted isles, he would have done all a man could do to get it for her. but he did not know now what she wanted, or if she wanted anything,—and that was one of the matters which could wait till he came home.
laurie, too, was going away with ben, though only to town; and the night before they left was a night of talk and recollections more than the separated family had yet permitted themselves. it was true that hillyard put himself singularly in their way. perhaps he had not had all the advantages of the rentons; but still he was a gentleman, though much knocking about the world had taken some of the outside polish off him, and he had never shown any inclination to intrude upon their private talk, or make himself a sharer in the family communings,—never till now. perhaps it was because they were just setting off again, and ben’s family came in for the attendrissement, which might have been more justly bestowed upon his own. but it was ridiculous that he should plant himself by mary, occupying her attention, and pouring forth his confidences upon her, as it seemed to him good to do. they were all gathered together in the drawing-room as they had been so many times before, after mrs. renton went{264} to bed, with the windows open as usual, the lights shaded, the languor of the night and its wistfulness and soft content and melancholy stealing in; the half-darkness and the soft breathing of the night air, and the fluttering moths about the lamp, were all accessories of the picture which nobody could forget. and there was a mysterious gloom about the walls and the roof, owing to the shades on the lamps, which gave a more distinct character to the half-visible faces, each in its corner, and to the brilliant circles of illumination round every light. they had begun to talk of their father, and this last event in the story of his will, which was so strange, and so unlike all his previous life.
‘one would like to know what he meant by it,’ said laurie. ‘poor, dear old father! if there had been something dependent on the issue of our probation; if there had been a reward for the man that had used his talent best, like you, ben; or for the man who had given him an heir, like frank; but all to end in this aimless way! we have always thought ourselves very sound in the brain, we rentons, or i know what one might be tempted to think.’
‘that is what i have thought all along,’ said frank.
‘it is not for us to say so, at least,’ said the elder brother. ‘i believe illness coming on had confused his mind. they say it does. i don’t think he can have been quite clear what he was doing. and then{265} he remembered at last, and was sorry,—don’t you recollect?’
‘my poor father!’ said laurie. and then there was a pause; and in this pause, through the dimness and the stillness, came the sound of hillyard’s voice, too low to be distinguishable, coming from mary’s corner, addressed to her with a volubility and eagerness which struck them all with amazement. he had not meant to be so audible; and when, after the first silence, a little laugh burst from alice at the one voice thus brought into prominence, he faltered and stopped too, as people do under such circumstances. what could he be finding to say to mary? and what could mary be thinking of to listen to him? were the half-angry thoughts that flashed over ben’s mind. of course he was a guest here, and everybody’s equal. yet still, it seemed to ben as if, on the whole, this was bad taste, to say the least, on hillyard’s part.
but alice, though she had laughed at the sound of the solitary voice which continued when they all dropped, was eager to let loose her opinions, too, on the other subject. ‘i cannot see what other will could have been just, now,’ she said. ‘if he had told you something to do, it would have been different. but he gave you nothing to do; and how were you to know what he wanted? it was not laurie’s three princes, after all.’
‘and, now i come to think of it, i don’t believe in my three princes,’ said laurie. ‘i have not a{266} doubt they fought it out when papa was out of the way. fancy two elder brothers giving in to a fellow because he had the marvellousest little dog that ever was seen! it came to natural justice, you may be sure, at the end, and the strongest had it. and it has come to a kind of natural justice with us, so far as law allows. poor old father! one used to feel as if he must be so much wiser than we were. and it proves he was as confused as the rest, and saw just as short a way before him, and stultified himself, half-knowingly, like one of his own sons.’
‘don’t!’ said ben, with a voice of pain. he was more angry with his father than soft-hearted laurie ever could have been, and consequently was less able to talk of it. ‘thank heaven!’ he cried, suddenly, ‘i don’t suppose it has done any of us any lasting harm.’
‘no,’ said laurie, out of the silence, after a pause, ‘no more harm than we should have done ourselves, anyhow, for our own hand.’
and somehow, in the room, there was the sound of a sigh; whom it proceeded from it would be hard to tell—six people all gathered together of a soft autumn evening, and not too much light to betray them, it would be strange if there was not more than one who sighed. but alice, in the shade, slid her hand through her husband’s arm, and said joyously, ‘it has done us no harm, frank!’ ‘because we would not let it,’ he whispered back again, brushing{267} her soft cheek with his moustache. yes, that was the secret. have your will, anyhow, whether fortune permits or no; and in the long run the chances are you will come out just as well as your neighbour, who allowed fortune to constrain him, and will have had your will and your happiness into the bargain; bad social morality, perhaps, but just as good fact as any other. the young soldier and his wife had their little triumph unsuspected by the others, who heard but a momentary whisper in that corner, which was drowned by hillyard’s more forcible whisper, always conversing with mary. what did the fellow mean by it? ben was so disgusted by this ‘bad taste’ of his friend, that he got up and stepped out on the lawn, with some murmur about a cigar. and the other men all rose and joined him, though not with any enthusiasm. when they had all trooped out, he stepped back for a moment, and held out his hand to his cousin.
‘is it really the case, mary, that i am not to bid you good-bye to-night?’
‘no,’ mary said, drawing back, with a shy hesitation which he did not understand; ‘do you think i would let you go away,—so far,—and not make your breakfast for you the last morning? this is only good-night.’
‘good-night, then,’ he said, but held her hand still. ‘what was that fellow, hillyard, so voluble about?{268}’
‘that fellow!’ said mary. ‘i thought he was your great friend. indeed, it was mostly you he was talking about.’
‘a poor subject,’ ben said, only half satisfied; and then she drew her hand away from him, and he went off with a half-suspicious glance at her, and a certain sense of uneasiness, to join the men outside.
a parting in the morning is of all things in the world the most detestable. he who would have a tender farewell, and leave a soft recollection behind him, let him depart by the night train,—the later the better,—when there is no inquisitive light to spy out, not only the tear, but even that humidity of eye which tells when tears are coming. mary’s eyes were in this condition when ben rose from his hurried breakfast, and came up to her in the full light of day, and of mr. hillyard, who lingered, though nobody wanted him. she had kept behind the urn, feeling that, after all, had she stayed up-stairs and watched him going away from her window, it would have been less unsatisfactory. ‘you’ll write and let me know how things are going on,’ ben had said, not feeling particularly cheerful himself, but yet approaching the best part of the wing of a partridge to his mouth. ‘oh, yes, of course i will write, as usual,’ mary said, and he gave a nod of satisfaction as he ate. to be sure, he had to eat before he started. and then she added, ‘you’ll let us know as soon as you arrive.{269}’ and he nodded again over his coffee-cup. it was to give him his breakfast she had got up,—and what else was there to be expected? and when the dog-cart was at the door, ben wiped the crumbs carefully from his moustache, and went up to his cousin, and took her hand, and bent over her. ‘good-bye, mary,’ he said, kissing her cheek, ‘take care of yourself. i’ll write a line from town before we start. i’m very sorry, now it has come to the last. good-bye!’
‘good-bye, ben!’ she said, unable to articulate another word. the blood seemed all to stagnate about her heart. up to this moment there had always been a possibility of something happening,—something being done or said. but now it was all over. a certain haze came over her eyes, and yet she could see him looking back at her as he went to the door, with an indefinable expression. she stood and held by the back of the chair, looking out of the window before which the dog-cart was standing, forgetting for the moment that there was any one else in the world.
‘good-bye, miss westbury,’ said a voice at her ear.
mary turned round with an impatience it was scarcely possible to disguise. ‘oh, mr. hillyard, i beg your pardon! i thought you were gone. good-bye!’ she said. he was standing holding out his hand with his eyes bent on her, and a glow in them such as even a woman agitated with feelings of her own could scarcely mistake.
‘good-bye, miss westbury. i shall never for{270}get the days i have spent here,’ he said, and stooped over her hand, as if——
‘hillyard! do you mean to stay all day?’ cried ben from the dog-cart, in a tone which was not sweet.
‘indeed, you will be late for the train; you have not a moment to lose,’ cried mary, withdrawing her hand.
he muttered something, she could not tell what,—nor, indeed, did she care. ‘not farewell yet,’ was it he said? but what did it matter? the interruption had so far roused her that she felt able to go to the window and smile and wave her hand to ben. hillyard was still holding his hat in his hand, trying to attract her attention, when the dog-cart disappeared down the avenue. then mary sat down and gazed straight before her, with that poignant sense of unreality which such a moment gives. five minutes ago he was there; and now here was vacancy, silence,—a blank in which life lost itself. five minutes, and all the world changed! her brow was burning and heavy with tears unshed,—an ache which seemed physical, so hard the strain and pain it produced in her, went through her heart. and a whole long day to go through, and the birds singing merrily, and the sun shining, and old willis on his way to remove the remains of ben’s breakfast, and to spread the table for the family that remained! ‘it don’t seem no good, do it, miss mary, to have{271} master home so short, and he been so long away?’ mary started to her feet at the words. no good indeed?—perhaps harm, if one dared say so!—deeper blank and silence after the momentary movement and the light!
and now to think it was all over, and that there remained nothing but the old life to be taken up again and gone on with just as before! if it had been night, when one could have shrouded one’s-self in one’s own room, and cried or slept, and forgotten one’s-self! but it was day,—early morning,—with a whole heap of duties to be performed, and people to look on while she was performing them. and mary felt sick of it all,—the duties, and the daylight, and the life. laurie, who thought early rising idiotic, went by a much later train, at what he called a rational hour. and then the house was left in its old quiet, but for the presence of frank and alice and the children, which no doubt made a great difference. when mary went to her godmother with the newspaper she was questioned minutely about ben’s departure and his looks. ‘did he eat any breakfast, mary?’ mrs. renton said, putting her handkerchief to her eyes.
‘he ate a very good breakfast,’ said mary, with a slight sense of humour, but on the whole, a greater sense of something like displeasure. yes, he had been quite able to eat breakfast, though he was going away!{272}
‘and enjoyed it, poor fellow?’ said his mother. ‘ah, if one only knew when he would eat his next meal at renton? and was he cheerful, my dear, or did he feel it very much? poor ben! none of you think how hard it is upon me!’
‘you have frank, godmamma,’ said mary, ‘and if he settles in the dovecote it will be very nice for us all. and there is laurie close at hand whenever you want him, and no one could be more kind than laurie——’
‘but neither laurie nor frank is ben,’ said mrs. renton with decision, drying her eyes—which, alas! as her niece felt to the bottom of her heart, was most true. and then mary read the papers, all the bits of news, as she had done any day these seven years. had there been any break in the endless round, or had she only dreamed it? it seemed so hard to know: for the interruption, with all its agitations and pleasures, had vanished, and everything was as it had been before. except, indeed, that frank and alice made the dinner-table cheerful, and took the heavy duty of the drive off mary’s hands, which was a relief for which she should have been more grateful. but even that showed the difference between her own life and that of frank’s wife, though mary, had she not been driven to it, was not given to such comparisons. for her there was but the usual monotonous promenade over the well-known, too well-known country; but alice was{273} taken to the dovecote, and even the invalid grew interested about the changes necessary, and the furnishing and decorations of that abode. ‘the frank rentons’ had all the pleasant excitement of settling down before them. and mary felt that it was very wicked and unwomanly of her to desire any excitement, or to feel so wearily conscious of the want of interest in her own existence. would it be much better in the cottage with her mother, who in all these years had learnt to do without her, and whose whole mind was absorbed in her curate-boy? perhaps that would not be any better. and, anyhow, it was evident that there was nothing to do in the meantime but to submit.
there was, however, an excitement awaiting mary much nearer than she had any expectation of. it came to her just two days after ben’s departure, in the afternoon, when once more alice and the children had gone to accompany mrs. renton in her drive, and she was alone in the drawing-room, with the window open as usual,—that window by which everybody went and came,—everybody, that is to say, belonging to the family. mary was reading, seated in her favourite chair, half buried in the curtains, when it seemed to her that a shadow fell on her book,—a very familiar accident. it must be frank, she thought, looking up; but to her great amazement she saw it was hillyard standing with a deprecating, anxious look before the window. she{274} made a spring from her seat with that one thought which fills the mind of a preoccupied woman to the exclusion of all personal courtesy and consideration. something must have happened to ben! ‘what is it? for god’s sake, tell me! tell me!’ she said, rushing out upon him, dropping her book, and holding up her clasped hands.
‘nothing, miss westbury,’ he said, putting out his hand to take hers, with the humblest, softest tone,—a tone amazing in its gentleness from such a big-bearded, unpolished man. ‘i was only waiting to ask you whether i might come in.’
‘but you are sure there is nothing wrong with—my cousin?’ mary cried; and then recollected herself, and was covered with confusion. ‘i beg your pardon; but seeing you so suddenly it was natural to think of ben. i felt as if you must have brought bad news, mr. hillyard; don’t think me very silly—but godmamma may come in any moment from her drive—you are sure there is nothing the matter with ben?’
‘nothing at all. i left him a few hours ago, very well and very busy,’ said hillyard; and then once more he added in the same soft, subdued, disquieting tones, ‘will you let me come in?’
‘yes, surely,’ said mary, though she was trembling with the sudden fright. ‘but it is so strange to see you. is there any change in your plans? i thought you were to go to-day.’ and then a waver{275}ing of light and colour came over her face suddenly in spite of herself. this man, who had no possible business at renton, surely could not have come alone!
‘i begged for another day,’ said hillyard, following her into the room. ‘i daresay i was a fool for my pains. it may be years before i return again. i asked for another day.’
‘i am sure godmamma will be very glad,’ said mary, courteously; ‘but somehow it was very startling to see you, and not ben.’
and she gave a momentary glance out, as if still she expected the other to appear. such a reception to a man who had come on hillyard’s errand was like frost to a brook. it bound him, shrank him up within himself. he stood looking at her with a half-stupefied, wistful gaze, saying nothing. ben; always ben! was that the only thought in her mind? was it possible she could see him thus, and meet his eye, and not see his errand was altogether apart from ben?
mary, however, was so much occupied with her tremor and start, and curious little flutter of expectation, that it did not occur to her as strange for some minutes that her present companion said no more. she took his silence with the composure of perfect indifference. she was not even curious about him, further than concerned her cousin. why should she be curious about mr. hillyard? but at{276} last it did strike her that politeness required that she should speak to him. and, looking up, she caught the expression of his face and of his attitude all in a moment, and the ardent light in his eyes. such a look is not to be mistaken. with a sudden rallying of all her blood to her heart, and steadying of her nerves for an utterly unforeseen but unmistakable emergency, mary faltered and stopped in her intended speech, waiting for what was to come.
‘miss westbury,’ he said, ‘i might as well tell you at once that i see what a fool i am. i have my answer before i have spoken. you think no more of me than if i were ben renton’s horse, or his dog, or anything that belonged to him. i see it quite plain, and i might have seen it before i went away on wednesday; but there are things in which a man cannot be anything but a fool.’
‘i don’t know what you mean, mr. hillyard?’ said mary. ‘i hope i have not been rude. you are a stranger to us all. it is only through ben we have known you; and it was natural when i saw you that i should think of my cousin. if i have hurt your feelings i am sure i beg your pardon.’
in all this she was talking against time, hoping that frank or somebody would come in.
‘no,’ he said; ‘i know i had no right to think of anything else. of course i am a stranger. ben’s dog,—that is about it! i am not sneering, miss{277} westbury. i should not have minded your calling me so when i came.’
and there he stood, turning his eyes away from her, a big strong man of the woods as he looked, abashed and disconcerted, like a chidden child. he gazed out blankly, pulling his beard, with a flush of such quick mortification and downfall as a boy might feel when he sees his hasty projects fall to nought, and yet a deeper pang underneath than any boy could bear. altogether the man looked so humbled and sore and sad, silenced in the very moment of effusion, that mary’s heart was moved. she was sorry for him, and remorseful for her own indifference. it seemed almost needful to let him say out his say by way of consolation.
‘we all called you ben’s friend,’ she said; ‘his best friend, whom we have heard of for years. nobody else could have come among us at such a time. you must not think i mean anything disrespectful or unkind.’
then there came a great burst of words from him. ‘that was what i thought,’ he said; ‘that you had been used to hearing of me; that i might have been to you as an old friend. i too have heard of you for years. and look here, miss westbury; you may scorn me, but i must say it, i have been in love with you for years. i used to see your letters, and think there was a woman, if one could ever hope to get within speech of her! and then{278} i came here. i ought never to have come. my heart was full of you before, and you may think what it was when i saw you. don’t stop me, please; it is better now that it should all come out. you were kind to me, as you would have been to any stranger; but you did not know what was in my mind, and i did, and went on fire like a fool. there now, i see how it is. i won’t grieve you by asking anything. only give me your hand and say you forgive a rough fellow for taking it upon him to love you, before he ever saw you; and behaving himself like an ass when he did.’
‘mr. hillyard, i am so sorry,’ said mary, with tears in her eyes. ‘i did not mean,—i never thought,—it is me whom you must forgive,—if you can.’
‘you!’ said the strange man. ‘god bless you! that’s what i say. you and forgiving have nothing to do with each other.’ and then he took her hand between both his, and gazed down upon her with a fond, lingering, sorrowful look, as if he were getting her face by heart. ‘i don’t know why i came,’ he said, muttering to himself; ‘i knew it would be exactly so,—just so. and yet i wanted you to know——’
and then the man seemed suddenly to forget her presence altogether. standing there, holding her hand, he might have fallen into a dream so perfectly still was he. but her hand was lost, buried{279} between both his, held fast, while she stood perforce by him. and yet there was no force in it, no rudeness, but only a profound melancholy silence,—a sacrifice of the hidden sweetness he had been cherishing in his life.
‘mr. hillyard,’ she said, softly, ‘you must say good-bye to me and let me go.’ and then he woke up and came to life.
‘the other hand too,’ he said, ‘for this once. good-bye, and god bless you! it’s all i’ll ever have for my love. god bless you! good-bye!’
he did not even kiss her hands, but held them fast; and then let them drop, and turned, stooping his tall head through the white curtains, and went out as he came in. mary stood looking after him with an indescribable sensation. was he really gone, this man who had been nothing to her barely an hour since, and now was part of her life? or was it a dream altogether, an invention of her fancy? his heavy foot ground upon the gravel for two or three steps while she stood in her amazement looking after him; and then he stopped, and turned round, and came back. but he did not attempt to come in. she on the one side of the white curtains, and he on the other; stood for another moment and looked at each other, and then he cleared his throat, which was husky. ‘i am not coming back,’ he said, ‘i have just one word to say. if there should ever be a time when you might think,—not of me, i do{280}n’t mean of me, for i’m a stranger as you say,—but that a man’s love and support might be of use to you,—they say women feel that sometimes, if things don’t go altogether as they wish,—then let me but know, hold up only your little finger, mary,—there! i’ve said it for once,—and i’ll come if it were from the ends of the earth!’
and then, without another word or look, he went away.
was this the excitement she had been wishing for, and blaming herself for wishing? mary ran up to her room in terror of meeting any one, with her heart beating wildly in her breast. here was an incident indeed, to diversify a dull afternoon, a dull life with! she was so touched and excited, and moved by compassion and surprise and regret, that the effort upon her was not much less than if hillyard’s extraordinary suit had been that of a man to whom her heart could have responded. she sat down and hid her face in her hands, and got rid of some of her excitement in tears, and went over the strange scene. how strange a scene! for all these seven years,—her best and brightest,—mary had never heard the voice of love. now and then a tone of that admiration and interest which might have come to love had just caught her ear from the outside world, but she had been drawn back into her retirement and the deeper tone had never followed. and now, all at once, here was passion{281} of such a kind as seldom startles a woman’s ears in these days. an utter stranger an hour ago, and now,—happen what might, should she never see the man again,—a bit of her life! mary’s head swam, and the world went round with her. ‘they say women feel that sometimes, if things don’t go altogether as they wish.’ what did he mean? had he read in her heart more than others could? was she one to fall into a longing for some love and support, some awakening and current of activity in her life, after all youthful dreams were gone? the suggestion moved mary with a humbling sense of her own weariness and languor, and senseless disappointment, and longing for she knew not what. she was not one of those women to whom somebody’s love is indispensable,—if not one, then another. with a cheek burning with shame, and eyes hot with tears, she rose up and went down again to her duties, such as they were. henceforward she was determined she should suffice to herself. this, after the first shock of emotion, was all the effect poor hillyard’s sacrifice upon her altar had on mary. that he should have seen that all was not going altogether as she wished! after all, what better had most women to do with their lives, than to tend a real or imaginary invalid, to order dinners, to read newspapers, to go out every afternoon for a drive? and she had perfect health, and a beautiful country, and plenty of books, and all the poor people in{282} renton parish, to occupy her. to think with all that, there might come a time when she would want a man’s,—any man’s,—love and comfort! the counter-proposition, that a man should some time in his life long to have a woman by him, does in no way shock the delicacy of the stronger creature. but what woman is there who would not rather die than acknowledge personally for herself that a man is necessary to the comfort of her existence? in the abstract, it is a different matter. poor hillyard! the immediate result of his pilgrimage of love, and hopeless declaration, was to move mary westbury, in a wild flame of indignation at her own unwomanliness, to the task of contenting herself, energetically and of set purposes, with all the monotonies of her life.
