shorty has an adventure with a lone, lorn widder lady."
"i wonder what has become of our jew spy, shorty?" said si, as he and shorty sat on the bank of duck river and watched the rebel pickets lounging under the beeches on the other side. "we hain't heard nothin' of him for more'n a month now."
"he's probably hung," answered shorty. "he was entirely too smart to live long. a man can't go on always pokin' his finger into a rattlesnake's jaw without gittin' it nipped sooner or later."
"i'm looking fur a man called si klegg," they heard behind them. looking around they saw the tall, gaunt woman whom they had turned back from entering the camp a few days before, under the belief that she was trying to smuggle in whisky.
"what in the world can she want o' me?" thought si; but he answered:
"that's my name. what'll you have?"
a flash of recognition filled at once her faded blue eyes. without taking her pipe from between her yellow, snaggly teeth she delivered a volley of tobacco-juice at an unoffending morning-glory, and snapped out:
"o, y'r him, air ye? y'r the dratted measly180 sapsucker that bounced me 'bout takin' likker inter camp. what bizniss wuz hit o' your'n whether i tuk likker in or not? jest wanted t' be smart, didn't ye? jest wanted t' interfere with a lone, lorn widder lady makin' a honest livin' for herself and 10 children. my ole man ketched the black ager layin' out in the brush to dodge the conscripters. it went plumb to his heart an' killed him. he wa'n't no great loss, nohow, fur he'd eat more in a week than he'd kill, ketch, or raise in a year. when his light went out i'd only one less mouth to feed, and got rid o' his jawin' an' cussin' all the time. but that hain't nothin' t' do with you. you 's jest puttin' on a lettle authority kase ye could. but all men air alike that-a-way. elect a man constable, an' he wants t' put on more airs than the guv-nor; marry him, an' he makes ye his slave."
"i should think it'd be a bold man that'd try to make you his slave. madam," si ventured.
"y' she'd think," she retorted, with her arms akimbo. "who axed y' t' think, young feller? what d' y' do hit with. why d' y' strain y'rself doin' somethin' y' ain't used t'?"
it did shorty so much good to see si squelched, that he chuckled aloud and called out:
"give it to him, old snuff-dipper. he's from the wabash, an' hain't no friends. he's bin itchin' a long time for jest such a skinnin' as you're givin' him."
"who air y' callin' snuff-dipper?" she retorted, turning angrily on shorty. "what've ye got t' say agin snuff-dippin', anyway, y' terbacker-chawin', likker-guzzlin', wall-oyed, splay-footed, knock-kneed181 oaf? what air y' greasy hirelings a-comin' down heah fo', t' sass and slander southern ladies, who air yo' superiors?"
"give it to him, old corncob pipe," yelled si "he needs lambastin' worse'n any man in the regiment. but what did you want to see me for?"
"i wanted to see yo' bekase i got a letter to yo' from a friend o' mine, who said yo' wuz gentlemen, an' rayly not yankees at all. he said that yo' wuz forced into the army agin yo' will."
"gracious, what a liar that man must be," murmured shorty to himself.
"an' yo' rayly had no heart to fight for the nigger, an' that yo'd treat me like a sister."
"a sister," shorty exploded internally. "think of a feller's havin' a sister like that. why, i wouldn't throw her in a soap-grease barrel."
"who was this friend. madam?" said si, "and where is his letter?"
"i don't know whether to give it to yo' or not," said she. "y're not the men at all that he ascribed to me. he said yo' wuz very good-lookin', perlite gentlemen, who couldn't do too much for a lady."
"sorry we're not as handsome as you expected," said si; "but mebbe that's because we're in fatigue uniforms. you ought to see my partner there when he's fixed up for parade. he's purtier'n a red wagon then. let me see the letter. i can tell then whether we're the men or not."
"kin yo' read?" she asked suspiciously.
"o, yes," answered si laughingly at the thought almost universal in the south that reading and writing were—like the gift of tongues—a special182 dispensation to a few favored individuals only. "i can read and do lots o' things that common people can't. i'm seventh son of a seventh son, born with a caul on my head at the time o' the full moon. let me see the letter."
she was not more than half convinced, but unhooked her dress and took a note from her bosom, which she stuck out toward si, holding tightly on to one end in the meanwhile. si read, in levi rosenbaum's flourishing, ornate handwriting:
"corporal josiah klegg, co. q, 200th indiana volunteers,
in camp on duck river."
"that means me," said si, taking hold of the end of the envelope. "there ain't but one 200th injianny volunteers; there's no other co. q, and i'm the only josiah klegg."
the woman still held on to the other end of the letter.
"it comes," continued si, "from a man a little under medium size, with black hair and eyes, dresses well, talks fast, and speaks a dutch brogue."
"that's him," said the woman, relinquishing the letter, and taking a seat under the shade of a young cucumber tree, where she proceeded to fill her pipe, while awaiting the reading of the missive.
si stepped off a little ways, and shorty looked over his shoulder as he opened the letter and read:
"dear boys: this will be handed you, if it reaches you at
all, by mrs. bolster, who has more about her than you
think."183
"i don't know about that," muttered shorty; "the last time i had the pleasure o' meetin' the lady she had 'steen dozen bottles o' head-bust about her."
"she's a confederate, as far as she goes."
si continued reading,
"which is not very far. she don't go but a little ways. a
jay-bird that did not have any more brains would not build
much of a nest. but she is very useful to me, and i want you
to get in with her. as soon as you read this i want si to
give her that pair of horn combs i gave him. do it at once.
sincerely your friend,
"levi rosenbaum."
si knit his brows in perplexity and wonderment over this strange message. he looked at shorty, but shorty's face was as blank of explanation as his own. he fumbled around in his blouse pocket, drew forth the combs, and handed them to the woman. her dull face lighted up visibly. she examined the combs carefully, as if fitting them to a description, and, reaching in her bosom, pulled out another letter and handed it to si.
when this was opened si read:
"dear boys: now you will understand the comb business. i
wanted to make sure that my letter reached the right men,
and the combs were the only things i could think of at the
moment. mrs. b. will prize them, though she will never think
of using them, either on herself or one of her shock-headed
brats. i want you to play it on her as far as your
consciences will allow. pretend that you are awful sick of
this abolition war, and tired fighting for the nigger, and
all that stuff. make her the happiest184 woman in
tennessee by giving her all the coffee you can spare. that
will fetch her quicker and surer than anything else. like
most southern women, she is a coffee-drinker first and a
rebel afterward, and if some preacher would tell her that
heaven is a place where she will get all the yankee coffee
she can drink, she would go to church regularly for the rest
of her life. tell her a lot of news—as much of it true as
you can and think best; as much of it otherwise as you can
invent. follow her cautiously when she leaves camp. don't
let her see you do so. you will find that she will lead you
to a nest of spies, and the place where all the whisky is
furnished to sell in camp. i write you thus freely because i
am certain that this will get in your hands. i know that
your regiment is out here, because i have been watching it
for a week, with reference to its being attacked. it won't
be for at least awhile, for there's another hen on. but make
up to the old lady as much as your consciences and stomachs
will allow you. it will be for the best interests of the
service.
"sincerely your friend, levi rosenbaum."
"i wonder what game levi is up to?" si said, as he stood with the letter in his hand and looked at the woman. "i'll give her all the coffee i can and be very civil to her, but that's as far as i'll go. the old rebel cat. i'll not lie to her for 40 levi rosenbaums."
"well, i will," said shorty. "you fix her up with the coffee, and leave the rest to me. i always had a fancy for queer animals, and run off from home once to travel with a menagerie. i'd like to take her up185 north and start a side-show with her. 'the queen o' the raccoon mountains,' or the 'champion snuff-dipper o' the sequatchie valley.' how'd that do for a sign?"
"well, go ahead," said si. "but expect no help from me."
"mr. klegg, when i want your help in courtin' a lady i'll let you know," said shorty with dignity. si went back to the tent to see about getting the coffee, and shorty approached mrs. bolster with an engaging expression on his countenance. she was knocking the ashes out of her pipe.
"let me fill your pipe up again. madam, with something very choice," said he, pulling out a plug of bright natural leaf. "here's some terbacker the like o' which you never see in all your born days. it was raised from seed stole from the private stock of the high-muk-a-muk o' turkey, brung acrost the ocean in a silver terbacker box for the use o' president buchanan, and planted in the new o' the moon on a piece o' ground that never before had raised nothin' but roses and sweet-williams. my oldest brother, who is a senator from oshkosh, got just one plug of it, which he divided with me."
"o, my! is that true?" she gurgled.
"it's as true as that you are a remarkably fine lookin' woman," he said with unblushing countenance, as he began whittling off some of the tobacco to fill her pipe. "i was struck by your appearance as soon as i saw you. i always was very fond of the southern ladies."
"sakes alive, air y'?" she asked; "then what air yo'uns down here foutin' we'uns fur?"186
"that's a long story, m'm," answered shorty. "it was a trick o' the abolition politicians that got us into it. i'm awful sick o' the war (that we hain't gone ahead and knocked the heads offen this whole crowd instead o' layin' 'round here in camp for months)" he added as a mental reservation, "and wisht i was out of it (after we've hung jeff davis on a sour-apple tree). then i might settle down here and marry some nice woman. you're a widder, i believe you said."
"yes, i'm a widder," she answered, taking her pipe from her mouth and giving him what she intended for a languishing smile, but which shorty afterward said reminded him of a sun-crack in a mud fence. "yes, i'm a widder. bin so for gwine on six months. sakes alive, but ye do talk nice. you air the best-lookin' yankee i've ever seed." "nothin' painfully bashful about her," thought shorty. "but i must be careful not to let her get me near a justice of the peace. she'd marry me before i could ketch my breath. madam," he continued aloud.
"yo' may call me sophrony," she said, with another cavernous smile.
"well, sophrony, let me present you with half o' this plug o' famous terbacker." he drew his jackknife and sliced the plug in two. "take it, with my warmest respects. here comes my partner with some coffee i've sent him for, and which i want you to have. it is not as much as i'd like to give you, but it's all that i have. some other day you shall have much more."
"law's sakes." she bubbled, as the fragrant odor187 of the coffee reached her nose, and she hefted the package. "yo' air jest the nicest man i ever did see in all my born days. i didn't s'pose thar wuz so nice a man, or sich a good-lookin' one, in the hull yankee army, or in the oonfederit either, fur that matter. but, then, yo' ain't no real blue-bellied yankee."
"no, indeed, sophrony. i never saw new england in all my life, nor did any o' my people. they wuz from virginny (about 500 miles, as near as i kin calculate)" he added to himself as a mental poultice.
"say, mister, why don't you leave the yankee army?"
"can't," said shorty, despairingly. "if i tried to git back home the provos 'll ketch me. if i go the other way the rebel's ketch me. i'm betwixt the devil and the deep sea."
she sat and smoked for several minutes in semblance of deep thought, and spat with careful aim at one after another of the prominent weeds around. then she said:
"if yo' want t' splice with me, i kin take keer o' yo'. i've helped run off several o' the boys who wuz sick o' this abolition war. thar's two o' them now with bill phillips's gang makin' it hot for the yankee trains and camps. they're makin' more'n they ever did soljerin', an' havin' a much better time, for they take whatever they want, no matter who it belongs to. d' yo' know groundhog, a teamster? he's in cahoots with us."
"oh!" said shorty to himself. "here's another lay altogether. guess it's my duty to work it for all that it's worth."188
"is it a bargain?" she said suddenly, stretching out her long, skinny hand.
"sophrony," said shorty, taking her hand, "this is so sudden. i never thought o' marryin'—at least till this cruel war is over. i don't know what kind of a husband i'd make. i don't know whether i could fill the place o' your late husband!"
"yo're not gwine t' sneak out," she said, with a fierce flash in her gray eyes. "if yo' do i'll have yo' pizened."
"now, who's talkin' about backin' out?" said shorty in a fever of placation, for he was afraid that some of the other boys would overhear the conversation. "don't talk so loud. come, let's walk on toward your home. we kin talk on the way."
the proposition appeared reasonable. she took the bridle of her horse in her arm, and together they walked out through the guard-line. the sentries gave shorty a deep, knowing wink as he passed. he went the more willingly, as he was anxious to find out more about the woman, and the operations of the gang with which she was connected. she had already said enough to explain several mysterious things of recent occurrence. night came down and as her ungainliness was not thrust upon him as it was in the broad glare of day, he felt less difficulty in professing a deep attachment for her. he even took her hand. on her part she grew more open and communicative at every step, and shorty had no difficulty in understanding that there was gathered around her a gang that was practicing about everything detrimental to the army. they were by turns spies, robbers, murderers, whisky189 smugglers, horse-thieves, and anything else that promised a benefit to themselves. ostensibly they were rebels, but this did not prevent their preying upon the rebels when occasion offered. some were deserters from the rebel army, some were evading the conscript laws, two or three were deserters from our army.
shorty and the woman had reached a point nearly a half-mile outside of the guard-line when he stopped and said:
"i can't go no farther now. i must go back." "why must yo' go back?" she demanded, with a190 sudden angry suspicion. "i thought yo' wuz gwine right along with me."
"why, no. i never thought o' that. i must go back and get my things before i go with you," said shorty, as the readiest way of putting her off.
"plague take y'r things," she said. "let 'em go. yo' kin git plenty more jest as good from the next yankee camp. yo' slip back some night with the boys an' git yo'r own things, if y'r so dratted stuck on 'em. come along now."
she took hold of his wrist with a grip like iron. shorty had no idea that a woman could have such strength.
"i want to go back and git my partner," said shorty. "me and him 've bin together all the time we've bin in the army. he'll go along with me, i'm sure. me and him thinks alike on everything, and what one starts the other jines in. i want to go back an' git him."
"i don't like that partner o' your'n. i don't want him. i'll be a better partner t' yo' than ever he was. yo' mustn't think more o' him than yo' do o' me."
"look here, sophrony," said shorty desperately, "i cannot an' will not go with you to-night. i'm expectin' important letters from home to-morrow, and i must go back an' git 'em. i've a thousand things to do before i go away. have some sense. this thing's bin sprung on me so suddenly that it ketches me unawares."
with the quickness of a flash she whipped out a long knife from somewhere, and raised it, and then hesitated a second.
she whipped out a long knife. 189
"i believe yo're foolin' me, and if i wuz shore i'd191 stick yo'. but i'm gwine t' give yo' a chance. yo' kin go back now, an' i'll come for yo' ter-morrer. if you go back on me hit'll be a mouty sorry day for yo'. mind that now."
shorty gallantly helped her mount, and then hurried back to camp.
