the deacon has some experiences with the quadruped.
it did not seem that so many dangers beset the possession of a cow as of a horse, yet the deacon prudently rose while it was yet dark to look after the animal.
he was none too soon, for there were getting to be thousands of very hungry men in chattanooga who remembered the axiom about the early bird catching the worm, and thought the best time for "snatching" something was in the dark just before reveille. if they could find nothing better, and too often they did not, they would rob the mules of their scanty rations of corn, and soon a mule's feed-box had to be as carefully guarded as the commissary tent of the headquarters mess.
these morning prowlers were as cunning as rats in finding their prey, and the only security that a man had of keeping his rations till morning was to eat them up before he went to bed. their sharp eyes had not failed to notice the signs of unusual plenty about the deacon's corn-crib, and they gave it earnest attention.
the deacon had slipped out very quietly, and taken a little turn around the end of the crib, to see that his other provisions had not been disturbed, before he approached the cow. as he did so he saw a figure squatted beside her, and heard a low voice say:
"so, bos! h'ist, lady! h'ist up, you measly heifer!"
"well, i declare to goodness," gasped the deacon. "how could they've found her out so soon?"
he walked quietly up to the milker, and remarked:
"purty early in the mornin' to do your milkin'. didn't used to git up so early when you was at home, did you?"
"sh—sh—sh!" whispered the other. "don't speak so loud. you'll wake up that old galoot inside. keep quiet till i fill my cup, and then i'll let you have a chance. there'll be plenty for you."
"purty good milker, is she?" inquired the deacon with interest.
"naw!" whispered the other. "she's got her bag full, but she won't give down worth a cent."
"better let me try my hand," said the deacon. "you've bin away from the farm for so long you've probably lost the knack. i'm a famous milker."
"you'll play fair?" said the milker doubtfully.
"yes; just hold her till i go inside and git my bucket, and i'll milk your cup clean full," answered the deacon, starting inside the corn-crib.
"well, you're a cool one," gasped the milker, realizing the situation. "but i'll hold you to your bargain, and i'll play fair with you."
the deacon came back with his bucket, and after filling the man's cup as full as it would hold, handed it to him, and then began drawing the rest into his own bucket.
careful milker that he was, he did not stop until he had stripped the last drop, and the cow, knowing at once that a master hand was at her udder, willingly yielded all her store.
"there," said the deacon, "if anybody gits any more out o' her till evenin' he's welcome to it."
two or three other men had come up in the meanwhile with their cups, and they started, without so much as asking, to dip their cups in.
"hold on!" commanded the first-comer sternly. "stop that! this old man's a friend o' mine, and i won't see him imposed on. go somewhere else and git your milk."
a wordy war ensued, but the first-comer was stalwart and determined. the row waked up shorty, who appeared with an ax.
"all right," said one of the men, looking at the ax; "keep your durned old milk, if you're so stingy toward hungry soldiers. it'll give you milk-sick, anyway. there's lots o' milk-sick 'round here. all the cows have it. that cow has it bad. i kin tell by her looks. we had lots o' milk-sick in our neighborhood, and i got real well-acquainted with it. i kin tell a milk-sick cow as fur as i kin see her, and if that cow hasn't it, no one ever had it."
he made a furtive attempt to kick the bucket over, which was frustrated by the deacon's watchfulness.
"better do something with that cow right off," advised the first-comer, as he walked off. "you can't keep her in camp all day. somebody'll git her away from you if they have to take her by main force."
"are you willin' to risk the milk-sick?" asked the deacon, handing shorty a cupful of the milk, together with a piece of cornpone.
"yum—yum, i should say so," mumbled that longlegged gentleman. "i'll make the milk sicker'in it kin me, you bet. jest bring along all the milk-sick you've got on hand, and i'll keep it from hurtin' anybody else. that's the kind of a philanthropist i am."
"i see you've got a cow here," said a large man wearing a dingy blue coat with a captain's faded shoulder-straps. "i'm a commissary, and it's my duty to take her."
he walked over and in a businesslike way began unfastening the rope. the deacon shuddered, for he had too much respect for shoulder-straps to think of resisting. shorty looked up from his breakfast, scanned the newcomer, and said:
"look here. bill wiggins, you go back and take off that captain's coat as quick as you kin, or i'll have you arrested for playin' officer. none o' you maumee muskrats kin play that little game on the 200th injianny. we know you too well. and let me advise you, mr. wiggins, the next time you go out masqueradin' to make up clean through. that private's cap and pantaloons burned around the back, and them government cow-hides give you dead away, if your mug didn't. if they wuz givin' commissions away you wouldn't be a brevet corporal. skip out, now, for here comes the provost-guard, and you'd better not let him catch you wearin' an officer's coat unless you want to put in some extra time on the breastworks."
mr. wiggins made off at once, but he had scarcely gotten out of sight when a mounted officer, attracted by the strange sight of a cow in camp, rode up and inquired whence she came and to whom she belonged.
the deacon was inside the crib taking care of si, and the burden of the conversation fell upon shorty.
"me any my pardner sent out into the country and bought that cow," he said, "with three $10 gold pieces we've bin savin' up ever since we've bin in the service. we wouldn't give 'em for anything else in the world. but we wuz jest starved for a drink o' fresh milk. never felt so hungry for anything else in our lives. felt that if we could jest git a fillin' o' fresh milk it'd make us well agin."
"paid $30 in gold for her," said the officer, examining the cow critically. "pretty high price for that kind of a cow."
"well, i don't know about that," answered shorty argumentatively, and scenting a possible purchaser. "good fresh cows are mighty scarce anywhere at this time o' year, and particularly in this region. next spring they'll be much cheaper. but not this, one. that's no ordinary cow. if you'll look carefully at her you'll see that she's a thoroughbred. i'm a boss judge o' stock myself, and i know. look at her horns, her bag, and her lines. she's full three-quarters jersey."
"what's the other quarter," asked the officer, much amused.
"jest—jest—jest—cow," answered shorty, momentarily stumped for once in his volubility. and then he went on more garrulously than ever, to make amends. "she's as gentle as a lamb, will live on two ears o' corn and a kind word a day, and give two gallons o' milk, nearly all cream. me and my pardner wouldn't take $10.0 in gold for that cow. we're goin' to send her up home as soon as the lines are open, to start our stock-farm with."
"where did you say you got her?" said the officer, getting off his horse and going up closer to examine the animal.
"o, we bought her from a man named wilson over in the sequatchie valley. you must've heard of him. we've knowed him a long time—before he moved down here from injianny. runs a fine stockfarm. cried like a baby when he parted with his cow. wouldn't have done it, but he had to have the money to buy provisions for his family."
"let me see," said the officer, looking at him. "seems to me i ought to know you. where do you belong?"
"co. q, 200th injianny volunteers."
"i thought so. i do know you. you are shorty. i don't want to say anything against your honesty or your veracity, but if gen, rosecrans was to order me to get him the smartest forager and smoothest liar in the army of the cumberland, i think i should order you to report at headquarters."
"you do me proud," said shorty with a grin, but an inward feeling that trouble was impending.
"now, tell me the truth. where did you get that cow?"
"i have bin tellin' you the truth," protested shorty with an injured air. "why should i tell you a lie about a little thing like a cow?"
"you are not within a mile of the truth. i know it. look here: i believe that is gen. rosecrans's own cow. she's gone, and i got an order to look around for her. i've never seen her, but from the description given me i believe that's she. who brought her here?"
purty good milker, is she? inquired the deacon 51
"great jehosephat, he's after the deacon," thought shorty with a shudder. "i mustn't let him git him." then he spoke out boldly:
"i brung her here."
"shorty," said the officer with a smile, "i admire your talents for prevarication more than i can express. as a good, off-hand, free-going, single-gaited liar you have few equals and no superiors. your lies usually have so much probability in them that they seem better than the truth—for your purposes. but this has no probability whatever in it. i doubt if you are able to walk to headquarters. if you were well and strong, i should believe you quite capable not only of stealing the cow from army headquarters, but president lincoln's cow from his back-door of the white house. but you are good now because you haven't strength enough to be up to any devilment. now, tell me, who brought that cow here?"
"i brung her here myself, i tell you. i felt unusually peart last night. felt that i had to snatch something jest to keep my hand in, like. couldn't find nothin' else on four legs worth takin', and couldn't take nothin' that couldn't walk. so i took her. you kin send me to the guard-house if you want to. i expect i deserve it."
and shorty tried to look contrite and penitent.
"yes; you're in nice shape to send to the guardhouse. i'd sent you there quick enough if you were well, for telling me such a preposterous lie. you've usually paid more respect to my intelligence by telling me stories that i could believe if i wanted to, as i usually wanted do; but this is too much."
as the conversation began the deacon had passed out with a bucket to go to the creek for water for the cow. he now came back, set the bucket down in front of the cow, and began, from force of long habit in caring for his stock, to pick off some burs, and otherwise groom her.
"say, my friend," said the officer, "who brought that cow in?"
shorty had been frantically trying to catch the deacon's eye, and was making all manner of winks and warning gestures without avail, for the deacon answered frankly:
"i brung her in."
"you're just the man i'm looking for," returned the officer. then turning to a sergeant who had just come up at the end of a squad, he said:
"here, sergeant, take charge of this citizen and this cow, and bring them both up to army headquarters. don't let that citizen get away from you. he's a slick one."
as they moved off. shorty bolted into the crib and shouted:
"great jehosephat, si, that dad of your'n 's a goner! he's got nerve that looms up like lookout mountain! he's a genius! he's got git-up and git to spare! what do you think he done last night? walked up to gen. rosecrans's headquarters, and stole the general's cow right from under the noses o' the headquarters guards, and brung her down here and milked her. did you ever hear o' sich snap? i only wisht that me and you was half the man that he is, old as he is. the only trouble is that he isn't as good a hider as he is on the take. they've dropped on to him, and they're now takin' him up to headquarters. but he'll find some way to git off. there's no end to that man. and to think that we've bin playin' him right along for a hayseed."
and shorty groaned in derision of his own acumen.
"pop stole gen. rosecrans's cow from headquarters? they've arrested him and are taking him up there?" ejaculated si in amazement. "i don't believe a word of it."
"well, the cow was here. he brung her here last night, and owned up to it. he milked her, and you drunk some of the milk. the provost-guard's now walkin' the cow and him up to headquarters. these are early mornin' facts. you kin believe what you dumbed please."
"pap arrested and taken to army headquarters," groaned si, in deepest anxiety. "what in the world will they do with him?"
"o, don't worry," said shorty cheerfully.
"your dad ain't as green as you are, if he has lived all his life on the wabash. he's as fly as you make 'em. he's fixin' up some story as he goes along that'll git him out of the scrape slick as a whistle. trust him."
"shorty," said si severely, "my father don't fix up stories. understand that. he's got some explanation for this. depend upon it."
"they call it explanation when it gits a feller out, and blamed lie when it don't," muttered shorty to himself, as he went out again, to follow the squad as far as he could with his eyes. "anyway, i'll bet on the deacon."
the squad arrived before headquarters, and the officer dismounted and went in. early as it was he found the indefatigable rosecrans at work with his staff and clerks.
"general, i've found your cow, and got the man who took her," said the officer.
"good," said the general joyfully. "now we'll have some fresh milk again. i can give up anything cheerfully, rather than fresh milk. say you've got the thief, too?" continued the general, relapsing into one of his testy moods. "put the rascal at the hardest labor you can find. i'll give him a lesson that stealing from headquarters don't pay. the rascals in my army seem to think that i and everything i have belongs to them as much as it does to me. but i'll draw the line at my cow and my horses. they can steal everything else but them. hold on a minute. i'll go out and see if it's really my cow."
"yes, that is she; glad to see you back, missy," said the general, patting the cow on the back. "take her back and give her a good feed, if you can find it, for probably she's pretty hungry."
then turning to the deacon:
"you old rascal, you'll steal the general's cow, will you? fond of thorobred stock, are you? and a citizen, too. well, i'll see whether a month of hard work on the fortifications won't cure you of your fancy for blooded cattle."
"look here, gen. rosecrans," said the deacon firmly, "i didn't steal your cow, and i won't allow you nor no other man to say so. i'm an honest man, or at least i've always passed for one at home. i was out over the river yesterday, tryin' to git a hoss back to his owner, and a captain of a cavalry company come along and took my hoss away, and give me this cow in exchange. he said his men'd got the cow down the road apiece, and that's all i know of her."
"a very likely story," sneered several of the staff.
"let me see," said the general, who prided himself on remembering names and faces. "haven't i met you before? aren't you from indiana?"
"yes, sir; from posey county."
"and you've got a son in one of the regiments?"
"yes, sir. corporal si klegg, co. q, 200th injianny volunteers. him and his partner shorty wuz badly wounded, and i come down here to take care of 'em. i've bin moseyin' around out in the country tryin' to find something for 'em to eat, and the other day i—borryed a hoss, which i was tryin' to take back, when this cavalry captain come along, and tuk the hoss away from me and give me this cow instid. i hadn't no idee where he got her, and he didn't give me time to ask, for he started on the jump after some guerrillas."
"i shouldn't wonder if his story is true, general," said a member of the staff. "you see, your cow has been gone really two days. day before yesterday we sent blue jim out into the country with her. she needed it awfully. we laid the law down to blue jim about being very careful with her and keep her near the road. it seems that he found a good piece of meadow, and turned her loose in it, but then, nigger like, he forgot all that we had told him about staying light alongside of her, and wandered off to gather persimmons, and afterward fell asleep in a fence-corner. when he woke up the cow was gone, and he was scared nearly to death. he hunted around for her all day, and came in last night nearly starved to death, and whimpering and blubbering. we told him that you would order him shot as soon as you found out. he has been to see the chaplain twice, to prepare for death."
"so?" said the general, smiling. "well, mr.— mr.— i did know your name once—"
"klegg, josiah klegg," answered the deacon promptly.
"yes; how stupid of me to forget it. well, mr. klegg, i'm very much obliged to you for finding my cow and bringing her home. you've got a very fine son—splendid soldier. how is he getting along?"
"tollably well, general, thank you. look here, general, please let me take those boys home. if you will, i'll send 'em back to you in a few weeks good as new. all they need is mother's cookin' and mother's nursin' to bring 'em right out. and i want to go home, too. the army is demoralizin' me. i guess i'm gittin' old, and 'm not as strong to resist sin and the suggestions of sin as i once was. i'm gittin' scared of myself down here."
"it's pretty hard work getting back now," said the general. "do you think you can do it, if i give you leave?"
"o, yes. jest give the order, and i'll get the boys and myself back home, sure's you're livin'."
"very well," said the general; "you shall have the chance." he turned to one of his staff and said:
"look into this matter. if the surgeon thinks they can be moved, have furloughs and transportation made out for them and the father. good-by, mr. klegg. take good care of those boys, and send them back to me as soon as they are well."
