windsor castle may 1172 that evening’s mass was attended by only myself, marie helene, and one of eleanor’s elderly ladies as well as the priest who sang it. vespers followed, and i knelt on the stone floor, my gown tucked under my knees as the sisters of st. agnes had taught me, long ago. marie helene knelt beside me, though i could feel her thoughts were far from prayer. i turned my own mind to god, and stayed on my knees long after the priest had finished and blessed us. i heard the elderly lady withdraw. marie helene rose and stood by the stone wall, where candles in sconces gave the only light. i stayed on my knees, and prayed for my father and my brother, and for the future of france. i prayed for the reverend mother and all the sisters at the abbey, and i prayed for richard and eleanor. i even prayed for the king, though something about him vexed me, even as it drew me as the moth is drawn to the flame that kills it. i tried to turn my mind from henry altogether, from the warmth of his gray eyes. i tried to forget the way he had tempted me into losing my temper in front of the entire court, though i had been raised to self-control and obedience all my life. i brought richard’s face to the forefront of my mind, richard and the song he had written and sung for me himself. the song had been beautiful, as he was, but for some reason i could not understand, no matter how i disciplined myself, my mind kept turning to the king. as if i had conjured him with my thoughts, i found henry standing by the altar of the chapel when i rose from my prayers. he had come in silently, and alone. he must have sent marie helene away, for she was gone. i reached for my father’s prayer beads, their smooth pearls calming me, their cold diamonds and amethysts reminding me of my father, and all the training of my childhood. the king came no closer. henry seemed almost handsome in the dark of that chapel, the dull light from the sconces catching the red of his hair. his eyes did not move from my face, except once, to take in my hair under its red veil, and my breasts beneath the red silk gown his wife had given me. “do they not miss you in the hall, my lord?” i asked, because i could not bear the silence. a strange heat had begun to mount in my belly, and it grew as henry’s eyes returned to my face. i strained my ears to listen for the sound of the priest in the sacristy. as i listened, i knew there was no one there. “they miss me whenever i leave them, but like the sun, i always return.” henry did not move closer, nor did he touch me. there were still at least five feet between us, but i felt as if he had stepped toward me. i remembered how it felt to have his breath on my cheek. “i hope some of your prayers were for me, alais.” my voice did not fail me, though it sounded strangled, not like my own smooth tones at all. “they were, my lord. and for the kingdom.” henry’s face softened when he heard my earnestness. i am sure that no matter how young he once was, he had never been earnest in his life. but my words must have reminded him of my youth, for the spell was broken as if it had never been. as henry retreated behind the gray of his eyes, i wondered if i had imagined the connection between us. “i will leave you,” he said. “i hope to see you tomorrow.” i curtsied, my sore knees protesting, my voice still thick in my throat, as if i had swallowed honey “good night, your majesty.” henry did not speak again, and left me as silently as he had come. i held my curtsy until he had gone, then stood once more as marie helene rushed back into the chapel. “are you well?” she asked, fear on her face. i took her hand. i would never betray to her or anyone the way i was drawn to him, nor the power his gaze held over me. “of course, i am well, marie helene. he is no ogre. he is only the king.” she crossed herself. i took her arm and led her into the hallway. it was dark, the cold gray stone reflecting very little light from the torches that were lit here and there along the walls. i was not sure that i would be able to find my way back to our rooms. “do you know the way?” i asked. before she could answer, richard stepped out of the shadows. my voice stopped in my throat. the sight of richard standing near me, the blue of his eyes searching my face, reminded me that any idea of a connection with the king was foolish fancy. this man was my future.“i will lead you,” richard said. “come this way” we followed him in silence. it was not a long journey, for richard knew a quicker way than i had taken earlier that evening. marie helene went into my rooms before me, to check the fires and to see that the bed was turned down. i stopped in my doorway. “thank you,” i said. “if you had not come, i would still be stumbling in the dark.” “alais, i am going to france tomorrow.” “yes,” i said. “i thought you had gone already.” “i was delayed.” “i am glad.” he smiled then in spite of himself. he seemed to remember that i did not dissemble, nor did i lie. “i will be gone for some time.” “i hope that you will write to me,” i said. “i will.” richard stood staring at me, as if trying to communicate without speech. i could not read his face. “i will not be here to protect you,” he said. i did not ask what he meant, for surely there was no danger for me in his father’s court. “take care,” he said, “while i am away.” “i will.” “promise me.” i stood in the dark hallway, the only light the fire from my room behind us. i looked into his eyes, but i could see nothing, for the shadows were long, and hid the blue of his gaze from me. “i promise, richard. i will be careful.” i raised my eyes to his. “thank you for my song.” he said nothing more, but only took my hand. i thought he would kiss the back of it, as he had done once before. instead, he turned my hand over in his own large one, and kissed my palm. the softness of his lips and the bristles of his beard made my breath come short. i waited for the hot warmth to pool in my stomach again, as it had done when henry simply stood and looked at me. but it did not come. he left me and i stood cradling the hand he had kissed. marie helene found me like that and brought me inside. she made me drink the warmed wine she had heated, and gave me a little cold meat and bread, for i had eaten little at dinner. i lay in bed a long time without sleeping, while i tried to convince myself that the liquid heat henry inspired in me was some strange alchemy that would have no power in the light of day. i drew my mind back to richard, to the song he had sung for me, to his kindness. but as i slept, it was king henry who came to me in my dreams. at breakfast the next morning, i sat at my small table, my knife biting into the stewed pears the palace women brought. i laid a slice of pear on the soft fresh bread and savored the taste with my eyes closed. even in the light of morning, the memory of henry’s eyes stayed with me. i had hoped sleep would cure me of this folly, but so far, it had not. “the king said that i could see the puppies in the stable,” i told marie helene. “the king said that?” “he said they are fond of me.” “they are only dogs, my lady. they are fond of everyone.” i laughed. “marie helene, i am glad that i do not have to worry that you will try to turn my head with flattery.” she smiled wanly. “i am sorry, your highness. i fear for you.” guilt pressed on me. i should not look on the king as i did, and i knew it. i would have to confess my sin, and be shriven. perhaps once i did that, the heat of the king’s eyes would fade for me, along with memory of the scent of sandalwood on his skin. “there is nothing to be afraid of,” i told her. “i am a princess of france.” tears came to her eyes, and i offered her the linen handkerchief i kept tucked in my sleeve, the cloth that bore eleanor’s crest. as she wiped her eyes, i said, “all is in god’s hands.” after breakfast, we found the puppies and their dam where i had left them the day before. no one else was with them when marie helene and i ventured into the stable. one great gelding stood at his stall door, and blew at us when we stepped in from the sunlight of the stable yard. i rubbed his nose, and he looked at me with his great brown eye, turning his head so that i might scratch his favorite spot. “come away from there, my lady. he might bite,” marie helene said. “he never bites. sampson is a good horse for ladies.” marie helene knelt in the straw at the sound of the king’s voice, but i did not have the good sense even to curtsy. “my lord, do you spend a great deal of time in your stables? i thought the business of the kingdom would keep you elsewhere.” i said this with a smile, as i felt marie helene tugging on the hem of my gown. the king came down off his horse, clothed this day not in the rags he traveled in but in fine brown velvet. two men-at-arms flanked him, but i barely noticed them. i had never seen the king so well dressed in the light of day. the sun from the stable yard caught the red of his hair, and dazzled me. i did not move, but blinked at him, all my fine court manners forgotten. marie helene tugged on my gown again, and i finally had the sense to kneel in the straw with her. but i had seen how broad henry’s shoulders were, how his strength could shelter as well as intimidate. i drew my eyes from his narrow hips and the leather boots that encased his thighs. confused, i chastised myself for my thoughts. i would need to see a priest before the evening meal. i would go to confession at once, as soon as the king gave me leave. “rise,” henry said, his voice unreadable. i stood, and marie helene helped me not to stumble. henry stood before me in a short gown good for riding, his cloche hat set at a rakish angle over one eye. his hose and high boots covered hard muscled thighs that were well shaped in spite of his age. henry caught me staring and quirked an eyebrow at me. the silence that had fallen between us whispered to me. his eyes seemed to speak to me of possibilities undreamt of, of things that could lie only between us, and no one else in the world. though i could not take my eyes from his, i spoke to break the spell that had fallen over me. “good day, your grace. it is a fine day for riding,” i said. henry answered formally, acknowledging that marie helene and his own men-at-arms were there with us. his eyes seemed to tell me that he had more to say, but that it could wait, until we were alone. “and a fine day for lolling in the straw in good silk dresses, i see. silk does not grow on trees, alais. you might have a little more care.” marie helene tensed beside me, but i knew that the king was teasing me. he meant to make me laugh, not to chide me. i felt the new warmth rising within me, and my laughter with it. “then your grace will simply have to buy me a new gown.” henry did not join my laughter as i had thought he might, but stared at me, searching my face. “indeed, alais. the kingdom is not made of silk dresses.” “no, my lord. the kingdom is made of gold and warhorses and land.” he laughed then, and i felt marie helene relax where she stood behind me. i found myself wishing that she were not there, that no one else were watching us. but kings are never private. we stood before our audience, neither able to say what we wished to the other. i chastised myself once more. by now i was so steeped in sin the priest would no doubt give me many prayers for penance. “i have brought you a present,” henry said. i felt marie helene’s warning hand on my arm, pressing hard. but what i said was, “your gifts are always welcome, your majesty.” his eyes lit up beneath his stylish hat, and marie helene’s hand became a claw on my arm, pinching me. i did not heed her, but kept my gaze on the king’s face. “i am glad to hear it, alais.” henry gestured, and i saw that one of his men-at-arms stood in the doorway. now he stepped forward carrying a box. when he set it on the ground, i heard the box whimper. i shrugged marie helene’s hand from my arm. i did not look at the king or at his men, but knelt by the box and opened it. i found a little dog inside, with white fur and a soft, cold nose. the puppy yipped in joy to see me, and tried to scramble into my arms. i picked her up before she hurt herself. her white fur was soft and spongy, her eyes black and set wide apart. i had seen such dogs at my father’s court as a child, and had always longed for one. but only court ladies kept lapdogs. i was a princess bound for england and marriage to an enemy. there had been no time for dogs. how had henry known of my secret longing? i had never told another soul of my childhood desire for something to care for, something to love that would be mine alone. she leaped in my arms, licking my face. i laughed and soothed her with my hands, telling her to settle down, that she would be sure to get good scraps for supper. “she had better get the finest scraps my table can provide,” henry said. “she cost a pretty penny.” i stood beaming at him, my arms full of scrambling puppy “thank you, your grace. she is beautiful.” “not as beautiful as you are, alais.” it was as if no one else were there with us, just henry, myself, and that little dog. but marie helene cleared her throat, and henry’s men-at-arms turned away. i saw them do it, and tightened my hold on the puppy so that she whined. i kissed the top of her head, drawing my gaze away from the king. my puppy was quick to forgive, licking my nose when i got too near. i laughed, and looked up to find the king watching me as a cat watches a mousehole. i froze at the sight of such naked longing. i felt the warmth in my belly again, heating with the strength of his gaze. in the next moment, the look on his face changed to one of such bland interest that i wondered if i had seen the other look at all. “a bijon for my bijou,” henry said. he turned from me, calling for the groom to give him a leg up onto his horse. as if he held us both under an enchantment, marie helene and i followed him out into the stable yard. henry mounted and stood over me, his horse making him tower high above my head. as i looked up at him, his puppy in my arms, i saw again that he was king. i wondered how the day before he could ever have seemed otherwise to me. “good day, princess. i will see you tonight at supper.” “you will, your grace.” i knew that he did not offer an invitation, but issued an order. henry rode away without another word, his men behind him. marie helene and i stood staring after him. my little dog barked to get my attention. “well, little one, what should we call you?” “bijou,” marie helene said. “it will please the king.” i ordered myself to set aside my thoughts of him, the warmth he made me feel, and the way he made me laugh. i would go inside to the priest, who was always waiting in the chapel, sitting with the presence between masses. i would make my confession. marie helene offered to take bijou from me, but i held on to her. i did not yet want to part with henry’s gift.