is it not unaccountable that, in the midst of all my increased veneration for my patron, the first tumult of my emotion was scarcely subsided, before the old question that had excited my conjectures recurred to my mind, was he the murderer? it was a kind of fatal impulse, that seemed destined to hurry me to my destruction. i did not wonder at the disturbance that was given to mr. falkland by any allusion, however distant, to this fatal affair. that was as completely accounted for from the consideration of his excessive sensibility in matters of honour, as it would have been upon the supposition of the most atrocious guilt. knowing, as he did, that such a charge had once been connected with his name, he would of course be perpetually uneasy, and suspect some latent insinuation at every possible opportunity. he would doubt and fear, lest every man with whom he conversed harboured the foulest suspicion against him. in my case he found that i was in possession of some information, more than he was aware of, without its being possible for him to decide to what it amounted, whether i had heard a just or unjust, a candid or calumniatory tale. he had also reason to suppose that i gave entertainment to thoughts derogatory to his honour, and that i did not form that favourable judgment, which the exquisite refinement of his ruling passion made indispensable to his peace. all these considerations would of course maintain in him a state of perpetual uneasiness. but, though i could find nothing that i could consider as justifying me in persisting in the shadow of a doubt, yet, as i have said, the uncertainty and restlessness of my contemplations would by no means depart from me.
the fluctuating state of my mind produced a contention of opposite principles, that by turns usurped dominion over my conduct. sometimes i was influenced by the most complete veneration for my master; i placed an unreserved confidence in his integrity and his virtue, and implicitly surrendered my understanding for him to set it to what point he pleased. at other times the confidence, which had before flowed with the most plenteous tide, began to ebb; i was, as i had already been, watchful, inquisitive, suspicious, full of a thousand conjectures as to the meaning of the most indifferent actions. mr. falkland, who was most painfully alive to every thing that related to his honour, saw these variations, and betrayed his consciousness of them now in one manner, and now in another, frequently before i was myself aware, sometimes almost before they existed. the situation of both was distressing; we were each of us a plague to the other; and i often wondered, that the forbearance and benignity of my master was not at length exhausted, and that he did not determine to thrust from him for ever so incessant an observer. there was indeed one eminent difference between his share in the transaction and mine. i had some consolation in the midst of my restlessness. curiosity is a principle that carries its pleasures, as well as its pains, along with it. the mind is urged by a perpetual stimulus; it seems as if it were continually approaching to the end of its race; and as the insatiable desire of satisfaction is its principle of conduct, so it promises itself in that satisfaction an unknown gratification, which seems as if it were capable of fully compensating any injuries that may be suffered in the career. but to mr. falkland there was no consolation. what he endured in the intercourse between us appeared to be gratuitous evil. he had only to wish that there was no such person as myself in the world, and to curse the hour when his humanity led him to rescue me from my obscurity, and place me in his service.
a consequence produced upon me by the extraordinary nature of my situation it is necessary to mention. the constant state of vigilance and suspicion in which my mind was retained, worked a very rapid change in my character. it seemed to have all the effect that might have been expected from years of observation and experience. the strictness with which i endeavoured to remark what passed in the mind of one man, and the variety of conjectures into which i was led, appeared, as it were, to render me a competent adept in the different modes in which the human intellect displays its secret workings. i no longer said to myself, as i had done in the beginning, “i will ask mr. falkland whether he were the murderer.” on the contrary, after having carefully examined the different kinds of evidence of which the subject was susceptible, and recollecting all that had already passed upon the subject, it was not without considerable pain, that i felt myself unable to discover any way in which i could be perfectly and unalterably satisfied of my patron’s innocence. as to his guilt, i could scarcely bring myself to doubt that in some way or other, sooner or later, i should arrive at the knowledge of that, if it really existed. but i could not endure to think, almost for a moment, of that side of the alternative as true; and with all my ungovernable suspicion arising from the mysteriousness of the circumstances, and all the delight which a young and unfledged mind receives from ideas that give scope to all that imagination can picture of terrible or sublime, i could not yet bring myself to consider mr. falkland’s guilt as a supposition attended with the remotest probability.
i hope the reader will forgive me for dwelling thus long on preliminary circumstances. i shall come soon enough to the story of my own misery. i have already said, that one of the motives which induced me to the penning of this narrative, was to console myself in my insupportable distress. i derive a melancholy pleasure from dwelling upon the circumstances which imperceptibly paved the way to my ruin. while i recollect or describe past scenes, which occurred in a more favourable period of my life, my attention is called off for a short interval, from the hopeless misfortune in which i am at present involved. the man must indeed possess an uncommon portion of hardness of heart, who can envy me so slight a relief.— to proceed.
for some time after the explanation which had thus taken place between me and mr. falkland, his melancholy, instead of being in the slightest degree diminished by the lenient hand of time, went on perpetually to increase. his fits of insanity — for such i must denominate them for want of a distinct appellation, though it is possible they might not fall under the definition that either the faculty or the court of chancery appropriate to the term — became stronger and more durable than ever. it was no longer practicable wholly to conceal them from the family, and even from the neighbourhood. he would sometimes, without any previous notice, absent himself from his house for two or three days, unaccompanied by servant or attendant. this was the more extraordinary, as it was well known that he paid no visits, nor kept up any sort of intercourse with the gentlemen of the vicinity. but it was impossible that a man of mr. falkland’s distinction and fortune should long continue in such a practice, without its being discovered what was become of him; though a considerable part of our county was among the wildest and most desolate districts that are to be found in south britain. mr. falkland was sometimes seen climbing among the rocks, reclining motionless for hours together upon the edge of a precipice, or lulled into a kind of nameless lethargy of despair by the dashing of the torrents. he would remain for whole nights together under the naked cope of heaven, inattentive to the consideration either of place or time; insensible to the variations of the weather, or rather seeming to be delighted with that uproar of the elements, which partially called off his attention from the discord and dejection that occupied his own mind.
at first, when we received intelligence at any time of the place to which mr. falkland had withdrawn himself, some person of his household, mr. collins or myself, but most generally myself, as i was always at home, and always, in the received sense of the word, at leisure, went to him to persuade him to return. but, after a few experiments, we thought it advisable to desist, and leave him to prolong his absence, or to terminate it, as might happen to suit his own inclination. mr. collins, whose grey hairs and long services seemed to give him a sort of right to be importunate, sometimes succeeded; though even in that case there was nothing that could sit more uneasily upon mr. falkland than this insinuation as if he wanted a guardian to take care of him, or as if he were in, or in danger of falling into, a state in which he would be incapable of deliberately controlling his own words and actions. at one time he would suddenly yield to his humble, venerable friend, murmuring grievously at the constraint that was put upon him, but without spirit enough even to complain of it with energy. at another time, even though complying, he would suddenly burst out in a paroxysm of resentment. upon these occasions there was something inconceivably, savagely terrible in his anger, that gave to the person against whom it was directed the most humiliating and insupportable sensations. me he always treated, at these times, with fierceness, and drove me from him with a vehemence lofty, emphatical, and sustained, beyond any thing of which i should have thought human nature to be capable. these sallies seemed always to constitute a sort of crisis in his indisposition; and, whenever he was induced to such a premature return, he would fall immediately after into a state of the most melancholy inactivity, in which he usually continued for two or three days. it was by an obstinate fatality that, whenever i saw mr. falkland in these deplorable situations, and particularly when i lighted upon him after having sought him among the rocks and precipices, pale, emaciated, solitary, and haggard, the suggestion would continually recur to me, in spite of inclination, in spite of persuasion, and in spite of evidence, surely this man is a murderer!
