the period at which my story is now arrived seemed as if it were the very crisis of the fortune of mr. falkland. incident followed upon incident, in a kind of breathless succession. about nine o’clock the next morning an alarm was given, that one of the chimneys of the house was on fire. no accident could be apparently more trivial; but presently it blazed with such fury, as to make it clear that some beam of the house, which in the first building had been improperly placed, had been reached by the flames. some danger was apprehended for the whole edifice. the confusion was the greater, in consequence of the absence of the master, as well as of mr. collins, the steward. while some of the domestics were employed in endeavouring to extinguish the flames, it was thought proper that others should busy themselves in removing the most valuable moveables to a lawn in the garden. i took some command in the affair, to which indeed my station in the family seemed to entitle me, and for which i was judged qualified by my understanding and mental resources.
having given some general directions, i conceived, that it was not enough to stand by and superintend, but that i should contribute my personal labour in the public concern. i set out for that purpose; and my steps, by some mysterious fatality, were directed to the private apartment at the end of the library. here, as i looked round, my eye was suddenly caught by the trunk mentioned in the first pages of my narrative.
my mind was already raised to its utmost pitch. in a window-seat of the room lay a number of chisels and other carpenter’s tools. i know not what infatuation instantaneously seized me. the idea was too powerful to be resisted. i forgot the business upon which i came, the employment of the servants, and the urgency of general danger. i should have done the same if the flames that seemed to extend as they proceeded, and already surmounted the house, had reached this very apartment. i snatched a tool suitable for the purpose, threw myself upon the ground, and applied with eagerness to a magazine which inclosed all for which my heart panted. after two or three efforts, in which the energy of uncontrollable passion was added to my bodily strength, the fastenings gave way, the trunk opened, and all that i sought was at once within my reach.
i was in the act of lifting up the lid, when mr. falkland entered, wild, breathless, distracted in his looks! he had been brought home from a considerable distance by the sight of the flames. at the moment of his appearance the lid dropped down from my hand. he no sooner saw me than his eyes emitted sparks of rage. he ran with eagerness to a brace of loaded pistols which hung in the room, and, seizing one, presented it to my head. i saw his design, and sprang to avoid it; but, with the same rapidity with which he had formed his resolution, he changed it, and instantly went to the window, and flung the pistol into the court below. he bade me begone with his usual irresistible energy; and, overcome as i was already by the horror of the detection, i eagerly complied.
a moment after, a considerable part of the chimney tumbled with noise into the court below, and a voice exclaimed that the fire was more violent than ever. these circumstances seemed to produce a mechanical effect upon my patron, who, having first locked the closet, appeared on the outside of the house, ascended the roof, and was in a moment in every place where his presence was required. the flames were at length extinguished.
the reader can with difficulty form a conception of the state to which i was now reduced. my act was in some sort an act of insanity; but how undescribable are the feelings with which i looked back upon it! it was an instantaneous impulse, a short-lived and passing alienation of mind; but what must mr. falkland think of that alienation? to any man a person who had once shown himself capable of so wild a flight of the mind, must appear dangerous: how must he appear to a man under mr. falkland’s circumstances? i had just had a pistol held to my head, by a man resolved to put a period to my existence. that indeed was past; but what was it that fate had yet in reserve for me! the insatiable vengeance of a falkland, of a man whose hands were, to my apprehension, red with blood, and his thoughts familiar with cruelty and murder. how great were the resources of his mind, resources henceforth to be confederated for my destruction! this was the termination of an ungoverned curiosity, an impulse that i had represented to myself as so innocent or so venial.
in the high tide of boiling passion i had overlooked all consequences. it now appeared to me like a dream. is it in man to leap from the high-raised precipice, or rush unconcerned into the midst of flames? was it possible i could have forgotten for a moment the awe-creating manners of falkland, and the inexorable fury i should awake in his soul? no thought of future security had reached my mind. i had acted upon no plan. i had conceived no means of concealing my deed, after it had once been effected. but it was over now. one short minute had effected a reverse in my situation, the suddenness of which the history of man, perhaps is unable to surpass.
i have always been at a loss to account for my having plunged thus headlong into an act so monstrous. there is something in it of unexplained and involuntary sympathy. one sentiment flows, by necessity of nature, into another sentiment of the same general character. this was the first instance in which i had witnessed a danger by fire. all was confusion around me, and all changed into hurricane within. the general situation, to my unpractised apprehension, appeared desperate, and i by contagion became alike desperate. at first i had been in some degree calm and collected, but that too was a desperate effort; and when it gave way, a kind of instant insanity became its successor.
i had now every thing to fear. and yet what was my fault? it proceeded from none of those errors which are justly held up to the aversion of mankind; my object had been neither wealth, nor the means of indulgence, nor the usurpation of power. no spark of malignity had harboured in my soul. i had always reverenced the sublime mind of mr. falkland; i reverenced it still. my offence had merely been a mistaken thirst of knowledge. such however it was, as to admit neither of forgiveness nor remission. this epoch was the crisis of my fate, dividing what may be called the offensive part from the defensive, which has been the sole business of my remaining years. alas! my offence was short, not aggravated by any sinister intention: but the reprisals i was to suffer are long, and can terminate only with my life!
in the state in which i found myself, when the recollection of what i had done flowed back upon my mind, i was incapable of any resolution. all was chaos and uncertainty within me. my thoughts were too full of horror to be susceptible of activity. i felt deserted of my intellectual powers, palsied in mind, and compelled to sit in speechless expectation of the misery to which i was destined. to my own conception i was like a man, who, though blasted with lightning, and deprived for ever of the power of motion, should yet retain the consciousness of his situation. death-dealing despair was the only idea of which i was sensible.
i was still in this situation of mind when mr. falkland sent for me. his message roused me from my trance. in recovering, i felt those sickening and loathsome sensations, which a man may be supposed at first to endure who should return from the sleep of death. gradually i recovered the power of arranging my ideas and directing my steps. i understood, that the minute the affair of the fire was over mr. falkland had retired to his own room. it was evening before he ordered me to be called.
i found in him every token of extreme distress, except that there was an air of solemn and sad composure that crowned the whole. for the present, all appearance of gloom, stateliness, and austerity was gone. as i entered he looked up, and, seeing who it was, ordered me to bolt the door. i obeyed. he went round the room, and examined its other avenues. he then returned to where i stood. i trembled in every joint of my frame. i exclaimed within myself, “what scene of death has roscius now to act?”
“williams!” said he, in a tone which had more in it of sorrow than resentment, “i have attempted your life! i am a wretch devoted to the scorn and execration of mankind!” there he stopped.
“if there be one being on the whole earth that feels the scorn and execration due to such a wretch more strongly than another, it is myself. i have been kept in a state of perpetual torture and madness. but i can put an end to it and its consequences; and, so far at least as relates to you, i am determined to do it. i know the price, and — i will make the purchase.
“you must swear,” said he. “you must attest every sacrament, divine and human, never to disclose what i am now to tell you.”— he dictated the oath, and i repeated it with an aching heart. i had no power to offer a word of remark.
“this confidence,” said he, “is of your seeking, not of mine. it is odious to me, and is dangerous to you.”
having thus prefaced the disclosure he had to make, he paused. he seemed to collect himself as for an effort of magnitude. he wiped his face with his handkerchief. the moisture that incommoded him appeared not to be tears, but sweat.
“look at me. observe me. is it not strange that such a one as i should retain lineaments of a human creature? i am the blackest of villains. i am the murderer of tyrrel. i am the assassin of the hawkinses.”
i started with terror, and was silent.
“what a story is mine! insulted, disgraced, polluted in the face of hundreds, i was capable of any act of desperation. i watched my opportunity, followed mr. tyrrel from the rooms, seized a sharp-pointed knife that fell in my way, came behind him, and stabbed him to the heart. my gigantic oppressor rolled at my feet.
“all are but links of one chain. a blow! a murder! my next business was to defend myself, to tell so well-digested a lie as that all mankind should believe it true. never was a task so harrowing and intolerable!
“well, thus far fortune favoured me; she favoured me beyond my desire. the guilt was removed from me, and cast upon another; but this i was to endure. whence came the circumstantial evidence against him, the broken knife and the blood, i am unable to tell. i suppose, by some miraculous accident, hawkins was passing by, and endeavoured to assist his oppressor in the agonies of death. you have heard his story; you have read one of his letters. but you do not know the thousandth part of the proofs of his simple and unalterable rectitude that i have known. his son suffered with him; that son, for the sake of whose happiness and virtue he ruined himself, and would have died a hundred times.— i have had feelings, but i cannot describe them.
“this it is to be a gentleman! a man of honour! i was the fool of fame. my virtue, my honesty, my everlasting peace of mind, were cheap sacrifices to be made at the shrine of this divinity. but, what is worse, there is nothing that has happened that has in any degree contributed to my cure. i am as much the fool of fame as ever. i cling to it to my last breath. though i be the blackest of villains, i will leave behind me a spotless and illustrious name. there is no crime so malignant, no scene of blood so horrible, in which that object cannot engage me. it is no matter that i regard these things at a distance with aversion;— i am sure of it; bring me to the test, and i shall yield. i despise myself, but thus i am; things are gone too far to be recalled.
“why is it that i am compelled to this confidence? from the love of fame. i should tremble at the sight of every pistol or instrument of death that offered itself to my hands; and perhaps my next murder may not be so fortunate as those i have already committed. i had no alternative but to make you my confidant or my victim. it was better to trust you with the whole truth under every seal of secrecy, than to live in perpetual fear of your penetration or your rashness.
“do you know what it is you have done? to gratify a foolishly inquisitive humour, you have sold yourself. you shall continue in my service, but can never share my affection. i will benefit you in respect of fortune, but i shall always hate you. if ever an unguarded word escape from your lips, if ever you excite my jealousy or suspicion, expect to pay for it by your death or worse. it is a dear bargain you have made. but it is too late to look back. i charge and adjure you by every thing that is sacred, and that is tremendous, preserve your faith!
“my tongue has now for the first time for several years spoken the language of my heart; and the intercourse from this hour shall be shut for ever. i want no pity. i desire no consolation. surrounded as i am with horrors, i will at least preserve my fortitude to the last. if i had been reserved to a different destiny, i have qualities in that respect worthy of a better cause. i can be mad, miserable, and frantic; but even in frenzy i can preserve my presence of mind and discretion.”
such was the story i had been so desirous to know. though my mind had brooded upon the subject for months, there was not a syllable of it that did not come to my ear with the most perfect sense of novelty. “mr. falkland is a murderer!” said i, as i retired from the conference. this dreadful appellative, “a murderer,” made my very blood run cold within me. “he killed mr. tyrrel, for he could not control his resentment and anger: he sacrificed hawkins the elder and hawkins the younger, because he could upon no terms endure the public loss of honour: how can i expect that a man thus passionate and unrelenting will not sooner or later make me his victim?”
but, notwithstanding this terrible application of the story, an application to which perhaps in some form or other, mankind are indebted for nine tenths of their abhorrence against vice, i could not help occasionally recurring to reflections of an opposite nature. “mr. falkland is a murderer!” resumed i. “he might yet be a most excellent man, if he did but think so.” it is the thinking ourselves vicious then, that principally contributes to make us vicious.
amidst the shock i received from finding, what i had never suffered myself constantly to believe, that my suspicions were true, i still discovered new cause of admiration for my master. his menaces indeed were terrible. but, when i recollected the offence i had given, so contrary to every received principle of civilised society, so insolent and rude, so intolerable to a man of mr. falkland’s elevation, and in mr. falkland’s peculiarity of circumstances, i was astonished at his forbearance. there were indeed sufficiently obvious reasons why he might not choose to proceed to extremities with me. but how different from the fearful expectations i had conceived were the calmness of his behaviour, and the regulated mildness of his language! in this respect, i for a short time imagined that i was emancipated from the mischiefs which had appalled me; and that, in having to do with a man of mr. falkland’s liberality, i had nothing rigorous to apprehend.
“it is a miserable prospect,” said i, “that he holds up to me. he imagines that i am restrained by no principles, and deaf to the claims of personal excellence. but he shall find himself mistaken. i will never become an informer. i will never injure my patron; and therefore he will not be my enemy. with all his misfortunes and all his errors, i feel that my soul yearns for his welfare. if he have been criminal, that is owing to circumstances; the same qualities under other circumstances would have been, or rather were, sublimely beneficent.”
my reasonings were, no doubt, infinitely more favourable to mr. falkland, than those which human beings are accustomed to make in the case of such as they style great criminals. this will not be wondered at, when it is considered that i had myself just been trampling on the established boundaries of obligation, and therefore might well have a fellow-feeling for other offenders. add to which, i had known mr. falkland from the first as a beneficent divinity. i had observed at leisure, and with a minuteness which could not deceive me, the excellent qualities of his heart; and i found him possessed of a mind beyond comparison the most fertile and accomplished i had ever known.
but though the terrors which had impressed me were considerably alleviated, my situation was notwithstanding sufficiently miserable. the ease and light-heartedness of my youth were for ever gone. the voice of an irresistible necessity had commanded me to “sleep no more.” i was tormented with a secret, of which i must never disburthen myself; and this consciousness was, at my age, a source of perpetual melancholy. i had made myself a prisoner, in the most intolerable sense of that term, for years — perhaps for the rest of my life. though my prudence and discretion should be invariable, i must remember that i should have an overseer, vigilant from conscious guilt, full of resentment at the unjustifiable means by which i had extorted from him a confession, and whose lightest caprice might at any time decide upon every thing that was dear to me. the vigilance even of a public and systematical despotism is poor, compared with a vigilance which is thus goaded by the most anxious passions of the soul. against this species of persecution i knew not how to invent a refuge. i dared neither fly from the observation of mr. falkland, nor continue exposed to its operation. i was at first indeed lulled in a certain degree to security upon the verge of the precipice. but it was not long before i found a thousand circumstances perpetually reminding me of my true situation. those i am now to relate are among the most memorable.
