all is over. i have carried into execution my meditated attempt. my situation is totally changed; i now sit down to give an account of it. for several weeks after the completion of this dreadful business, my mind was in too tumultuous a state to permit me to write. i think i shall now be able to arrange my thoughts sufficiently for that purpose. great god! how wondrous, how terrible are the events that have intervened since i was last employed in a similar manner! it is no wonder that my thoughts were solemn, and my mind filled with horrible forebodings!
having formed my resolution, i set out from harwich, for the metropolitan town of the county in which mr. falkland resided. gines, i well knew, was in my rear. that was of no consequence to me. he might wonder at the direction i pursued, but he could not tell with what purpose i pursued it. my design was a secret, carefully locked up in my own breast. it was not without a sentiment of terror that i entered a town which had been the scene of my long imprisonment. i proceeded to the house of the chief magistrate the instant i arrived, that i might give no time to my adversary to counterwork my proceeding.
i told him who i was, and that i was come from a distant part of the kingdom, for the purpose of rendering him the medium of a charge of murder against my former patron. my name was already familiar to him. he answered, that he could not take cognizance of my deposition; that i was an object of universal execration in that part of the world; and he was determined upon no account to be the vehicle of my depravity.
i warned him to consider well what he was doing. i called upon him for no favour; i only applied to him in the regular exercise of his function. would he take upon him to say that he had a right, at his pleasure, to suppress a charge of this complicated nature? i had to accuse mr. falkland of repeated murders. the perpetrator knew that i was in possession of the truth upon the subject; and, knowing that, i went perpetually in danger of my life from his malice and revenge. i was resolved to go through with the business, if justice were to be obtained from any court in england. upon what pretence did he refuse my deposition? i was in every respect a competent witness. i was of age to understand the nature of an oath; i was in my perfect senses; i was untarnished by the verdict of any jury, or the sentence of any judge. his private opinion of my character could not alter the law of the land. i demanded to be confronted with mr. falkland, and i was well assured i should substantiate the charge to the satisfaction of the whole world. if he did not think proper to apprehend him upon my single testimony, i should be satisfied if he only sent him notice of the charge, and summoned him to appear.
the magistrate, finding me thus resolute, thought proper a little to lower his tone. he no longer absolutely refused to comply with my requisition, but condescended to expostulate with me. he represented to me mr. falkland’s health, which had for some years been exceedingly indifferent; his having been once already brought to the most solemn examination upon this charge; the diabolical malice in which alone my proceeding must have originated; and the ten-fold ruin it would bring down upon my head. to all these representations my answer was short. “i was determined to go on, and would abide the consequences.” a summons was at length granted, and notice sent to mr. falkland of the charge preferred against him.
three days elapsed before any further step could be taken in this business. this interval in no degree contributed to tranquillise my mind. the thought of preferring a capital accusation against, and hastening the death of, such a man as mr. falkland, was by no means an opiate to reflection. at one time i commended the action, either as just revenge (for the benevolence of my nature was in a great degree turned to gall), or as necessary self-defence, or as that which, in an impartial and philanthropical estimate, included the smallest evil. at another time i was haunted with doubts. but, in spite of these variations of sentiment, i uniformly determined to persist! i felt as if impelled by a tide of unconquerable impulse. the consequences were such as might well appal the stoutest heart. either the ignominious execution of a man whom i had once so deeply venerated, and whom now i sometimes suspected not to be without his claims to veneration; or a confirmation, perhaps an increase, of the calamities i had so long endured. yet these i preferred to a state of uncertainty. i desired to know the worst; to put an end to the hope, however faint, which had been so long my torment; and, above all, to exhaust and finish the catalogue of expedients that were at my disposition. my mind was worked up to a state little short of frenzy. my body was in a burning fever with the agitation of my thoughts. when i laid my hand upon my bosom or my head, it seemed to scorch them with the fervency of its heat. i could not sit still for a moment. i panted with incessant desire that the dreadful crisis i had so eagerly invoked, were come, and were over.
after an interval of three days, i met mr. falkland in the presence of the magistrate to whom i had applied upon the subject. i had only two hours’ notice to prepare myself; mr. falkland seeming as eager as i to have the question brought to a crisis, and laid at rest for ever. i had an opportunity, before the examination, to learn that mr. forester was drawn by some business on an excursion on the continent; and that collins, whose health when i saw him was in a very precarious state, was at this time confined with an alarming illness. his constitution had been wholly broken by his west indian expedition. the audience i met at the house of the magistrate consisted of several gentlemen and others selected for the purpose; the plan being, in some respects, as in the former instance, to find a medium between the suspicious air of a private examination, and the indelicacy, as it was styled, of an examination exposed to the remark of every casual spectator.
i can conceive of no shock greater than that i received from the sight of mr. falkland. his appearance on the last occasion on which we met had been haggard, ghost-like, and wild, energy in his gestures, and frenzy in his aspect. it was now the appearance of a corpse. he was brought in in a chair, unable to stand, fatigued and almost destroyed by the journey he had just taken. his visage was colourless; his limbs destitute of motion, almost of life. his head reclined upon his bosom, except that now and then he lifted it up, and opened his eyes with a languid glance; immediately after which he sunk back into his former apparent insensibility. he seemed not to have three hours to live. he had kept his chamber for several weeks; but the summons of the magistrate had been delivered to him at his bed-side, his orders respecting letters and written papers being so peremptory that no one dared to disobey them. upon reading the paper he was seized with a very dangerous fit; but, as soon as he recovered, he insisted upon being conveyed, with all practicable expedition, to the place of appointment. falkland, in the most helpless state, was still falkland, firm in command, and capable to extort obedience from every one that approached him.
what a sight was this to me! till the moment that falkland was presented to my view, my breast was steeled to pity. i thought that i had coolly entered into the reason of the case (passion, in a state of solemn and omnipotent vehemence, always appears to be coolness to him in whom it domineers), and that i had determined impartially and justly. i believed that, if mr. falkland were permitted to persist in his schemes, we must both of us be completely wretched. i believed that it was in my power, by the resolution i had formed, to throw my share of this wretchedness from me, and that his could scarcely be increased. it appeared therefore to my mind, to be a mere piece of equity and justice, such as an impartial spectator would desire, that one person should be miserable in preference to two; that one person rather than two should be incapacitated from acting his part, and contributing his share to the general welfare. i thought that in this business i had risen superior to personal considerations, and judged with a total neglect of the suggestions of self-regard. it is true, mr. falkland was mortal, but, notwithstanding his apparent decay, he might live long. ought i to submit to waste the best years of my life in my present wretched situation? he had declared that his reputation should be for ever inviolate; this was his ruling passion, the thought that worked his soul to madness. he would probably therefore leave a legacy of persecution to be received by me from the hands of gines, or some other villain equally atrocious, when he should himself be no more. now or never was the time for me to redeem my future life from endless woe.
but all these fine-spun reasonings vanished before the object that was now presented to me. “shall i trample upon a man thus dreadfully reduced? shall i point my animosity against one, whom the system of nature has brought down to the grave? shall i poison, with sounds the most intolerable to his ears, the last moments of a man like falkland? it is impossible. there must have been some dreadful mistake in the train of argument that persuaded me to be the author of this hateful scene. there must have been a better and more magnanimous remedy to the evils under which i groaned.”
it was too late: the mistake i had committed was now gone past all power of recall. here was falkland, solemnly brought before a magistrate to answer to a charge of murder. here i stood, having already declared myself the author of the charge, gravely and sacredly pledged to support it. this was my situation; and, thus situated, i was called upon immediately to act. my whole frame shook. i would eagerly have consented that that moment should have been the last of my existence. i however believed, that the conduct now most indispensably incumbent on me was to lay the emotions of my soul naked before my hearers. i looked first at mr. falkland, and then at the magistrate and attendants, and then at mr. falkland again. my voice was suffocated with agony. i began:—
“why cannot i recall the last four days of my life? how was it possible for me to be so eager, so obstinate, in a purpose so diabolical? oh, that i had listened to the expostulations of the magistrate that hears me, or submitted to the well-meant despotism of his authority! hitherto i have been only miserable; henceforth i shall account myself base! hitherto, though hardly treated by mankind, i stood acquitted at the bar of my own conscience. i had not filled up the measure of my wretchedness!
“would to god it were possible for me to retire from this scene without uttering another word! i would brave the consequences — i would submit to any imputation of cowardice, falsehood, and profligacy, rather than add to the weight of misfortune with which mr. falkland is overwhelmed. but the situation, and the demands of mr. falkland himself, forbid me. he, in compassion for whose fallen state i would willingly forget every interest of my own, would compel me to accuse, that he might enter upon his justification. i will confess every sentiment of my heart.
“no penitence, no anguish, can expiate the folly and the cruelty of this last act i have perpetrated. but mr. falkland well knows — i affirm it in his presence — how unwillingly i have proceeded to this extremity. i have reverenced him; he was worthy of reverence: i have loved him; he was endowed with qualities that partook of divine.
“from the first moment i saw him, i conceived the most ardent admiration. he condescended to encourage me; i attached myself to him with the fulness of my affection. he was unhappy; i exerted myself with youthful curiosity to discover the secret of his woe. this was the beginning of misfortune.
“what shall i say?— he was indeed the murderer of tyrrel; he suffered the hawkinses to be executed, knowing that they were innocent, and that he alone was guilty. after successive surmises, after various indiscretions on my part, and indications on his, he at length confided to me at full the fatal tale!
“mr. falkland! i most solemnly conjure you to recollect yourself! did i ever prove myself unworthy of your confidence? the secret was a most painful burthen to me; it was the extremest folly that led me unthinkingly to gain possession of it; but i would have died a thousand deaths rather than betray it. it was the jealousy of your own thoughts, and the weight that hung upon your mind, that led you to watch my motions, and to conceive alarm from every particle of my conduct.
“you began in confidence; why did you not continue in confidence? the evil that resulted from my original imprudence would then have been comparatively little. you threatened me: did i then betray you? a word from my lips at that time would have freed me from your threats for ever. i bore them for a considerable period, and at last quitted your service, and threw myself a fugitive upon the world, in silence. why did you not suffer me to depart? you brought me back by stratagem and violence, and wantonly accused me of an enormous felony! did i then mention a syllable of the murder, the secret of which was in my possession?
“where is the man that has suffered more from the injustice of society than i have done? i was accused of a villainy that my heart abhorred. i was sent to jail. i will not enumerate the horrors of my prison, the lightest of which would make the heart of humanity shudder. i looked forward to the gallows! young, ambitious, fond of life, innocent as the child unborn, i looked forward to the gallows! i believed that one word of resolute accusation against my patron would deliver me; yet i was silent, i armed myself with patience, uncertain whether it were better to accuse or to die. did this show me a man unworthy to be trusted?
“i determined to break out of prison. with infinite difficulty, and repeated miscarriages, i at length effected my purpose. instantly a proclamation, with a hundred guineas reward, was issued for apprehending me. i was obliged to take shelter among the refuse of mankind, in the midst of a gang of thieves. i encountered the most imminent peril of my life when i entered this retreat, and when i quitted it. immediately after, i travelled almost the whole length of the kingdom, in poverty and distress, in hourly danger of being retaken and manacled like a felon. i would have fled my country; i was prevented. i had recourse to various disguises; i was innocent, and yet was compelled to as many arts and subterfuges as could have been entailed on the worst of villains. in london i was as much harassed and as repeatedly alarmed as i had been in my flight through the country. did all these persecutions persuade me to put an end to my silence? no: i suffered them with patience and submission; i did not make one attempt to retort them upon their author.
“i fell at last into the hands of the miscreants that are nourished with human blood. in this terrible situation i, for the first time, attempted, by turning informer, to throw the weight from myself. happily for me, the london magistrate listened to my tale with insolent contempt.
“i soon, and long, repented of my rashness, and rejoiced in my miscarriage.
“i acknowledge that, in various ways, mr. falkland showed humanity towards me during this period. he would have prevented my going to prison at first; he contributed towards my subsistence during my detention; he had no share in the pursuit that had been set on foot against me; he at length procured my discharge, when brought forward for trial. but a great part of his forbearance was unknown to me; i supposed him to be my unrelenting pursuer. i could not forget that, whoever heaped calamities on me in the sequel, they all originated in his forged accusation.
“the prosecution against me for felony was now at an end. why were not my sufferings permitted to terminate then, and i allowed to hide my weary head in some obscure yet tranquil retreat? had i not sufficiently proved my constancy and fidelity? would not a compromise in this situation have been most wise and most secure? but the restless and jealous anxiety of mr. falkland would not permit him to repose the least atom of confidence. the only compromise that he proposed was that, with my own hand, i should sign myself a villain. i refused this proposal, and have ever since been driven from place to place, deprived of peace, of honest fame, even of bread. for a long time i persisted in the resolution that no emergency should convert me into the assailant. in an evil hour i at last listened to my resentment and impatience, and the hateful mistake into which i fell has produced the present scene.
“i now see that mistake in all its enormity. i am sure that if i had opened my heart to mr. falkland, if i had told to him privately the tale that i have now been telling, he could not have resisted my reasonable demand. after all his precautions, he must ultimately have depended upon my forbearance. could he be sure that, if i were at last worked up to disclose every thing i knew, and to enforce it with all the energy i could exert, i should obtain no credit? if he must in every case be at my mercy, in which mode ought he to have sought his safety, in conciliation, or in inexorable cruelty?
“mr. falkland is of a noble nature. yes; in spite of the catastrophe of tyrrel, of the miserable end of the hawkinses, and of all that i have myself suffered, i affirm that he has qualities of the most admirable kind. it is therefore impossible that he could have resisted a frank and fervent expostulation, the frankness and the fervour in which the whole soul is poured out. i despaired, while it was yet time to have made the just experiment; but my despair was criminal, was treason against the sovereignty of truth.
“i have told a plain and unadulterated tale. i came hither to curse, but i remain to bless. i came to accuse, but am compelled to applaud. i proclaim to all the world, that mr. falkland is a man worthy of affection and kindness, and that i am myself the basest and most odious of mankind! never will i forgive myself the iniquity of this day. the memory will always haunt me, and embitter every hour of my existence. in thus acting i have been a murderer — a cool, deliberate, unfeeling murderer.— i have said what my accursed precipitation has obliged me to say. do with me as you please! i ask no favour. death would be a kindness, compared to what i feel!”
such were the accents dictated by my remorse. i poured them out with uncontrollable impetuosity; for my heart was pierced, and i was compelled to give vent to its anguish. every one that heard me, was petrified with astonishment. every one that heard me, was melted into tears. they could not resist the ardour with which i praised the great qualities of falkland; they manifested their sympathy in the tokens of my penitence.
how shall i describe the feelings of this unfortunate man? before i began, he seemed sunk and debilitated, incapable of any strenuous impression. when i mentioned the murder, i could perceive in him an involuntary shuddering, though it was counteracted partly by the feebleness of his frame, and partly by the energy of his mind. this was an allegation he expected, and he had endeavoured to prepare himself for it. but there was much of what i said, of which he had had no previous conception. when i expressed the anguish of my mind, he seemed at first startled and alarmed, lest this should be a new expedient to gain credit to my tale. his indignation against me was great for having retained all my resentment towards him, thus, as it might be, to the last hour of his existence. it was increased when he discovered me, as he supposed, using a pretence of liberality and sentiment to give new edge to my hostility. but as i went on he could no longer resist. he saw my sincerity; he was penetrated with my grief and compunction. he rose from his seat, supported by the attendants, and — to my infinite astonishment — threw himself into my arms!
“williams,” said he, “you have conquered! i see too late the greatness and elevation of your mind. i confess that it is to my fault and not yours, that it is to the excess of jealousy that was ever burning in my bosom, that i owe my ruin. i could have resisted any plan of malicious accusation you might have brought against me. but i see that the artless and manly story you have told, has carried conviction to every hearer. all my prospects are concluded. all that i most ardently desired, is for ever frustrated. i have spent a life of the basest cruelty, to cover one act of momentary vice, and to protect myself against the prejudices of my species. i stand now completely detected. my name will be consecrated to infamy, while your heroism, your patience, and your virtues will be for ever admired. you have inflicted on me the most fatal of all mischiefs; but i bless the hand that wounds me. and now,”— turning to the magistrate —“and now, do with me as you please. i am prepared to suffer all the vengeance of the law. you cannot inflict on me more than i deserve. you cannot hate me, more than i hate myself. i am the most execrable of all villains. i have for many years (i know not how long) dragged on a miserable existence in insupportable pain. i am at last, in recompense for all my labours and my crimes, dismissed from it with the disappointment of my only remaining hope, the destruction of that for the sake of which alone i consented to exist. it was worthy of such a life, that it should continue just long enough to witness this final overthrow. if however you wish to punish me, you must be speedy in your justice; for, as reputation was the blood that warmed my heart, so i feel that death and infamy must seize me together.”
i record the praises bestowed on me by falkland, not because i deserved them, but because they serve to aggravate the baseness of my cruelty. he survived this dreadful scene but three days. i have been his murderer. it was fit that he should praise my patience, who has fallen a victim, life and fame, to my precipitation! it would have been merciful in comparison, if i had planted a dagger in his heart. he would have thanked me for my kindness. but, atrocious, execrable wretch that i have been! i wantonly inflicted on him an anguish a thousand times worse than death. meanwhile i endure the penalty of my crime. his figure is ever in imagination before me. waking or sleeping, i still behold him. he seems mildly to expostulate with me for my unfeeling behaviour. i live the devoted victim of conscious reproach. alas! i am the same caleb williams that, so short a time ago, boasted that, however great were the calamities i endured, i was still innocent.
such has been the result of a project i formed, for delivering myself from the evil that had so long attended me. i thought that, if falkland were dead, i should return once again to all that makes life worth possessing. i thought that, if the guilt of falkland were established, fortune and the world would smile upon my efforts. both these events are accomplished; and it is now only that i am truly miserable.
why should my reflections perpetually centre upon myself?— self, an overweening regard to which has been the source of my errors! falkland, i will think only of thee, and from that thought will draw ever-fresh nourishment for my sorrows! one generous, one disinterested tear i will consecrate to thy ashes! a nobler spirit lived not among the sons of men. thy intellectual powers were truly sublime, and thy bosom burned with a god-like ambition. but of what use are talents and sentiments in the corrupt wilderness of human society? it is a rank and rotten soil, from which every finer shrub draws poison as it grows. all that, in a happier field and a purer air, would expand into virtue and germinate into usefulness, is thus concerted into henbane and deadly nightshade.
falkland! thou enteredst upon thy career with the purest and most laudable intentions. but thou imbibedst the poison of chivalry with thy earliest youth; and the base and low-minded envy that met thee on thy return to thy native seats, operated with this poison to hurry thee into madness. soon, too soon, by this fatal coincidence, were the blooming hopes of thy youth blasted for ever. from that moment thou only continuedst to live to the phantom of departed honour. from that moment thy benevolence was, in a great part, turned into rankling jealousy and inexorable precaution. year after year didst thou spend in this miserable project of imposture; and only at last continuedst to live, long enough to see, by my misjudging and abhorred intervention, thy closing hope disappointed, and thy death accompanied with the foulest disgrace!
i began these memoirs with the idea of vindicating my character. i have now no character that i wish to vindicate: but i will finish them that thy story may be fully understood; and that, if those errors of thy life be known which thou so ardently desiredst to conceal, the world may at least not hear and repeat a half-told and mangled tale.
