that hour with strefford had altered her whole perspective.
instead of possible dependence, an enforced return to the oldlife of connivances and concessions, she saw before her--whenever she chose to take them--freedom, power and dignity.
dignity! it was odd what weight that word had come to have forher. she had dimly felt its significance, felt the need of itspresence in her inmost soul, even in the young thoughtless dayswhen she had seemed to sacrifice so little to the austeredivinities. and since she had been nick lansing's wife she hadconsciously acknowledged it, had suffered and agonized when shefell beneath its standard. yes: to marry strefford would giveher that sense of self-respect which, in such a world as theirs,only wealth and position could ensure. if she had not themental or moral training to attain independence in any otherway, was she to blame for seeking it on such terms?
of course there was always the chance that nick would come back,would find life without her as intolerable as she was finding itwithout him. if that happened--ah, if that happened! then shewould cease to strain her eyes into the future, would seize uponthe present moment and plunge into it to the very bottom ofoblivion. nothing on earth would matter then--money or freedomor pride, or her precious moral dignity, if only she were innick's arms again!
but there was nick's icy letter, there was coral hicks'sinsolent post-card, to show how little chance there was of sucha solution. susy understood that, even before the discovery ofher transaction with ellie vanderlyn, nick had secretly wearied,if not of his wife, at least of the life that their marriagecompelled him to lead. his passion was not strong enough-hadnever been strong enough--to outweigh his prejudices, scruples,principles, or whatever one chose to call them. susy's dignitymight go up like tinder in the blaze of her love; but his wasmade of a less combustible substance. she had felt, in theirlast talk together, that she had forever destroyed the innerharmony between them.
well--there it was, and the fault was doubtless neither hers norhis, but that of the world they had grown up in, of their ownmoral contempt for it and physical dependence on it, of hishalf-talents and her half-principles, of the something in themboth that was not stout enough to resist nor yet pliant enoughto yield. she stared at the fact on the journey back toversailles, and all that sleepless night in her room; and thenext morning, when the housemaid came in with her breakfasttray, she felt the factitious energy that comes from havingdecided, however half-heartedly, on a definite course.
she had said to herself: "if there's no letter from nick thistime next week i'll write to streff--" and the week had passed,and there was no letter.
it was now three weeks since he had left her, and she had had noword but his note from genoa. she had concluded that,foreseeing the probability of her leaving venice, he would writeto her in care of their paris bank. but though she hadimmediately notified the bank of her change of address nocommunication from nick had reached her; and she smiled with atouch of bitterness at the difficulty he was doubtless findingin the composition of the promised letter. her own scrap-basket, for the first days, had been heaped with the fragmentsof the letters she had begun; and she told herself that, sincethey both found it so hard to write, it was probably becausethey had nothing left to say to each other.
meanwhile the days at mrs. melrose's drifted by as they had beenwont to drift when, under the roofs of the rich, susy branch hadmarked time between one episode and the next of her precariousexistence. her experience of such sojourns was varied enough tomake her acutely conscious of their effect on her temporaryhosts; and in the present case she knew that violet was hardlyaware of her presence. but if no more than tolerated she was atleast not felt to be an inconvenience; when your hostess forgotabout you it proved that at least you were not in her way.
violet, as usual, was perpetually on the wing, for her profoundindolence expressed itself in a disordered activity. nat fulmerhad returned to paris; but susy guessed that his benefactresswas still constantly in his company, and that when mrs. melrosewas whirled away in her noiseless motor it was generally towardthe scene of some new encounter between fulmer and the arts. onthese occasions she sometimes offered to carry susy to paris,and they devoted several long and hectic mornings to the dress-makers, where susy felt herself gradually succumbing to thefamiliar spell of heaped-up finery. it seemed impossible, asfurs and laces and brocades were tossed aside, brought back, andat last carelessly selected from, that anything but the whim ofthe moment need count in deciding whether one should take all ornone, or that any woman could be worth looking at who did notpossess the means to make her choice regardless of cost.
once alone, and in the street again, the evil fumes wouldevaporate, and daylight re-enter susy's soul; yet she felt thatthe old poison was slowly insinuating itself into her system.
to dispel it she decided one day to look up grace fulmer. shewas curious to know how the happy-go-lucky companion of fulmer'sevil days was bearing the weight of his prosperity, and shevaguely felt that it would be refreshing to see some one who hadnever been afraid of poverty.
the airless pension sitting-room, where she waited while areluctant maid-servant screamed about the house for mrs. fulmer,did not have the hoped-for effect. it was one thing for graceto put up with such quarters when she shared them with fulmer;but to live there while he basked in the lingering radiance ofversailles, or rolled from chateau to picture gallery in mrs.
melrose's motor, showed a courage that susy felt unable toemulate.
"my dear! i knew you'd look me up," grace's joyous voice randown the stairway; and in another moment she was clasping susyto her tumbled person.
"nat couldn't remember if he'd given you our address, though hepromised me he would, the last time he was here." she held susyat arms' length, beaming upon her with blinking short-sightedeyes: the same old dishevelled grace, so careless of herneglected beauty and her squandered youth, so amused and absent-minded and improvident, that the boisterous air of the newhampshire bungalow seemed to enter with her into the little air-tight salon.
while she poured out the tale of nat's sudden celebrity, and itsunexpected consequences, susy marvelled and dreamed. was thesecret of his triumph perhaps due to those long hard unrewardedyears, the steadfast scorn of popularity, the indifference toevery kind of material ease in which his wife had so gailyabetted him? had it been bought at the cost of her ownfreshness and her own talent, of the children's "advantages," ofeverything except the closeness of the tie between husband andwife? well--it was worth the price, no doubt; but what if, nowthat honours and prosperity had come, the tie were snapped, andgrace were left alone among the ruins?
there was nothing in her tone or words to suggest such apossibility. susy noticed that her ill-assorted raiment wascostlier in quality and more professional in cut than the home-made garments which had draped her growing bulk at the bungalow:
it was clear that she was trying to dress up to nat's newsituation. but, above all, she was rejoicing in it, filling herhungry lungs with the strong air of his success. it hadevidently not occurred to her as yet that those who consent toshare the bread of adversity may want the whole cake ofprosperity for themselves.
"my dear, it's too wonderful! he's told me to take as manyconcert and opera tickets as i like; he lets me take all thechildren with me. the big concerts don't begin till later; butof course the opera is always going. and there are littlethings--there's music in paris at all seasons. and later it'sjust possible we may get to munich for a week--oh, susy!" herhands clasped, her eyes brimming, she drank the new wine of lifealmost sacramentally.
"do you remember, susy, when you and nick came to stay at thebungalow? nat said you'd be horrified by our primitiveness-buti knew better! and i was right, wasn't i? seeing us so happymade you and nick decide to follow our example, didn't it?" sheglowed with the remembrance. "and now, what are your plans? isnick's book nearly done? i suppose you'll have to live veryeconomically till he finds a publisher. and the baby, darling-when is that to be? if you're coming home soon i could let youhave a lot of the children's little old things.""you're always so dear, grace. but we haven't any special plansas yet--not even for a baby. and i wish you'd tell me all ofyours instead."mrs. fulmer asked nothing better: susy perceived that, so far,the greater part of her european experience had consisted intalking about what it was to be. "well, you see, nat is sotaken up all day with sight-seeing and galleries and meetingimportant people that he hasn't had time to go about with us;and as so few theatres are open, and there's so little music,i've taken the opportunity to catch up with my mending. juniehelps me with it now--she's our eldest, you remember? she'sgrown into a big girl since you saw her. and later, perhaps,we're to travel. and the most wonderful thing of all--next tonat's recognition, i mean--is not having to contrive and skimp,and give up something every single minute. just think--nat haseven made special arrangements here in the pension, so that thechildren all have second helpings to everything. and when i goup to bed i can think of my music, instead of lying awakecalculating and wondering how i can make things come out at theend of the month. oh, susy, that's simply heaven!"susy's heart contracted. she had come to her friend to betaught again the lesson of indifference to material things, andinstead she was hearing from grace fulmer's lips the long-repressed avowal of their tyranny. after all, that battle withpoverty on the new hampshire hillside had not been the easysmiling business that grace and nat had made it appear. and yet... and yet ....
susy stood up abruptly, and straightened the expensive hat whichhung irresponsibly over grace's left ear.
"what's wrong with it? junie helped me choose it, and shegenerally knows," mrs. fulmer wailed with helpless hands.
"it's the way you wear it, dearest--and the bow is rather top-heavy. let me have it a minute, please." susy lifted the hatfrom her friend's head and began to manipulate its trimming.
"this is the way maria guy or suzanne would do it .... and nowgo on about nat ...."she listened musingly while grace poured forth the tale of herhusband's triumph, of the notices in the papers, the demand forhis work, the fine ladies' battles over their priority indiscovering him, and the multiplied orders that had resultedfrom their rivalry.
"of course they're simply furious with each other-mrs. melroseand mrs. gillow especially--because each one pretends to havebeen the first to notice his 'spring snow-storm,' and in realityit wasn't either of them, but only poor bill haslett, an art-critic we've known for years, who chanced on the picture, andrushed off to tell a dealer who was looking for a new painter topush." grace suddenly raised her soft myopic eyes to susy'sface. "but, do you know, the funny thing is that i believe natis beginning to forget this, and to believe that it was mrs.
melrose who stopped short in front of his picture on the openingday, and screamed out: 'this is genius!' it seems funny heshould care so much, when i've always known he had genius-andhe has known it too. but they're all so kind to him; and mrs.
melrose especially. and i suppose it makes a thing sound new tohear it said in a new voice."susy looked at her meditatively. "and how should you feel ifnat liked too much to hear mrs. melrose say it? too much, imean, to care any longer what you felt or thought?"her friend's worn face flushed quickly, and then paled: susyalmost repented the question. but mrs. fulmer met it with atranquil dignity. "you haven't been married long enough, dear,to understand ... how people like nat and me feel about suchthings ... or how trifling they seem, in the balance ... thebalance of one's memories."susy stood up again, and flung her arms about her friend. "oh,grace," she laughed with wet eyes, "how can you be as wise asthat, and yet not have sense enough to buy a decent hat?" shegave mrs. fulmer a quick embrace and hurried away. she hadlearned her lesson after all; but it was not exactly the one shehad come to seek.
the week she had allowed herself had passed, and still there wasno word from nick. she allowed herself yet another day, andthat too went by without a letter. she then decided on a stepfrom which her pride had hitherto recoiled; she would call atthe bank and ask for nick's address. she called, embarrassedand hesitating; and was told, after enquiries in the post-officedepartment, that mr. nicholas lansing had given no address sincethat of the palazzo vanderlyn, three months previously. shewent back to versailles that afternoon with the definiteintention of writing to strefford unless the next morning's postbrought a letter.
the next morning brought nothing from nick, but a scribbledmessage from mrs. melrose: would susy, as soon as possible,come into her room for a word, susy jumped up, hurried throughher bath, and knocked at her hostess's door. in the immense lowbed that faced the rich umbrage of the park mrs. melrose laysmoking cigarettes and glancing over her letters. she looked upwith her vague smile, and said dreamily: "susy darling, haveyou any particular plans--for the next few months, i mean?"susy coloured: she knew the intonation of old, and fancied sheunderstood what it implied.
"plans, dearest? any number ... i'm tearing myself away the dayafter to-morrow ... to the gillows' moor, very probably," shehastened to announce.
instead of the relief she had expected to read on mrs. melrose'sdramatic countenance she discovered there the blankestdisappointment.
"oh, really? that's too bad. is it absolutely settled--?""as far as i'm concerned," said susy crisply.
the other sighed. "i'm too sorry. you see, dear, i'd meant toask you to stay on here quietly and look after the fulmerchildren. fulmer and i are going to spain next week--i want tobe with him when he makes his studies, receives his firstimpressions; such a marvellous experience, to be there when heand velasquez meet!" she broke off, lost in prospectiveecstasy. "and, you see, as grace fulmer insists on coming withus--""ah, i see.""well, there are the five children--such a problem," sighed thebenefactress. "if you were at a loose end, you know, dear,while nick's away with his friends, i could really make it worthyour while ....""so awfully good of you, violet; only i'm not, as it happens."oh the relief of being able to say that, gaily, firmly and eventruthfully! take charge of the fulmer children, indeed! susyremembered how nick and she had fled from them that autumnafternoon in new hampshire. the offer gave her a salutaryglimpse of the way in which, as the years passed, and she losther freshness and novelty, she would more and more be used as aconvenience, a stop-gap, writer of notes, runner of errands,nursery governess or companion. she called to mind severalelderly women of her acquaintance, pensioners of her own group,who still wore its livery, struck its attitudes and chatteredits jargon, but had long since been ruthlessly relegated tothese slave-ant offices. never in the world would she jointheir numbers.
mrs. melrose's face fell, and she looked at susy with theplaintive bewilderment of the wielder of millions to whomeverything that cannot be bought is imperceptible.
"but i can't see why you can't change your plans," she murmuredwith a soft persistency.
"ah, well, you know"--susy paused on a slow inward smile--"they're not mine only, as it happens."mrs. melrose's brow clouded. the unforeseen complication ofmrs. fulmer's presence on the journey had evidently tried hernerves, and this new obstacle to her arrangements shook herfaith in the divine order of things.
"your plans are not yours only? but surely you won't let ursulagillow dictate to you? ... there's my jade pendant; the one yousaid you liked the other day .... the fulmers won't go with me,you understand, unless they're satisfied about the children; thewhole plan will fall through. susy darling, you were always toounselfish; i hate to see you sacrificed to ursula."susy's smile lingered. time was when she might have been gladto add the jade pendant to the collection already enriched byellie vanderlyn's sapphires; more recently, she would haveresented the offer as an insult to her newly-found principles.
but already the mere fact that she might henceforth, if shechose, be utterly out of reach of such bribes, enabled her tolook down on them with tolerance. oh, the blessed moral freedomthat wealth conferred! she recalled mrs. fulmer'suncontrollable cry: "the most wonderful thing of all is nothaving to contrive and skimp, and give up something every singleminute!" yes; it was only on such terms that one could callone's soul one's own. the sense of it gave susy the grace toanswer amicably: "if i could possibly help you out, violet, ishouldn't want a present to persuade me. and, as you say,there's no reason why i should sacrifice myself to ursula--or toanybody else. only, as it happens"--she paused and took theplunge--"i'm going to england because i've promised to see afriend." that night she wrote to strefford.
