sunday, july 12, 1942

they've all been so nice to me this last month because of my birthday, and yet every day i feel myself drifting further away from mother and margot. i worked hard today and they praised me, only to start picking on me again five minutes later.

you can easily see the difference between the way they deal with margot and the way they deal with me. for example, margot broke the vacuum cleaner, and because of that we've been without light for the rest of the day. mother said, "well, margot, it's easy to see you're not used to working; otherwise, you'd have known better than to yank the plug out by the cord." margot made some reply, and that was the end of the story.

but this afternoon, when i wanted to rewrite something on mother's shopping list because her handwriting is so hard to read, she wouldn't let me. she bawled me out again, and the whole family wound up getting involved.

i don't fit in with them, and i've felt that clearly in the last few weeks. they're so sentimental together, but i'd rather be sentimental on my own. they're always saying how nice it is with the four of us, and that we get along so well, without giving a moment's thought to the fact that i don't feel that way.

daddy's the only one who understands me, now and again, though he usually sides with mother and margot. another thing i can't stand is having them talk about me in front of outsiders, telling them how i cried or how sensibly i'm behaving. it's horrible. and sometimes they talk about moortje and i can't take that at all. moortje is my weak spot. i miss her every minute of the day, and no one knows how often i think of her; whenever i do, my eyes fill with tears. moortje is so sweet, and i love her so much that i keep dreaming she'll come back to us.

i have plenty of dreams, but the reality is that we'll have to stay here until the war is over. we can't ever go outside, and the only visitors we can have are miep, her husband jan, bep voskuijl, mr. voskuijl, mr. kugler, mr. kleiman and mrs. kleiman, though she hasn't come because she thinks it's too dangerous.

comment added by anne in september 1942: daddy's always so nice. he understands me perfectly, and i wish we could have a heart-to-heart talk sometime without my bursting instantly into tears. but apparently that has to do with my age. i'd like to spend all my time writing, but that would probably get boring.

up to now i've only confided my thoughts to my diary. i still haven't gotten around to writing amusing sketches that i could read aloud at a later date. in the future i'm going to devote less time to sentimentality and more time to reality.