saturday, january 30, 1943

dearest kitty,

i'm seething with rage, yet i can't show it. i'd like to scream, stamp my foot, give mother a good shaking, cry and i don't know what else because of the nasty words, mocking looks and accusations that she hurls at me day after day, piercing me like arrows from a tightly strung bow, which are nearly impossible to pull from my body. i'd like to scream at mother, margot, the van daans, dussel and father too: "leave me alone, let me have at least one night when i don't cry myself to sleep with my eyes burning and my head pounding. let me get away, away from everything, away from this world!" but i can't do that. i can't let them see my doubts, or the wounds they've inflicted on me. i couldn't bear their sympathy or their good-humored derision. it would only make me want to scream even more.

everyone thinks i'm showing off when i talk, ridicu lous when i'm silent, insolent when i answer, cunning when i have a good idea, lazy when i'm tired, selfish when i eat one bite more than i should, stupid, cowardly, calculating, etc., etc. all day long i hear nothing but what an exasperating child i am, and although i laugh it off and pretend not to mind, i do mind. i wish i could ask god to give me another personality, one that doesn't antagonize everyone.

but that's impossible. i'm stuck with the character i was born with, and yet i'm sure i'm not a bad person. i do my best to please everyone, more than they'd ever suspect in a million years. when i'm upstairs, i try to laugh it off because i don't want them to see my troubles.

more than once, after a series of absurd reproaches, i've snapped at mother: "i don't care what you say. why don't you just wash your hands of me -- i'm a hopeless case." of course, she'd tell me not to talk back and virtually ignore me for two days. then suddenly all would be forgotten and she'd treat me like everyone else.

it's impossible for me to be all smiles one day and venomous the next. i'd rather choose the golden mean, which isn't so golden, and keep my thoughts to myself. perhaps sometime i'll treat the others with the same contempt as they treat me. oh, if only i could.

yours, anne