friday, april 2, 1943

dearest kitty,

oh my, another item has been added to my list of sins. last night~ was lying in bed, waiting for father to tuck me in an say my prayers with me, when mother came into the room, sat on my bed and asked very gently, "anne, daddy isn't ready. how about if i listen to your prayers tonight?"

"no, momsy," i replied.

mother got up, stood beside my bed for a moment and then slowly walked toward the door. suddenly she turned, her face contorted with pain, and said, "i don't want to be angry with you. i can't make you love me!" a few tears slid down her cheeks as she went out the door.

i lay still, thinking how mean it was of me to reject her so cruelly, but i also knew that i was incapable of answering her any other way. i can't be a hypocrite and pray with her when i don't feel like it. it just doesn't work that way. i felt sorry for mother -- very, very sorry -- because for the first time in my life i noticed she wasn't indifferent to my coldness. i saw the sorrow in her face when she talked about not being able to make me love her. it's hard to tell the truth, and yet the truth is that she's the one who's rejected me. she's the one whose tactless comments and cruel jokes about matters i don't think are funny have made me insensitive to any sign of love on her part. just as my heart sinks every time i hear her harsh words, that's how her heart sank when she realized there was no more love between us.

she cried half the night and didn't get any sleep. father has avoided looking at me, and if his eyes do happen to cross mine, i can read his unspoken words: "how can you be so unkind? how dare you make your mother so sad!"

everyone expects me to apologize, but this is not something i can apologize for, because i told the truth, and sooner or later mothjr was bound to find out anyway. i seem to be indifferent to mother's tears and father's glances, and i am, because both of them are now feeling what i've always felt. i can only feel sorry for mother, who will have to figure out what her attitude should be all by herself. for my part, i will continue to remain silent and aloof, and i don't intend to shrink from the truth, because the longer it's postponed, the harder it will be for them to accept it when they do hear it!

yours, anne