wednesday, december 29, 1943

i was very sad again last night. grandma and hanneli came to me once more. grandma, oh, my sweet grandma. how little we understood what she suffered, how kind she always was and what an interest she took in everything that concerned us. and to think that all that time she was carefully guarding her terrible secret. * [*anne's grandmother was terminally ill.]

grandma was always so loyal and good. she would never have let any of us down. whatever happened, no matter how much i misbehaved, grandma always stuck up for me. grandma, did you love me, or did you not understand me either? i don't know. how lonely grandma must have been, in spite of us. you can be lonely even when you're loved by many people, since you're still not bd'"di" any 0 y s one an only.

and hanneli? is she still alive? what's she doing? dear god, watch over her and bring her back to us. hanneli, you're a reminder of what my fate might have been. i keep seeing myself in your place. so why am i often miserable about what goes on here?

shouldn't i be happy, contented and glad, except when i'm thinking of hanneli and those suffering along with her? i'm selfish and cowardly. why do i always think and dream the most awful things and want to scream in terror? because, in spite of everything, i still don't have enough faith in god. he's given me so much, which i don't deserve, and yet each day i make so many mistakes!

thinking about the suffering of those you hold dear can reduce you to tears; in fact, you could spend the whole day crying. the most you can do is pray for god to perform a miracle and save at least some of them. and i hope i'm doing enough of that!

anne