saturday, january 22, 1944

dearest kitty,

can you tell me why people go to such lengths to hide their real selves? or why i always behave very differently when i'm in the company of others? why do people have so little trust in one another? i know there must be a reason, but sometimes i think it's horrible that you can't ever confide in anyone, not even those closest to you.

it seems as if i've grown up since the night i had that dream, as if i've become more independent. you'll be amazed when i tell you that even my attitude toward the van daans has changed. i've stopped looking at all the discussions and arguments from my family's biased point of view. what's brought on such a radical change? well, you see, i suddenly realized that if mother had been different, if she'd been a real mom, our relationship would have been very, very different. mrs. van daan is by no means a wonderful person, yet half the arguments could have been avoided if mother hadn't been so hard to deal with every time they got onto a tricky subject. mrs. van daan does have one good point, though: you can talk to her. she may be selfish, stingy and underhanded, but she'll readily back down as long as you don't provoke her and make her unreasonable. this tactic doesn't work every time, but if you're patient, you can keep trying and see how far you get.

all the conflicts about our upbringing, about not pampering children, about the food -- about everything, absolutely everything -- might have taken a different turn if we'd remained open and on friendly terms instead of always seeing the worst side.

i know exactly what you're going to say, kitty.

"but, anne, are these words really coming from your lips? from you, who have had to put up with so many unkind words from upstairs? from you, who are aware of all the injustices?"

and yet they are coming from me. i want to take a fresh look at things and form my own opinion, not just ape my parents, as in the proverb "the apple never falls far from the tree." i want to reexamine the van daans and decide for myself what's true and what's been blown out of proportion. if i wind up being disappointed in them, i can always side with father and mother. but if not, i can try to change their attitude. and if that doesn't work, i'll have to stick with my own opinions and judgment. i'll take every opportunity to speak openly to mrs. van d. about our many differences and not be afraid -- despite my reputation as a smart aleck -- to offer my impartial opinion. i won't say anything negative about my own family, though that doesn't mean i won't defend them if somebody else does, and as of today, my gossiping is a thing of the past.

up to now i was absolutely convinced that the van daans were entirely to blame for the quarrels, but now i'm sure the fault was largely ours. we were right as far as the subject matter was concerned, but intelligent people (such as ourselves!) should have more insight into how to deal with others.

i hope i've got at least a touch of that insight, and that i'll find an occasion to put it to good use.

yours, anne