saturday, february 19, 1944

dearest kitty,

it's saturday again, and that should tell you enough. this morning all was quiet. i spent nearly an hour upstairs making meatballs, but i only spoke to "him" in passing.

when everyone went upstairs at two-thirty to either read or take a nap, i went downstairs, with blanket and all, to sit at the desk and read or write. before long i couldn't take it anymore. i put my head in my arms and sobbed my heart out. the tears streamed down my cheeks, and i felt desperately unhappy. oh, if only' 'he" had come to comfort me.

it was past four by the time i went upstairs again. at five o'clock i set off to get some potatoes, hoping once again that we'd meet, but while i was still in the bathroom fixing my hair, he went to see boche.

i wanted to help mrs. van d. and went upstairs with my book and everything, but suddenly i felt the tears coming again. i raced downstairs to the bathroom, grabbing the hand mirror on the way. i sat there on the toilet, fully dressed, long after i was through, my tears leaving dark spots on the red of my apron, and i felt utterly dejected.

here's what was going through my mind: "oh, i'll never reach peter this way. who knows, maybe he doesn't even like me and he doesn't need anyone to confide in. maybe he only thinks of me in a casual sort of way. i'll have to go back to being alone, without anyone to confide in and without peter, without hope, comfort or anything to look forward to. oh, if only i could rest my head on his shoulder and not feel so hopelessly alone and deserted! who knows, maybe he doesn't care for me at all and looks at the others in the same tender way. maybe i only imagined it was especially for me. oh, peter, if only you could hear me or see me. if the truth is disappointing, i won't be able to bear it."

a little later i felt hopeful and full of expectation again, though my tears were still flowing -- on the inside.

yours, anne m. fran

k