sunday, march 12, 1944

dearest kitty,

things are getting crazier here as the days go by.

peter hasn't looked at me since yesterday. he's been acting as if he's mad at me. i'm doing my best not to chase after him and to talk to him as little as possible, but it's not easy! what's going on, what makes him keep me at arm's length one minute and rush back to my side the next? perhaps i'm imagining that it's worse than it really is. perhaps he's just moody like me, and tomorrow everything will be all right again!

i have the hardest time trying to maintain a normal facade when i'm feeling so wretched and sad. i have to talk, help around the house, sit with the others and, above all, act cheerful! most of all i miss the outdoors and having a place where i can be alone for as long as i want! i think i'm getting everything all mixed up, kitty, but then, i'm in a state of utter confusion: on the one hand, i'm half crazy with desire for him, can hardly be in the same room without looking at him; and on the other hand, i wonder why he should matter to me so much and why i can't be calm again!

day and night, during every waking hour, i do nothing but ask myself, "have you given him enough chance to be alone? have you been spending too much time upstairs? do you talk too much about serious subjects he's not yet ready to talk about? maybe he doesn't even like you? has it all been your imagination? but then why has he told you so much about himself? is he sorry he did?" and a whole lot more.

yesterday afternoon i was so worn out by the sad news from the outside that i lay down on my divan for a nap. all i wanted was to sleep and not have to think. i slept until four, but then i had to go next door. it wasn't easy, answering all mother's questions and inventing an excuse to explain my nap to father. i pleaded a headache, which wasn't a lie, since i did have one. . . on the inside!

ordinary people, ordinary girls, teenagers like myself, would think i'm a little nuts with all my self-pity. but that's just it. i pour my heart out to you, and the rest of the time i'm as impudent, cheerful and self-confident as possible to avoid questions and keep from getting on my own nerves.

margot is very kind and would like me to confide in her, but i can't tell her everything. she takes me too seriously, far too seriously, and spends a lot of time thinking about her loony sister, looking at me closely whenever i open my mouth and wondering, "is she acting, or does she really mean it?"

it's because we're always together. i don't want the person i confide in to be around me all the time. when will i untangle my jumbled thoughts? when will i find inner peace again?

yours, anne