thursday, march 16, 1944

dearest kitty,

the weather is gorgeous, indescribably beautiful; i'll be going up to the attic in a moment.

i now know why i'm so much more restless than peter. he has his own room, where he can work, dream, think and sleep. i'm constantly being chased from one corner to another. i'm never alone in the room i share with dussel, though i long to be so much. that's another reason i take refuge in the attic. when i'm there, or with you, i can be myself, at least for a little while. still, i don't want to moan and groan. on the contrary, i want to be brave!

thank goodness the others notice nothing of my innermost feelings, except that every day i'm growing cooler and more contemptuous of mother, less affection- ate to father and less willing to share a single thought with margot; i'm closed up tighter than a drum. above all, i have to maintain my air of confidence. no one must know that my heart and mind are constantly at war with each other. up to now reason has always won the battle, but will my emotions get the upper hand? sometimes i fear they will, but more often i actually hope they do!

oh, it's so terribly hard not to talk to peter about these things, but i know i have to let him begin; it's so hard to act during the daytime as if everything i've said and done in my dreams had never taken place! kitty, anne is crazy, but then these are crazy times and even crazier circumstances.

the nicest part is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings; otherwise, i'd absolutely suffocate. i wonder what peter thinks about all these things? i keep thinking i'll be able to talk to him about them one day. he must have guessed something about the inner me, since he couldn't possibly love the outer anne he's known so far! how could someone like peter, who loves peace and quiet, possibly stand my bustle and noise? will he be the first and only person to see what's beneath my granite mask? will it take him long? isn't there some old saying about love being akin to pity? isn't that what's happening here as well? because i often pity him as much as i do myself!

i honestly don't know how to begin, i really don't, so how can i expect peter to when talking is so much harder for him? if only i could write to him, then at least he'd know what i was trying to say, since it's so hard to say it out loud!

yours, anne m. fran

k