她躲进去的那个房间只点着一支蜡烛，蜡烛放在桌子上。她斜靠在一张大沙发上，裙衣敞开着，一只手按在心口上，另一只手悬在沙发外面，桌子上有一只银脸盆，盛着半盆清水；
水里漂浮着一缕缕大理石花纹似的血丝。
玛格丽特脸色惨白，半张着嘴，竭力想喘过气来，她不时深深地吸气，然后长嘘一声，似乎这样可以轻松一些，可以舒畅几秒钟。
我走到她面前，她纹丝不动，我坐了下来，握住她搁在沙发上的那只手。
“啊！是您？”她微笑着对我说。
大概我脸上表情很紧张，因为她接着又问我，“难道您也生病了？”
“我没有病，可是您呢，您还觉得不舒服吗？”
“还有一点儿，”她用手绢擦掉了她咳出来的眼泪，说，“这种情况我现在已经惯了。”
“您这是在自杀，夫人，”我用一种激动的声音对她说，“我要做您的朋友，您的亲人，我要劝您不要这样糟蹋自己。”
“啊！您实在用不着这么大惊小怪，”她用带点儿辛酸的语调争辩说，“您看其他人是否还关心我，因为他们非常清楚这种病是无药可治的。”
她说完后就站起身，拿起蜡烛放在壁炉上，对着镜子照着。
“我的脸色有多么苍白啊！”她边说边把裙衣系好，用手指掠着散乱的头发，“啊！行了！我们回到桌子上去，来吧。”
但是我还是坐着不动。
她知道我这种情感是被这幕景象引起的，便走近我的身边，把手伸给我说：
“看您，来吧。”
我接住她的手，把它放在唇边吻着，两滴忍了好久的泪水不由自主地流了出来，润湿了她的手。
“嗳，多孩子气！”她一面说一面重新在我身边坐下，“啊，您在哭！您怎么啦？”
“您一定以为我有点痴，可我刚才看到的景象使我非常难过。”
“您心肠真好！您叫我怎么办好呢？我晚上睡不着，那就只得稍微消遣消遣；再说像我这样的姑娘，多一个少一个又有什么关系呢？医生对我说这是支气管出血，我装着相信他们的话，我对他们还能怎么样呢？”
“请听我说，玛格丽特，”我再也抑制不住自己的感情了，就说，“我不知道您对我的生命会产生什么样的影响，但是我所知道的是，眼下我最关心的就是您，我对您的关心超过了对任何人，甚至超过了对我妹妹的关心。这种心情自从见到您以来就有了。好吧，请看在上天的份上，好好保重自己的身体吧，别再像您现在这样地生活了吧！”
“如果我保重自己的身体，我反而会死去，现在支撑着我的，就是我现在过的这种充满狂热的生活。说到保重自己的身体，那只是指那些有家庭、有朋友的上流社会的太太小姐们说的，而我们这些人呢，一旦我们不能满足情人的虚荣心，不能供他们寻欢作乐，消愁解闷，他们就会把我们撇在一边，我们就只好度日如年地忍受苦难，这些事我知道得一清二楚，哼！我在床上躺了两个月，第三个星期之后就谁也不来看我了。”
“我对您来说确实算不了什么，”我接着说，“但是，如果您不嫌弃的话，我会像一个兄弟一样来照顾您，不离开您，我会治好您的病。等您身体复原之后，只要您喜欢，再恢复您现在这种生活也行；但是我可以肯定，您一定会喜欢过清静生活的，这会使您更加幸福，会使您永远这样美丽。”
“今儿晚上您这样想，那是因为您酒后伤感，但是，您自夸的那份耐心您是不会有的。”
“请听我对您说，玛格丽特，您曾经生了两个月的病，在这两个月里面，我每天都来打听您的病情。”
“这倒不假，但是为什么您不上楼来呢？”
“因为那时候我还没有认识您。”
“跟我这样一个姑娘还有什么不好意思的呢？”
“跟一个女人在一起总会有点儿不好意思，至少我是这样想的。”
“这么说，您真的会来照顾我吗？”
“是的。”
“您每天都留在我身边吗？”
“是的。”
“甚至每天晚上也一样吗？”
“任何时间都一样，只要您不讨厌我。”
“您把这叫做什么？”
“忠诚。”
“这种忠诚是从哪儿来的呢？”
“来自一种我对您无法克制的同情。”
“这样说来您爱上我了吗？您干脆就这样说，不是更简单吗？”
“这是可能的，但是，即使我有一天要对您说，那也不是在今天。”
“您最好还是永远也别对我讲的好。”
“为什么？”
“因为这样表白只能有两种结果。”
“哪两种？”
“或者是我拒绝您，那您就会怨恨我；或者是我接受您，那您就有了一个多愁善感的情妇；一个神经质的女人，一个有病的女人，一个忧郁的女人，一个快乐的时候比痛苦还要悲伤的女人，一个吐血的、一年要花费十万法郎的女人，对公爵这样一个有钱的老头儿来说是可以的，但是对您这样一个年轻人来说是很麻烦的。我以前所有的年轻的情夫都很快地离开了我，那就是证据。”
我什么也没有回答，我听着这种近乎忏悔的自白，依稀看到在她纸醉金迷的生活的外表下掩盖着痛苦的生活。可怜的姑娘在放荡、酗酒和失眠中逃避生活的现实。这一切使我感慨万端，我一句话也说不出来。
“不谈了吧，”玛格丽特继续说，“我们简直是在讲孩子话。把手递给我，一起回餐室去吧，别让他们知道我们在干什么。”
“您高兴去就去吧，但是我请您允许我留在这儿。”
“为什么？”
“因为您的快乐使我感到非常痛苦。”
“那么，我就愁眉苦脸好啦。”
“啊，玛格丽特，让我跟您讲一件事，这件事别人或许也经常对您说，您因为听惯了，也不会把它当回事。但这的确是我的心里话，我以后也永远不会再跟您讲第二遍了。”
“什么事？……”她微笑着对我说，年轻的母亲在听她们的孩子讲傻话时常带着这种微笑。
“自从我看到您以后，我也不知道是怎么回事，更不知道是为了什么，您在我的生命中就占了一个位置，我曾想忘掉您，但是办不到，您的形象始终留在我的脑海里。我已经有两年没有看到您了，但今天，当我遇到您的时候，您在我心坎里所占的位置反而更加重要了。最后，您今天接待了我，我认识了您，知道了您所有奇特的遭遇，您成了我生命中不可缺少的人，别说您不爱我，即使您不让我爱您，我也会发疯的。”
“但您有多么可怜啊，我要学d太太1说过的话来跟您讲了，‘那么您很有钱罗！’难道您不知道我每个月要花上六、七千法郎。这种花费已经成了我生活上的需要，难道您不知道，可怜的朋友，要不了多久，我就会使您破产的。您的家庭会停止供给您一切费用，以此来教训您不要跟我这样一个女人一起生活。像一个好朋友那样爱我吧，但是不能超过这个程度。您常常来看看我，我们一起谈谈笑笑，但是用不着过分看重我，因为我是分文不值的。您心肠真好，您需要爱情。但是要在我们这个圈子里生活，您还太年轻，也太容易动感情，您还是去找个有夫之妇做情妇吧。您看，我是个多好的姑娘，我跟您说话有多坦率。”
1指迪韦尔诺瓦太太。
“嘿嘿！你们在这里搞什么鬼啊？”普律当丝突然在门口叫道，她什么时候来的，我们一点也没听见。她头发蓬松，衣衫零乱，我看得出这是加斯东的手作的怪。
“我们在讲正经事，”玛格丽特说，“让我们再谈几句，我们一会儿就来。”
“好，好，你们谈吧，孩子们，”普律当丝说着就走了。一面关上了门，仿佛是为了加重她刚才说的几句话的语气似的。
“就这样说定了，”玛格丽特在只剩下我们两个人的时候接着说：“您就不要再爱我了。”
“我马上就走。”
“竟然到这种地步了吗？”
我真是骑虎难下，再说，这个姑娘已经使我失魂落魄了。这种既有快乐，又有悲伤，既有纯洁，又有淫欲的混合物，还有那使她精神亢奋，容易冲动的疾病，这一切都使我知道了如果一开始我就控制不了这个轻浮和健忘的女人，我就会失去她。
“那么，您说的是真话吗？”她说。
“完全是真的。”
“那您为什么不早对我说？”
“我什么时候有机会对您说这些话呢？”
“您在喜剧歌剧院被介绍给我的第二天就可以对我说嘛。”
“我以为如果我来看您的话，您大概不会欢迎我的。”
“为什么？”
“因为前一天晚上我有点傻里傻气。”
“这倒是真的，但是，您那个时候不是已经爱上我了吗？”
“是啊。”
“既然如此，您在散戏后倒还能回家去安心睡觉。这些伟大的爱情就是这么回事，这个我们一清二楚。”
“那么，您就错了，您知道那天晚上我在离开喜剧歌剧院以后干了些什么？”
“我不知道。”
“我先在英国咖啡馆门口等您，后来跟着您和您三位朋友乘坐的车子，到了您家门口。当我看到您一个人下了车，又一个人回家的时候，我心里很高兴。”
玛格丽特笑了。
“您笑什么？”
“没有什么。”
“告诉我，我求求您，不然我以为您还在取笑我。”
“您不会生气吗？”
“我有什么权利生气呢？”
“好吧，我一个人回家有一个很美妙的原因。”
“什么原因？”
“有人在这里等我。”
即使她给我一刀子也不会比这更使我痛苦，我站起来，向她伸过手去。
“再见，”我对她说。
“我早知道您一定会生气的，”她说，“男人们总是急不可耐地要知道会使他们心里难受的事情。”
“但是，我向您保证，”我冷冰冰地接着说，仿佛要证明我已经完全控制住了我的激情，“我向您保证我没有生气。有人等您那是十分自然的事，就像我凌晨三点钟要告辞一样，也是十分自然的事。”
“是不是也有人在家里等您呢？”
“没有，但是我非走不可。”
“那么，再见啦。”
“您打发我走吗？”
“没有的事。”
“为什么您要使我痛苦？”
“我使您痛苦什么啦？”
“您对我说那时候有人在等您。”
“当我想到您看见我单独一人回家就觉得那么高兴，而那时又有这么一个美妙的原因的时候，我就忍不住要笑出来啦。”
“我们经常会有一种孩子般的快乐，而要是只有让这种快乐保持下去，才能使得到这种快乐的人更加幸福的话，去摧毁这种快乐就太恶毒了。”
“可是您到底把我当什么人看呀？我既不是黄花闺女，又不是公爵夫人。我不过今天才认识您，我的行为跟您有什么相干，就算将来有一天我要成为您情妇的话，您也该知道，除了您我还有别的情人，如果您现在还没有成为我的情人就跟我吃起醋来了，那么将来，就算有这个‘将来’吧，又该怎么办呢？我从来没有看见过像您这样的男人。”
“这是因为从来也没有一个人像我这样爱过您。”
“好吧，您说心里话，您真的很爱我吗？”
“我想，我能爱到什么程度就爱到了什么程度。”
“而这一切是从……？”
“从我看见您从马车上下来走进絮斯商店那一天起开始的，那是三年以前的事了。”
“您讲得太美了，您知道吗？可我该怎样来报答这种伟大的爱情呢？”
“应该给我这么一点爱，”我说，心跳得几乎连话也讲不出来，因为尽管玛格丽特讲话的时候流露出一种含讥带讽的微笑，我还是觉得出来，她似乎也跟我一样有点心慌意乱了，我等待已久的时刻正在逐步逼近。
“那么公爵怎么办呢？”
“哪个公爵？”
“我的老醋罐子。”
“他什么也不会知道。”
“如果他知道了呢？”
“他会原谅您的。”
“啊，不会的！他就不要我了，那我怎么办呢？”
“您为别人不也在冒这种危险吗？”
“您怎么知道的？”
“您刚才不是吩咐今晚不要让人进来吗？这我就知道了。”
“这倒是真的，但这是一位规矩朋友。”
“既然您这么晚还把他挡在门外，说明您也并不怎么看重他。”
“这也用不着您来教训我呀，因为这是为了接待你们，您和您的朋友。”
我已经慢慢地挨近了玛格丽特，我轻轻地搂着她的腰，她轻盈柔软的身躯已经在我的怀抱里了。
“您知道我有多么爱您！”我轻轻地对她说。
“真的吗？”
“我向您发誓。”
“那么，如果您答应一切都照我的意思办，不说二话，不监视我，不盘问我，那么我可能会爱您的。”
“我全都听您的！”
“我有言在先，只要我喜欢，我要怎么着就怎么着，我不会把我的生活琐事告诉您的。很久以来我一直在找一个年轻听话的情人，他要对我多情而不多心，他接受我的爱但又并不要求权利。这样的人我还从来没有找到过。男人们总是这样的，一旦他们得到了他们原来难以得到的东西，时间一长，他们又会感到不满足了，他们进而要求了解他们情人的目前、过去、甚至将来的情况。在他们逐渐跟情人熟悉以后，就想控制她，情人越迁就，他们就越得寸进尺。倘使我现在打定主意要再找一个情人的话，我希望他具有三种罕见的品格：信任我，听我的话，而且不多嘴。”
“所有这些我都能做到。”
“我们以后再看吧！”
“什么时候呢？”
“再过些时候。”
“为什么？”
“因为，”玛格丽特从我怀抱里挣脱身子，在一大束早上送来的红色茶花中间摘了一朵，插在我衣服的纽孔里，说道，“因为条约总不会在签字的当天就执行的。”
这是不难理解的。
“那么我什么时候可以再见到您呢？”我一面说，一面把她紧紧地搂在怀里。
“当这朵茶花变颜色的时候。”
“那么什么时候它会变颜色呢？”
“明天晚上，半夜十一点到十二点之间，您满意了吧？”
“这您还用问吗？”
“这件事您对谁也不要说，不论是您的朋友、普律当丝，还是别的什么人。”
“我答应您。”
“现在，吻我一下，我们一起回餐室去吧。”
她的嘴唇向我凑了过来，随后她又重新整理了一下头发，在我们走出这个房间的时候，她唱着歌；我呢，几乎有些疯疯癫癫的了。
走进客厅时，她站住了，低声对我说：
“我这种似乎准备马上领您情的模样，您该觉得有些意外吧，您知道这是什么缘故吗？”
“这是因为，”她把我的手紧紧压在她的胸口上，我觉得她的心在剧烈地跳动，她接着对我说，“这是因为，明摆着我的寿命要比别人短，我要让自己活得更痛快些。”
“别再跟我讲这种话了，我恳求您。”
“喔！您放心吧，”她笑着继续说，“即使我活不多久，我活的时间也要比您爱我的时间长些。”
接着她就走进了餐室。
“纳尼娜到哪儿去了？”她看到只有加斯东和普律当丝两个人就问道。
“她在您房间里打盹，等着侍候您上床呢。”普律当丝回答说。
“她真可怜！我把她累死了！好啦，先生们，请便吧，是时候了。”
十分钟以后，加斯东和我两人告辞出来，玛格丽特和我握手道别，普律当丝还留在那里。
“喂，”走出屋子以后，加斯东问我，“您看玛格丽特怎么样？”
“她是一个天仙，我真给她迷住了。”
“我早料到了，这话您跟她说了吗？”
“说了。”
“那么她说过她相信您的话吗？”
“没有说。”
“普律当丝可不一样。”
“普律当丝答应您了吗？”
“不仅是答应，我亲爱的！您简直不会相信，她还有趣得很哪，这个胖迪韦尔诺瓦！”
the room in which she had taken refuge was lit by a single candle on a table. lying back on a large couch, her dress undone, she held one hand on her heart and allowed the other to hang limply. on the table was a silver basin half full of water. the water was mottled with flecks of blood.
marguerite, extremely pale and with her mouth half open, was trying to catch her breath. at times, her chest swelled in a long, indrawn sigh which, when released, seemed to afford her some slight relief and left her for a few seconds with a feeling of well- being.
i went to her? she did not stir ?sat down and took the hand which was resting on the couch.
'ah! is it you?' she said with a smile.
my face must have looked distraught, for she added:
'aren't you very well either?'
'i'm all right, but how about you? are you still feeling ill?'
'not very.' and, with a handkerchief, she wiped away the tears which the coughing had brought to her eyes. 'i'm used to it now.'
'you are killing yourself, ' i said, and there was emotion in my voice. 'i wish i could be your friend, a relative, so that i could stop you harming yourself like this.'
'ah! there's absolutely no need for you to be alarmed, ' she replied bitterly. 'you can see how well the others look after me. the truth is they know there's nothing anybody can do about what i've got.'
thereupon, she got to her feet and, taking the candle, set it on the mantelpiece and looked at herself in the mirror.
'how pale i look!' she said, refastening her dress and running her fingers through her dishevelled hair. 'oh, who cares! let's go back into supper. are you coming?'
but i remained seated and did not move.
she realized just how shaken i had been by this scene, for she came up to me and, holding out her hand, she said:
'don't be silly. do come.'
i took her hand which i put to my lips, and despite myself i moistened it with a few pent-up tears.
'well, now! you really are a child!' she said, as she sat down again beside me. 'there, you're crying! what's the matter?'
'i must seem very stupid to you, but what i've just seen has made me feel quite dreadful.'
'you are really very kind! but what do you expect? i can't sleep, i've got to take my mind off things for a while. and anyhow, with girls like me, if there's one more or fewer of us, what difference does it make? the doctors tell me the blood i cough is really only bronchial; i pretend i believe them, it's all i can do for them.'
'listen, marguerite, ' i said then, with an effusion which i was unable to check, 'i don't know what sort of influence you might have over my life, but i do know this: at this moment, there is no one, not even my sister, about whom i feel more concerned than you. it's been like that ever since i first saw you. so, in heaven's name, look after yourself properly, don't go on living as you do.'
'if i looked after myself properly, i'd die. what keeps me going is the pace of the life i lead. in any case, taking care of yourself is all well and good for society ladies who have a family and friends. but women like me are abandoned the moment we're no more use for feeding the vanity or pleasure of our lovers, and then long, empty evenings follow long empty days. i know, believe me. i was in bed for two months; after the first three weeks, no one came to see me any more.'
'i realize that i mean nothing to you, ' i went on, 'but if you wanted, i'd care for you like a brother, i wouldn't leave you and i'd make you better. and then, when you were strong enough, you could go back to the life you lead now, if that's what you wanted; but of this i am sure? you would come to prefer a quiet life which would make you happier and keep you pretty.'
'you may think like that this evening, because the wine has made you sentimental, but you wouldn't have as much patience as you say you have.'
'let me remind you, marguerite, that you were ill for two months and during those two months, i called every day to find out how you were.'
'that's true. but why did you never come up?'
'because i didn't know you then.'
'but whoever observes such niceties with girls like me?'
'one always observes the niceties with any woman; at least, that's what i believe.'
'so you'd look after me?'
'yes.'
'you'd stay by me every day?'
'yes.'
'and even every night?'
'for as long as you weren't tired of me.'
'what would you say that was?'
'devotion.'
'and where does this devotion come from?'
'from an irresistible attraction that draws me to you.'
'in other words you're in love with me? just say it straight out, it's a great deal simpler.'
'i may be: but if i ever tell you some day that i do, this is not that day.'
'it would be better for you if you never said it.'
'why?'
'because there are only two things that can come from such an admission.'
'and they are?'
'either i turn you down, in which case you will resent me, or i say yes, in which case you won't have much of a mistress; someone who is temperamental, ill, depressed, or gay in a way that is sadder than sorrow itself, someone who coughs blood and spends a hundred thousand francs a year ?which is all very well for a rich old man like the duke, but it's not much of a prospect for a young man like yourself. and, if it's proof you want, the fact is that all the young lovers i have ever had have never stayed around for very long.'
i did not answer: i listened. her frankness, which seemed to verge on the confessional, and the dismal life which i half-glimpsed beneath the golden veil that covered its stark reality from which the poor girl sought escape in debauchery, drunkenness and sleepless nights, all made such an impression on me that i could not find a thing to say.
'but come, ' marguerite continued, 'we're talking foolish nonsense. give me your hand and let's go back to the diningroom. the others must be wondering what to make of our absence.'
'go back, if that's what you want, but please let me stay here.'
'why?'
'because i can't bear to see you so bright and cheerful.'
'in that case, i'll be sad.'
'listen, marguerite, let me tell you something which other men have no doubt told you often, something which the habit of hearing will perhaps prevent you from believing, though it is nonetheless real, something which i shall never say to you again.'
'and this something?' she said, with a smile such as young mothers smile when listening to their child being silly.
' ...is this. from the moment i first saw you, i don't know how or why, you have occupied a place in my life. though i've tried to drive your image out of my mind, it has always come back. today, when i met you after two years without seeing you, you took an even stronger hold on my heart and my thoughts. now you have received me here, now i know you and can see everything that is strange in you, the truth is that you've become indispensable to me, and i shall go out of my mind, not simply if you do not love me, but if you do not let me love you.'
'but, you wretched man, i shall say to you what madame d used to say: you just be very rich, then! you clearly have no idea that i spend six or seven thousands francs a month, and that spending this much has become necessary for my way of life; can't you see, you poor fool, that i'd ruin you in no time at all? that you family would have you declared unfit to manage your affairs to teach you not to live with creatures like me? love me, like a good friend, but not otherwise. come and see me, we'll laugh, we'll talk, but don't go getting ideas about my merits: they are very small. you have a kind heart, you need to be loved, you are too young and too sensitive to live in our world. find yourself some married woman. you can see i'm a decent sort of girl, and i'm being frank with you.'
'hello! what on earth are you pair up to? 'cried prudence, whom we had not heard coming, as she appeared at the bedroom door, her hair half undone and her dress open. in her disordered appearance, i recognized gaston's handiwork.
'we're having a serious talk, ' said marguerite, ' leave us for a while, we'll rejoin you shortly.'
'all right, all right, talk away, my children, 'said prudence, and she left, closing the door as if to reinforce the tone in which she had spoken these last words.
'so it's agreed, 'marguerite went on, when we were alone, ' you will stop loving me.'
'i shall go away.'
'it's as bad as that?'
i had gone too far to turn back, and besides, this girl overwhelmed me. her mixture of high spirits, sadness, ingenuousness and prostitution, the very illness which as surely heightened her sensitivity to impressions as it did her nervous reactions ?everything made me see that if, from the outset, i did not gain some hold over her heedless, fickle nature, then she would be lost to me forever.
'so what you are saying is quite serious? ' she said.
'very serious.'
'but why didn't you tell me all this before?'
'when could i have told you?'
'the day after you were introduced to me at the opera-comique.'
'i think you'd have received me very badly if i had come to see you.'
'why?'
'because i had behaved stupidly the previous evening.'
'yes, that's true. but all the same, you were already in love with me then.'
'yes.'
'none of which prevented you from going home to bed and sleeping very soundly after the play. we all know about great loves of that sort.'
'now that's where you're wrong. do you know what i did that evening we met at the opera-comique?'
'no. '
'i waited for you outside the entrance to the cafe anglais. i followed the carriage which brought you and your friends back here and, when i saw you get out by yourself and go up to your apartment alone, i was very happy.'
marguerite began to laugh.
'what are you laughing at?'
'nothing.'
'tell me, i beg you, or i shall think that you're laughing at me again.'
'you won't be cross?'
'i have no right to be cross.'
'well, there was a good reason why i should return alone.'
'what was that?'
'there was someone waiting for me here.'
had she stabbed me with a knife, she could not have hurt me more. i stood up and, offering my hand, said:
'goodbye.'
'i knew you'd be cross, ' she said. 'men have a mania for wanting to know things that will upset them.'
'but i assure you, ' i added coldly, as though i had wanted to show that i was cured of my passion for ever, ' i assure you that i am not cross. it was only natural that someone should have been waiting for you, as natural as it is that i should leave here at three in the morning.'
'have you got someone waiting for you at home too?'
'no, but i must go.'
'goodbye, then.'
'you are sending me away.'
'not at all.'
'then why do you say hurtful things?'
'what hurtful things?'
'you told me someone was waiting for you.'
'i couldn't help laughing at the thought of your being so happy to see me coming in by myself, when there was such a good reason for me to do so.'
'people often find happiness in foolish things. it is unkind to destroy their happiness when, simply by allowing it to continue, we can increase the joy of those who have discovered such happiness.'
'but what do you think i am? i am neither a virgin nor a duchess. i'd never met you before today and i don't have to justify my actions to you. assuming that one day i become your mistress, you must realize that i've had other lovers before you. if you're going to carry on and be jealous now, what's it going to be like after? if there's ever an after! i never met a man like you.'
'that's because no man has ever loved you as i do.'
'let's be clear about this: are you really in love with me?'
'as much as anyone could possibly love anybody, i believe.'
'and how long has this been going on?'
'since i saw you one day get out of your barouche and go into susse's, three years ago.'
'how wonderful, it really is! and what do i have to do to acknowledge this great love?'
'you must love me a little, ' i said, with a beating heart which almost prevented me from speaking; for, despite the half-mocking smiles with which she had accompanied the whole of our conversation, it seemed to me that marguerite was beginning to share my troubled state and that i was approaching the moment which i had been so long awaiting.
'but what about the duke?'
'what duke?'
'my old duke. he's very suspicious.'
'he won't know.'
'and if he does?'
'he'll forgive you.'
'oh no! he'll leave me and then what'll become of me?'
'you are already running that risk for someone else's sake.'
'how do you know that?'
'from the order you gave that no one should be allowed in tonight.'
'you're right; but he is a good friend.'
'who you don't much care for, if you can close you door to him at this time of night.'
'you're in no position to criticize me since i did it to receive you and your friend.'
imperceptibly, i had drawn closer to marguerite, i had put my arms around her waist and could feel her supple body pressing lightly against my clasped hands.
'if you only knew how much i love you!' i whispered.
'do you really mean it?'
'i swear it.'
'well, if you promise to do everything i say without arguing, without finding fault or asking questions, i will love you, perhaps.'
'whatever you ask!'
'but i warn you, i want to be free to do whatever i choose, without having to tell you anything about the life i lead. for a long time now, i've been looking for a young, easygoing lover, someone who would love me without asking questions, someone i could love without his feeling that he has any rights over me. i have never found one yet. men, instead of being content with being freely given for long periods what they hardly dared hope to get once, are forever asking their mistresses for an account of the present, the past and even the future. as they get used to a mistress, they try to dominate her, and they become all the more demanding the more they are given. if i decide to take a new lover now, i want him to have three very rare qualities: he must be trusting, submissive and discreet.'
'very well, i shall be everything you desire.'
'we'll see. '
'and when will we see?'
'later.'
'why?'
'because, ' said marguerite, slipping out of my arms and taking a single bloom from a large bunch of red camellias which had been delivered that morning and putting it in my buttonhole, 'because you can't always implement treaties the day they are signed.'
the meaning is plain.
'and when shall i see you again?' i said, taking her in my arms.
'when this camellia is a different colour.'
'and when will it be a different colour.'
'tomorrow, between eleven and midnight. are you happy?'
'how can you ask?'
'not a word of any of this to your friend nor to prudence, nor anyone.'
'i promise. '
'now kiss me, and let's go back to the dining-room.'
she proffered her lips, smoothed her hair again and then she, singing as she went, and i, who was madly elated, left the room together.
in the drawing-room, she stopped and said softly:
'it must seem strange to you that i should appear ready to accept you straightway like this: do you know the reason?'
'the reason, ' she went on, taking my hand and pressing it to her heart which i could fell beating violently and insistently, 'the reason is that since i shall not live as long as the others, i have promised myself that i shall live my life faster.'
'don't talk to me like this, i implore you.'
'oh, cheer up! 'she went on, laughing. 'however little time i have to live, i'll live long enough to see you love out.'
and, singing, she went into the dining-room.
'where's nanine? ' she said, seeing gaston and prudence alone.
'asleep in your bedroom, waiting for you to go to bed, ' answered prudence.
'poor girl, i'm wearing her out! come, gentlemen, be off with you, it's high time.'
ten minutes later, gaston and i were on our way out. marguerite squeezed my hand as she said good- bye and remained with prudence.
'well?' asked gaston, when we were outside, 'what do you make of marguerite?'
'she's an angel and i'm mad about her.'
'i thought so. did you tell her?'
'yes.'
'and did she promise to believe you?'
'no.'
'she's not like prudence, then.'
'did she promise to believe you?'
'she did more than that, old man! you wouldn't think so, but that duvernoy woman is still a bit of all right, even if she is on the large side!'
