“您来得几乎跟我们一样快！”普律当丝对我说。
“是的，”我不假思索地回答说，“玛格丽特在哪儿？”
“在家里。”
“一个人吗？”
“跟g伯爵在一起。”
我跨着大步在客厅里来回走着。
“嗳，您怎么啦？”
“您以为我在这儿等着g伯爵从玛格丽特家里出来很有趣吗？”
“您太不通情理了。要知道玛格丽特是不能请伯爵吃闭门羹的。g伯爵跟她来往已经很久，他一直给她很多钱，现在还在给她。玛格丽特一年要花十多万法郎，她欠了很多债。只要她开口，公爵总能满足她的要求，但是她不敢要公爵负担全部开销。伯爵每年至少给她万把法郎，她不能和他闹翻。玛格丽特非常爱您，亲爱的朋友，但是您跟她的关系，为了你们各自的利益，您不应该看得过于认真的。您那七八千法郎的津贴费是不够这个姑娘挥霍的，连维修她的马车也不够。您要恰如其分地把玛格丽特当作一个聪明美丽的好姑娘对待；做她一两个月的情人，送点鲜花、糖果和包厢票给她，其他的事您就不必操心啦！别再跟她闹什么争风吃醋的可笑把戏了。您很清楚您是在跟谁打交道，玛格丽特又不是什么贞洁女人，她很喜欢您，您也很喜欢她，其他的您就不用管了。我认为您这样容易动感情是很可爱的！您有巴黎最讨人喜欢的女人做情妇！她满身戴着钻石，在富丽堂皇的住宅里接待您，只要您愿意，她又不要您花一个子儿，而您还要不高兴。真见鬼！您的要求也太过分了。”
“您说得对，但是我没法控制自己，一想到这个人是她的情人，我心里就别扭。”
“不过，”普律当丝接着说，“先得看看他现在还是不是她的情人？只是用得着他罢了，仅此而已。
“两天以来，玛格丽特没有让他进门，今天早上他来，她没有办法，只能接受了他的包厢票，让他陪着去看戏，接着又送她回家，到她家里去坐一会。既然您在这儿等着，他不会久留的。依我看，这一切都是很平常的事。再说，您对公爵不是也容忍下来了吗？”
“是的，可是公爵是个老头儿呀，我拿得准玛格丽特不是他的情妇。再说，人们一般也只能容忍一个这样的关系，哪里还能容忍两个呢。行这种方便真像是一个圈套，同意这样做的男人，即便是为了爱情也罢，活像下层社会里用这种默许的方法去赚钱的人一样。”
“啊！我亲爱的，您太老脑筋了！我见过多少人而且还都是些最高贵，最英俊，最富有的人，他们都在做我劝您做的这种事。何况干这种事又不费什么力气，用不到害臊，大可问心无愧！这样的事司空见惯。而且作为巴黎的妓女，她们不同时有那么三四个情人的话，您要她们怎样来维持那样的排场呢？不可能有谁有一笔那么巨大的家产来独力承担像玛格丽特那样一个姑娘的花费的。每年有五十万法郎的收入，在法国也可算是一个大财主了。可是，我亲爱的朋友，有了五十万法郎的年金还是应付不了，这是因为：一个有这样一笔进款的男人，总有一座豪华的住宅，还有一些马匹、仆役、车辆，还要打打猎，还要应酬交际。一般说一个这样的人总是结过婚的，他有孩子，要跑马，要赌钱，要旅行，谁知道他还要干些什么！这些生活习惯已经根深蒂固，一旦改变，别人就要以为他破产了，就会有流言蜚语。这样算下来，这个人即使每年有五十万法郎的收入，他一年里面花在一个女人身上的钱决不能超过四万到五万法郎，这已经是相当多的了。那么，这个女人就需要别的情人来弥补她开支的不足，玛格丽特已经算是不错的了，像天上掉下了奇迹似的遇上了一个有万贯家财的老头儿，他的妻子和女儿又都死掉了，他的那些侄子外甥自己也很有钱。因此玛格丽特可以有求必应，不必付什么代价，但即便他是这么一个大富翁，每年也至多给她七万法郎，而且我可以断定，假如玛格丽特再要求得多一些，尽管他家大业大，并且也疼爱她，他也会拒绝的。”
“在巴黎，那些一年只有两三万法郎收入的年轻人，也就是说，那些勉强能够维持他们自己那个圈子里的生活的年轻人，如果他们有一个像玛格丽特那样的女人做情妇的话，他们心里很明白，他们给她的钱还不够付她的房租和仆役的工资。他们不会对她说他们知道这些情况，他们视而不见，装聋作哑，当他们玩够了，就一走了之。如果他们爱好虚荣，想负担一切开销，那就会像个傻瓜似的落得个身败名裂，在巴黎欠下十万法郎的债，最后跑到非洲去送掉性命完事。您以为那些女人就会因此而感激他们吗？根本不会；相反，她们会说她们为了他们而牺牲了自己的利益，会说在他们相好的时候，倒贴了他们钱财。啊！您觉得这些事很可耻，是吗？这些都是事实。您是一个可爱的青年，我从心底里喜欢您，我在妓女圈子里已经混了二十个年头了，我知道她们是些什么人，也知道应该怎样来看待她们，因此，我不愿意看到您把一个漂亮姑娘的逢场作戏当了真。
“再说，除此之外，”普律当丝继续说，“如果公爵发现了你们的私情，要她在您和他之间选择，而玛格丽特因为爱您而放弃了伯爵和公爵，那么她为您作出的牺牲就太大了，这是无可争辩的事实，您能为她作出同样的牺牲吗？您？当您感到厌烦了，当您不再需要她的时候，您怎样来赔偿她为您蒙受的损失呢？什么也没有！您可能会把她和她那个天地隔绝开来，那个天地里有她的财产和她的前途，她也可能把她最美好的岁月给了您，而您却会把她忘得一干二净。倘若您是一个普通的男人，那么您就会揭她过去的伤疤，对她说您也只不过像她过去的情人那样离开了她，使她陷入悲惨的境地；或者您是一个有良心的人，觉得有责任把她留在身边，那么您就要为自己招来不可避免的不幸。因为，这种关系对一个年轻人来说是可以原谅的，但对一个成年人来说就不一样了。这种男人们的第二次、也是最后一次的爱情，成了您一切事业的累赘，它不容于家庭，也使您丧失雄心壮志。所以，相信我的话吧，我的朋友，您要实事求是些，是什么样的女人就当什么样的女人来对待，无论在哪一方面，也不要让自己去欠一个妓女的情分。”
普律当丝说得合情合理，很有逻辑，这是出乎我意料之外的。我无言以对，只是觉得她说得对，我握住她的手，感谢她给我的忠告。
“算了，算了，”她对我说，“丢开这些讨厌的大道理，开开心心做人吧，生活是美好的，亲爱的，就看您对人生抱什么态度。喂，去问问您的朋友加斯东吧，我对爱情有这样的看法，也是受了他的影响；您应该明白这些道理，不然您就要成为一个不知趣的孩子了。因为隔壁还有一个美丽的姑娘正在不耐烦地等她家里的客人离开，她在想您，今天晚上她要和您一起过，她爱您，我对此有充分把握。现在，您跟我一起到窗口去吧，等着瞧伯爵离开，他很快就会让位给我们的。”
普律当丝打开一扇窗子，我们肩并肩地倚在阳台上。
我望着路上稀少的行人，脑子里却杂念丛生。
听了她刚才对我讲的一番话，我心乱如麻，但是我又不能不承认她说得有道理，然而我对玛格丽特的一片真情，很难和她讲的这些道理联系得上，因此我不时地唉声叹气，普律当丝听见了，就回过头来向我望望，耸耸肩膀，活像一个对病人失去信心的医生。
“由于感觉的迅速，”我心里想，“因此我们就感到人生是那么短促！我认识玛格丽特只不过两天，昨天开始她才成了我的情妇，但她已经深深地印在我的思想、我的心灵和我的生命里，以致这位g伯爵的来访使我痛苦万分。”
伯爵终于出来了，坐上车子走了。普律当丝关上窗子。
就在这个时候玛格丽特叫我们了。
“快来，刀叉已经摆好，”她说，“我们就要吃夜宵了。”
当我走进玛格丽特家里的时候，她忙向我跑来，搂住我的脖子，使劲地吻我。
“我们还老是要闹别扭吗？”她对我说。
“不，以后不闹了，”普律当丝回答说，“我跟他讲了一通道理，他答应要听话了。”
“那太好了。”
我的眼睛不由自主地向床上望去，床上没有凌乱的迹象；
至于玛格丽特，她已经换上了白色的睡衣。
大家围着桌子坐了下来。
娇媚、温柔、多情，玛格丽特什么也不缺，我不得不时时提醒自己，我没有权利再向她要求什么了。任何人处在我的地位一定会感到无限幸福，我像维吉尔笔下的牧羊人一样，坐享着一位天神、更可以说是一位女神赐给我的欢乐。
我尽力照普律当丝的劝告去办，强使自己跟那两个女伴一样快乐；她们的感情是自然的，我却是硬逼出来的。我那神经质的欢笑几乎像哭一样，她们却信以为真。
吃完夜宵以后，只剩下我跟玛格丽特两个人了，她像往常一样，过来坐在炉火前的地毯上，愁容满面地望着炉子里的火焰。
她在沉思！想些什么？我不得而知，我怀着恋情，几乎还带着恐惧地望着她，因为我想到了自己准备为她忍受的痛苦。
“你知道我在想什么？”
“不知道。”
“我在想办法，我已经想出来了。”
“什么办法？”
“现在我还不能告诉你，但是我可以把这件事的结果告诉你。那就是一个月以后我就可以自由了，我将什么也不欠，我们可以一起到乡下避暑去了。”
“难道您就不能告诉我用的是什么办法吗？”
“不能，只要你能像我爱你一样地爱我，那一切定能成功。”
“那么这个办法是您一个人想出来的吗？”
“是的。”
“而且由您一个人去办吗？”
“由我一个人来承受烦恼，”玛格丽特微笑着对我说，这种微笑是我永远也忘不了的，“但是由我们来共同分享好处。”
听到“好处”这两个字我不禁脸红了，我想起了玛侬·莱斯科和德·格里欧两人一起把b先生当作冤大头1的事。
1《玛侬·莱斯科》这本小说里的一个情节。玛侬瞒着她的情人，和b先生来往，诈骗b先生的钱财。
我站起身来，用稍嫌生硬的语气回答说：
“亲爱的玛格丽特，请允许我只分享我自己想出的办法的好处，而且是由我自己参加的事情中所得到的好处。”
“这是什么意思？”
“这意思是，我非常怀疑g伯爵在这个美妙的办法里面是不是您的合伙人，对于这个办法我既不负担责任，也不享受它的好处。”
“您真是个孩子，我还以为您是爱我的哩，我想错了，那么好吧。”
说到这里，她站了起来，打开钢琴开始弹那首《邀舞曲》，一直弹到她总是弹不下去的那段为止。
不知道她是习惯于弹这支乐曲呢、还是为了要我回想起我们相识那天的情景，我所记得的，就是一听到这个曲调以后，往事就浮现在我的脑海之中，于是，我向她走过去，用双手捧住她的头吻了吻。
“您原谅我吗？”我对她说。
“您瞧，”她对我说，“我们相识才两天，而我已经有些事情要原谅您了，您说过要盲目服从我，但您说话不算数。”
“您叫我怎么办呢，玛格丽特，我太爱您了，我对您任何一点想法都要猜疑，您刚才向我提到的事使我快乐得心花怒放，但是实行这个计划的神秘性却使我感到难受。”
“看您，冷静一点吧，”她握着我两只手说，同时带着一种使我无法抗拒的媚人的微笑凝视着我，“您爱我，是吗？那么如果就您和我两个人在乡下过三四个月，您会感到高兴的吧。我也一样，能够过几天只有我们两个人的那种清静生活，我将觉得很幸福。我不但觉得幸福，而且这种生活对我的健康也有好处。要离开巴黎这么长时间，总得先把我的事情安排一下，像我这样一个女人，杂事总是很多的。好吧，我总算有了法子来安排一切，安排我的那些杂事和我对您的爱情，是的，对您的爱情，请别笑，我爱您爱得发疯呢！而您现在却神气得很，说起大话来啦。真是孩子气，十足的孩子气，您只要记住我爱您，其他您什么也不要管。同意吗？嗯？”
“您想做的我都同意，这您是很清楚的。”
“那么，一个月以内，我们就可以到某个乡村去，在河边散步，喝鲜奶。我，玛格丽特·戈蒂埃说这样的话，您可能会感到奇怪吧，我的朋友。这种看来似乎使我十分幸福的巴黎生活，一旦不能激起我的热情，就会使我感到厌烦，因此我突然向往起能使我想起童年时代的那种安静生活。无论是谁都有他的童年时代。喔！您放心，我不会跟您说我是一个退役上校的女儿，或者说我是从圣德尼1培养出来的。我是一个乡下的穷姑娘，六年前我连自己的名字也不会写。这样您就放心了，是吗？那么为什么我有生以来第一次对您说要跟您分享我所得到的快乐。因为我看出您是为了我，而不是为了您自己才爱我的。而别人，从来就是为了他们自己而爱我。
1圣德尼：巴黎北部的一个小城市，那里有荣誉勋位团的女子学校。
“我过去经常到乡下去，但我从来没有像这一次这样一心想去；对这一次唾手可得的幸福我就指望着您了，别跟我闹别扭，让我得到这个幸福吧！您可以这样想：她活不长了，她第一次要求我做一件轻而易举的事我就不答应她，我以后会不会后悔呢？”
对这些话我还有什么话好说呢？尤其是我还在回味着第一夜的恩爱，盼望着第二夜到来的时候。
一个小时以后，玛格丽特已经躺在我的怀抱里，那时她即使要我去犯罪我也会听从的。
早晨六点钟我要走了，在走之前我问她说：
“今晚见吗？”
她热烈地吻我，但是没有回答我的话。
白天，我收到一封信，上面写着这样几句话：
亲爱的孩子：
我有点不舒服，医生嘱咐我休息，今晚我要早
些睡，我们就不见面了。但是为了给您补偿，明天中午我等您。我爱您。
我第一个念头就是：她在骗我！
我额头上沁出一阵冷汗，我已经深深地爱上了这个女人，因此这个猜疑使我心烦意乱。
然而，我应该预料到，跟玛格丽特在一起，这种事几乎每天都可能发生。这种事过去我和别的情妇之间也经常出现，但是我都没有把它放在心上。那么这个女人对我的生命为什么有这样大的支配力呢？
这时候我想，既然我有她家里的钥匙，我何不就像平时一样去看她。这样我会很快知道真相，如果我碰到一个男人的话，我就打他的耳光。
这时，我到了香榭丽舍大街，在那里溜达了足足有四个小时，她没有出现。晚上，凡是她经常去的几家剧院我都去了，哪一家也没有她的影子。
十一点钟，我来到了昂坦街。
玛格丽特家的窗户里没有灯光，我还是拉了门铃。
看门人问我找哪一家。
“找戈蒂埃小姐家。”我对他说。
“她还没有回来。”
“我到上面去等她。”
“她家里一个人也没有。”
当然，既然我有钥匙，我可以不理睬这个不让我进去的禁令，但是我怕闹出笑话来，于是我就走了。
不过，我没有回家，我离不开这条街，我的眼睛一直盯着玛格丽特的房间。我似乎还想打听些什么消息，或者至少要使自己的猜疑得到证实。
将近午夜，一辆我非常熟悉的马车在九号门前停了下来。
g伯爵下了车，把车子打发走了以后，就进了屋子。
那时候，我巴望别人像对我一样地告诉他说玛格丽特不在家，巴望看见他退出来；但是一直等到早晨四点钟，我还在等着。
三个星期以来，我受尽痛苦，但是，和那一晚的痛苦比起来，那简直算不了一回事。
'you got here almost as quickly as we did, ' said prudence.
'yes, ' i replied mechanically. 'where's marguerite?'
'in her apartment.'
'by herself?'
'with monsieur de g.'
i strode up and down in her drawing-room.
'whatever's the matter with you?'
'do you imagine i think it's funny waiting around like this for monsieur de g to come out of marguerite's?'
'you're being unreasonable too. you must understand that marguerite can't show the count the door. monsieur de g has been with her a long time now; he's always given her a lot of money. he still does. marguerite spends more than a hundred thousand francs a year; she has huge debts. the duke sends her whatever she asks him for, but she doesn't always dare ask for everything she needs. she can't afford to fall out with the count who gives her around ten thousand francs a year at least. marguerite really loves you, my dear, but your affair with her mustn't get serious both for her sake and yours. your allowance of seven or eight thousand francs wouldn't be anything like enough to pay for her extravagance; it won't even run to the upkeep of her carriage. just take marguerite for what she is ?a good- hearted, lively, pretty girl. be her lover for a month, two months. give her flowers, buy her sweets, pay for boxes at the theatre. but don't go getting any other ideas, and don't go in for silly jealous scenes. you know what sort of girl you're dealing with: marguerite's no saint. she likes you, you love her, leave it at that. i think you're foolish to get so touchy! you have the sweetest mistress in the whole of paris! she receives you in a magnificent apartment, she's covered in diamonds, she needn't cost you a penny unless you decide otherwise, and you're still not satisfied. hang it all, you expect too much!'
'you're quite right, but i can't help it. the thought that this man is her lover is agony.'
'to begin with, ' prudence went on, 'is he still her lover? he's just a man that she needs, that's all.
for two days now, she's closed her door to him. he came this morning. she had no alternative: she had to accept the tickets for the box and say he could escort her. he brought her home, he came up for a moment, but won't stay, or otherwise you wouldn't be waiting here. all very natural, as i see it. anyhow, you don't mind the duke?'
'no, but he's an old man, and i'm sure marguerite isn't his mistress. in any case, a man can often put up with one affair, but not two. even so, the ease with which he tolerates such an arrangement can look suspiciously calculating. it brings anyone who submits to it, even if he does so out of love, very close to people just one step beneath who make a business out of submitting and a profit out of their business.'
'ah, dear man! how behind the times you are! how many times have i seen the noblest, the most fashionable, the wealthiest men do what i now advise, and they have done it without fuss or shame or remorse! it happens every day of the week. how do you imagine all the kept women in paris could carry on living the kind of lives they lead if they didn't have three of four lovers at the same time? there isn't a man around, however much money he had, who'd be rich enough to cover the expenses of a woman like marguerite by himself. a private income of five hundred thousand francs is a colossal fortune in france; well, dear man, a private income of five hundred thousand francs wouldn't do it, and here's why. a man who has an income like that has an established household, horses, servants, carriages, hunting estates, friends; often he is married, he has children, he keeps a racing stable, he gambles, travels and a lot more besides. all these habits are so firmly rooted that he cannot drop them without appearing to be ruined and becoming the talk of the town. all in all, with five hundred thousand francs a year, he can't give a woman more than forty or fifty thousand in any twelve months, and even that's a great deal. so other lovers must make up the woman's annual expenditure. with marguerite, it works out even more conveniently. by a miracle of heaven, she's got in with a rich old man worth ten millions whose wife and daughter are both dead and whose surviving relatives are nephews with a lot of money of their own. he gives her everything she wants without asking anything in exchange. but she can't ask him for more than seventy thousand francs a year, and i'm sure that if she did, then in spite of all his money and his affection for her, he would say no.
'all those young men in paris with incomes of twenty or thirty thousand francs, that is with barely enough to get by in the circles they move in, are all quite aware, when they are the lovers of a woman like marguerite, that their mistress couldn't even pay the rent or her servants on what they give her. they don't ever say that they know. they just appear not to see anything and, when they've had enough, they move on. if they are vain enough to want to provide for everything, they ruin themselves like idiots, and go off to get themselves killed in africa, leaving a hundred thousand francs' worth of debts in paris. and do you imagine that the woman is grateful? not a bit of it. the very opposite. she'll say that she sacrificed her position for them, and that as long as she was with them she was losing money. ah! all these dealings strike you as shameful, don't they? but it's all true. you are a nice boy and i couldn't be fonder of you. i've lived among women like these for twenty years, and i know what they're like and what sort of stuff they're made of. i wouldn't want to see you taking to heart a caprice which some pretty girl has for you.
'anyway, on top of all that, ' prudence continued, 'let's say margurite loves you enough to give up the count and even the duke, if the duke should find out about your affair and tell her to choose between you and him. if that happened, then the sacrifice which she'd be making for you would be enormous, no question about it. what sacrifice could you make to match hers? when you'd had enough of her and didn't want to have anything more to do with her, what would you do to compensate her for what you'd made her lose? nothing. you would have cut her off from the world in which her fortune and her future lay, she would have given you her best years, and she would be forgotten. then you'd either turn out to be the usual sort and throw her past in her face, telling her as you walked out that you were only behaving like all her other lovers, and you'd abandon her to certain poverty. or else you would behave correctly and, believing you had an obligation to keep her by you, you'd land yourself inevitably in trouble, for an affair such as this, forgiveable in a young man, is inexcusable in older men. it becomes an obstacle to everything. it stands in the way of family and ambition which are a man's second and last loves. so believe me, my friend, take things for what they are worth and women as they are, and never give a kept woman any right to say that you owe her anything whatsoever.'
all this was sensibly argued, and it had a logic of which i would not have thought prudence capable. i could think of nothing to say in reply, except that she was right; i gave her my hand and thanked her for her advice.
'come, come, ' she said, 'now just forget all this gloomy theorizing and laugh. life is delightful, my dear, it all depends on the prism you look at it through. listen, ask your friend gaston. now there's someone who strikes me as understanding love as i understand it. what you've got to realize ?and you'll be a dull lad if you don't ?is that not far from here there's a beautiful girl who is waiting impatiently to see the back of the man she's with, who is thinking about you, who is keeping tonight for you and who i'm sure loves you. now come and stand by the window with me, and we'll watch the count leave: it won't be long now before he leaves the field clear for us.'
prudence opened a window and we leaned on our elbows side by side on the balcony.
she watched the occasional passers-by. i stood musing.
everything she had said reverberated inside my head, and i could not help admitting that she was right. but the true love i felt for marguerite was not easily reconciled with her arguments. consequently, i heaved intermittent sighs which made prudence turn round and shrug her shoulders, like a doctor who has lost all hope of a patient.
'how clearly we see how brief life is, ' i said to myself, 'in the fleeting passage of our sensations! i have known marguerite for only two days, she has been my mistress since just yesterday, and yet she has so overrun my thoughts, my heart and my life that a visit from this count de g can make me wretched.'
finally, the count emerged, got into his carriage and drove off. prudence closed her window.
at the same instant, marguerite was already calling us.
'come quickly, the table is being set, ' she said, 'and we'll have supper.'
when i entered her apartment, marguerite ran towards me, threw her arms around my neck and kissed me with all her might.
'are we still grumpy, then?' she said to me.
'no, that's all finished with, ' answered prudence, 'i've been telling him a few home-truths, and he's promised to be good.'
'wonderful!'
despite myself, i cast a glance in the direction of the bed. it had not been disturbed: as for marguerite, she had already changed into a white dressing-gown.
we sat down at table.
charm, sweetness, high-spirits ?marguerite had everything, and from time to time i had to admit that i had no right to ask anything else of her, that many a man would be happy to be in my shoes and that, like virgil's shepherd, i had only to partake of the easy times which a god, or rather a goddess, held out to me.
i tried to put prudence's theories into practice and be as gay as my two companions. but what came naturally to them was an effort for me, and my excited laughter, which they misunderstood, was very close to tears.
at length, supper ended and i remained alone with marguerite. as was her habit, she went and sat on her rug in front of the fire and looked sadly into the flames in the hearth.
she was thinking! of what? i cannot say. but i looked at her with love and almost with dread at the thought of what i was prepared to suffer for her sake.
'do you know what i was thinking?'
'no.'
'about this scheme i've hit on.'
'and what is this scheme?'
'i can't tell you yet, but i can tell you what'll happen if it works. what would happen is that is a month from now i'd be free, i wouldn't have any more debts, and we'd go and spend the summer in the country together.'
'and can't you tell me how this is to be managed?'
'no. all it needs is for you to love me as i love you, and everything will come out right.'
'and did you hit on this scheme all by yourself?'
'yes.'
'and you will see it through alone?'
'i'll have all the worry myself, ' marguerite said with a smile which i shall never forget, 'but we will both share the profits.'
i recalled manon lescaut running through m. de b's money with des grieux.
i answered a little roughly as i got to my feet:
'you will be good enough, my dear marguerite, to allow me to share the profits of only those enterprises which i myself contrive and execute.'
'and what does that mean?'
'it means that i strongly suspect that count de g is your associate in this splendid scheme, of which i accept neither the costs nor the profits.'
'don't be childish. i thought you loved me, but i was wrong. as you wish.'
and, so saying, she got up, opened her piano and once more began playing the invitation to the waltz as for as the famous passage in the major key which always got the better of her.
was this done out of habit, or was it to remind me of the day we first met? all i know is that with this tune, the memories came flooding back and, drawing close to her, i took her head in my hands and kissed her.
'do you forgive me?' i said.
'can't you tell?' she answered. 'but note that this is just our second day, and already i've got something to forgive you for. you're not very good at keeping your promises of blind obedience.'
'i'm sorry, marguerite, i love you too much, and i just have to know everything you think. what you suggested just now should make me jump for joy, but your mysteriousness about what happens before the plan is carried out makes my heart sink.'
'oh come now, let's talk about this seriously for a moment, ' she went on, taking my two hands and looking at me with a bewitching smile which i was quite incapable of resisting. 'you love me, do you not, and you'd be happy to spend three or four months alone with me in the country? i too would be happy for us to be alone together, not just happy to go away with you but i need to for my health. i can't leave paris for so long without putting my affairs in order, and the affairs of a woman like me are invariably very tangled. well, i've found a way of bringing it all together ?my affairs and my love for you, yes, you, don't laugh, i'm mad enough to be in love with you! and then you get all hoity-toity and start coming out with fine words. silly boy! silly, silly boy! just remember that i love you and don't worry your head about a thing. well, is it agreed?'
'everything you want is agreed, as you know very well.'
'in that case, a month from now we'll be in some village or other, strolling by the river and drinking milk. it must sound odd to you hearing me, marguerite gautier, talk like this. the fact is, my dear, that when life in paris, which ostensibly makes me so happy, is not burning me out, it bores me. when that happens, i get sudden yearnings to lead a quieter life which would remind me of my childhood. everybody, whatever has become of them since, has had a childhood. oh! don't worry, i'm not about to tell you that i'm the daughter of a retired colonel and that i was raised at saint- denis. i'm just a poor girl from the country who couldn't even write her name six years ago. i expect you're relieved, aren't you! why is it that you should be the first man i've ever approached to share the joy of the desire which has come upon me? i suppose it's because i sensed that you loved me for my sake and not for yours, whereas the others never loved me except for themselves.
'i've been to the country many times, but never the way i should have liked. i'm counting on you to provide the simple happiness i want. don't be unkind: indulge me. tell yourself this: "she's not likely to live to be old, and some day i should be sorry i didn't do the very first thing she ever asked me, for it was such a simple thing."'
what answer could i give to such words, especially with the memory of a first night of love behind me and with the prospect of a second to come?
an hour later, i was holding marguerite in my arms, and if she had asked me to commit a crime for her, i would have obeyed.
i left her at six in the morning. before i went, i said:
'shall i see you this evening?'
she kissed me harder, but did not reply.
during the day, i received a letter containing these words:
'darling boy, i'm not very well and the doctor has told me to rest, i shall go to bed early tonight and so shall not see you. but, as a reward, i shall expect you tomorrow at noon. i love you.'
my first thought was: 'she's deceiving me!'
an icy sweat broke out on my forehead, for i was already too much in love with her not to be aghast at the thought.
and yet i was going to have to expect it to happen almost daily with marguerite; it had often happened with my other mistresses without it ever bothering me too much. how was it then that this woman had such power over my life?
then, since i had the key to her apartment, i thought i might call and see her as usual. in this way, i should know the truth soon enough, and if i found a man there, i would offer to give him satisfaction.
to while away the time, i went to the champs-elysees. i stayed there for four hours. she did not make an appearance. in the evening, i looked in at all the theatres where she usually went. she was not in any of them.
at eleven o'clock, i made my way to the rue d'antin.
there was no light in any of marguerite's windows. even so, i rang.
the porter asked me where i wanted to go.
'to mademoiselle gautier's, ' i said.
'she's not back.'
'i'll go up and wait.'
'there's nobody in.'
of course, he had his orders which i could have circumvented since i had a key, but i was afraid of an embarrassing scene and went away.
but i did not go home. i could not leave the street and did not take my eyes off marguerite's house for a moment. i felt that i still had something to learn, or at least that my suspicions were about to be confirmed.
about midnight, a brougham, which was all too familiar, pulled up near number 9.
count de g got out and went into the house after dismissing his coach.
for a moment, i hoped that he was about to be told, as i had been, that marguerite was not at home, and that i should see him come out again. but i was still waiting at four in the morning.
these last three weeks, i have suffered a great deal. but it has been nothing compared with what i suffered that night.
