6
third master fan, drunk as a lord, walked grumbling into the shangguan house. “thejapanese are on their way. bad timing by this donkey of yours. but what can i say, since itwas my horse that impregnated her? whoever hangs the bell on the tiger’s neck must take itoff. shangguan shouxi, i see you’ve got enough face to pull this off, oh shit, what face do youhave? i’m only here because of your mother. she and i… ha ha … she made a hoof-scraperfor my horses …” shangguan shouxi, his face covered with sweat, followed third masterfan in the door.
“fan three!” shangguan lü cried out. “you bastard, the local god makes a rareappearance!”
feigning sobriety, third master fan announced, “fan three has arrived.” but the sight ofthe donkey lying on the floor turned him from completely drunk to half sober. “my god,would you look at that! why didn’t you send for me earlier?” he tossed his leather saddlebagto the floor, bent down to stroke the donkey’s ears, and patted its belly. then he went aroundto the animal’s rear, where he tugged on the leg protruding from the birth canal. straighteningup, he shook his head sadly, and said, “i’m too late, it’s a lost cause. last year, when your sonbrought the donkey over for mating, i told him the donkey was too scrawny, and that youshould mate it with one of its own. but he insisted on mating it with a horse. that horse ofmine is a thoroughbred japanese stallion. his hoof is bigger than your donkey’s head, andwhen he mounted your animal, she nearly crumpled under the weight. like a rooster and ahouse sparrow. but he’s a good stud horse, so he just closed his eyes and humped away. ifit’d been another horse, shit! see, the foal won’t come out. your donkey isn’t made to have amule. all she’s good for is producing donkeys, a scrawny donkey …”
“are you finished, fan three?” shangguan lü interrupted his monologue angrily.
“finished, yes, i’ve said what i wanted to say.” he picked up his leather bag, flung it overhis shoulder, and, returning from half sober to completely drunk, stumbled toward the door.
shangguan lü grabbed him by the arm. “you’re leaving?” she said.
fan three smiled grimly. “old sister-in-law,” he said, “haven’t you been listening to thefelicity manor steward? the village is almost deserted. who’s more important, that donkeyor me?”
“three, you’re afraid i won’t make it worth your while, is that it? well, you’ll get your twobottles of fine liquor and a fat pig’s head. and don’t forget, in this family, what i say goes.”
fan three glanced at father and son. “i’m well aware of that,” he said with a smile.
“you’re probably the only old woman anywhere in this country who’s a true blacksmith. thestrength in that bare back of yours …” a strange smile creased his face.
“up your mother’s ass!” shangguan lü cursed as she thumped him on the back. “don’t go,three. we’re talking about not just one, but two lives here. that stud horse is your son, whichmakes this donkey your daughter-in-law, and the mule in her belly your grandson. do whatyou can. if the mule lives, i’ll thank you and reward you. if it dies, i’ll blame my own meagerfate, not you.”
“you’ve gone and made these four-legged creatures my family,” fan three said unhappily,“so what can i say? i’ll see if i can bring this half-dead donkey back to the land of the living.”
“that’s right, why listen to the ravings of that crazy sima? what would the japanese wantwith a backwater village like ours? besides, by doing this, you’ll be storing up virtues, andthe ghosts always steer clear of the virtuous.”
fan three opened his bag and took out a bottle filled with an oily green liquid. “this is asecret family tonic, handed down for generations. it works miraculously on breech births andother obstetric irregularities in animals. if this doesn’t do it, even the magical monkeycouldn’t bring that animal into the world. sir,” he summoned shangguan shouxi, “come overhere and lend a hand.”
“i’ll do it,” shangguan lü said. “he’s a clumsy oaf.”
fan three said, “the shangguan hen goes and blames the rooster for not laying eggs.”
“if you have to insult someone, third younger brother,” shangguan fulu said, “do it to myface, and don’t beat around the bush.”
“is that anger i hear?” fan three asked.
“this is no time to bicker,” shangguan lü said. “what shall i do?”
“raise the donkey’s head,” he said. “i’m going to give it the tonic.”
shangguan lü spread her legs, mustered her strength, and picked up the donkey’s head.
the animal stirred; bursts of air snorted from its nostrils.
“higher!” fan three said.
she strained to lift it higher; bursts of air were now snorting from her nostrils, too.
“are you two dead or alive?” fan three complained.
the two shangguan men rushed up to help, and nearly tripped over the donkey’s legs.
shangguan lü rolled her eyes; fan three shook his head. finally, they got the donkey’s headup high enough. it curled its lips back and showed its teeth. fan three stuck a funnel made ofan ox horn into the animal’s mouth and emptied the contents of the bottle into it. “that’ll doit,” fan said. “you can lower its head.”
as shangguan lü tried to catch her breath, fan three took out his pipe, filled it, andhunkered down to smoke. two streams of white smoke quickly exited through his nostrils.
“the japanese took the county town and murdered the county chief, zhang weihan, thenraped all the women in his family.”
“did you hear that from the simas?” shangguan lü asked him.
“no, my sworn brother told me. he lives near eastgate in the county seat.”
shangguan lü said, “the truth never travels more than ten li.”
“sima ku took the family servants to set fires on the bridge,” shangguan shouxi said.
“that’s more than a rumor.”
shangguan lü looked at her son angrily. “i never hear an encouraging, proper sentencefrom that mouth of yours, and you never tire of spouting nonsense and rumors. fancy you, aman and the father of a large brood of children, and i can’t tell if that thing on your shouldersis a head or an empty gourd. haven’t any of you considered the fact that japanese havemothers and fathers, just like everybody else? there’s no bad blood between them and uscommon folk, so what are they going to do with us? run off? do you think you can outrun abullet? hide out? until when?”
in response to her chiding, the shangguan men could only bow their heads and hold theirtongues. but fan three knocked the ashes from his pipe and tried to save the situation. “in thelong run, our sister here sees things more clearly than we do. i feel better after what she said.
she’s right. go where? hide where? i might be able to run and hide, but what about mydonkey and my stud horse. they’re like a couple of mountains, and where can you hide amountain? you might stay hidden past the first of the month, but you’ll never make it throughthe fifteenth. up their mother, i say. let’s get that baby mule out of there, and then figure outwhat to do next.”
“that’s the attitude!” shangguan lü said happily.
fan took off his jacket, cinched up his belt, and cleared his throat, like a martial arts masterabout to take on an opponent. shangguan lü nodded approvingly. “that’s what i like to see,three. a man leaves behind his good name, a wild goose leaves behind its call. if you bringthis mule into the world, i’ll give you an extra bottle of liquor and beat a drum to sing yourpraises.”
“that’s pure shit,” fan said. “whose idea was it to make your donkey pregnant by my studhorse, anyway? this is what’s called doing the sowing and the harvesting.” he circled thedonkey, tugged at the mule’s leg, and muttered, “donkey, my little in-law, you’re standing atthe gate of hell, and you’re going to have to tough it out. my reputation hangs in the balance.
gentlemen,” he said as he patted the donkey’s head, “get a rope and a stout carrying pole. shecan’t get it done lying there. we need to get her to her feet.”
the shangguan men looked over at shangguan lü, who said, “do as he says.” once fatherand son had done as they were told, fan ran the rope under the donkey just behind its frontlegs, then tied a knot, and had shangguan fulu stick the pole through the hole made by therope.
“stand over there,” he ordered shangguan shouxi.
“bend down and lift the pole with your shoulders!”
the shangguan men began lifting the pole, which dug deeply into their shoulders.
“that’s it,” fan said. “now there’s no hurry. straighten up when i tell you, and put someshoulder into it. you’ll only get one chance. this animal can’t take much more suffering.
sister-in-law, your spot is behind the donkey. it’s up to you to keep the foal from dropping tothe ground.” he went around to the donkey’s rear, where he rubbed his hands, took the lampfrom the millstone, poured oil over his palms and rubbed them together, and then blew onthem. when he tried sticking one of his hands up the birth canal, the little leg flailed wildly.
by this time, his entire arm was inside the animal, up to the shoulder, his cheek pressed upagainst the mule’s purple hoof. shangguan lü’s eyes were glued to him; her lips werequivering. “okay, gentlemen,” fan said in a muffled voice, “on the count of three, lift with allyour might. it’s life or death, so don’t cave in on me. all right?” his chin rested against theanimal’s rump; his hand appeared to be grasping something deep inside. “one — two —three!” with a loud grunt, the shangguan men made a rare display of mettle, straining undertheir load. taking a cue from the effort around her, the donkey rolled over, tucked her frontlegs under her, and raised her head. her rear legs shifted and curled up beneath her. fan threerolled with the donkey, until he was nearly lying facedown on the ground. his headdisappeared from view, but his shouts continued: “lift! keep lifting!” the two men struggledup onto the balls of their feet, while shangguan lü slid beneath the donkey and pressed herback against its belly. with a loud bray, it planted its feet and stood up, and at that moment, alarge, slippery object slid out from the birth canal, along with a great deal of blood and asticky fluid, right into fan three’s arms, and from there to the ground.
fan quickly cleared the little mule’s mouth of the fluid, cut the umbilical cord with hisknife, and tied off the end, then carried the animal over to a clean spot on the floor, where hewiped down its body with a rag. with tears in her eyes, shangguan lü muttered over andover, “thanks to heaven and earth, and to fan three.”
the baby mule staggered unsteadily to its feet, but quickly fell back down. its hide wassatiny smooth, its mouth the purplish red of a rose petal. fan three helped it to its feet. “goodgirl,” he said. “a chip off the old block. the horse is my son and you, little one, you’re mygranddaughter. sister-in-law, bring some watery rice for my donkey daughter, returned fromthe dead.”
