georgy porgy
without in any way wishing to blow my own trumpet, i think that i can claim to being in
most respects a moderately well-matured and rounded individual. i have travelled a good deal. i
am adequately read. i speak greek and latin. i dabble in science. i can tolerate a mildly liberal
attitude in the politics of others. i have compiled a volume of notes upon the evolution of the
madrigal in the fifteenth century. i have witnessed the death of a large number of persons in their
beds; and in addition, i have influenced, at least i hope i have, the lives of quite a few others by the
spoken word delivered from the pulpit.
yet in spite of all this, i must confess that i have never in my life – well, how shall i put it? – i
have never really had anything much to do with women.
to be perfectly honest, up until three weeks ago i had never so much as laid a finger on one of
them except perhaps to help her over a stile or something like that when the occasion demanded.
and even then i always tried to ensure that i touched only the shoulder or the waist or some other
place where the skin was covered, because the one thing i never could stand was actual contact
between my skin and theirs. skin touching skin, my skin, that is, touching the skin of a female,
whether it were leg, neck, face, hand, or merely finger, was so repugnant to me that i invariably
greeted a lady with my hands clasped firmly behind my back to avoid the inevitable handshake.
i could go further than that and say that any sort of physical contact with them, even when the
skin wasn’t bare, would disturb me considerably. if a woman stood close to me in a queue so that
our bodies touched, or if she squeezed in beside me on a bus seat, hip to hip and thigh to thigh, my
cheeks would begin burning like mad and little prickles of sweat would start coming out all over
the crown of my head.
this condition is all very well in a schoolboy who has just reached the age of puberty. with him
it is simply dame nature’s way of putting on the brakes and holding the lad back until he is old
enough to behave himself like a gentleman. i approve of that.
but there was no reason on god’s earth why i, at the ripe old age of thirty-one, should continue
to suffer a similar embarrassment. i was well trained to resist temptation, and i was certainly not
given to vulgar passions.
had i been even the slightest bit ashamed of my own personal appearance, then that might
possibly have explained the whole thing. but i was not. on the contrary, and though i say it
myself, the fates had been rather kind to me in that regard. i stood exactly five and a half feet tall
in my stockinged feet, and my shoulders, though they sloped downward a little from the neck,
were nicely in balance with my small neat frame. (personally, i’ve always thought that a little
slope on the shoulder lends a subtle and faintly aesthetic air to a man who is not overly tall, don’t
you agree?) my features were regular, my teeth were in excellent condition (protruding only a
smallish amount from the upper jaw), and my hair, which was an unusually brilliant ginger-red,
grew thickly all over my scalp. good heavens above, i had seen men who were perfect shrimps in
comparison with me displaying an astonishing aplomb in their dealings with the fairer sex. and
oh, how i envied them! how i longed to do likewise – to be able to share in a few of those
pleasant little rituals of contact that i observed continually taking place between men and women –
the touching of hands, the peck on the cheek, the linking of arms, the pressure of knee against
knee or foot against foot under the dining-table, and most of all, the full-blown violent embrace
that comes when two of them join together on the floor – for a dance.
but such things were not for me. alas, i had to spend my time avoiding them instead. and this,
my friends, was easier said than done, even for a humble curate in a small country region far from
the fleshpots of the metropolis.
my flock, you understand, contained an inordinate number of ladies. there were scores of them
in the parish and the unfortunate thing about it was that at least sixty per cent of them were
spinsters, completely untamed by the benevolent influence of holy matrimony.
i tell you i was jumpy as a squirrel.
one would have thought that with all the careful training my mother had given me as a child, i
should have been capable of taking this sort of thing well in my stride; and no doubt i would have
done if only she had lived long enough to complete my education. but alas, she was killed when i
was still quite young.
she was a wonderful woman, my mother. she used to wear huge bracelets on her wrists, five or
six of them at a time, with all sorts of things hanging from them and tinkling against each other as
she moved. it didn’t matter where she was, you could always find her by listening for the noise of
those bracelets. it was better than a cowbell. and in the evenings she used to sit on the sofa in her
black trousers with her feet tucked up underneath her, smoking endless cigarettes from a long
black holder. and i’d be crouching on the floor, watching her.
‘you want to taste my martini, george?’ she used to ask.
‘now stop it, clare,’ my father would say. ‘if you’re not careful you’ll stunt the boy’s growth.’
‘go on,’ she said. ‘don’t be frightened of it. drink it.’
i always did everything my mother told me.
‘that’s enough,’ my father said. ‘he only has to know what it tastes like.’
‘please don’t interfere, boris. this is very important.’
my mother had a theory that nothing in the world should be kept secret from a child. show him
everything. make him experience it.
‘i’m not going to have any boy of mine going around whispering dirty secrets with other
children and having to guess about this thing and that simply because no one will tell him.’
tell him everything. make him listen.
‘come over here, george, and i’ll tell you what there is to know about god.’
she never read stories to me at night before i went to bed; she just ‘told’ me things instead. and
every evening it was something different.
‘come over here, george, because now i’m going to tell you about mohammed.’
she would be sitting on the sofa in her black trousers with her legs crossed and her feet tucked
up underneath her, and she’d beckon to me in a queer languorous manner with the hand that held
the long black cigarette-holder, and the bangles would start jingling all the way up her arm.
‘if you must have a religion i suppose mohammedanism is as good as any of them. it’s all
based on keeping healthy. you have lots of wives, and you mustn’t ever smoke or drink.’
‘why mustn’t you smoke or drink, mummy?’
‘because if you’ve got lots of wives you have to keep healthy and virile.’
‘what is virile?’
‘i’ll go into that tomorrow, my pet. let’s deal with one subject at a time. another thing about
the mohammedan is that he never never gets constipated.’
‘now, clare,’ my father would say, looking up from his book. ‘stick to the facts.’
‘my dear boris, you don’t know anything about it. now if only you would try bending forward
and touching the ground with your fore-head morning, noon, and night every day, facing mecca,
you might have a bit less trouble in that direction yourself.’
i used to love listening to her, even though i could only understand about half of what she was
saying. she really was telling me secrets, and there wasn’t anything more exciting than that.
‘come over here, george, and i’ll tell you precisely how your father makes his money.’
‘now, clare, that’s quite enough.’
‘nonsense, darling. why make a secret out of it with the child? he’ll only imagine something
much much worse.’
i was exactly ten years old when she started giving me detailed lectures on the subject of sex.
this was the biggest secret of them all, and therefore the most enthralling.
‘come over here, george, because now i’m going to tell you how you came into this world,
right from the very beginning.’
i saw my father glance up quietly, and open his mouth wide the way he did when he was going
to say something vital, but my mother was already fixing him with those brilliant shining eyes of
hers, and he went slowly back to his book without uttering a sound.
‘your poor father is embarrassed,’ she said, and she gave me her private smile, the one that she
gave nobody else, only to me – the one-sided smile where just one corner of her mouth lifted
slowly upward until it made a lovely long wrinkle that stretched right up to the eye itself, and
became a sort of wink-smile instead.
‘embarrassment, my pet, is the one thing that i want you never to feel. and don’t think for a
moment that your father is embarrassed only because of you.’
my father started wriggling about in his chair.
‘my god, he’s even embarrassed about things like that when he’s alone with me, his own wife.’
‘about things like what?’ i asked.
at that point my father got up and quietly left the room.
i think it must have been about a week after this that my mother was killed. it may possibly
have been a little later, ten days or a fortnight, i can’t be sure. all i know is that we were getting
near the end of this particular series of ‘talks’ when it happened; and because i myself was
personally involved in the brief chain of events that led up to her death, i can still remember every
single detail of that curious night just as clearly as if it were yesterday. i can switch it on in my
memory any time i like and run it through in front of my eyes exactly as though it were the reel of
a cinema film; and it never varies. it always ends at precisely the same place, no more and no less,
and it always begins in the same peculiarly sudden way, with the screen in darkness, and my
mother’s voice somewhere above me, calling my name:
‘george! wake up, george, wake up!’
and then there is a bright electric light dazzling in my eyes, and right from the very centre of it,
but far away, the voice is still calling me:
‘george, wake up and get out of bed and put your dressing-gown on! quickly! you’re coming
downstairs. there’s something i want you to see. come on, child, come on! hurry up! and put
your slippers on. we’re going outside.’
‘outside?’
‘don’t argue with me, george. just do as you’re told.’ i am so sleepy i can hardly see to walk,
but my mother takes me firmly by the hand and leads me downstairs and out through the front
door into the night where the cold air is like a sponge of water in my face, and i open my eyes
wide and see the lawn all sparkling with frost and the cedar tree with its tremendous arms standing
black against a thin small moon. and overhead a great mass of stars is wheeling up into the sky.
we hurry across the lawn, my mother and i, her bracelets all jingling like mad and me having to
trot to keep up with her. each step i take i can feel the crisp frosty grass crunching softly under-
foot.
‘josephine has just started having her babies,’ my mother says. ‘it’s a perfect opportunity. you
shall watch the whole process.’
there is a light burning in the garage when we get there, and we go inside. my father isn’t
there, nor is the car, and the place seems huge and bare, and the concrete floor is freezing cold
through the soles of my bedroom slippers. josephine is reclining on a heap of straw inside the low
wire cage in one corner of the room – large blue rabbit with small pink eyes that watch us
suspiciously as we go towards her. the husband, whose name is napoleon, is now in a separate
cage in the opposite corner, and i notice that he is standing up on his hind legs scratching
impatiently at the netting.
‘look!’ my mother cries. ‘she’s having the first one! it’s almost out!’
we both creep closer to josephine, and i squat down beside the cage with my face right up
against the wire. i am fascinated. here is one rabbit coming out of another. it is magical and rather
splendid. it is also very quick.
‘look how it comes out all neatly wrapped up in its own little cellophane bag!’ my mother is
saying.
‘and just look how she’s taking care of it now! the poor darling doesn’t have a face-flannel,
and even if she did she couldn’t hold it in her paws, so she’s washing it with her tongue instead.’
the mother rabbit rolls her small pink eyes anxiously in our direction, and then i see her
shifting position in the straw so that her body is between us and the young one.
‘come round the other side,’ my mother says. ‘the silly thing has moved. i do believe she’s
trying to hide her baby from us.’
we go round the other side of the cage. the rabbit follows us with her eyes. a couple of yards
away the buck is prancing madly up and down, clawing at the wire.
‘why is napoleon so excited?’ i ask.
‘i don’t know, dear. don’t you bother about him. watch josephine. i expect she’ll be having
another one soon. look how carefully she’s washing that little baby! she’s treating it just like a
human mother treats hers! isn’t it funny to think that i did almost exactly the same sort of thing to
you once?’ the big blue doe is still watching us, and now, again, she pushes the baby away with
her nose and rolls slowly over to face the other way. then she goes on with her licking and
cleaning.
‘isn’t it wonderful how a mother knows instinctively just what she has to do?’ my mother says.
‘now you just imagine, my pet, that the baby is you, and josephine is me – wait a minute, come
back over here again so you can get a better look.’
we creep back around the cage to keep the baby in view.
‘see how she’s fondling it and kissing it all over! there! she’s really kissing it now, isn’t she!
exactly like me and you!’
i peer closer. it seems a queer way of kissing to me.
‘look!’ i scream. ‘she’s eating it!’
and sure enough, the head of the baby rabbit is now disappearing swiftly into the mother’s
mouth.
‘mummy! quick!’
but almost before the sound of my scream has died away, the whole of that tiny pink body has
vanished down the mother’s throat.
i swing quickly around, and the next thing i know i’m looking straight into my own mother’s
face, not six inches above me, and no doubt she is trying to say something or it may be that she is
too astonished to say anything, but all i see is the mouth, the huge red mouth opening wider and
wider until it is just a great big round gaping hole with a black centre, and i scream again, and this
time i can’t stop. then suddenly out come her hands, and i can feel her skin touching mine, the
long cold fingers closing tightly over my fists, and i jump back and jerk myself free and rush
blindly out into the night. i run down the drive and through the front gates, screaming all the way,
and then, above the noise of my own voice i can hear the jingle of bracelets coming up behind me
in the dark, getting louder and louder as she keeps gaining on me all the way down the long hill to
the bottom of the lane and over the bridge on to the main road where the cars are streaming by at
sixty miles an hour with headlights blazing.
then somewhere behind me i hear a screech of tyres skidding on the road surface, and then
there is silence, and i notice suddenly that the bracelets aren’t jingling behind me any more.
poor mother.
if only she could have lived a little longer.
i admit that she gave me a nasty fright with those rabbits, but it wasn’t her fault, and anyway
queer things like that were always happening between her and me. i had come to regard them as a
sort of toughening process that did me more good than harm. but if only she could have lived long
enough to complete my education, i’m sure i should never have had all that trouble i was telling
you about a few minutes ago.
i want to get on with that now. i didn’t mean to begin talking about my mother. she doesn’t
have anything to do with what i originally started out to say. i won’t mention her again.
i was telling you about the spinsters in my parish. it’s an ugly word, isn’t it – spinster? it
conjures up the vision either of a stringy old hen with a puckered mouth or of a huge ribald
monster shouting around the house in riding-breeches. but these were not like that at all. they
were a clean, healthy, well-built group of females, the majority of them highly bred and
surprisingly wealthy, and i feel sure that the average unmarried man would have been gratified to
have them around.
in the beginning, when i first came to the vicarage, i didn’t have too bad a time. i enjoyed a
measure of protection, of course, by reason of my calling and my cloth. in addition, i myself
adopted a cool dignified attitude that was calculated to discourage familiarity. for a few months,
therefore, i was able to move freely among my parishioners, and no one took the liberty of linking
her arm in mine at a charity bazaar, or of touching my fingers with hers as she passed me the cruet
at suppertime. i was very happy. i was feeling better than i had in years. even that little nervous
habit i had of flicking my earlobe with my forefinger when i talked began to disappear.
this was what i call my first period, and it extended over approximately six months. then came
trouble.
i suppose i should have known that a healthy male like myself couldn’t hope to evade
embroilment indefinitely simply by keeping a fair distance between himself and the ladies. it just
doesn’t work. if anything it has the opposite effect.
i would see them eyeing me covertly across the room at a whist drive, whispering to one
another, nodding, running their tongues over their lips, sucking at their cigarettes, plotting the best
approach, but always whispering, and sometimes i overheard snatches of their talk –‘what a shy
person … he’s just a trifle nervous, isn’t he … he’s much too tense … he needs companionship …
he wants loosening up … we must teach him how to relax.’ and then slowly as the weeks went
by, they began to stalk me. i knew they were doing it. i could feel it happening although at first
they did nothing definite to give themselves away.
that was my second period. it lasted for the best part of a year and was very trying indeed. but
it was paradise compared with the third and final phase.
for now, instead of sniping at me sporadically from far away, the attackers suddenly came
charging out of the wood with bayonets fixed. it was terrible, frightening. nothing is more
calculated to unnerve a man than the swift unexpected assault. yet i am not a coward. i will stand
my ground against any single individual of my own size under any circumstances. but this
onslaught, i am now convinced, was conducted by vast numbers operating as one skilfully
coordinated unit.
the first offender was miss elphinstone, a large woman with moles. i had dropped in on her
during the afternoon to solicit a contribution towards a new set of bellows for the organ, and after
some pleasant conversation in the library she had graciously handed me a cheque for two guineas.
i told her not to bother to see me to the door and i went out into the hall to get my hat. i was about
to reach for it when all at once – she must have come tip-toeing up behind me – all at once i felt a
bare arm sliding through mine, and one second later her fingers were entwined in my own, and she
was squeezing my hand hard, in out, in out, as though it were the bulb of a throat-spray.
‘are you really so very reverend as you’re always pretending to be?’ she whispered.
well!
all i can tell you is that when that arm of hers came sliding in under mine, it felt exactly as
though a cobra was coiling itself around my wrist. i leaped away, pulled open the front door, and
fled down the drive without looking back.
the very next day we held a jumble sale in the village hall (again to raise money for the new
bellows), and towards the end of it i was standing in a corner quietly drinking a cup of tea and
keeping an eye on the villagers crowding round the stalls when all of a sudden i heard a voice
beside me saying, ‘dear me, what a hungry look you have in those eyes of yours.’ the next instant
a long curvaceous body was leaning up against mine and a hand with red fingernails was trying to
push a thick slice of coconut cake into my mouth.
‘miss prattley,’ i cried. ‘please!’
but she’d got me up against the wall, and with a teacup in one hand and a saucer in the other i
was powerless to resist. i felt the sweat breaking out all over me and if my mouth hadn’t quickly
become full of the cake she was pushing into it, i honestly believe i would have started to scream.
a nasty incident, that one; but there was worse to come.
the next day it was miss unwin. now miss unwin happened to be a close friend of miss
elphinstone’s and of miss prattley’s, and this of course should have been enough to make me very
cautious. yet who would have thought that she of all people. miss unwin, that quiet gentle little
mouse who only a few weeks before had presented me with a new hassock exquisitely worked in
needlepoint with her own hands, who would have thought that she would ever have taken a liberty
with anyone? so when she asked me to accompany her down to the crypt to show her the saxon
murals, it never entered my head that there was devilry afoot. but there was.
i don’t propose to describe that encounter; it was too painful. and the ones which followed
were no less savage. nearly every day from then on, some new outrageous incident would take
place. i became a nervous wreck. at times i hardly knew what i was doing. i started reading the
burial service at young gladys pitcher’s wedding. i dropped mrs harris’s new baby into the font
during the christening and gave it a nasty ducking. an uncomfortable rash that i hadn’t had in over
two years reappeared on the side of my neck, and that annoying business with my earlobe came
back worse than ever before. even my hair began coming out in my comb. the faster i retreated,
the faster they came after me. women are like that. nothing stimulates them quite so much as a
display of modesty or shyness in a man. and they become doubly persistent if underneath it all
they happen to detect – and here i have a most difficult confession to make – if they happen to
detect, as they did in me, a little secret gleam of longing shining in the backs of the eyes.
you see, actually i was mad about women.
yes, i know. you will find this hard to believe after all that i have said, but it was perfectly true.
you must understand that it was only when they touched me with their fingers or pushed up
against me with their bodies that i became alarmed. providing they remained at a safe distance, i
could watch them for hours on end with the same peculiar fascination that you yourself might
experience in watching a creature you couldn’t bear to touch – an octopus, for example, or a long
poisonous snake. i loved the smooth white look of a bare arm emerging from a sleeve, curiously
naked like a peeled banana. i could get enormously excited just from watching a girl walk across
the room in a tight dress; and i particularly enjoyed the back view of a pair of legs when the feet
were in rather high heels – the wonderful braced-up look behind the knees, with the legs
themselves very taut as though they were made of strong elastic stretched out almost to breaking-
point, but not quite. sometimes, in lady birdwell’s drawing-room, sitting near the window on a
summer’s afternoon, i would glance over the rim of my teacup towards the swimming pool and
become agitated beyond measure by the sight of a little patch of sunburned stomach bulging
between the top and bottom of a two-piece bathing-suit.
there is nothing wrong in having thoughts like these. all men harbour them from time to time.
but they did give me a terrible sense of guilt. is it me, i kept asking myself, who is unwittingly
responsible for the shameless way in which these ladies are now behaving? is it the gleam in my
eye (which i cannot control) that is constantly rousing their passions and egging them on? am i
unconsciously giving them what is sometimes known as the come-hither signal every time i glance
their way? am i?
or is this brutal conduct of theirs inherent in the very nature of the female?
i had a pretty fair idea of the answer to this question, but that was not good enough for me. i
happen to possess a conscience that can never be consoled by guesswork; it has to have proof. i
simply had to find out who was really the guilty party in this case – me or them, and with this
object in view, i now decided to perform a simple experiment of my own invention, using
snelling’s rats.
a year or so previously i had had some trouble with an objectionable choirboy named billy
snelling. on three consecutive sundays this youth had brought a pair of white rats into church and
had let them loose on the floor during my sermon. in the end i had confiscated the animals and
carried them home and placed them in a box in the shed at the bottom of the vicarage garden.
purely for humane reasons i had then proceeded to feed them, and as a result, but without any
further encouragement from me, the creatures began to multiply very rapidly. the two became
five, and five became twelve.
it was at this point that i decided to use them for research purposes. there were exactly equal
numbers of males and females, six of each, so that conditions were ideal.
i first isolated the sexes, putting them into two separate cages, and i left them like that for three
whole weeks. now a rat is a very lascivious animal, and any zoologist will tell you that for them
this is an inordinately long period of separation. at a guess i would say that one week of enforced
celibacy for a rat is equal to approximately one year of the same treatment for someone like miss
elphinstone or miss prattley; so you can see that i was doing a pretty fair job in reproducing actual
conditions.
when the three weeks were up, i took a large box that was divided across the centre by a little
fence, and i placed the females on one side and the males on the other. the fence consisted of
nothing more than three single strands of naked wire, one inch apart, but there was a powerful
electric current running through the wires.
to add a touch of reality to the proceedings, i gave each female a name. the largest one, who
also had the longest whiskers, was miss elphinstone. the one with a short thick tail was miss
prattley. the smallest of them all was miss unwin, and so on. the males, all six of them, were
me.
i now pulled up a chair and sat back to watch the result.
all rats are suspicious by nature, and when i first put the two sexes together in the box with only
the wire between them, neither side made a move. the males stared hard at the females through
the fence. the females stared back, waiting for the males to come forward. i could see that both
sides were tense with yearning. whiskers quivered and noses twitched and occasionally a long tail
would flick sharply against the wall of the box.
after a while, the first male detached himself from his group and advanced gingerly towards the
fence, his belly close to the ground. he touched a wire and was immediately electrocuted. the
remaining eleven rats froze, motionless.
there followed a period of nine and a half minutes during which neither side moved; but i
noticed that while all the males were now staring at the dead body of their colleague, the females
had eyes only for the males.
then suddenly miss prattley with the short tail could stand it no longer. she came bounding
forward, hit the wire, and dropped dead.
the males pressed their bodies closer to the ground and gazed thoughtfully at the two corpses
by the fence. the females also seemed to be quite shaken, and there was another wait, with neither
side moving.
now it was miss unwin who began to show signs of impatience. she snorted audibly and
twitched a pink mobile nose-end from side to side, then suddenly she started jerking her body
quickly up and down as though she were doing pushups. she glanced round at her remaining four
companions, raised her tail high in the air as much as to say, ‘here i go, girls,’ and with that she
advanced briskly to the wire, pushed her head through it, and was killed.
sixteen minutes later, miss foster made her first move. miss foster was a woman in the village
who bred cats, and recently she had had the effrontery to put up a large sign outside her house in
the high street, saying foster’s cattery. through long association with the creatures she
herself seemed to have acquired all their most noxious characteristics, and whenever she came
near me in a room i could detect, even through the smoke of her russian cigarette, a faint but
pungent aroma of cat. she had never struck me as having much control over her baser instincts,
and it was with some satisfaction, therefore, that i watched her now as she foolishly took her own
life in a last desperate plunge towards the masculine sex.
a miss montgomery-smith came next, a small determined woman who had once tried to make
me believe that she had been engaged to a bishop. she died trying to creep on her belly under the
lowest wire, and i must say i thought this a very fair reflection upon the way in which she lived
her life.
and still the five remaining males stayed motionless, waiting.
the fifth female to go was miss plumley. she was a devious one who was continually slipping
little messages addressed to me into the collection bag. only the sunday before, i had been in the
vestry counting the money after morning service and had come across one of them tucked inside a
folded ten-shilling note. your poor throat sounded hoarse today during the sermon, it said. let me
bring you a bottle of my own cherry pectoral to soothe it down. most affectionately, eunice
plumley.
miss plumley ambled slowly up to the wire, sniffed the centre strand with the tip of her nose,
came a fraction too close, and received two hundred and forty volts of alternating current through
her body.
the five males stayed where they were, watching the slaughter.
and now only miss elphinstone remained on the feminine side.
for a full half-hour neither she nor any of the others made a move. finally one of the males
stirred himself slightly, took a step forward, hesitated, thought better of it, and slowly sank back
into a crouch on the floor.
this must have frustrated miss elphinstone beyond measure, for suddenly, with eyes blazing,
she rushed forward and took a flying leap at the wire. it was a spectacular jump and she nearly
cleared it; but one of her hind legs grazed the top strand, and thus she also perished with the rest of
her sex.
i cannot tell you how much good it did me to watch this simple and, though i say it myself, this
rather ingenious experiment. in one stroke i had laid open the incredibly lascivious, stop-at-
nothing nature of the female. my own sex was vindicated; my own conscience was cleared. in a
trice, all those awkward little flashes of guilt from which i had continually been suffering flew out
of the window. i felt suddenly very strong and serene in the knowledge of my own innocence.
for a few moments i toyed with the absurd idea of electrifying the black iron railings that ran
around the vicarage garden; or perhaps just the gate would be enough. then i would sit back
comfortably in a chair in the library and watch through the window as the real misses elphinstone
and prattley and unwin came forward one after the other and paid the final penalty for pestering
an innocent male.
such foolish thoughts!
what i must actually do now, i told myself, was to weave around me a sort of invisible electric
fence constructed entirely out of my own personal moral fibre. behind this i would sit in perfect
safety while the enemy, one after another, flung themselves against the wire.
i would begin by cultivating a brusque manner. i would speak crisply to all women, and refrain
from smiling at them. i would no longer step back a pace when one of them advanced upon me. i
would stand my ground and glare at her, and if she said something that i considered suggestive, i
would make a sharp retort.
it was in this mood that i set off the very next day to attend lady birdwell’s tennis party.
i was not a player myself, but her ladyship had graciously invited me to drop in and mingle with
the guests when play was over at six o’clock. i believe she thought that it lent a certain tone to a
gathering to have a clergyman present, and she was probably hoping to persuade me to repeat the
performance i gave the last time i was there, when i sat at the piano for a full hour and a quarter
after supper and entertained the guests with a detailed description of the evolution of the madrigal
through the centuries.
i arrived at the gates on my cycle promptly at six o’clock and pedalled up the long drive
towards the house. this was the first week of june, and the rhododendrons were massed in great
banks of pink and purple all the way along on either side. i was feeling unusually blithe and
dauntless. the previous day’s experiment with rats had made it impossible now for anyone to take
me by surprise. i knew exactly what to expect and i was armed accordingly. all around me the
little fence was up.
‘ah, good evening. vicar,’ lady birdwell cried, advancing upon me with both arms
outstretched.
i stood my ground and looked her straight in the eye. ‘how’s birdwell?’ i said. ‘still up in the
city?’
i doubt whether she had ever before in her life heard lord birdwell referred to thus by someone
who had never even met him. it stopped her dead in her tracks. she looked at me queerly and
didn’t seem to know how to answer.
‘i’ll take a seat if i may,’ i said, and walked past her towards the terrace where a group of nine
or ten guests were settled comfortably in cane chairs, sipping their drinks. they were mostly
women, the usual crowd, all of them dressed in white tennis clothes, and as i strode in among
them my own sober black suiting seemed to give me, i thought, just the right amount of
separateness for the occasion.
the ladies greeted me with smiles. i nodded to them and sat down in a vacant chair, but i didn’t
smile back.
‘i think perhaps i’d better finish my story another time,’ miss elphinstone was saying. ‘i don’t
believe the vicar would approve.’ she giggled and gave me an arch look. i knew she was waiting
for me to come out with my usual little nervous laugh and to say my usual little sentence about
how broadminded i was; but i did nothing of the sort. i simply raised one side of my upper lip
until it shaped itself into a tiny curl of contempt (i had practised in the mirror that morning), and
then i said sharply, in a loud voice, ‘mens sana in corpore sano.’
‘what’s that?’ she cried. ‘come again, vicar.’
‘a clean mind in a healthy body,’ i answered. ‘it’s a family motto.’
there was an odd kind of silence for quite a long time after this. i could see the women
exchanging glances with one another, frowning, shaking their heads.
‘the vicar’s in the dumps,’ miss foster announced. she was the one who bred cats. ‘i think the
vicar needs a drink.’
‘thank you,’ i said, ‘but i never imbibe. you know that.’
‘then do let me fetch you a nice cooling glass of fruit cup?’
this last sentence came softly and rather suddenly from someone just behind me, to my right,
and there was a note of such genuine concern in the speaker’s voice that i turned round.
i saw a lady of singular beauty whom i had met only once before, about a month ago. her name
was miss roach, and i remembered that she had struck me then as being a person far out of the
usual run. i had been particularly impressed by her gentle and reticent nature; and the fact that i
had felt comfortable in her presence proved beyond doubt that she was not the sort of person who
would try to impinge herself upon me in any way.
‘i’m sure you must be tired after cycling all that distance,’ she was saying now.
i swivelled right round in my chair and looked at her carefully. she was certainly a striking
person – unusually muscular for a woman, with broad shoulders and powerful arms and a huge
calf bulging on each leg. the flush of the afternoon’s exertions was still upon her, and her face
glowed with a healthy red sheen.
‘thank you so much, miss roach,’ i said, ‘but i never touch alcohol in any form. maybe a
small glass of lemon squash …’
‘the fruit cup is only made of fruit, padre.’
how i loved a person who called me ‘padre’. the word has a military ring about it that conjures
up visions of stem discipline and officer rank.
‘fruit cup?’ miss elphinstone said. ‘it’s harmless.’
‘my dear man, it’s nothing but vitamin c,’ miss foster said.
‘much better for you than fizzy lemonade,’ lady birdwell said. ‘carbon dioxide attacks the
lining of the stomach.’
‘i’ll get you some,’ miss roach said, smiling at me pleasantly. it was a good open smile, and
there wasn’t a trace of guile or mischief from one comer of the mouth to the other.
she stood up and walked over to the drink table. i saw her slicing an orange, then an apple, then
a cucumber, then a grape, and dropping the pieces into a glass. then she poured in a large quantity
of liquid from a bottle whose label i couldn’t quite read without my spectacles, but i fancied that i
saw the name jim on it, or tim or pim, or some such word.
‘i hope there’s enough left,’ lady birdwell called out. those greedy children of mine do love it
so.’
‘plenty,’ miss roach answered, and she brought the drink to me and set it on the table.
even without tasting it i could easily understand why children adored it. the liquid itself was
dark amber-red and there were great hunks of fruit floating around among the ice cubes; and on
top of it all, miss roach had placed a sprig of mint. i guessed that the mint had been put there
specially for me, to take some of the sweetness away and to lend a touch of grown-upness to a
concoction that was otherwise so obviously for youngsters.
‘too sticky for you, padre!’
‘it’s delectable,’ i said, sipping it. ‘quite perfect.’
it seemed a pity to gulp it down quickly after all the trouble miss roach had taken to make it,
but it was so refreshing i couldn’t resist.
‘do let me make you another!’
i liked the way she waited until i had set the glass on the table, instead of trying to take it out of
my hand.
‘i wouldn’t eat the mint if i were you,’ miss elphinstone said.
‘i’d better get another bottle from the house,’ lady birdwell called out. ‘you’re going to need
it, mildred.’
‘do that,’ miss roach replied. i drink gallons of the stuff myself,’ she went on, speaking to me.
‘and i don’t think you’d say that i’m exactly what you might call emaciated.’
‘no indeed,’ i answered fervently. i was watching her again as she mixed me another brew,
noticing how the muscles rippled under the skin of the arm that raised the bottle. her neck also
was uncommonly fine when seen from behind; not thin and stringy like the necks of a lot of these
so-called modem beauties, but thick and strong with a slight ridge running down either side where
the sinews bulged. it wasn’t easy to guess the age of a person like this, but i doubted whether she
could have been more than forty-eight or nine.
i had just finished my second big glass of fruit cup when i began to experience a most peculiar
sensation. i seemed to be floating up out of my chair, and hundreds of little warm waves came
washing in under me, lifting me higher and higher. i felt as buoyant as a bubble, and everything
around me seemed to be bobbing up and down and swirling gently from side to side. it was all
very pleasant, and i was overcome by an almost irresistible desire to break into song.
‘feeling happy?’ miss roach’s voice sounded miles and miles away, and when i turned to look
at her, i was astonished to see how near she really was. she, also, was bobbing up and down.
‘terrific,’ i answered. ‘i’m feeling absolutely terrific.’
her face was large and pink, and it was so close to me now that i could see the pale carpet of
fuzz covering both her cheeks, and the way the sunlight caught each tiny separate hair and made it
shine like gold. all of a sudden i found myself wanting to put out a hand and stroke those cheeks
of hers with my fingers. to tell the truth i wouldn’t have objected in the least if she had tried to do
the same to me.
‘listen,’ she said softly. ‘how about the two of us taking a little stroll down the garden to see
the lupins?’
‘fine,’ i answered. ‘lovely. anything you say.’
there is a small georgian summer-house alongside the croquet lawn in lady birdwell’s garden,
and the very next thing i knew, i was sitting inside it on a kind of chaise-longue and miss roach
was beside me. i was still bobbing up and down, and so was she, and so, for that matter, was the
summer-house, but i was feeling wonderful. i asked miss roach if she would like me to give her a
song.
‘not now,’ she said, encircling me with her arms and squeezing my chest against hers so hard
that it hurt.
‘don’t,’ i said, melting.
‘that’s better,’ she kept saying. ‘that’s much better, isn’t it?’
had miss roach or any other female tried to do this sort of thing to me an hour before, i don’t
quite know what would have happened. i think i would probably have fainted. i might even have
died. but here i was now, the same old me, actually relishing the contact of those enormous bare
arms against my body! also – and this was the most amazing thing of all – i was beginning to feel
the urge to reciprocate.
i took the lobe of her left ear between my thumb and forefinger, and tugged it playfully.
‘naughty boy,’ she said.
i tugged harder and squeezed it a bit at the same time. this roused her to such a pitch that she
began to grunt and snort like a hog. her breathing became loud and stertorous.
‘kiss me,’ she ordered.
‘what?’ i said.
‘come on, kiss me.’
at that moment, i saw her mouth. i saw this great mouth of hers coming slowly down on top of
me, starting to open, and coming closer and closer, and opening wider and wider; and suddenly
my whole stomach began to roll right over inside me and i went stiff with terror.
‘no!’ i shrieked. ‘don’t! don’t, mummy, don’t!’
i can only tell you that i had never in all my life seen anything more terrifying than that mouth.
i simply could not stand it coming at me like that. had it been a red-hot iron someone was pushing
into my face i wouldn’t have been nearly so petrified, i swear i wouldn’t. the strong arms were
around me, pinning me down so that i couldn’t move, and the mouth kept getting larger and
larger, and then all at once it was right on top of me, huge and wet and cavernous, and the next
second – i was inside it.
i was right inside this enormous mouth, lying on my stomach along the length of the tongue,
with my feet somewhere around the back of the throat; and i knew instinctively that unless i got
myself out again at once i was going to be swallowed alive – just like that baby rabbit. i could feel
my legs being drawn down the throat by some kind of suction, and quickly i threw up my arms
and grabbed hold of the lower front teeth and held on for dear life. my head was near the mouth-
entrance, and i could actually look right out between the lips and see a little patch of the world
outside – sunlight shining on the polished wooden floor of the summer-house, and on the floor
itself a gigantic foot in a white tennis shoe.
i had a good grip with my fingers on the edge of the teeth, and in spite of the suction, i was
managing to haul myself up slowly towards the daylight when suddenly the upper teeth came
down on my knucles and started chopping away at them so fiercely i had to let go. i went sliding
back down the throat, feet first, clutching madly at this and that as i went, but everything was so
smooth and slippery i couldn’t get a grip. i glimpsed a bright flash of gold on the left as i slid past
the last of the molars, and then three inches farther on i saw what must have been the uvula above
me, dangling like a thick red stalactite from the roof of the throat. i grabbed at it with both hands
but the thing slithered through my fingers and i went on down.
i remember screaming for help, but i could hardly hear the sound of my own voice above the
noise of the wind that was caused by the throat-owner’s breathing. there seemed to be a gale
blowing all the time, a queer erratic gale that blew alternately very cold (as the air came in) and
very hot (as it went out again).
i managed to get my elbows hooked over a sharp fleshy ridge – i presume the epiglottis – and
for a brief moment i hung there, defying the suction and scrabbling with my feet to find a foothold
on the wall of the larynx; but the throat gave a huge swallow that jerked me away, and down i
went again.
from then on, there was nothing else for me to catch hold of, and down and down i went until
soon my legs were dangling below me in the upper reaches of the stomach, and i could feel the
slow powerful pulsing of peristalsis dragging away at my ankles, pulling me down and down and
down …
far above me, outside in the open air, i could hear the distant babble of women’s voices:
‘it’s not true …’
‘but my dear mildred, how awful …’
‘the man must be mad …’
‘your poor mouth, just look at it …’
‘a sex maniac …’
‘a sadist …’
‘someone ought to write to the bishop …’
and then miss roach’s voice, louder than the others, swearing and screeching like a parakeet:
‘he’s damn lucky i didn’t kill him, the little bastard! … i said to him, listen, i said, if ever i
happen to want any of my teeth extracted, i’ll go to the dentist, not to a goddam vicar … it isn’t as
though i’d given him any encouragement either! …’
‘where is he now, mildred?’
‘god knows. in the bloody summer-house, i suppose.’
‘hey girls, let’s go and root him out!’
oh dear, oh dear. looking back on it now, some three weeks later, i don’t know how i ever
came through the nightmare of that awful afternoon without taking leave of my senses.
a gang of witches like that is a very dangerous thing to fool around with, and had they managed
to catch me in the summer-house right then and there when their blood was up, they would as
likely as not have torn me limb from limb on the spot.
either that, or i should have been frog-marched down to the police station with lady birdwell
and miss roach leading the procession through the main street of the village.
but of course they didn’t catch me.
they didn’t catch me then, and they haven’t caught me yet, and if my luck continues to hold, i
think i’ve got a fair chance of evading them altogether – or anyway for a few months, until they
forget about the whole affair.
as you might guess, i am having to keep entirely to myself and to take no part in public affairs
or social life. i find that writing is a most salutary occupation at a time like this, and i spend many
hours each day playing with sentences. i regard each sentence as a little wheel, and my ambition
lately has been to gather several hundred of them together at once and to fit them all end to end,
with the cogs interlocking, like gears, but each wheel a different size, each turning at a different
speed. now and again i try to put a really big one right next to a very small one in such a way that
the big one, turning slowly, will make the small one spin so fast that it hums. very tricky, that.
i also sing madrigals in the evenings, but i miss my own harpsichord terribly.
all the same, this isn’t such a bad place, and i have made myself as comfortable as i possibly
can. it is a small chamber situated in what is almost certainly the primary section of the duodenal
loop, just before it begins to run vertically downward in front of the right kidney. the floor is quite
level – indeed it was the first level place i came to during that horrible descent down miss roach’s
throat – and that’s the only reason i managed to stop at all. above me, i can see a pulpy sort of
opening that i take to be the pylorus, where the stomach enters the small intestine (i can still
remember some of those diagrams my mother used to show me), and below me, there is a funny
little hole in the wall where the pancreatic duct enters the lower section of the duodenum.
it is all a trifle bizarre for a man of conservative tastes like myself. personally i prefer oak
furniture and parquet flooring. but there is anyway one thing here that pleases me greatly, and that
is the walls. they are lovely and soft, like a sort of padding, and the advantage of this is that i can
bounce up against them as much as i wish without hurting myself.
there are several other people about, which is rather surprising, but thank god they are every
one of them males. for some reason or other, they all wear white coats, and they bustle around
pretending to be very busy and important. in actual fact, they are an uncommonly ignorant bunch
of fellows. they don’t even seem to realize where they are. i try to tell them, but they refuse to
listen. sometimes i get so angry and frustrated with them that i lose my temper and start to shout;
and then a sly mistrustful look comes over the faces and they begin backing slowly away, and
saying, ‘now then. take it easy. take it easy, vicar, there’s a good boy. take it easy.’
what sort of talk is that?
but there is one oldish man – he comes in to see me every morning after breakfast – who
appears to live slightly closer to reality than the others. he is civil and dignified, and i imagine he
is lonely because he likes nothing better than to sit quietly in my room and listen to me talk. the
only trouble is that whenever we get on to the subject of our whereabouts, he starts telling me that
he’s going to help me to escape. he said it again this morning, and we had quite an argument
about it.
‘but can’t you see,’ i said patiently, ‘i don’t want to escape.’
‘my dear vicar, why ever not?’
‘i keep telling you – because they’re all searching for me outside.’
‘who?’
‘miss elphinstone and miss roach and miss prattley and all the rest of them.’
‘what nonsense.’
‘oh yes they are! and i imagine they’re after you as well, but you won’t admit it.’
‘no, my friend, they are not after me.’
‘then may i ask precisely what you are doing down here?’
a bit of a stumper for him, that one. i could see he didn’t know how to answer it.
‘i’ll bet you were fooling around with miss roach and got yourself swallowed up just the same
as i did. i’ll bet that’s exactly what happened, only you’re ashamed to admit it.’
he looked suddenly so wan and defeated when i said this that i felt sorry for him.
‘would you like me to sing you a song?’ i asked.
but he got up without answering and went quietly out into the corridor.
‘cheer up,’ i called after him. ‘don’t be depressed. there is always some balm in gilead.’
