6
seven years later, by the time he was seventeen, he had recorded over nine thousand different
recipes, all of them original, all of them delicious.
but now, suddenly, his labours were interrupted by the tragic death of aunt glosspan. she was
afflicted in the night by a violent seizure, and lexington, who had rushed into her bedroom to see
what all the noise was about, found her lying on her bed yelling and cussing and twisting herself
into all manner of complicated knots. indeed, she was a terrible sight to behold, and the agitated
youth danced around her in his pyjamas, wringing his hands, and wondering what on earth he
should do. finally in an effort to cool her down, he fetched a bucket of water from the pond in the
cow field and tipped it over her head, but this only intensified the paroxysms, and the old lady
expired within the hour.
‘this is really too bad,’ the poor boy said, pinching her several times to make sure that she was
dead. ‘and how sudden! how quick and sudden! why only a few hours ago she seemed in the
very best of spirits. she even took three large helpings of my most recent creation, devilled
mushroomburgers, and told me how succulent it was.’
after weeping bitterly for several minutes, for he had loved his aunt very much, he pulled
himself together and carried her outside and buried her behind the cowshed.
the next day, while tidying up her belongings, he came across an envelope that was addressed
to him in aunt glosspan’s handwriting. he opened it and drew out two fifty-dollar bills and a
letter.
darling boy [the letter said], i know that you have never yet been down the mountain since you were
thirteen days old, but as soon as i die you must put on a pair of shoes and a clean shirt and walk down to
the village and find a doctor. ask the doctor to give you a death certificate to prove that i am dead. then
take this certificate to my lawyer, a man called mr samuel zucker-mann, who lives in new york city
and who has a copy of my will. mr zuckermann will arrange everything. the cash in this envelope is to
pay the doctor for the certificate and to cover the cost of your journey to new york. mr zuckermann will
give you more money when you get there, and it is my earnest wish that you use it to further your
researches into culinary and vegetarian matters, and that you continue to work upon that great book of
yours until you are satisfied that it is complete in every way. your loving aunt – glosspan.
lexington, who had always done everything his aunt told him, pocketed the money, put on a
pair of shoes and a clean shirt, and went down the mountain to the village where the doctor lived.
‘old glosspan?’ the doctor said. ‘my god, is she dead?’
‘certainly she’s dead,’ the youth answered. ‘if you will come back home with me now i’ll dig
her up and you can see for yourself.’
‘how deep did you bury her?’ the doctor asked.
‘six or seven feet down, i should think.’
‘and how long ago?’
‘oh, about eight hours.’
‘then she’s dead,’ the doctor announced. ‘here’s the certificate.’
